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162K views 951 replies 70 participants last post by  iaschneider5 
#1 ·
I'm new here. My name is Ian. Given the fact that when I got hurt 6 years ago I kinda stopped talking to most people I really don't have anyone to talk to I just tried to find a place where I could talk about whats going on with me.

My wife and I have been married since 2017. We have been together for 5 years. We have a 1 child together and she has 2 from a previous relationship. They are mind I have adopted them and nothing will ever change that. So early in the relationship during a period we were fighting my wife or GF at the time ended up sleeping with one of her coworkers. 2 days after her getting hurt walking into work I found out about it. She expressed guilt about it and she said she didn't wanna lose me. I was head over heels for her and those kids at this point so I stayed with her.

Shortly after we got into a car accident and she hurt her neck, During the process to get testing done for it we found out she was pregnant. This prolonged the pain and suffering for her. Given that I decided to not talk to her about the cheating and try to move on which I now see as a mistake.

Just wanted some questions answered and whatever else to help me move on. I did forgive her but I was having hard time moving on. We suffered because of it. I have made stupid comments over the time about coworkers and cheating and whatever else and when she would go out with all of her coworkers it attacked me emotionally and I wasn't very kind to her about it. I would ignore her texts or maybe just be angry when she got home and that is completely my fault.

I will note that when she was going out with any coworkers the one she cheated with was gone. He had left before she went back to work.

Move forward to 2017 I asked her to marry me and we got married. I ended up adopting her children as my own and while I was still having issues in the back of my mind with the cheating Was trying to move on.

About 6 months ago I found out by accident that late at night she was texting someone when I was out of the room or during the day while at work it was an all day thing. I confronted her and wasn't angry I had kept myself together about it ad she explained who it was and why she did it. Nothing sexual just someone to talk to and she didn't wanna tell me beavsue of how I might react. Its an elderly gentleman that is part of a union associated with her job. I overcame my initial anger and saw that she needed this person because I wasn't being the person she needed me to be. That hurt me.

My wife has always had a issue opening up to me its just the kinda person she is. She holds things back or ignores them and hopes it goes away. Her words not mine. It does create some issues but we have been trying to work on it.

After the hidden relationship came out which I feel was wrong but I tried to understand she did start opening up to me and we actually talked about the cheating which of course I could get much info because she claimed to not remember and tried to block it out. Regardless of that It really helped me and ever since then I've tried to just be a good husband try to do everything that was needed of me which I can say hasn't always been the case and Im still not perfect and still need to work on some things but I was trying.

I am still working on a head injury which sometimes makes it difficult for me to remember things and I have a habit of saying things to my wife that while I don't see as wrong or with intent to hurt but she doesn't like and causes her pain. Due to the fact I sometimes forget and she doesn't talk to me it has become a problem. every couple of months she would come at me with a bunch of things i have said or done that is causing her pain and unhappiness but I don't remember half of it and its a tough situation all around. But since the hidden relationship came out I've been trying to be more vocal with her and to a degree her with me.

I have asked many time since then is everything ok? are you happy? she would say she loves me and I would ask are you sure? is there anything I need to do?

The answers were always so positive and I thought we were finally moving on.

BUT we haven't had sex in over a year. Now I love sex and I love my wife and I think she is the most beautiful women I have ever seen but It was slowly killing me inside not being able to touch her. I have been trying to reignite that spark between us but its been hard. and she has been trying a bit as well but she is very guarded and I was still getting nothing from her. We have talked about it and its because of a mix of things. Multiple injuries, Neck, Back, and hip. and she was diagnosed with RA a few years ago and she's been going through a lot with that. And of course me. she still sees the hurtful things i have said to her and how I was acting after the cheating and having a hard time letting go. I can't blame her I did the same thing. No matter what I stood by her and was trying to be there for her but yes the lack of intimacy any intimacy was taking a toll.

I will note some of the things my wife says bothered her were just stupid comments I would make and she would usually just send me a roll her eyes emoji or something like that but never said to at that time it was a issue. Mostly sexual comments.... How much I like her butt or where I wanna kiss her. Few weeks ago she told me she was leaving work and she was dropping a female coworker home and I said don't forget to send pics... My intention was just to get her to laugh at me or send one of those faces because I kinda just saw it as our thing and didn't know it was causing her unhappiness. She never said anything after just sent an emoji and that was the end of it.

For the past 2 months I was confiding in an old friend who is female. she as all having some issues in her relationship. Her man didn't wanna touch her was calling her fat and whatever else. Most of the conversation was normal but a few times maybe 3 or 4 we said some things that should not have been said. I am asshamed to admit it but it happened and i don't know why I did I think at the time just made me feel good to be wanted. I never have touched her and really didn't want to just felt good for a bit. My wife saw one of the messages while on the computer one day and the day she left and said she's been unhappy for a long time said she doesn't want me anymore and she's not coming back.

That was 3 weeks ago this sunday and while she has stated a few times that maybe she will come back she has also stated that she doesn't wanna work it out. We are being civil towards each other and kids and bills and whatever and I'm still trying to be there for what she needs. I am in extreme emotional and physical pain over this and I just want my family back. I do have the kids most of the time becasue of her work schedule but when they are not here like now I can't take it. I am not someone who expresses himself often and I do try to keep things locked up but right now I can't seem to do it.

I will say that she has accused me of over time calling her fat which has caused her pain and that's is one thing I will deny until I die because I have never said that directly to her in the way she is describing. Usually she will be laying in bed calling herself fat and yes I may make a joke to go along with it just tog et her to give me a funny face but right after I would usually come over and tell her to stop saying that because she is beautiful or I would say yes you are PHAT (pretty hot and tempting) heard it in a move once to the same result but the words your fat and need to lose weight or anything like that have never left my mouth like that.
And this is were the issue of not saying something at the time and holding things back creates a problem my mind.

Im sorry that I wrote so much and ive rambled and I understand if no one repsonds. Kinda just needed a place to write it down and get it out.
 
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#2 ·
Also I think because of everything she is going through I think it adds to the feelings she has towards me. Maybe its not true but between injuries and diseases and just life in general I think maybe it magnifies things and feelings towards me. Maybe Im wrong but I hope Im not.

Some of her coworkers say horrible things about her and other women there sexual comments and in some cases there is one or 2 of the guys that comments on her medical status. Making fun of her issues and the fact that she has a handicap parking permit because of it. She has talked to many people about it and then it gets better then they start up again. Next step is to go above someone but either way I think that adds to it and that's not something I can control or that I see as my fault. Its something that angers me and something I wanna be there to help her with.
 
#3 ·
Welcome to TAM. But sorry that you are going through a hard time.

It sounds like you do not have a friends or family who you can rely on for emotional support. Is that right?

Have you considered counseling for both of your, or at least for yourself?
 
#5 ·
Thank you. I do know lots of people but due to my injuries i have chosen not to talk to any of them in a long time and I wouldn't know where to start anyway. I do have my mom and dad but I don't think ill go the route either. If you can't tell i I have a hard time opening up to people. My wife is the first person ive opened up to and that hasn't seemed to help.

I have considered reaching out to someone and will be looking into it. I have asked her if she would consider it and she said she doesn't think it would help. I would have at least would have liked to try.
 
#6 · (Edited by Moderator)
While I understand that you are 50% responsible for what has happened in the relationship, she is 100% responsible for cheating.
Cheaters don't cheat because you didn't do something right or perfectly. They cheat because they are cheaters.
Please don't buy that ********. She is trying to blame you for her actions.

Others will give you better advice but you need to stop trying to be perfect. You will never be perfect enough for a cheater. There will always be some excuse. She has no personal boundaries.

What she is experiencing at work is bullying and workplace harassment. She has to report it to a superior at work or the Labour board.
 
#8 ·
While I understand that you are 50% responsible for what has happened in the relationship, she is 100% responsible for cheating.
Cheaters don't cheat because you didn't do something right or perfectly. They cheat because they are cheaters.
Please don't buy that bullsh*t. She is trying to blame you for her actions.

Others will give you better advice but you need to stop trying to be perfect. You will never be perfect enough for a cheater. There will always be some excuse. She has no personal boundaries.

What she is experiencing at work is bullying and workplace harassment. She has to report it to a superior at work or the Labour board.
She never blamed me for cheating but for how I acted because of it. I can accept some of that blame but she also wasn't very good at talking to me so I don't think that helped. Its my fault that I never tried to talk to her about it right away. I choose to try let it go and I shouldn't have.

That was years ago and since i found out about the texting relationship we did talk about it. That relationship hurt me given that she was talking to him instead of me but I tried to understand. I thought I was doing better that's for sure. I can't help the fact that If I ask her if she's happy and she says yes but is lying to me, and the feelings that go along with it.
 
#10 ·
[
Im sorry that I wrote so much and ive rambled and I understand if no one repsonds. Kinda just needed a place to write it down and get it out.
Sir, l see your other post about wanting to take some blame. Not a good thing to do. If bad enough she should have divorce you. But above is a possibility if the lack of intimacy, not assertive enough, even here amoug us here already apologizing for writing your hurt. You must change your attitude. To passive and not being yourself.
 
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#11 ·
I'm new here. My name is Ian. Given the fact that when I got hurt 6 years ago I kinda stopped talking to most people I really don't have anyone to talk to I just tried to find a place where I could talk about whats going on with me.

My wife and I have been married since 2017. We have been together for 5 years. We have a 1 child together and she has 2 from a previous relationship. They are mind I have adopted them and nothing will ever change that. So early in the relationship during a period we were fighting my wife or GF at the time ended up sleeping with one of her coworkers. 2 days after her getting hurt walking into work I found out about it. She expressed guilt about it and she said she didn't wanna lose me. I was head over heels for her and those kids at this point so I stayed with her. I think you see now how big of a mistake it was to accept her and her kids after her cheating, especially since it looks like you rug-swept.

Shortly after we got into a car accident and she hurt her neck, During the process to get testing done for it we found out she was pregnant. just to make sure, did you DNA test?This prolonged the pain and suffering for her. Given that I decided to not talk to her about the cheating and try to move on which I now see as a mistake. Yup HUGE mistake.

Just wanted some questions answered and whatever else to help me move on. I did forgive her but I was having hard time moving on. We suffered because of it. I have made stupid comments over the time about coworkers and cheating and whatever else and when she would go out with all of her coworkers it attacked me emotionally and I wasn't very kind to her about it. I would ignore her texts or maybe just be angry when she got home and that is completely my fault. After what she did with a co-worker, she NEVER should have gone out with them without you. EVER.

I will note that when she was going out with any coworkers the one she cheated with was gone. He had left before she went back to work. Doesn't matter, she should NOT have been going out with them, especially if guys were making comments about her (as you mention below)

Move forward to 2017 I asked her to marry me and we got married. I ended up adopting her children as my own and while I was still having issues in the back of my mind with the cheating Was trying to move on. YOU should be going to counseling to find out why you rug-swept and accepted this so easily.
You sound a bit like a KISA.

About 6 months ago I found out by accident that late at night she was texting someone when I was out of the room or during the day while at work it was an all day thing. I confronted her and wasn't angry !!!?? WHY NOT ??? You already knew she cheated on you, and here she was doing it again????? I had kept myself together about it ad she explained who it was and why she did it. Nothing sexual just someone to talk to and she didn't wanna tell me beavsue of how I might react. Yeah, because you might have realized she was cheating again. Its an elderly gentleman that is part of a union associated with her job. I overcame my initial anger and saw that she needed this person because I wasn't being the person she needed me to be. That hurt me. BS -- she was cheating -- at LEAST an EA. Age didn't matter, you should never have accepted this.

My wife has always had a issue opening up to me its just the kinda person she is. She holds things back or ignores them and hopes it goes away. Her words not mine. It does create some issues but we have been trying to work on it. So she won't open up to YOU but is ok opening up to an "elderly gentleman" and her co-worker??? BS again. She is BSing you -- and you need t realize it.

After the hidden relationship came out which I feel was wrong but I tried to understand she did start opening up to me and we actually talked about the cheating which of course I could get much info because she claimed to not remember and tried to block it out. Again, BS -- she remembers EVERYTHING about it, but just doesn't want you to be pissed even more when you find out what she did, how frequently, etc.. Regardless of that It really helped me and ever since then I've tried to just be a good husband try to do everything that was needed of me which I can say hasn't always been the case and Im still not perfect and still need to work on some things but I was trying.

I am still working on a head injury which sometimes makes it difficult for me to remember things and I have a habit of saying things to my wife that while I don't see as wrong or with intent to hurt but she doesn't like and causes her pain. Due to the fact I sometimes forget and she doesn't talk to me it has become a problem. every couple of months she would come at me with a bunch of things i have said or done that is causing her pain and unhappiness but I don't remember half of it and its a tough situation all around. But since the hidden relationship came out I've been trying to be more vocal with her and to a degree her with me. Are you 100% sure everything is over? I'm guessing she is using the head injury as an excuse and just went further underground.

I have asked many time since then is everything ok? are you happy? she would say she loves me and I would ask are you sure? is there anything I need to do?

The answers were always so positive and I thought we were finally moving on.

BUT we haven't had sex in over a year. WHY? Because she is still worried about her OM.Now I love sex and I love my wife and I think she is the most beautiful women I have ever seen but It was slowly killing me inside not being able to touch her. I have been trying to reignite that spark between us but its been hard. and she has been trying a bit as well but she is very guarded and I was still getting nothing from her. We have talked about it and its because of a mix of things. Multiple injuries, Neck, Back, and hip. and she was diagnosed with RA a few years ago and she's been going through a lot with that. And of course me. she still sees the hurtful things i have said to her Oh boo hoo --- SHE is the one who cheated, and just wanted you to accept it and shut up/not talk about it. Tough for her. and how I was acting after the cheating and having a hard time letting go. How could you let it go -- you rug swept and never got details/etc to get past it. I can't blame her I did the same thing. No matter what I stood by her and was trying to be there for her but yes the lack of intimacy any intimacy was taking a toll.

I will note some of the things my wife says bothered her were just stupid comments I would make and she would usually just send me a roll her eyes emoji or something like that but never said to at that time it was a issue. Mostly sexual comments.... How much I like her butt or where I wanna kiss her. Few weeks ago she told me she was leaving work and she was dropping a female coworker home and I said don't forget to send pics... My intention was just to get her to laugh at me or send one of those faces because I kinda just saw it as our thing and didn't know it was causing her unhappiness. She never said anything after just sent an emoji and that was the end of it.

For the past 2 months I was confiding in an old friend who is female. she as all having some issues in her relationship. Her man didn't wanna touch her was calling her fat and whatever else. Most of the conversation was normal but a few times maybe 3 or 4 we said some things that should not have been said. I am asshamed to admit it but it happened and i don't know why I did I think at the time just made me feel good to be wanted. I never have touched her and really didn't want to just felt good for a bit. My wife saw one of the messages while on the computer one day and the day she left and said she's been unhappy for a long time said she doesn't want me anymore and she's not coming back. What you did was wrong, but she had a PA with a co-worker, NEVER worked with you to get past that, and NOW she's hurt?
She is just using this as an excuse to make YOU look like the bad guy for breaking up.

That was 3 weeks ago this sunday and while she has stated a few times that maybe she will come back she has also stated that she doesn't wanna work it out. We are being civil towards each other and kids and bills and whatever and I'm still trying to be there for what she needs. I am in extreme emotional and physical pain over this and I just want my family back. I do have the kids most of the time becasue of her work schedule but when they are not here like now I can't take it. Document all of the time that you have the kids vs her -- you will need it for custody arrangements. I am not someone who expresses himself often and I do try to keep things locked up but right now I can't seem to do it.

I will say that she has accused me of over time calling her fat which has caused her pain and that's is one thing I will deny until I die because I have never said that directly to her in the way she is describing. Usually she will be laying in bed calling herself fat and yes I may make a joke to go along with it just tog et her to give me a funny face but right after I would usually come over and tell her to stop saying that because she is beautiful or I would say yes you are PHAT (pretty hot and tempting) heard it in a move once to the same result but the words your fat and need to lose weight or anything like that have never left my mouth like that.
And this is were the issue of not saying something at the time and holding things back creates a problem my mind.

Im sorry that I wrote so much and ive rambled and I understand if no one repsonds. Kinda just needed a place to write it down and get it out.
I really think that she is manipulating you -- you rug swept the first cheating, and I would not be surprised if she is cheating again -- look at her phone if you can (without her knowing) -- look at your phone records, etc.. I think you are being played here.
 
#12 ·
Idk about manipulating me I mean besides the issues i have said here we have had a pretty good life and some good times. Lots of factors here of course. Yes I swept it under the rug which was a mistake that's for sure. She currently doesn't live here anymore so I can't look at her phone if I wanted to and she deletes her messages, we both do discovered a few years back our phones run quicker when not clogged with so many messages. Idk about being played either but i def feel like she is putting all the blame on me and I'm sure talking to her friends and listening to what they say but
of course with only one side of the story.

DNA test... Not needed my child without a doubt. But to add I found out she cheated about 1 to 2 months after it happened. She didn't tell me I suspected something and went in her phone. The messages were there and he was trying again and saying lots of things. From what she did tell me and what I saw it happened once and was very quick. Not that makes a difference or anything.


I do agree with you to some point on going out with coworkers but I am also not trying to be controlling but i did let my thoughts about it be heard. If she did go out it was with a large group of them but I did struggle with it and usually wasn't very nice about it.
The cheating happened on a lunch break he had met up with her for it and it was just them.

The comments i mean are from usually the same 2 people and the stuff they say about her is mostly about her disability status and making fun of her. The sexual stuff the say is towards other girls who usually arnt there so I'm sure they say stuff like that about her when she's not there. They are both older one is over 60 and one is nearing and they are just loud mouths but of it shouldn't happen. Of course some of the girls like the attention so that doesn't help things.

I am considering taking to someone no matter what. In terms of why I accepted it so easily I guess all it love. we wanted to move on together. Is what it is at this point.


I understand that she was having an emotional relationship with this man and I don't believe it to be sexual and I know she is doing it again now that she has left. It did hurt. I told her it did she doesn't accept the the fact that it is a relationship but she did stop and we tried to move on and at that point I was trying to be more open towards her and she said she wasn't doing the same but I guess I was wrong there.

The lack of sex was originally because of all the medical issues she was having and we did talk about it. She has back injury, Hip injury which was the major factor at that point, neck injury and then got Diagnosed with RA. It was defiantly a rough time but as time went on I suspected something else was going on and she did try to be a bit more intimate with me but still had no desire for sex.


I'm not sure if we are 100% over or not I'm getting mixed messages but that's how she always has been. She has sat and listened to me and she has given me some feedback which leads me to believe she still wants us to figure out how to make it work but she has said multiple times said that she's not sure if she wants this and has also said maybe with time. She has never used my injuries as a reason for anything. I have to some extent because I do forget things and when she would come at me with a bunch of stuff built up over time I wouldn't remember some of it and have said to her that I don't believe I said that or maybe it was supposed to be a joke but its tough to communicate that way in general. Told her multiple times needs to happen at the time there is an issue. She acknowledges that she holds things back or ignores them and hopes they go away which is a problem.

The cheating happened little over 4 years ago now.. The emotional relationship with the older man was about 5 or 6 months ago.
 
#13 ·
She cheats, you're just supposed to suck it up, she has a emotional relationship, and the answer is "So what? Get over it, already!"

You have an emotional relationship and it's...



That's not to say your emotional affair wasn't wrong. It was, but you each need to accept responsibility for what you did as a husband or a wife.

I would suggest counselling. Is any available through work or a trade union? (Obviously keeping the older man out of the equation.)
 
#14 ·
She found it all.

She found love with another man, a co-worker.
She found a friend in an old gent.

She got crushed in the process.
She won nothing but pain and rheumatoid arthritis.
She earned hatred from her co-workers.

Her karma followed her around doing its quick, tit-for-tat.
I suspect (having suspicions) that the Karma came first, her late actions happening after the fact.

All these actions, the reactions and pain come from a common source, a common thread.
One outside both of your combined control....as so witnessed.
Those strings, while not visible, they are present, they do effect motion, thought and action.

You were merely a witness, a bystander to her slow, painful demise,

Fate is, has dismissed her.

I feel sorry for her, and sorrier for you.

This whole marital drama was a smash-hit.
She got smashed, you got hit.

Aw, let her go, it will only get worse. I promise you this.
How, could I not?




QN/KB-
 
#15 ·
Well to be fair to her i choose to not talk about the cheating given everything that was going on. She didn't ask me to but i just wanted to move on but I see that was a mistake now and i was a jerk about it at times or made comments I shouldn't have about coworkers and such. Sometimes in a joking manner sometimes not but either way should have paid attention that it hurt her. As years went on I did suffer more and try to talk to her but she wanted to move on and I understand that but I needed to talk to her about it. We did eventually do it and it did help.

When it comes to the emotional affair I highly doubt it was anything sexual i think it was more of someone to talk to (well I hope so anyway since he's almost 70!) and she did say that but she doesn't see it as an emotional affair and I did. I just tried to be understanding since she said she felt she couldn't talk to me. I said things I should have been saying to her not another girl. My wife doesnt like that kinda talk guess I just liked being able to say it without being told to stop idk

We are both going to be looking into counseling. Spoke with her tonight when she brought kids over she said she's not ready to do it together but I'm thinking maybe we should see the same one just separate for now. The therapy is covered under insurance. I did ask her if she still had any thoughts of us working out and she said she didn't know which is the answer I get out of for everything but it wasn't a no. I think our marriage is worth saving. We both made some mistakes of course. Maybe I shouldn't try to idk
 
#24 ·
We are both going to be looking into counseling. Spoke with her tonight when she brought kids over she said she's not ready to do it together but I'm thinking maybe we should see the same one just separate for now. The therapy is covered under insurance. I did ask her if she still had any thoughts of us working out and she said she didn't know which is the answer I get out of for everything but it wasn't a no. I think our marriage is worth saving. We both made some mistakes of course. Maybe I shouldn't try to idk
I get that she was injured, which creates issues for sex. But she's only 29, it's not as if the hormones are gone, and she still seems to crave the attention of men. Just not you. So I'm not really sure what there is to be saved here? When you say it's been a year since you've had "sex" does that cover any and all types of sex? It is not normal for a man or woman your age to go completely without sex for a year and not expect really bad things down the road. You already know that she is a sexual person. She knows that you're able to put sex on the table for a year. How can that add up to anything good?
 
#17 ·
What a nice bloke, you are.
You deserve better.

Such trouble and strife, this woman.

After she shagged the co-worker, you only got a bit nippy with her.
You should have buggered out.

She's got them loose mumbleys.

Nah, you stayed.
Which is all good, its the missus' clanger, not your's.

Good luck!


King Brian-
 
#18 ·
I hear what your saying and yes I know she is talking to him again about us but she never stopped talking to him it just wasn't to the degree that it was before. She said she felt she couldn't open up to me so we tried to work on it. It still hasn't gotten to the degree it was which I do know. They have had a friendship for years and he has been very helpful to her with regards to injuries and whatever else but that is his job since he is part of the union.

I'm not trying to sit in limbo but yes I would like the relationship to continue but of course need her on board for that. She said she is going to speak to someone by herself at first and then maybe together. I would rather us work through these issues then divorce. We have discussed how it might go if we did and discussed some financial things since everything is so intertwined at the moment.

We would both try avoid bringing lawyers into it and try to do it has nicely as possible but of course at some point it may be inevitable given that child support will come into play and its most likely her thats gonna have to pay it.

I won't lay down if it gets to the point but for now I would like to get her back so I'm gonna try to do what i have been even prior to her leaving which is show her I'm there for her and always have been. I suggested she or we go speak to someone a few times just because of everything we have been through and she didn't want to but now she sees it needs to happen. I mean besides anything between us she has suffered a lot for a young age. Not sure if i mentioned she is 29 I am 30.
 
#19 ·
Sorry, maybe I wasn't clear -- I wasn't suggesting you GO for a divorce. I was suggesting you see a few different lawyers to see WHAT would happen in a divorce, what you'd need to have together, how child custody/etc. would go in your state.
Get the information. This way YOU can plan how things go for your life, and not just wait for her to "see a therapist" by herself, and then "maybe" together. I am suggesting that you start getting plans together on how to move forward if things don't work out -- this way, you are that much ahead of the game and won't have a lot of uncertainties, because if that does happen, the emotions will be running high and this way you have concrete plans.

I know you want this to continue, but at 29 with kids, she is an adult and has to take responsibility for her actions. Having had an affair, and now an EA (and STILL IN THAT!!!), there need to be consequences. She has no boundaries, and doesn't respect you if she is doing this. I just want YOU to be prepared for the eventuality that she is gone.
 
#22 ·
Glad you are finally taking advice. Not trying to be
rude but you need to take care of you first. FIRST!!
Sounds like she is doing whatever she wants when she
wants. Cheating, cheating some more, talking about her
relationship to a total stranger. A stranger you don't know
and doesn't know you. Two sides to every story, that is
what counselors are for, not strangers!!

You talked to someone and she got upset. You should talk
to her about this. Maybe with a counselors help. To many
people involved in your marriage. Strangers!! How many people
are in a marriage? TWO, you and her, and a good counselor could
help. Just like the blame is not all on you !! Stop accepting it, she
is at fault also. Cheating, EA and leaving is hers alone. She should not
expect you to just get over it. Nobody does that easily it takes a lot of
time to heal from that.

Now that she has moved out ( her way again!! ) what about you ?
You probably don't know who she is really seeing or talking to, or
cheating with. Just what she is telling you and patiently
awaiting her return. If she does ? What about the kids, seeing them
or not? You have rights and need to see a lawyer and fight for your
self. TODAY !!

Sorry if I upset you but it seems to me your taking all of the blame
and responsibility and she is doing what ever she wants. When she wants !!
Stop doing that and take care of yourself, with her or without he in your life.

Take care of yourself, she may already be gone.
 
#21 ·
Your wife left 3 weeks ago. Where is she living? Has she seen the kids? What is your custody arrangement right now? Does she take them every other week or have you been keeping them full time for the past 3 weeks?

I really don't like where this is going. You married a known cheater and history is repeating itself. Take the advice and seek out a good divorce attorney. And get your balls back. You've been a complete doormat and your wife hasn't had sex with you in over a year. You don't have a wife anymore, you have a roommate. Well that was until she moved out. Listen to what a person says and then watch their actions. Your wife has told you that she is done, and then she moved out. Seems pretty clear to me.
 
#25 · (Edited)
Sorry lots of missing information. Just to add in the cheating happened just over 4 years ago. It happened once and it was very quick... I still have the messages burned in my head so I know a lot about it. When I found out she didn't go back to work right away because of injures and then found out she was pregnant. The guy she cheated with left before she went back which to me was a good thing.

The talking with the union guy was about 6 months ago. He's almost 70 so I'm not worried about anything sexual there but still shouldn't have happened.

She is living with her mom for now which is about 10 minutes away. Right now I have the kids most of the week besides the night before her day off. She has also taken then on friday nights and either I pick them up on saturday if she's working or when one day they stayed with their grandmother. and she has them saturday night. Its been 3 weeks still working all that out.

Yes she cheated and I kept the relationship going after talking with her. My choice and I don't regret it besides not talking about the cheating right away. I was an ******* to her at times and made a lot of comments early on about other men and coworkers and she tolerated it and I tired to get better. Not taking blame but just saying. We have worked together to build a nice life but issues don't get talked about so this is where its at. I am not a doormat and never was I just tried to be understanding and yes constant injuries and RA diagnoses didn't help.
 
#23 ·
#26 ·
One of the issues which she has acknowledged is that she lied to me a bit when I would ask her is everything ok and is she happy is this what she wants etc etc along with holding things back instead of just coming to me. She wasn't talking to me so any issues she had built up inside her. i believe its a circle. She cheated i tried to let it go and it didn't work out very well so I acted in ways towards her i shouldn't have saying stupid things or getting pissed at her for whatever reasons.

Because of that she didn't talk to me and spoke to someone else. Because any attempts i made to talk to her didn't work I ended up talking to someone else myself and at times it got a bit graphic.... She saw some for those messages. I am pissed she left instead of talking to me after Ive tried to be understanding through a lot but I will say we have talked more lately then we have in a while. I do believe a lot of the other things she has going on are effecting her overall judgement and feelings towards me which I really can't control.

Im not trying to take the blame for everything she def has a part in this but I shouldn't have spoke to that other girl in the way i did. Im not even interested in her just like saying those things and not being told to stop i guess. My wife doesn't like that kinda talk never did. and there was just some kissing never anything else during that year. We did have some times we were close and I would have liked it to keep going but it didn't. One time we almost had sex but of course like clockwork one of the kids woke up and the was the end of that.

We are able to see someone through her jobs EAP which is nice and free which is better. Given a few names and we are figuring out who to see. We will start separate and then maybe together. Either to work things out or to help us both move on. Our lives will be more complicated apart of course and what sucks on my end of things I am also injured and I don't make much because I am on workers comp. I got screwed on that end of things. But we do have a good life both drive brand new cars can afford what we need and somethings we don't.. In the end I will try be as civil as I can be for the kids and of course because there is no reason to get nasty but If it does turn nasty I will not hesitate to protect myself and my interests.

Thank you for all the replies.
 
#27 ·
And yes I want her back still. Besides some issues we have a pretty good life and get along. But wouldn't most people at this stage? I mean whatever happens happens but right now Im willing to work it out if she's willing to admit her faults and start talking to me.. and working on the intimacy would be nice. I'm admitting my faults anyway.

She has said before that I could go do what I want with someone else and I thought she was joking but she seemed serious and I responded with you will just leave me when I get back to which she said as long as i don't get them pregnant.... Now I see how big of an issue it would have been if I took her up on it smh
 
#35 ·
And yes I want her back still. Besides some issues we have a pretty good life and get along. But wouldn't most people at this stage? I mean whatever happens happens but right now Im willing to work it out if she's willing to admit her faults and start talking to me.. and working on the intimacy would be nice. I'm admitting my faults anyway.

She has said before that I could go do what I want with someone else and I thought she was joking but she seemed serious and I responded with you will just leave me when I get back to which she said as long as i don't get them pregnant.... Now I see how big of an issue it would have been if I took her up on it smh
This here sir. LISTEN to her words.

As a woman let me tell you this. If A woman says this to you it’s because she is setting you free. She herself is in a relationship and wants you to give her a reason for this to end.

I am sorry that this has happened. But everyone is right. Your wife has left the building. A long time now.

Please stop blaming yourself for getting “pissy” and handling her affair by saying “mean” things about others.
Goodness man, you were hurting! Men express hurt with ANGER. You had every right to be angry. The person you loved had betrayed you and the pain is HORRIBLE. The self doubt is agonizing. Your reaction was perfectly normal and acceptable.

You blame yourself for how you handled the fact that she wasn’t intimate with you but had no problem sharing herself with someone else?
She is using your head injury against you. Claiming you said or did things that you can’t remember. Cruel.

I’m hoping with the head injury that you have been investigated for depression as a common side effect. Plug into any and all assistance programs, brain rehab, talk therapy.

Your wife has it great. You watch the kids. She plays with whoever she wants and she doesn’t have to pay you a DIME.
It’s not fair.
You honestly deserve better.
 
#29 ·
Some people are not meant to be married. Sounds like your wife is one of them. You can't will her to be a good wife. I suspect you are not the first or the last who she will fail with.

Work on you and get to a place where you choose better next time.

I know that is not the advice you wanted, but it may be the advice you needed.
 
#31 ·
Yes Yes to a degree comments talking about coworkers and whatever ive said intentionally or not should have been expected to a degree but since I choose to try move onI should have been a bit better better about it. Like I said its a circle but yes a lot of this is caused by cheating if she never cheated most of the issues we are having now would be there. Injuries would still be there, Lack of sex maybe hard to tell. I'm going to be calling today to set up an appt to talk to someone. I should have just left when she cheated but we all make mistakes in life. No regrets now we made a family and I don't regret any of that.


Yes I have thought many times that maybe she just isn't meant to be in long lasting relationship. Some people arnt. I enjoy it and welcome it, Maybe it's becoming to much and she was just looking for an out and what I wrote that girl was it.

I choose to continue after the cheating after it came out but I should have never choose to not talk about it. No telling how much different things would be at this point. Maybe the ending would be the same but who knows. I can admit my mistakes and my actions I am an adult I'm not going to ignore them but she has a lot to admit as well and so far only admitting some of it. Maybe therapy will help her see its not just on me and when this marriage is over she will have to live with the mistakes and choices she's made.
 
#33 ·
I doubt if she will admit she made any mistakes. She will blame you
as much as possible most likely for everything. Cheaters do that all
of the time. You have admitted you made mistakes, just don't let her
put everything on you. You met someone, fell in love, married them,
adopted two children, and even stayed and tried to work on things after
cheating. Still would try if she was or is willing. What more does she expect
from you ?

Take care of you from now on.
 
#34 · (Edited)
She is making you out to be the bad guy.

If you were such a bad guy, why would she leave the children with you a majority of the time?

She knows you have a head injury and she still holds it against you about things you say, then not remember saying them. This is not very accepting on her part of your situation and your injury. And I would question if you actually ever said all those things she says that you said. My brother has brain injuries that do affect his memory, and he can become frustrated at times and have outbursts. I can speculate, given my experience, that you have outbursts too. It’s extremely common with brain injuries and it’s nothing to be ashamed of. However, my brother remembers the Important things. And to me you seem like a person that is coherent and you can recollect things well from your memory. So in dealing with a loved one that has a head injury, I don’t entirely believe what your wife is saying.

Furthermore, the fact that she has a isolated herself from her children, because work and can’t be with a person like you who cheats or goes behind her back(when she has done this more than once, regardless of marital time frame), tells me there is something deeply wrong with your wife. Both of these things are excuses. Especially when it comes to children. She’s jacked in the head. Ask me how I know… My ex-wife married the first guy that came along (actually the guy that she was cheating on me with when she left) and moved three states away, leaving the children with me. Before she made the big leap of getting married and moving, the excuses to the children why they weren’t with her more often/why she left the home were “work“ and “your father is bad to me”. And just like your wife, she ran to her mama’s house and hid there AWAY from her children with logical justification for bad choices. Additionally, she was always looking for something to make her feel happy when we were together. Romance novels. Television. Candy crush. And other meaningless fillers for life. Anything that would easily give her happiness that really wasn’t earned. Maybe this sounds familiar?

Now back to my very first question:

If you were such a bad guy, why would she leave the children with you a majority of the time?

Is she not afraid of how your brain injuries influence your behavior and how that will affect the children(I am still speculating)? She definitely pointed things out about you to make you feel bad about your brain injury. And like I said, I know with observation the frustration that can come from having a brain injury and the outbursts that can happen.

But here’s the deal. I don’t think you’re a bad guy. If you were really a bad guy like she says you are, those children would be with her and she would be actively keeping them away from you. But that’s not the case. Your wife is selfish. More than likely mentally unstable, seeing how she separated from her children the way that she has. That is not something that a motherly figure does. She doesn’t care about anybody but herself and what makes her feel good. Her mother is probably appalled with her, but doesn’t say anything about it to your wife, because her mom is probably not a strong woman figure. Because women raised by women that are strong don’t runaway and leave their children behinds and then seeing them occasionally.

You’re not a bad guy, bro. You’re probably a little bit too nice and is the person to sweep things under the rug to keep the peace. But you are definitely not a bad guy if those kids are around you most the time.

Just to be honest. I would divorce her and I wouldn’t waste time.

Sending Love!


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
#36 ·
Yes I do believe she is making me out to be the bad guy and not taking into account things that she has done. And when she does its only a little bit. She has stated that I am the issue for her emotionally and mentally. I feel the same way about her but I do think its due to the lack of communication of course.

Yes ive had outbursts in the past but at that point I quickly apologized and to that degree she is/ was understanding. I am suffering less then I was before but the memory still gets foggy. Things prior to my injury I remember pretty much the same as anyone else but everything after I really have to think on to remember and it could take some time. Most of the time bad headaches and neck pain get in the way of thinking clearly. I have found something that helps my neck pain and that has helped me a lot with everything.
Sometimes I have a hard time remembering the day my daughter was born or just remembering her when she was younger, It really gets to me.

I will state while she is defianlty trying to not spend much time with me she's not isolating herself from the kids. I'm not saying that to defend her but given that she is out of the house at 7am and not back until 6pm right now since not living here seeing the kids as often isn't gonna work out. I have offered to just have her come here for dinner or just to hang out so she could see them but so far nothing. The whole situation is an adjustment for everyone of course. For example yesterday she took off of work because she has had a sinus and ear infection for almost 2 weeks and nothing is working to help it. Since she was off she got the kids after school and kept them for dinner and will be taking them tonight overnight. They are off from school today so if she stayed home today Im sure she will take them earlier.
She loves her children and would never act like that towards them. I know hard to tell about people you don't know and I''m defending her about her leaving and what she has done to me but I don't want you to think she is a bad mother because that is one thing she is not.

As Ive said before I think a lot of his she's feeling has to do with everything that goes on her in life, injuries, Autoimmune disease, Issues at work and the issues between us but In terms of us I think getting **** on more then I deserve. I do believe she is depressed and have suggested in the past she talk to someone but she refused. Im glad now she is willing to regardless of what happens to us.

When I said her moms house I should have said parents. They are still together. Her mom does suffer from depression and she just shops a lot because of it. Her dad (like my wife) is passive most of the time and doesn't do much to fix the situation. Even when he does speak up it doesn't matter. They have their own set of issues to deal with. My wife worries about that as well. I try tell her not to worry so much but most people worry about their parents I do the same thing.
 
#37 ·
When she told me I could find someone I was a bit surprised and didn't know what to make of it. Just to explain how it came up .

I dont remembre that exact conversation but I remember that we were talking and I was saying Id like to try get intimate and wished we could work on it. She sid she was trying which to a small degree she was, Kissing more, touching but nothing else. She said she has no desire to have sex right now to which I asked if that was just about me. She said she has no desire to have sex with anyone not just me. Not sure If I believed her or not at the tome or now even. Anyway I stated I stated Id like to keep working on it and she said she would try. I joked around and said Ill go find a girlfriend soI wouldn't have to bother her and she said go ahead whatever makes you happy. I said she makes me happy and she would probably leave if I did that and she said as long as I didn't get whoever it was pregnant. I took it all as a joke between us.

It has come up other times maybe once or twice where maybeI fit as trying to get close to her she said I should find someone else since she doesn't wanna have sex right now. I never acted on it and never intended to... maybe I should but I had the same thought that If I did she would just use it as a reason to leave and use it to blame me for everything which is what is happening now in terms of some dirty texts.

Yes I do feel a little upset that now she has more free time and wondering whats she's doing with it but honestly when the kids arnt here I dont know what to do with myself. I'm not as upset as I was thats she's gone of course still am but its not as bad.

Right no there is no custody agreements or child support in place. I dont make as much money as her which was how we worked. I watched the kids and she got a career since I wasn't able to at the moment. I am wondering how it would work now when Im done with workers comp and try to find work. But I guess we will cross the bridge when we come to it.

Right now our finances are sorta saying the same but I'm sure that will get interesting as time goes on.

The other day we were talking on the phone just about kids and some other things and the subject of child support and all that came up if we were to divorce and such. She said that she would end up getting screwed because of child support and said maybe we should just stay together so I can keep my health Insurance ( its really good) and she wouldn't have to pay. It really pissed me off and after hanging up I collected myself and called her back later in the day and let her know. Just let her know how I felt about her saying that and that i see what was on her mind.

I do wish she would understand that I do forget a lot. She has acknowledged it for alot of things one the course of our relationship until it seems the timing suits her....

I was diagnosed with adjustment disorder with depression and anxiety years ago due to my head/neck injury. That was prior to finding something that helped me and things have gotten better but given the past few years and current situation Im am going to talk with someone.

Interesting fact when we first starting hanging out/ dating i was only seeing a neurologist and my pain would be unbearable at some points. I ended up going to see a spine surgeon after her mother suggested it (she had discs replaced from a car accident) and he told me more in 1 hour then the other drs did in 2 years. Led to me having a better life and actually knowing what was wrong with me. So without her that might have never happened who knows. Always gotta look at the silver lining!
 
#38 ·
Sorry I know I wrote a lot just felt I should add something else that she would use against me. And She's probably right if even in the end It was only because I cared.

So As Ive stated my wife has a few injuries and she has RA. She is a mail carrier. While she does drive she also walks. She has a few different routes. Anyway I have ate strong feeling that why she keeps having flare ups and Issues like infections that won't go away ( like she's having now) is because she over works herself. She has an 8 hour restriction but I believe its not good enough at that job. Its to demanding on her body.

She has 1 slip and fall walking into work which led to a knee injury. Then because she was out we got into the car accident together. Would have been just me or not at al if she didn't get hurt. another slip and fall where she injured her lower back and hip. and then more recently another slip and fall walking up to someones mailbox. Hurt the same knee again. Add all that with RA and Im not very happy with the situation. I was/am always worried she going to get hurt again and next time more serious. then has been some serious injuries at her office.

Anyway because of those facts I have tried to convince her to apply for disability retirement which she will qualify for. Means she can get paid a small amount keep her benefits and work someone else if she chooses. or not work at all. I told her she dissent have to because I can make it work given our current situation. She insisted she needs to keep working for us and I know its not true. I have defiantly been aggressive about her doing it a fact that I now regret. I have gotten nasty at some times because I would be thinking it was just because she wanted to stay in her office with the people she like and yes I said maybe your sleeping with someone there. I would say sorry but the words are still there. Just hate watching her push herself like that.

Also She has been unable to get a transfer closer to home and when 1 came up very close about 6 miles away we knew she would get denied but a lot of people on the postal forums and her union said if she calls it might help her get it. Would have been a 15 min commute vs 1 hour. I pushed her very hard to call and try but she refused. and again I said some things in reference to her coworkers and just wanting to stay there and not be close to home. I also call the guys she have lunch with her boyfriends but i dont mean it to be nasty just say it because thats the ones she's close with and they all have lunch together a lot, Women also. She calls the moms I talk to at our kids school my girlfriends its just something we say bit of course now its a bit problem!

Anyway not defending her position just adding in facts they are all out there.
 
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