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Need help fixing my marriage that I’m ruining…

2K views 26 replies 17 participants last post by  Spicy 
#1 ·
TLDR – 13 year relationship, married almost a year and a half. I cheated in the very beginning; have had numerous and extensive issues lying about money/cheating/smoking (large things); have had even more numerous and extensive issues lying about stupid/small/insignificant things; have shown numerous bouts of disrespect for her. All of this, despite the fact that I love her more than anything, have the utmost respect for her, and have the strong DESIRE to change myself to be a good husband (and person in general).

Wow. So the TLDR was even fairly long… So for those of you who are still reading, we’ll start at the beginning.

My wife (we’ll call her Z) and I have been together for 13ish years, and been married since October 2018. I’m 36, she’s 31. When we first got together, it was immediately at the end of a 5+ year relationship with my high school/shortly after high school girlfriend. Not exactly sure for how long, since it’s been forever, but for the beginning of my relationship with Z (maybe a year or so?), I remained friends, and unfortunately FWB, with my ex. Long story short, we worked through it and eventually things seemed to get better.

Over the years, I have had numerous issues with lying/deception. The lies can range from literally the smallest, most insignificant thing (my best example is literally lying to blame a fart on the dog), to super gigantic ones (see: the last paragraph on a year’s worth of cheating, as well as hiding having borrowed money a couple of times, neglecting to tell her about my student loan debt for a while, and quitting smoking then hiding starting again several times until getting caught).

The one commonality between them all seems to be not wanting her to be upset or disappointed (with obvious proportionality there to how upset she would be over those different levels of actions - it's not like she's going to leave me over a fart). But when your trust is damaged/broken, even the stupid little ones count!

There have also been issues of me “not showing that I care” in different ways. It seems that I’m crazy good at doing lots of the little things that a great husband would do (I cook, I clean, I’m not lazy, I take good care of our dogs cause we don’t have kids yet, I even pack her lunches and put gas in her car) – good for me! Right? No, because for some reason, while I can remember every word from every song I’ve ever liked, and random baseball factoids, but I can’t remember about an IMPORTANT appointment that I told her I’d go with her to without being reminded (things like this have actually happened several times). We recently had an issue of disrespect in the bedroom (recently, which doesn’t need to be elaborated on). I’m horrible at simply planning out something special for her to make her feel appreciated.

Basically I seemingly do ALL the things that would make a good husband great, but am SEVERLY lacking in the department of making a ****ty husband a good one. Does that make sense?

So here I am, writing this novel that is my story, at least for the most part. I feel like an absolutely horrible human being, and an even worse husband. I want to fix this, I NEED to fix this, before it’s too late (if it’s not already). I have the desire to be a better person, to just be a GOOD person in general. I’ve done therapy before, to work solely on my lying issues (twice previously, each time only a few months long), as well as some other things that I’ve tried over the years (like keeping a journal of literally EVERY lie that I told). I’ve legitimately thought that I had been successful at changing and becoming a better person, and maybe I have in some small amounts, but it seems like every time that I’ve “worked on myself” I’ve had a lie that I’ve been holding in my back pocket. In reality, I’m no better. If you splay it all out on paper, I’m a lying, cheating, disrespectful *******. I just started to see a therapist again, and am going every other week. I’ve read an infinite amount on these boards, and will continue to do so. Any other thoughts/ideas/resources that anyone could contribute would be GREATLY appreciated. I love my wife, and I don’t want to lose her.
 
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#2 ·
It's hard to help you without more information. Does your wife know about your early affair? Does she know about all the lies you've been telling her or are you still holding back some truths. And to be quite frank, I disagree on the respect in the bedroom not needing to be elaborated on. If you've disrespected her, it would help to know how.

You definitely need to continue the counseling. That will help with your need to never disappoint people. We all disappoint those we love at some point, it's part of being human. But if you're lying and being deceitful that's not okay.

As for keeping up with appointments, get a calendar. Every time she asks you to do something, put it into your phone. I have a horrible memory so I have Siri remind me of tons of stuff. Just yesterday my neighbors asked to take their dog overnight. I said yes and immediately told Siri to remind me about an hour before I needed to go get her from their house so I could walk her. If I hadn't done that I might have forgotten to get the poor thing. There are ways around a bad memory, especially with today's technology. Set a reminder for a few days before and the day before and the morning of so you don't forget. It's that simple.
 
#3 · (Edited)
It's hard to help you without more information. Does your wife know about your early affair? Yes, she does. Does she know about all the lies you've been telling her or are you still holding back some truths. Yes, she does. And to be quite frank, I disagree on the respect in the bedroom not needing to be elaborated on. If you've disrespected her, it would help to know how. In the heat of the moment I did something that I knew was pretty well not ok without any prior conversation/permission. She rightfully got very angry and my first move was actually to get defensive...

You definitely need to continue the counseling. That will help with your need to never disappoint people. We all disappoint those we love at some point, it's part of being human. But if you're lying and being deceitful that's not okay. I definitely plan on it. And it's not just "disappointing" her, it's trying to avoid the conflict. I don't want her to be mad/angry/upset so I blurt out a lie (and then usually keep backing up the lie because I've already lied so I feel like I have to stick to it...) even though I KNOW without any shadow of a doubt that she will 1) likely find out about the lie and 2) be WAYYYY more pissed that I lied than by whatever it was that I lied about

As for keeping up with appointments, get a calendar. Every time she asks you to do something, put it into your phone. I have a horrible memory so I have Siri remind me of tons of stuff. Just yesterday my neighbors asked to take their dog overnight. I said yes and immediately told Siri to remind me about an hour before I needed to go get her from their house so I could walk her. If I hadn't done that I might have forgotten to get the poor thing. There are ways around a bad memory, especially with today's technology. Set a reminder for a few days before and the day before and the morning of so you don't forget. It's that simple.. I don't know why, but I use my phone/watch to set reminders for lots of thingsFor some reason, some of the most important things usually aren't what the reminders get set for. It's usually stuff like "call so-and-so at noon tomorrow" and other far less important things...
Also, thanks for the words. I really appreciate it.
 
#6 ·
Just so you know, pathological lying and/or cheating are deal-breakers for me.

Sounds like a habit that you have been doing since childhood. Did you enjoy getting away with stuff as an immature child? Developmentally, you have missed a couple of levels with regard to integrity--address that in therapy. Why is change so hard for you when the rewards are so great? Maybe, you do not see the rewards as good?

A real man tells the truth and takes his medicine--or maybe he tries to live a better life so he doesn't have to lie. Would you say to her, "I do not trust you?" That is actually what you are doing when you lie.

You are also self-sabotaging. You say you know, but your mouth gets ahead of your brain? Practice, alone in front of a mirror--telling the truth. Next time you lie--punish yourself immediately--and say, "No that was not right, it was this way." You could also set up some other punishment for yourself that would be more heinous than telling the truth.
 
#7 ·
Oh good grief, really?

Dude, I don't have the words. But get your head screwed on today, come clean with yourself, and take the blame and correct it by asking her what you can do to earn her back. This is your first step.
 
#9 ·
If you're serious about changing then start with remembering things important to your wife by using Google Calendar as @MattMatt suggested. Set reminders using multiple apps if you have to.

I have no comment on the year long affair. You cheated, your wife stayed and married you anyway. Her decision, done deal, nothing more to say on the subject.

The lying. Oh, the lying. That's HUGE. It's difficult to build and share a life with someone you cannot trust and liars cannot be trusted with anything. My exH was a chronic liar. He'd lie about where he was, if he sent or dropped off a bill payment, whether or not he ate the leftovers, if he took out the trash, just anything and everything. It was exhausting to have to constantly monitor a grown human. He gave the same reasons you give. He didn't want to deal with confrontation. He didn't want me to be angry or upset. So, he lied. Which usually only served to delay the confrontation and increase the anger or upset. He didn't just lie to me, either. He lied to friends, family, bosses, co-workers, random people in line at the bank. Little white lies, "exaggerations", almost never total fabrications, but based in at least some truth. Some lies he told so often he actually believed them. That blew my mind. I realized that not only could I not trust a word he said, but that we weren't even living in the same reality.

That marriage failed for multiple reasons and the lying was definitely one of the top reasons.

I heard through the kids he went to therapy. Apparently, he failed to do the work because I never stopped getting calls from the kids to vent to me about their father's latest bald-faced lie.

Get into therapy with a good therapist and do the work. Whatever you need to do to stop the lying, do it. Being an honest person for your wife needs to be your life's mission.
 
#16 ·
Get into therapy with a good therapist and do the work. Whatever you need to do to stop the lying, do it. Being an honest person for your wife needs to be your life's mission.
I am and I intend to make it my life's mission. I've actually seen many people use the phrase "do the work." This may sound completely ignorant, but I'm trying to figure out what exactly TO do.... I'm reading A LOT, just started seeing a therapist, and am finding that these boards (both reading and posting) seem helpful, but that's just it, all of these things seem fairly passive. I'm basically reading/writing/talking, and that's all. I want to do MORE. I'm up for the work, anything. And, to be honest, while I may think that reading/writing/talking is helpful, I don't know that she will...
 
#10 ·
"In the heat of the moment I did something that I knew was pretty well not ok without any prior conversation/permission. She rightfully got very angry and my first move was actually to get defensive..."

This tells me that you don't love your wife. You use her. You don't even value her enough to be truthful about a damn fart.
 
#11 ·
When you lie about everything your perception becomes flawed.
And when it comes to make the BIG decisions, when you need to count on yourself, you will choose wrong.
You will crash and burn.

Tell the truth....or at the least do not lie.
Read "12 Rules for life" It's a great way to start to rectify your life.
 
#14 ·
Thank you for this. What you say is very insightful, as I've discovered that I've lied so much that there have been times that I've honestly convinced myself that it was the truth. And looking back on things from long ago, there's a cloudy uncertainty to everything - what WAS actually the truth?.... The stupid little lies, even those about utterly meaningless and unimportant things, make 100% certain that I can't count on myself, and will choose wrong without even thinking about it first.

I've been to therapy previously, and "figured out" that my problem was "simply" that I speak too quickly - that I don't think about what I'm going to say before I say it. While that IS true (it was then and is still one of my worst avenues to lying), it was only a scratch on the surface. After a while in therapy, I figured out this was "THE REASON" behind my lying, and actually did get better at it for a period of time. Thought I had it all figured out/solved.... All the while I'm sure that I had a bigger lie/secret/deception hiding in my back pocket that I refused to admit.

It's like a guy who hasn't showered in weeks and is covered in stench and filth washing one hand and saying "There, that's better. Problem solved!"
 
#12 ·
First you need to accept that dishonesty is hardly ever about "protecting" the person you are lying to. You lie to protect you and your serious lack of intestinal fortitude. You also have a serious lack of respect for her...the lying...the bedroom issue...the cheating. Try growing some balls and tell her the truth up front, then respect her by giving her the choice of whether or not to forgive you. It really isnt that difficult.
 
#17 ·
TLDR – 13 year relationship, married almost a year and a half. I cheated in the very beginning; have had numerous and extensive issues lying about money/cheating/smoking (large things); have had even more numerous and extensive issues lying about stupid/small/insignificant things; have shown numerous bouts of disrespect for her. All of this, despite the fact that I love her more than anything, have the utmost respect for her, and have the strong DESIRE to change myself to be a good husband (and person in general).
The first thing you need to do is to stop lying to yourself. You can't do these things to someone you love and respect. No sale.
 
#18 ·
Along with the good info above it may be best to prep yourself to immediately say "no, that's not it etc" after you blurt something out that you start or keep lying to support the first lie.

Be double quick with the "that's not it" right after an auto response and at some point you'll start to feel less stress, at least on the blurting stuff out.

She may well appreciate that small step after she observes you actively doing it consistently every and I mean every time.

But if there's any hope, you've got some work to do.

Don't be afraid to appreciate the small wins as this goes along.

Best,
 
#19 ·
In order for your therapy to have any kind of helpful effect, you MUST be honest with the therapist. Are you? There is nothing more frustrating and soul sucking than living with a liar. All of your apologies dont mean a damn thing if you dont change your behavior. I am having an issue wrapping my brain around how you can be aware of this issue, yet you just keep doing it. Maybe you need a specialized therapist? I do wish you luck, I have no clue why in the world your wife is still there.
 
#20 ·
Doing the work in your case would be truly, openly, without equivocation, accepting that you are a broken, selfish person.

We all chafe at that sort of self-judgment, but not truly facing our selfish impulses means that we lie to ourselves and make excuses - 'I'm really a good person who does some bad things.'

You are someone that your wife cannot trust. That makes you unsafe for her. She can't put her heart in your hands because you have shown her over and over again that you are untrustworthy. You cheat and lie. Say it out loud and then sit in it. Start accepting that you are not a decent person.

If you can stop whatever natural denial you feel, then you can start to become a better, less selfish human being. Stop making every interaction with your wife about you. Focus on her pain. Work on developing some real empathy. Go minute by minute, day by day. Live from this moment on in radical honesty. Start training yourself to be honest. Concentrate on not lying.

Every day that you are an honest person is a day that you were a decent human being. Become better for the wife you say you love so much if you can't just do it for you.

At 36, you're not a kid who just needs to grow up. You sound like you are literally disgusting yourself at this point. Use that disgust to do what you can - you can't undo your past behavior, but you can be honest going forward. (And don't think you should just sweep the past under the rug - if your wife wants to talk about it relentlessly, then you talk about it relentlessly.)

Owning it is accepting who you really are and making real changes. You can start today. If you are honest today, you have a beginning to build on.
 
#27 ·
Here’s the thing, I read the OPs responses on here, and just assume most of it is BS, because he’s a known liar. So if I view it that way, chances are his wife just assumes most of what he says is a lie too. What a miserable relationship.

I have a cousin like this. It was my first experience as a kid with a chronic liar. It was so bizarre to me, because most of her lies served no purpose. Quickly I just stopped believing anything she said. I no longer wanted to play with her (we were very young, she was probably only 4 or 5 at the time, me 6 or 7.) She was super fun, but then the lying started and I was like...whaaatttt?

Due to family gatherings I would still get stuck being around her some. She is no different as an adult, just more skilled. She has ruined every life she has become involved with including, her own children and spouses. She no longer has a relationship with any of her family. Everyone eventually just gave up. She is toxic. Yet, friendly, beautiful, so fun to be around etc. She reels in the unsuspecting. Lying from the first minute to the last.

I still don’t understand people like this, but they do kinda scare me, so I avoid them as much as possible. I don’t even want to give them the chance to quote me, since it will most likely be a lie.
 
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