We have been together for 13 years and married for over half of those years. He was always the laid back one and I was the uptight one. We balanced each other well. But for the last year my husband is becoming this insufferable moody.... Dickwad. Especially since our youngest child was born (7 months old). He is constantly complaining about our messy house, and our life, and our money, and our kids, and our dog, and me. Sure, the house is not in tip top shape, we have three kids and a husky and our baby REFUSES to sleep so I'm super tired, but it's just clutter (toys and the like). I'm trying my best. And yes, life got more hectic after our third was born but, that's not an excuse to start mistreating your family. He stomps around the house cursing and complaining, he is forever yelling at our 4 year old and being a ****e dad, and if I try to talk to him, he yes "yes dear" or my name while rolling his eyes and dismisses me. For the last 7 months, this turd of a man has dismissed everything I have said. I'm about to lose it and it won't be pretty. Like, I told him to stop cursing at our son and he gave me a thumbs up!!!!! Imma snap soon.
I don't like the way he is treating our middle child, and I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave him, I do love him, at least I did. I m so confused. 😔 How can someone stay with someone who dismisses their every thought? What the hell do I do because I can't handle another day like this?? What is happening to my husband!?!?!
When someone's behavior changes, I think your first course of action should be to see if there was some event that affected it, and how this might be fixed.
I think both genders should have some space in a relationship to be moody and complain sometimes; I'm generalizing here, but it seems the cultural expectation is tbe husband is always supposed to be always laid back, emotionless, & oblivious to the situation at hand, while the wife runs around, intensely in tune to every single vibration in the house..
In my own experience though, while I would say I was A LOT less emotional than my XW, I was still affected in different ways (namely
a lack of space for myself, and stress due to work), and because my XW suffered from abandonment issues (and more) I was never able to talk about how I was feeling with her because it would frequently get twisted in her mind into me saying I was unhappy with her
, and was therefore going to leave.
The truth was, I just needed more space to decompress after work, after we put our kid to sleep. I was happy coming home from work, helping with dinner, reading to our daughter, and putting her to sleep. After that, the expectation was I'd sit w/my wife and listen to her for hour or so I had left before I'd be too exhausted to stay up further. Mind you, we had dinner together and already talked... this was when I finally had ME
time, after 9-10 hours of work, and another couple hours combined of helping with our family breakfast and dinner & bedtime routines. But to my XW, "ME time" translated as "he doesn't love me, or he'd want to spend ALL his time with me." I say this
all to illustrate that maybe your husband is struggling with his feelings and emotions due to the circumstances of the moment; he can't be himself anymore, and it's affecting his behavior.
I think if I could recommend a course of action on your part:
1) in a calm moment (such as after the kids are asleep and the house is quiet), bring up your concerns with him, and let him know this is not a moment he should dismiss without further actions on your part. *Politely* of course, because spouses should always be polite to eachother.
Hopefully he listens and feels he can share why he's acting the way he is, and what would help. And you can mutually work out a solution.
With three young kids though, it's not always possible for a spouse to get time alone; you just have to grind through it together.
2) If he's dismissive of you again, or refuses to talk openly, or the talk is not fruitful, I think you need to suggest counseling for eachother, maybe individually as well.
If that doesn't work, or he refuses to acknowledge there's a problem, well... you have to think about what you want, and what you can live with. fighting and being dismissive of eachother in front of the kids is bad, bad, bad, though, and if that doesn't stop, well, in my mind that's kind of a dealbreaker in a marriage.
2a) the "d word" is a huge red flag; I hope neither of you gets pushed to the point of seriously considering it. But if that starts getting thrown around or mentioned by him, you need to start protecting yourself; consider what you would need to do and take care of on your own if it goes that route.