Anyone else disappointed with their spouse? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 51 (permalink) Old 02-13-2020, 10:57 AM Thread Starter
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Anyone else disappointed with their spouse?

I met my husband 11 years ago and I'm disappointed because I feel he hasn't grown much. Behaviours that were ok (or that I used to) at 25 are now looking very pathetic at 36. Especially for a man with children. Like smoking weed everyday, for instance. Not great to begin with but I didn't think it was going to be a lifelong habit.
Calling me names when he gets angry, sulking, being defensive, answering "because I feel like it" when I ask why he does something I don't like just comes off as really immature now.
He also hangs on to the past for dear life and brings back old arguments, grudges or mistakes when we fight. As old as 8 or 10 years old! Which makes me feel like no matter how much I grow or try to better myself, he just keeps bringing back the old me.
I wish I knew back then that what you see is what you get with people. Don't expect them to change or grow because maybe it won't happen. So if you don't think you can handle certain things FOREVER, don't marry that person.
Anyone else?

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post #2 of 51 (permalink) Old 02-13-2020, 11:03 AM
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Re: Anyone else disappointed with their spouse?

You should never marry someone with the expectation that they will someday change. Unfortunately you learned that lesson a little too late, but you're not alone in that club. A lot of people do the same thing.

People can grow but more often than not they need a reason to. You wanting him to change or asking him to change isn't enough. You saying this needs to be worked on or you want a divorce might do the trick, but you have to mean it and intend to follow through.

Have you considered marriage counseling?
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post #3 of 51 (permalink) Old 02-13-2020, 11:15 AM
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Re: Anyone else disappointed with their spouse?

There is an old joke that goes something like, "It is ironic that women marry men hoping they will change while men marry women hoping that they don't."

I can confirm that deciding that personality traits and habits of your spouse are deal breakers does happen. My wife gave me a list of reasons why being married to me was intolerable. At least half of them were things that have been a part of who I am for at least a decade before I met her, if not since birth.

You should never marry someone on hope. Marry (or date) them because they are who you want them to be. It isn't fair to either of you if you get in a relationship where you've set yourself up for failure. The resentment is just going to grow until it is too much for at least one of you to handle.
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post #4 of 51 (permalink) Old 02-13-2020, 11:26 AM Thread Starter
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Well so far people are getting hung up on the fact I was hoping things would change. Just to set things straight: I KNOW it was a mistake and unfair to think that way. But like someone said: too little too late. Also, I wanted people to share some of *their* stories. Hence the whole "Anyone else?" part.
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post #5 of 51 (permalink) Old 02-13-2020, 11:32 AM Thread Starter
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The joke is funny. And sadly accurate.
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post #6 of 51 (permalink) Old 02-13-2020, 11:34 AM Thread Starter
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@Hiner112 "You should never marry someone on hope". Doesn't everyone though?
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post #7 of 51 (permalink) Old 02-13-2020, 11:49 AM
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Re: Anyone else disappointed with their spouse?

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Originally Posted by Missus28 View Post
Well so far people are getting hung up on the fact I was hoping things would change. Just to set things straight: I KNOW it was a mistake and unfair to think that way. But like someone said: too little too late. Also, I wanted people to share some of *their* stories. Hence the whole "Anyone else?" part.
I can answer it in reverse. When my wife and I were dating and married, I was an ***hole. I still am, but I like to think I'm less of an ***hole. I've asked my wife why she stuck around because most people would not have. Her response was "I saw the man you could be". Did she hope I would change? Probably. Did she take a gamble? Yep. Eventually, I did get my act together but not until I was very abruptly forced. If certain things wouldn't have happened I would have had no reason to change and I'd still be the guy she married. Chances are she would still be putting up with it.

You are not forced to stay with him, you know.
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post #8 of 51 (permalink) Old 02-13-2020, 11:58 AM
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Re: Anyone else disappointed with their spouse?

I think its a very normal expectation that your spouse will mature from the time you both are starting out so young. I mean it IS the natural order of things, yes? He sounds like a perpetual frat boy. Maybe suggest the two of you attend some marital counseling... if he refuses and sees nothing wrong with his own behavior, you may very well have a tough choice to make in the near future.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #9 of 51 (permalink) Old 02-13-2020, 11:59 AM
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Re: Anyone else disappointed with their spouse?

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Originally Posted by Missus28 View Post
Well so far people are getting hung up on the fact I was hoping things would change. Just to set things straight: I KNOW it was a mistake and unfair to think that way. But like someone said: too little too late. Also, I wanted people to share some of *their* stories. Hence the whole "Anyone else?" part.
Genuinely asking, not being snarky nor attacking

???, Quick question are you asking to reduce the pain you feel in your marriage. or so you can think you don't have it that bad?

If your not the object of your lovers heart, then your just an object.
If you think the grass is greener on the otherside it's not, what you see are the weeds.

Last edited by Tilted 1; 02-13-2020 at 11:59 AM. Reason: Spelling
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post #10 of 51 (permalink) Old 02-13-2020, 12:15 PM Thread Starter
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@Tilted 1 I simply wanted to hear from other people's stories, start a conversation. Not to feel better about my own disappointment but maybe less lonely?

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post #11 of 51 (permalink) Old 02-13-2020, 12:20 PM
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Re: Anyone else disappointed with their spouse?

I get that, almost everyone here is, has, or still hurting from a spouse. But you may not get the responses you are looking for because it triggers alot of us. Yet l do hope some with share, but you can take this to the bank. Your not the only one.

If your not the object of your lovers heart, then your just an object.
If you think the grass is greener on the otherside it's not, what you see are the weeds.
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post #12 of 51 (permalink) Old 02-13-2020, 12:42 PM Thread Starter
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Thanks @Tilted 1. I have to admit, I expected more understanding/moral support from this forum. It was my first post, might be my last.
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post #13 of 51 (permalink) Old 02-13-2020, 12:45 PM
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Re: Anyone else disappointed with their spouse?

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Thanks @Tilted 1. I have to admit, I expected more understanding/moral support from this forum. It was my first post, might be my last.
I hope not you can pick almost any thread and you'll read dissatisfied spouse till the cows come home. Stay leave your thoughts on others who are hurting.

If your not the object of your lovers heart, then your just an object.
If you think the grass is greener on the otherside it's not, what you see are the weeds.
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post #14 of 51 (permalink) Old 02-13-2020, 12:47 PM
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Re: Anyone else disappointed with their spouse?

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Thanks @Tilted 1. I have to admit, I expected more understanding/moral support from this forum. It was my first post, might be my last.
sad.,,......

If your not the object of your lovers heart, then your just an object.
If you think the grass is greener on the otherside it's not, what you see are the weeds.
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post #15 of 51 (permalink) Old 02-13-2020, 01:45 PM
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Re: Anyone else disappointed with their spouse?

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Thanks @Tilted 1. I have to admit, I expected more understanding/moral support from this forum. It was my first post, might be my last.
Please give this a bit more time. Different people sign on all day long. Also as you post more, we can learn more about your situation and give better input.

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