This topic is another of the 'never ending debates' on TAM.... I didnt read this entire thread.

I agree with EleGirl just above.

Thing is... for us... we never really made assignments for who does what - but we have fallen into that anyway. But more importantly - I think we have each others back on work.

I cook, she cleans up. I work and make all the money, she works part time and does vast bulk of the heavy lifting on the domestic front - cleaning laundry, etc.

But you know what? If she doesnt do the dishes, I do them. No problem. She pulls the ladder out of the garage and cleaned the gutters out last fall because I didnt (about gave me heart failure seeing her on a ladder) and she had 'fun' doing it. She sees I have a headache and need a break - she takes the kids outside for an hour or 2. I do the same for her.

Maybe I am lucky - but we seem to have found a place where we just do what needs to be done but more importantly I think is that she and I instinctively know when we should step in and do something extra. No complaints, no nagging, no resentment - we do what needs to get done. I think this has really greased the skids in our relationship.

When I see people ranting about what 'he' does or what 'she' does or doesnt do... and people that feel they are doing more than their 'fair' share... it seems a little alien to me and I wonder how it got to that point. That probably souds insufferably obnoxious and self-congratulatory and I dont mean that.

I think if it got overly one-sided, obviously thats a problem. We aint perfect by far - but doing our best - seems to be enough. We all have our limits.

We dont have a good sex life because of alpha or beta or doing chores or tit-for-tat or because its a reward or a a chore in itself... its because the relationship is pretty healthy. If its not healthy - 'who does the laundry' is not your solution.

I didn't read it all either, it's so not an issue for us (and I don't think I can verbalize why not, it just is that way). ETA: the fact we worked together (sharing an office) for 6 years before "dating" likely plays a role.

But below is one of my all time favorite TAM quotes:

this. +1.

Then if this theory holds true, I am living proof of it.

While STBXW was off on her many trips, I was delegated to the essentially-required farm work in addition to most of the household chores. She was not very fastidious in wanting anyone to pick up either around her or her lazy-ass teenaged kids. If I ever did that, I was greatly chastized that my doing so was only serving to "enable" them. My argument for doing it was simply that I wasn't one who wanted to live in a "nasty-assed," cluttered, unorganized house. Never had~never will!

Certain farm and home duties were strictly off limits like grass cutting~ because "only she could do that right."

Having said that, presumably for the last two years of our cohabitation, sex was at an absolute minimum. That's when I felt like little more than the plantation overseer.

Through later post-separation discovery, I sadly discovered that she was rather busy running the highways facilitating her affairs with men from her past who she had reconnected with on FB.

So yes; I would have to give an endorsement to this theory! And that's because that at least from my perspective, just doing the chores, whether they were self-initiated or even ordered by the STBXW, in no way, was any guarantee that you would have any discerned prospects for additional love or affection from her: sexual or otherwise!

That is funny.

I wonder however, if that is more fantasy or rhetorical nonsense than reality. I dont personally know anyone pushing a vacuum around hoping that it will get them sex - do you? The word 'choreplay' did spring into existence however - but I dont buy the 'if you vacuum I will blow you' storyline. I just don't.

If 2 people differ wildly on what they believe their respective responsibilities are in a home... that in itself is the problem - bigger than most realize I would guess - and hauling a dust-mop aint fixing it.

"choreplay"

Personally, no. But it's a part of a familiar storyline around here. Guys doing all/most of the chores and still wondering why they are not getting any.

BTW, glad you're back.

Same here. My husband will take out the trash, so will I. He shovels snow...so do I. We both will do dishes, sometimes together. Basically, if one sees something needs to be done, EITHER of us will pitch in. And *gasp* it never affected our sex life. Imagine that!

When my wife was a sahm she did most of the "female" chores if you will and would even cut the grass (I used to work 7 days 10-14 hrs) if I didn't have time.
Now that she has joined the work force and my work schedule is more flexible than hers I do many of the chores (most of the laundry and cooking I cook better anyhow haha) and we both do the cleaning.
I don't look at chores as his and hers (while there are man only things weed wacker, tree pruning very physical things)no offense ladies) It is our house our kids our mess so we are both equally responsible for it and as long as it gets done who cares about the who. Although my wife handles any puke even mine.
P.S. Why would I want her to come home and spend 3 or 4 hours on chores then she would be too tired for anything in the bedroom

speaking of which....

This House Is Clean (And Sex-Free) « Chateau Heartiste

While not taking a swipe at you, I do think that many SAHM (my wife included) like to have it both ways with the kids. When she has them, it is work, even if some of her time is taking them to the park or doing fun things with them. On the other hand, my time with them is always characterized as fun and relaxation, even when it is going over their homework or putting them to bed.

But it can be part of getting it there. Part of creating a healthy relationship is making sure there is respect and generally equal effort. Division of chores can be an important part of it. Yes, it is a sympton, but it can also be outward evidence of a person's effort.

Agree... but how is that different from... well.. just about anything or anyone?

We all do this to one extent or another seems to me. The grass is greener, etc. People tend to look at the highlight reels of others lives and compare it to the 'full drama' of their own and wonder why things arent better for them.

Its not resignation to accept the life you have - nor is it license to give up and not continue to improve yourself... but I feel people would be much happier if they would stop straining their necks gawking at what they believe is 'a better life' without fully taking invetory about exactly what is good with what they have already. The crotchety old and happy people I know.. 'problems' and conflict just roll off their backs like water off ducks - they smile, shrug, adjust, and proceed with their lives as best they can.

Sorry.. useless, philosophical off topic rant.

Interesting.

Perhaps they are too tired?