My husband is turning into an angry, dismissive man. - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 52 (permalink) Old 02-06-2020, 09:17 PM Thread Starter
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My husband is turning into an angry, dismissive man.

We have been together for 13 years and married for over half of those years. He was always the laid back one and I was the uptight one. We balanced each other well. But for the last year my husband is becoming this insufferable moody.... Dickwad. Especially since our youngest child was born (7 months old). He is constantly complaining about our messy house, and our life, and our money, and our kids, and our dog, and me. Sure, the house is not in tip top shape, we have three kids and a husky and our baby REFUSES to sleep so I'm super tired, but it's just clutter (toys and the like). I'm trying my best. And yes, life got more hectic after our third was born but, that's not an excuse to start mistreating your family. He stomps around the house cursing and complaining, he is forever yelling at our 4 year old and being a ****e dad, and if I try to talk to him, he yes "yes dear" or my name while rolling his eyes and dismisses me. For the last 7 months, this turd of a man has dismissed everything I have said. I'm about to lose it and it won't be pretty. Like, I told him to stop cursing at our son and he gave me a thumbs up!!!!! Imma snap soon.

I don't like the way he is treating our middle child, and I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave him, I do love him, at least I did. I m so confused. 😔 How can someone stay with someone who dismisses their every thought? What the hell do I do because I can't handle another day like this?? What is happening to my husband!?!?!

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post #2 of 52 (permalink) Old 02-06-2020, 09:42 PM
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Re: My husband is turning into an angry, dismissive man.

I'm sorry, this sounds awful. I'm very protective of my kids.. My spouse has anxiety so he easily becomes irritated and complains about everything even if it's a small positive for me. He looks up to his brothers so I had a conversation with one of them and LUCKILY spouse listened. We did attend counseling. His brother and therapist both told him to stop calling me names and stop being a nuisance to the kids. Spouse still has issues but it has 'toned' down a lot these last couple months. Has something happened that made him uptight? Perhaps at work? Can you make a marriage counseling appointment and the both of you go? If he refuses, you need to go for yourself? I agree it's no way to live for yourself or the kids.
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post #3 of 52 (permalink) Old 02-06-2020, 09:56 PM Thread Starter
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My spouse has anxiety issues as well though he doesn't even realize it. And nothing has changed! Well, with the exception of the baby being born. But, I don't get why that would make him change so much. I even do ALL overnight duty so my husband gets a solid nights sleep every night, even the weekends. He is just unpleasant to be around and acts like a child if I talk to him. ☹️



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I'm sorry, this sounds awful. I'm very protective of my kids.. My spouse has anxiety so he easily becomes irritated and complains about everything even if it's a small positive for me. He looks up to his brothers so I had a conversation with one of them and LUCKILY spouse listened. We did attend counseling. His brother and therapist both told him to stop calling me names and stop being a nuisance to the kids. Spouse still has issues but it has 'toned' down a lot these last couple months. Has something happened that made him uptight? Perhaps at work? Can you make a marriage counseling appointment and the both of you go? If he refuses, you need to go for yourself? I agree it's no way to live for yourself or the kids.
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post #4 of 52 (permalink) Old 02-06-2020, 11:00 PM
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Re: My husband is turning into an angry, dismissive man.

At least your spouse can sleep.. mine can't (worries). But you should try to get him in counseling. He is suffering and he takes it on his family-- your suffering too and need a solid partner. Perhaps, the 2 older ones could spend the night with grandma-- could help while you try to talk with him without any interruptions. Tell him that you really want to give marriage counseling a try. Good luck
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post #5 of 52 (permalink) Old 02-06-2020, 11:12 PM
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Re: My husband is turning into an angry, dismissive man.

How are your finances?

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post #6 of 52 (permalink) Old 02-07-2020, 07:45 AM
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Re: My husband is turning into an angry, dismissive man.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Saibasu View Post
We have been together for 13 years and married for over half of those years. He was always the laid back one and I was the uptight one. We balanced each other well. But for the last year my husband is becoming this insufferable moody.... Dickwad. Especially since our youngest child was born (7 months old). He is constantly complaining about our messy house, and our life, and our money, and our kids, and our dog, and me. Sure, the house is not in tip top shape, we have three kids and a husky and our baby REFUSES to sleep so I'm super tired, but it's just clutter (toys and the like). I'm trying my best. And yes, life got more hectic after our third was born but, that's not an excuse to start mistreating your family. He stomps around the house cursing and complaining, he is forever yelling at our 4 year old and being a ****e dad, and if I try to talk to him, he yes "yes dear" or my name while rolling his eyes and dismisses me. For the last 7 months, this turd of a man has dismissed everything I have said. I'm about to lose it and it won't be pretty. Like, I told him to stop cursing at our son and he gave me a thumbs up!!!!! Imma snap soon.

I don't like the way he is treating our middle child, and I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave him, I do love him, at least I did. I m so confused. 😔 How can someone stay with someone who dismisses their every thought? What the hell do I do because I can't handle another day like this?? What is happening to my husband!?!?!
I'm a female and I'd probably blow my brains out with that many kids and the noise and clutter. What I'm saying is, not all of us find that type of atmosphere pleasant or pleasing, and he obviously does not.

But that doesn't give him the right to be verbally abusive to anyone or emotionally abusive to you.

He's on a real short fuse. It sounds like he's THIS close to leaving to get cigarettes and never come back.

I don't know what the magic answer is. But the guy seriously needs to decompress. A new hobby? Therapy?

Once you start seeing your worth, you'll find it harder to stay around people who don't.
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post #7 of 52 (permalink) Old 02-07-2020, 08:40 AM
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Re: My husband is turning into an angry, dismissive man.

His new hobby can be taking care of the things he's whining about. He can pick up the messes in less time than it takes to get bent out of shape and rant. If he doesn't want kids making messes than he can take responsibility for his messes and get a vasectomy.

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post #8 of 52 (permalink) Old 02-07-2020, 10:48 PM
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Sounds like he needs some serious counseling, and a medical check up. ( Diabetes for example can change a persons behavior)
Lay down the law and tell him the BS is over.
Nobody should ever verbally abuse a child.
I had a very difficult marriage and financial problems for years when I was young and never cursed my kids.
Something has changed,convince him to seek outside help or get out.
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post #9 of 52 (permalink) Old 02-09-2020, 11:39 AM
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Re: My husband is turning into an angry, dismissive man.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Saibasu View Post
We have been together for 13 years and married for over half of those years. He was always the laid back one and I was the uptight one. We balanced each other well. But for the last year my husband is becoming this insufferable moody.... Dickwad. Especially since our youngest child was born (7 months old). He is constantly complaining about our messy house, and our life, and our money, and our kids, and our dog, and me. Sure, the house is not in tip top shape, we have three kids and a husky and our baby REFUSES to sleep so I'm super tired, but it's just clutter (toys and the like). I'm trying my best. And yes, life got more hectic after our third was born but, that's not an excuse to start mistreating your family. He stomps around the house cursing and complaining, he is forever yelling at our 4 year old and being a ****e dad, and if I try to talk to him, he yes "yes dear" or my name while rolling his eyes and dismisses me. For the last 7 months, this turd of a man has dismissed everything I have said. I'm about to lose it and it won't be pretty. Like, I told him to stop cursing at our son and he gave me a thumbs up!!!!! Imma snap soon.

I don't like the way he is treating our middle child, and I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave him, I do love him, at least I did. I m so confused. 😔 How can someone stay with someone who dismisses their every thought? What the hell do I do because I can't handle another day like this?? What is happening to my husband!?!?!
When someone's behavior changes, I think your first course of action should be to see if there was some event that affected it, and how this might be fixed.

I think both genders should have some space in a relationship to be moody and complain sometimes; I'm generalizing here, but it seems the cultural expectation is tbe husband is always supposed to be always laid back, emotionless, & oblivious to the situation at hand, while the wife runs around, intensely in tune to every single vibration in the house..

In my own experience though, while I would say I was A LOT less emotional than my XW, I was still affected in different ways (namely a lack of space for myself, and stress due to work), and because my XW suffered from abandonment issues (and more) I was never able to talk about how I was feeling with her because it would frequently get twisted in her mind into me saying I was unhappy with her, and was therefore going to leave.

The truth was, I just needed more space to decompress after work, after we put our kid to sleep. I was happy coming home from work, helping with dinner, reading to our daughter, and putting her to sleep. After that, the expectation was I'd sit w/my wife and listen to her for hour or so I had left before I'd be too exhausted to stay up further. Mind you, we had dinner together and already talked... this was when I finally had ME time, after 9-10 hours of work, and another couple hours combined of helping with our family breakfast and dinner & bedtime routines. But to my XW, "ME time" translated as "he doesn't love me, or he'd want to spend ALL his time with me." I say this all to illustrate that maybe your husband is struggling with his feelings and emotions due to the circumstances of the moment; he can't be himself anymore, and it's affecting his behavior.

I think if I could recommend a course of action on your part:

1) in a calm moment (such as after the kids are asleep and the house is quiet), bring up your concerns with him, and let him know this is not a moment he should dismiss without further actions on your part. *Politely* of course, because spouses should always be polite to eachother.

Hopefully he listens and feels he can share why he's acting the way he is, and what would help. And you can mutually work out a solution.

With three young kids though, it's not always possible for a spouse to get time alone; you just have to grind through it together.

2) If he's dismissive of you again, or refuses to talk openly, or the talk is not fruitful, I think you need to suggest counseling for eachother, maybe individually as well.

If that doesn't work, or he refuses to acknowledge there's a problem, well... you have to think about what you want, and what you can live with. fighting and being dismissive of eachother in front of the kids is bad, bad, bad, though, and if that doesn't stop, well, in my mind that's kind of a dealbreaker in a marriage.

2a) the "d word" is a huge red flag; I hope neither of you gets pushed to the point of seriously considering it. But if that starts getting thrown around or mentioned by him, you need to start protecting yourself; consider what you would need to do and take care of on your own if it goes that route.
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post #10 of 52 (permalink) Old 02-09-2020, 05:01 PM
 
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Re: My husband is turning into an angry, dismissive man.

There's something about that third kid that breaks people...



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post #11 of 52 (permalink) Old 02-14-2020, 09:38 AM Thread Starter
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Finances are a wee bit tight but all of our bills are paid on time and everyone is clothed and fed with a little left over.


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post #12 of 52 (permalink) Old 02-14-2020, 09:44 AM Thread Starter
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The kicker? He is one of the biggest sources of mess in our house. NOTHING he uses makes it to a garbage, he will leave wrappers and things in the counter despite having to pass a garbage on the way out of the kitchen. His used dishes remain where he sat and ate, etc. Then he freaks out when the house is a ****ing mess. But he refuses to amend his own behaviour that makes him upset.

And our kids, aside from our first have all been planned and had at times when he was on board and excited. I'm sorry for him but he can't just create a large family, make a god damned mess and then get pissed about a large family and mess 😤😤😤😤😤&#x1f 624;😤😤😤🧐


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His new hobby can be taking care of the things he's whining about. He can pick up the messes in less time than it takes to get bent out of shape and rant. If he doesn't want kids making messes than he can take responsibility for his messes and get a vasectomy.
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post #13 of 52 (permalink) Old 02-14-2020, 09:50 AM Thread Starter
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My husband is the type of man that needs daily "me time" as well. And I respect and honor that. He is a busy guy that stresses easily so I never push for his "me time" which he gets everyday. Some days we hardly speak because once the day ends and the kids are in bed he's doing his own thing for hours while I deal with the 1000000 wake ups our baby does.

We have talked at length and it's the same as it always is. He apologizes for his behaviour, reminds me of my failings as a parent, then apologizes again.

But nothing ever changes.



Quote:
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Saibasu View Post
We have been together for 13 years and married for over half of those years. He was always the laid back one and I was the uptight one. We balanced each other well. But for the last year my husband is becoming this insufferable moody.... Dickwad. Especially since our youngest child was born (7 months old). He is constantly complaining about our messy house, and our life, and our money, and our kids, and our dog, and me. Sure, the house is not in tip top shape, we have three kids and a husky and our baby REFUSES to sleep so I'm super tired, but it's just clutter (toys and the like). I'm trying my best. And yes, life got more hectic after our third was born but, that's not an excuse to start mistreating your family. He stomps around the house cursing and complaining, he is forever yelling at our 4 year old and being a ****e dad, and if I try to talk to him, he yes "yes dear" or my name while rolling his eyes and dismisses me. For the last 7 months, this turd of a man has dismissed everything I have said. I'm about to lose it and it won't be pretty. Like, I told him to stop cursing at our son and he gave me a thumbs up!!!!! Imma snap soon.

I don't like the way he is treating our middle child, and I don't know what to do. I don't want to leave him, I do love him, at least I did. I m so confused. 😔 How can someone stay with someone who dismisses their every thought? What the hell do I do because I can't handle another day like this?? What is happening to my husband!?!?!
When someone's behavior changes, I think your first course of action should be to see if there was some event that affected it, and how this might be fixed.

I think both genders should have some space in a relationship to be moody and complain sometimes; I'm generalizing here, but it seems the cultural expectation is tbe husband is always supposed to be always laid back, emotionless, & oblivious to the situation at hand, while the wife runs around, intensely in tune to every single vibration in the house..

In my own experience though, while I would say I was A LOT less emotional than my XW, I was still affected in different ways (namely a lack of space for myself, and stress due to work), and because my XW suffered from abandonment issues (and more) I was never able to talk about how I was feeling with her because it would frequently get twisted in her mind into me saying I was unhappy with her, and was therefore going to leave.

The truth was, I just needed more space to decompress after work, after we put our kid to sleep. I was happy coming home from work, helping with dinner, reading to our daughter, and putting her to sleep. After that, the expectation was I'd sit w/my wife and listen to her for hour or so I had left before I'd be too exhausted to stay up further. Mind you, we had dinner together and already talked... this was when I finally had ME time, after 9-10 hours of work, and another couple hours combined of helping with our family breakfast and dinner & bedtime routines. But to my XW, "ME time" translated as "he doesn't love me, or he'd want to spend ALL his time with me." I say this all to illustrate that maybe your husband is struggling with his feelings and emotions due to the circumstances of the moment; he can't be himself anymore, and it's affecting his behavior.

I think if I could recommend a course of action on your part:

1) in a calm moment (such as after the kids are asleep and the house is quiet), bring up your concerns with him, and let him know this is not a moment he should dismiss without further actions on your part. *Politely* of course, because spouses should always be polite to eachother.

Hopefully he listens and feels he can share why he's acting the way he is, and what would help. And you can mutually work out a solution.

With three young kids though, it's not always possible for a spouse to get time alone; you just have to grind through it together.

2) If he's dismissive of you again, or refuses to talk openly, or the talk is not fruitful, I think you need to suggest counseling for eachother, maybe individually as well.

If that doesn't work, or he refuses to acknowledge there's a problem, well... you have to think about what you want, and what you can live with. fighting and being dismissive of eachother in front of the kids is bad, bad, bad, though, and if that doesn't stop, well, in my mind that's kind of a dealbreaker in a marriage.

2a) the "d word" is a huge red flag; I hope neither of you gets pushed to the point of seriously considering it. But if that starts getting thrown around or mentioned by him, you need to start protecting yourself; consider what you would need to do and take care of on your own if it goes that route.
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post #14 of 52 (permalink) Old 02-14-2020, 10:30 AM
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Re: My husband is turning into an angry, dismissive man.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blondilocks View Post
His new hobby can be taking care of the things he's whining about. He can pick up the messes in less time than it takes to get bent out of shape and rant. If he doesn't want kids making messes than he can take responsibility for his messes and get a vasectomy.
Thank you.

It appears the OP H believes none of what he is complaining about is his responsibility.

OP, make it short and sweet with your H. Advise his behavior is abusive. Constant yelling at the family members is abusive. He can look it up on the web if he likes. Anger issues. He has them.

Another OP asked. How are the finances?

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post #15 of 52 (permalink) Old 02-14-2020, 11:15 AM
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Re: My husband is turning into an angry, dismissive man.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Saibasu View Post
My husband is the type of man that needs daily "me time" as well. And I respect and honor that. He is a busy guy that stresses easily so I never push for his "me time" which he gets everyday. Some days we hardly speak because once the day ends and the kids are in bed he's doing his own thing for hours while I deal with the 1000000 wake ups our baby does.

We have talked at length and it's the same as it always is. He apologizes for his behaviour, reminds me of my failings as a parent, then apologizes again.

But nothing ever changes.
Sorry you find yourself in this situation. What is he doing for ''me time?'' Is his ''me time'' sitting in front of a computer screen or scrolling through his phone for hours? The fact that he spends ''hours'' away from you ''after the day ends'' is telling. I ask, because people just don't change over night, unless something is causing it. Or someone. I don't want to make you paranoid, but just keep an eye on how often he's on his phone, etc. I've read so many stories on here, where spouses suddenly ''change'' and become distant, argumentative, abusive even...and 9 times out of 10, there was always another person involved. Maybe not an affair, but someone else in the background, distracting them...making them wish they were single again. Just something to consider.

I would suggest marriage counseling, and if he balks at it, I'd keep insisting, because the marriage won't last if he keeps treating you like this, and eventually your kids will pick up on the tension, too. If not already.

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