TLDR – 13 year relationship, married almost a year and a half. I cheated in the very beginning; have had numerous and extensive issues lying about money/cheating/smoking (large things); have had even more numerous and extensive issues lying about stupid/small/insignificant things; have shown numerous bouts of disrespect for her. All of this, despite the fact that I love her more than anything, have the utmost respect for her, and have the strong DESIRE to change myself to be a good husband (and person in general).
Wow. So the TLDR was even fairly long… So for those of you who are still reading, we’ll start at the beginning.
My wife (we’ll call her Z) and I have been together for 13ish years, and been married since October 2018. I’m 36, she’s 31. When we first got together, it was immediately at the end of a 5+ year relationship with my high school/shortly after high school girlfriend. Not exactly sure for how long, since it’s been forever, but for the beginning of my relationship with Z (maybe a year or so?), I remained friends, and unfortunately FWB, with my ex. Long story short, we worked through it and eventually things seemed to get better.
Over the years, I have had numerous issues with lying/deception. The lies can range from literally the smallest, most insignificant thing (my best example is literally lying to blame a fart on the dog), to super gigantic ones (see: the last paragraph on a year’s worth of cheating, as well as hiding having borrowed money a couple of times, neglecting to tell her about my student loan debt for a while, and quitting smoking then hiding starting again several times until getting caught).
The one commonality between them all seems to be not wanting her to be upset or disappointed (with obvious proportionality there to how upset she would be over those different levels of actions - it's not like she's going to leave me over a fart). But when your trust is damaged/broken, even the stupid little ones count!
There have also been issues of me “not showing that I care” in different ways. It seems that I’m crazy good at doing lots of the little things that a great husband would do (I cook, I clean, I’m not lazy, I take good care of our dogs cause we don’t have kids yet, I even pack her lunches and put gas in her car) – good for me! Right? No, because for some reason, while I can remember every word from every song I’ve ever liked, and random baseball factoids, but I can’t remember about an IMPORTANT appointment that I told her I’d go with her to without being reminded (things like this have actually happened several times). We recently had an issue of disrespect in the bedroom (recently, which doesn’t need to be elaborated on). I’m horrible at simply planning out something special for her to make her feel appreciated.
Basically I seemingly do ALL the things that would make a good husband great, but am SEVERLY lacking in the department of making a ****ty husband a good one. Does that make sense?
So here I am, writing this novel that is my story, at least for the most part. I feel like an absolutely horrible human being, and an even worse husband. I want to fix this, I NEED to fix this, before it’s too late (if it’s not already). I have the desire to be a better person, to just be a GOOD person in general. I’ve done therapy before, to work solely on my lying issues (twice previously, each time only a few months long), as well as some other things that I’ve tried over the years (like keeping a journal of literally EVERY lie that I told). I’ve legitimately thought that I had been successful at changing and becoming a better person, and maybe I have in some small amounts, but it seems like every time that I’ve “worked on myself” I’ve had a lie that I’ve been holding in my back pocket. In reality, I’m no better. If you splay it all out on paper, I’m a lying, cheating, disrespectful *******. I just started to see a therapist again, and am going every other week. I’ve read an infinite amount on these boards, and will continue to do so. Any other thoughts/ideas/resources that anyone could contribute would be GREATLY appreciated. I love my wife, and I don’t want to lose her.
Wow. So the TLDR was even fairly long… So for those of you who are still reading, we’ll start at the beginning.
My wife (we’ll call her Z) and I have been together for 13ish years, and been married since October 2018. I’m 36, she’s 31. When we first got together, it was immediately at the end of a 5+ year relationship with my high school/shortly after high school girlfriend. Not exactly sure for how long, since it’s been forever, but for the beginning of my relationship with Z (maybe a year or so?), I remained friends, and unfortunately FWB, with my ex. Long story short, we worked through it and eventually things seemed to get better.
Over the years, I have had numerous issues with lying/deception. The lies can range from literally the smallest, most insignificant thing (my best example is literally lying to blame a fart on the dog), to super gigantic ones (see: the last paragraph on a year’s worth of cheating, as well as hiding having borrowed money a couple of times, neglecting to tell her about my student loan debt for a while, and quitting smoking then hiding starting again several times until getting caught).
The one commonality between them all seems to be not wanting her to be upset or disappointed (with obvious proportionality there to how upset she would be over those different levels of actions - it's not like she's going to leave me over a fart). But when your trust is damaged/broken, even the stupid little ones count!
There have also been issues of me “not showing that I care” in different ways. It seems that I’m crazy good at doing lots of the little things that a great husband would do (I cook, I clean, I’m not lazy, I take good care of our dogs cause we don’t have kids yet, I even pack her lunches and put gas in her car) – good for me! Right? No, because for some reason, while I can remember every word from every song I’ve ever liked, and random baseball factoids, but I can’t remember about an IMPORTANT appointment that I told her I’d go with her to without being reminded (things like this have actually happened several times). We recently had an issue of disrespect in the bedroom (recently, which doesn’t need to be elaborated on). I’m horrible at simply planning out something special for her to make her feel appreciated.
Basically I seemingly do ALL the things that would make a good husband great, but am SEVERLY lacking in the department of making a ****ty husband a good one. Does that make sense?
So here I am, writing this novel that is my story, at least for the most part. I feel like an absolutely horrible human being, and an even worse husband. I want to fix this, I NEED to fix this, before it’s too late (if it’s not already). I have the desire to be a better person, to just be a GOOD person in general. I’ve done therapy before, to work solely on my lying issues (twice previously, each time only a few months long), as well as some other things that I’ve tried over the years (like keeping a journal of literally EVERY lie that I told). I’ve legitimately thought that I had been successful at changing and becoming a better person, and maybe I have in some small amounts, but it seems like every time that I’ve “worked on myself” I’ve had a lie that I’ve been holding in my back pocket. In reality, I’m no better. If you splay it all out on paper, I’m a lying, cheating, disrespectful *******. I just started to see a therapist again, and am going every other week. I’ve read an infinite amount on these boards, and will continue to do so. Any other thoughts/ideas/resources that anyone could contribute would be GREATLY appreciated. I love my wife, and I don’t want to lose her.