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Oldest daughter heard him on Porn

9K views 130 replies 31 participants last post by  AandM 
#1 ·
Ok here is a situation.

A husband has a porn addiction. It's pretty perverted but it's all fantasy during that time. The 30 year old step-daughter happen to get up in the morning to use the bathroom and overheard him playing out a perverted act using her name while watching porn. She was utterly disgusted. The daughter is living with him and her mom, with her young daughter til she gets a job so all are living in the same house and this happens.

What kind of advise can I give all involved? Here is how it played out and where things are so far:

1. The daughter went and told her mom out of disgust.
2. The mom confronted the husband and first he acted outraged and defensive because he felt like it's his house and he didn't think anyone was up. I think he was just embarrassed so he reacted.
3. The daughter got upset with the mom because she felt this is where she should draw the line and divorce him, but the mom said she didn't like that this happend but they have been working thru it.
4. After everything calmed down, the husband did approach the daughter and apologized sincerely.
5. The daughter is just disgusted and doesn't want anything to do with him anymore so now they just don't speak and she won't even let her 1 year old daughter around him.
6. The mother has pretty much backed away and let them work it out because she says she doesn't know what else to say about it.

Any thoughts?
 
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#3 ·
From the account posted, I'm going to take a wild guess that this was some sort of stepfather/stepdaughter fantasy thing.

According to YouPorn's year in retrospect for 2018, the second highest search term for all men was "Step mom". Not exactly the same thing, but the genre is prevalent, popular, and ubiquitous on even the mainstream porn sites. Just for your information.

Shaming someone for their fantasy life is not IMHO a good thing, especially if he has never shown any actual predatory behavior. He was sloppy and got busted, which should cause a pretty harsh "behind a locked door" conversation, but asking your mom to divorce the man? That is not her right. Keeping her children away is certainly something she can choose, especially since most sexual abuse comes for a family member. I don't know the man, and I don't know if this is reasonable or not.

But as long as he is not a predator, this sounds like an embarrassing situation run out of control. Everyone should take an Ambien and he should ensure that it never happens again.
 
#5 ·
Yes it was more of an embarrassing situation. The mom didn't shame the man, she just brought the situation to his attention and I think his reaction was out of embarrassment. I do think the daughter went too far. I mean yes she felt disgusted but to put that kind of pressure on the mom was not called for. I think the mom hates it happend because now the daughter knows his dirty little secret. The mom and him can handle his "addiction" and I think they are working through it but it's hard to explain all that to someone who doesn't have to deal with it. He's not a pervert or looking at the daughter in a crazy way. The porn just had him caught up. But try explaining that to the person who is disgusted.

I think they are all just letting time heal it all. I feel for all of them because it's just uncomfortable for everyone involved. Thanks.
 
#6 ·
True. Pretty much I just told the mom let time heal all wounds and let it all just play out. As long as she has a relationship with her daughter and grand daughter, and her marriage is still intact. Move on. The daughter at 30 years old doesn't HAVE to have a relationship with her mom's husband. That may be the only price he husband will have to pay for his "sins" and quite frankly they are not close so I doubt it will be any skin off his back.

Thanks.
 
#9 ·
First, it is the husband and mom's house, so husband can have whatever fantasies he wants in the privacy of his own home. It was the middle of the night, he thought no one was awake...so as an adult human, he's allowed sexually express himself in his house.

The fact he used step-D's name doesn't mean he was fantasizing about her specifically--sometimes you just gotta pick a name and her name is "nearby" so go with it. Thus I don't jump to the conclusion he was fantasizing about her.

Daughter has no right that I can see to expect her mom to divorce husband over this. I mean, if mom found D's hubby in his fantasy/kink, she'd probably feel the heebie-jeebies too (cuz who thinks of their parents or kids "that way"). The only exception I can think of would be if husband WAS fantasizing about her specifically (not just using the name) and/or if it was some kind of pedophila kind of kink.

If D isn't comfortable, she's a fully grown adult and personally responsible for herself...she can move out and support her own self. If she accepts the support of "parental units" she's going to have to accept that they are sexual beings.

If D wants to keep her child (grand-daughter) away from husband, that's her perogative. She's the parent. She has a duty to protect her child (the grand-daughter) and she's allowed to believe this is too disgusting. Long story short, she can protect her child with a boundary and the grand-parents can decide if they will or will not live by that boundary. If they decide to NOT live by that boundary, then they won't see their grand-kid...it's simple.

D doesn't need to have a relationship with step-dad. They can even be distant. As long as she's living in his house, though, she'll have to at minimum be respectful and civil toward him in his own home.

If it were me, this isn't a great topic to discuss with kids, but sometimes people just need to have a talk. If I were the mom, I would have a frank talk with the D rather than bury it, and then I'd like D and husband have whatever relationship they are going to have. It's up to the two of them (not her) to relate ... OR NOT.
 
#10 ·
I gotta go with OMG.

I don't think porn is very healthy to begin with...

But that isn't even the issue here. He is using porn to actively fantasize about a person living in the same house. Is the mother out of her mind? If I every remarried and caught my new husband watching porn while fantasizing about my daughter, yes there would be a problem.

The intro doesn't even address what kind of porn. I mean the whole situation to me is wrong but the daughter might be extra offend/ worried if it was any kind of forceful situation like face ****ing, holding down during any act. I haven't see a lot of porn but it seems now days much of it has kind of a unhealthy force or violent tendencies against women. To be watching that while being in the same household is going outside the bounds of fantasy if you ask me.

It is the difference between a romance novel and an emotional affair. One is clearly not real the other is a few drinks / miscommunication / what have you from some very real actions.

And it does go a long way to note...
1 in 6 women experience rape or attempted rape in their lifetime. The vast majority of which are committed by people known to them and often some form of family member.

Here's clip from a standard psych page.

"And research suggests that the more times a person predisposed to rape spends engaging in deviant thoughts and viewing risk-enhancing material, the more likely they are at some point to act on them. So visiting such sites is not without risk — especially because the “connections” a person can make to others frequenting the sites and participating in the “games” can result in an unwitting connection to a skilled predator."


So I don't know what advice I'd give the Mom. I don't think the daughter is out of line to speak to her mother about her concerns or to be worried about the situation or to guard her daughter. If he is a porn addict it would take a lot of research to see 'all' the genre's he watches. Maybe he's already addicted to child porn. Who knows.

I think I'd see if I could help the daughter financially to get out of the house sooner. OF course that is assume she doesn't help herself out of the marriage. I'm afraid I wouldn't be in this situation because I wouldn't 'handle' the porn addiction so well myself.
 
#15 · (Edited)
Agreed, but even if the daughter moved out the problem is still there. The fact is that this man thinks its acceptable to use porn to fantasise about his step daughter, and she must feel so uncomfortable around him now whether that is living there or visiting. The mum isn't doing enough to protect her daughter and granddaughter and she may well loose them.
 
#11 · (Edited)
Came here to say basically what @Affaircare said, but even harsher.

My advice would be to throw the 30 year old child out.

I’m on the fence about “porn addiction.” To me, it’s only a problem if it’s a problem. For some, a porn addiction is if someone watches it at all, for others it’s watching it alone, for others yet it’s only a problem if it impacts the relationship in a demonstrable way. Meaning, it’s hurting your sex life. That’s where I’m at on the spectrum.

If the porn specifically was targeted towards the adult daughter, then that’s squicky for sure. But it most likely wasn’t. You’d look for porn stars that look like the person, not have the same name, I’d think.

So what I think what happened was an adult daughter caught her stepdad going at it in the bathroom. His bathroom.

In my mind, she should either be more discreet about such things and not sit there listening at the door being disgusted when she’s an adult guest of her parent. It’s their house, not the 30 year old adult child. It’s no different than overhearing them bang, and being all “what about your grandchild” when it really should be “are you going to move out yet if you find it awkward to live with your sexually active parents?”

Calling for a divorce... wow, how about an entitled 30 year old child with a kid of her own. If you’re going to keep your kid away every man that’s spanked one to perverted porn, then I guess you’re going to live on a woman-only island or something. And women are no different.
 
#12 ·
This is kind of a chicken or egg situation. Did the pervert seek out perverted porn or did the perverted porn turn him into a pervert? It doesn't really matter as this guy is a pervert and Mom is chill and working through it.

Daughter has a right to protect her child however she sees fit. Should she decide to never let her mom or mom's perverted consort be alone with the child, she is within her rights. She would be wise to set up her own domicile as soon as possible.

He's only sorry he got caught - not that he was using his step-daughter as spank material. ****ing creep.
 
#14 ·
I have no idea why the mother would think she should be with him. Bad enough that he uses porn a lot, far worse that he is fantasising about his step daughter while watching it. If I was that mum I would support my daughter and granddaughter and put them first. I can fully understand how that daughter must feel and I would be upset that my mother wasn't supporting me over him.
 
#16 ·
Even if the daughter moved out the problem is still there. The fact is that this man thinks its acceptable
to use porn to fantasise about his step daughter, and she must feel so uncomfortable around him now whether
that is living there or visiting. The mum isn't doing enough to protect her daughter and granddaughter and she may well loose them.
Sorry but their safety and well being is paramount. The mother is abdicating her responsibility by withdrawing and wanting them to work it out. The daughter will always feel very uncomfortable with him now not surprisingly and so would I.
 
#17 ·
Ok here is a situation.

... overheard him playing out a perverted act using her name while watching porn.
Please note the OP does not say the husband was fantasizing ABOUT HER. Rather, he was watching his brand of porn and chose her NAME while watching.

OP uses the term “perverted act” but we don’t know what it was...so it could have just been spanking the monkey (some folks think that’s perverted).

So to jump to assumptions isn’t necessary. He’s allowed his kink in the privacy of his own home. It could well be he was watching a porn with a girl named “Brandy” and step-D’s name also happens to be Brandy. See what I mean?
 
#23 ·
Using her name? That's inappropriate at the very minimum and possibly worse.

Her mother is desperate to keep him. So desperate that she is risking her relationships with her daughter and her grandchild.

Daughter should remove herself and her child from this toxic environment ASAP.
That's exactly what it sounds like to me.
 
#30 ·
Oh man, I'm going to regret this, but what the hell.

The stepdaughter isn't a pre-pubescent 10 year old. She's 30. If her stepfather is fantasizing about her, it's one adult fantasizing about another adult to whom he is not related.

All of you stepmoms with teenage stepsons who find this nauseating? Don't ever ask for a sincere accounting of your stepson's fantasy life. You might not recover.
 
#31 ·
Oh man, I'm going to regret this, but what the hell.

The stepdaughter isn't a pre-pubescent 10 year old. She's 30. If her stepfather is fantasizing about her, it's one adult fantasizing about another adult to whom he is not related.

All of you stepmoms with teenage stepsons who find this nauseating? Don't ever ask for a sincere accounting of your stepson's fantasy life. You might not recover.
For the sake of discussion, I wonder how many men would be okay knowing that their wives have sexual fantasies starring their step sons? I also wonder how many step sons would feel okay knowing their step mom's watch porn and diddle to them?
 
#41 ·
I wonder what her name is.

If it’s something that’s a common name or is a common porn screen name I’d be laughing out loud.

But... my stepdaughters name is “Ivana Humpalot, you perv!”

You could just search it up on one of the porn sites and see what comes up. If there’s like a million hits, I don’t think she has a leg to stand on. If it’s unique or he admits he was acting out a fantasy about her, then you have a potential problem.
 
#47 ·
That’s my guess. Throw on some porn. Listen for a woman’s name.

You’ll probably have to listen for a while to hear one.

And it’s unlikely he had the volume cranked at that time of the morning.

It does provide the stepdaughter for a convenient method to get the stepdad out of the picture, though. She’d have a free crash pad with her mommy as long as she wanted, then.

Again, if he was specifically fantasizing about her, different story maybe. But nothing here says that.
 
#49 ·
The fact he didn't know he was caught until the wife brought it up makes me wonder what the s-d was doing.
Doesn't sound like she caught him by accident. Was there already a strained relationship between him and the s-d? Was she mad at him? He at her?

If he was embarrassed it would seem he didn't know he had been found out whatever the fantasy was.

I'm with whoever asked it her name is a common name, and what was the history on the device he was using show?
Check the device before deciding.
 
#55 ·
Have you ever watched any? If so, have you ever searched up someone by name because that's the name of someone in real life that you're fantasizing over?

I've never even heard of that. I'm sure somebody has done it, but I highly suspect it's more about what the actress looks like and does than it is about her name.

The guy didn't call out her name. At least that's not how I read it. I thought the name was used in what he was watching, not as vocalized by him.

But I guess we're all speculating here. I'll stop until we get more info.
 
#57 ·
If anyone actually thinks he wasn't aware that the name he used was his stepdaughter's name and that wasn't WHY he used it....

I have this cool mansion in the middle of the Pacific Ocean to sell you.

Nothing wrong with masturbating. Something weird about masturbating while thinking about your stepdaughter when she LIVES in the house....
 
#62 ·
This line caught my attention:

3. The daughter got upset with the mom because she felt this is where she should draw the line and divorce him, but the mom said she didn't like that this happend but they have been working thru it.

Reading between the lines, it sounds like the step daughter doesn't like this guy, perhaps for good reasons but the mom can't see the forest through the trees, and remains in the marriage.

I'm guessing, with the limited info here. I do believe anything can become an addiction...it's basically if you can't live without it. If the dad in question here can't live without porn, he's addicted to it. If he can't go without it for a week even, he's addicted to it.

The fact that he's blurting out the step daughter's name is gross, and I don't blame the SD for not wanting to be around him.

The SD has a young daughter of her own, we don't know why she's living there, but to kick her out without a job, wouldn't be kind. I wouldn't kick the husband out over one incident, but reading between the lines, it seems that the daughter is shocked that her mother won't stand up for herself or the daughter.
 
#63 ·
Just the generic situation "A husband is playing out a vocal porn fantasy using a close relative's name" is very unusual. What if it was his wife's sister? That seems divorce-worthy right there. I can't imagine too many wives would be okay with their husband acting out porn fantasies while he thinks of his sister-in-law.

Do you know anything about the fantasy or what was said? Was it something generic like "Oh yes, oh Cindy, oh yes", or was it something really graphic and specific like he was acting something out?
 
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