Frazzleds Musi 2ngs Part - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 13 (permalink) Old 10-06-2019, 12:33 AM Thread Starter
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Frazzleds Musi 2ngs Part

God showed me something the other day.

Short recap for newer readers - I was a virgin when I got married, wife said same. Turns out later she lied about many things. (finding out even more as we go thru divorce).

Anyways, back to the night my wife & I first had intercourse. May be a bit TMI for some people.

I am uncircumcised. I always pulled back skin & cleaned. Never had any discomfort.
Shortly after I entered wife & we started in earnest, I felt a sharp pain & when I pulled out, blood everywhere.
At first I thought it was from my wife, but quickly realized it was me. I scheduled a appointment with a urologist & my wife insisted on coming along.

I'm sitting in exam room with wife after a nurse had done a prelim exam, when a 30's age doc comes in. As he walks by me he slaps me on the back and says "First time eh". I was surprised but I said yes, how did you know?.

He proceeds to pull back foreskin and show me where I had a blood vessel attached right at seam between foreskin and shaft. He said that it never hurt when showering, but once I got "vigorous" with it, it tore.

He told how he was gonna make a small incision & tuck vessel inside out of way.

When wife & I were driving away from clinic she says "hmmp, I guess you weren't lying". I said "About what?". Wife - "About being a virgin." Me - "I would never lie about something like that" wife - "guys usually lie about stuff like that" me - "I'm not like other guys"

I never really thought too much about conversation as I was too busy driving and worrying about this doc that within a week was gonna be cutting on me in a sensitive area.

Over the years I would ask God "Why did that happen to me?.

Recently with the divorce proceedings, I was having prayer time, and I was doing some reflecting and I asked God again, "What was that all about?" The the answer came "It wasn't about you, I used that incident to show your wife that you were a genuine person."

STBXW was out packing her things today, I stayed out of house. When she left, she told our son if there was anything on a pile he wanted, he could take it, otherwise she was throwing stuff out.

On pile was our wedding picture and her wedding bouquet. I picked them both up and set them aside.
My son looked at me and asked why i was keeping them.

I said I was keeping picture for 2 reasons, 1, I remember feeling like I was the happiest, luckiest man that day. 2. as a reminder to enjoy the good days, but not let being so happy blind me from potential red flags.

He asked why I was keeping flowers. I explained that they were silk flowers that I had picked out. My bride to be had a sister that had a medical emergency arise in another state right when wedding was being planned. My wife was out of town for 2-3 weeks. While she was out of town, I made decisions on flowers, renting venue, etc. I went with silk flowers, which have been in a shadowbox on wall for years.

I've been doing some thinking about our marriage, and seeing those flowers reminded me of past events and I realized - I stepped up, even before our marriage, I stepped up and did what was best for us.

Her walking away from us is on her. I ain't perfect, but I am able to say that I did my best.

And furthermore, I believe God will take this bad time and turn it to good in the future.


Last edited by FrazzledSadHusband; 10-06-2019 at 12:41 AM.
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post #2 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-22-2020, 02:04 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Frazzleds Musi 2ngs Part

Well, it's official. Divorce decree signed. I am working on getting my farmstead that all my kids got their first deer on ready for sale. Sad that my marriage ended, yet glad to not be tied to wife anymore. She has said/done things lately that leave me shaking my head wondering WTF?

She left while our youngest is finishing their senior year. Youngest has been living with me. Kind of a pattern. She didn't really think about a lot of things, she always assumed I would take care of or fix things.
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post #3 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-22-2020, 02:46 AM
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Re: Frazzleds Musi 2ngs Part

Bittersweet memories. Thinking of y'all.
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post #4 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-22-2020, 03:58 AM
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Re: Frazzleds Musi 2ngs Part

Just read the OP. It actually inspired me if you can believe it.
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post #5 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-22-2020, 08:26 AM
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Re: Frazzleds Musi 2ngs Part

I'm sorry for the end of your marriage and the life you thought you'd have, but also happy that you are entering a new and hopefully exciting chapter.

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.
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post #6 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-22-2020, 08:55 AM
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Re: Frazzleds Musi 2ngs Part

I'm sorry it has come to this for you.

See your last child off properly.

Then...

Make it all about SFH. Do all those things you said you would like to do but never did while with STBX.

Live, brother.

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"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
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post #7 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-22-2020, 09:29 AM
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It's sad to read about your divorce but I completely understand where you are coming from.

I read something the other day posted by someone else that has helped me go a little further down my path. It's said (paraphrase) "I have loved and been loved in my life. Be grateful for the good times, the joy you once shared with your ex, and the lives you brought into this world and raised to adulthood. Many do not ever experience that once on their lives".

I second @farsidejunky, make the best of the life you have left to live.
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post #8 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-22-2020, 12:00 PM
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Cool Re: Frazzleds Musi 2ngs Part

Quote:
Originally Posted by FrazzledSadHusband View Post
God showed me something the other day.

Short recap for newer readers - I was a virgin when I got married, wife said same. Turns out later she lied about many things. (finding out even more as we go thru divorce).

Anyways, back to the night my wife & I first had intercourse. May be a bit TMI for some people.

I am uncircumcised. I always pulled back skin & cleaned. Never had any discomfort.
Shortly after I entered wife & we started in earnest, I felt a sharp pain & when I pulled out, blood everywhere.
At first I thought it was from my wife, but quickly realized it was me. I scheduled a appointment with a urologist & my wife insisted on coming along.

I'm sitting in exam room with wife after a nurse had done a prelim exam, when a 30's age doc comes in. As he walks by me he slaps me on the back and says "First time eh". I was surprised but I said yes, how did you know?.

He proceeds to pull back foreskin and show me where I had a blood vessel attached right at seam between foreskin and shaft. He said that it never hurt when showering, but once I got "vigorous" with it, it tore.

He told how he was gonna make a small incision & tuck vessel inside out of way.

When wife & I were driving away from clinic she says "hmmp, I guess you weren't lying". I said "About what?". Wife - "About being a virgin." Me - "I would never lie about something like that" wife - "guys usually lie about stuff like that" me - "I'm not like other guys"

I never really thought too much about conversation as I was too busy driving and worrying about this doc that within a week was gonna be cutting on me in a sensitive area.

Over the years I would ask God "Why did that happen to me?.

Recently with the divorce proceedings, I was having prayer time, and I was doing some reflecting and I asked God again, "What was that all about?" The the answer came "It wasn't about you, I used that incident to show your wife that you were a genuine person."

STBXW was out packing her things today, I stayed out of house. When she left, she told our son if there was anything on a pile he wanted, he could take it, otherwise she was throwing stuff out.

On pile was our wedding picture and her wedding bouquet. I picked them both up and set them aside.
My son looked at me and asked why i was keeping them.

I said I was keeping picture for 2 reasons, 1, I remember feeling like I was the happiest, luckiest man that day. 2. as a reminder to enjoy the good days, but not let being so happy blind me from potential red flags.

He asked why I was keeping flowers. I explained that they were silk flowers that I had picked out. My bride to be had a sister that had a medical emergency arise in another state right when wedding was being planned. My wife was out of town for 2-3 weeks. While she was out of town, I made decisions on flowers, renting venue, etc. I went with silk flowers, which have been in a shadowbox on wall for years.

I've been doing some thinking about our marriage, and seeing those flowers reminded me of past events and I realized - I stepped up, even before our marriage, I stepped up and did what was best for us.

Her walking away from us is on her. I ain't perfect, but I am able to say that I did my best.

And furthermore, I believe God will take this bad time and turn it to good in the future.
You'd better bet your sweet a$$, friend!

And you'll be the better, spiritually-enriched, and thoroughly blessed man for it!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

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post #9 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-22-2020, 11:01 PM
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Re: Frazzleds Musi 2ngs Part

Sorry I missed your original post.

I remember making lots of lists when my divorce was final and I was about to rebuild my life. Some things were serious and some things were silly. Some things I did immediately and some things I still have to do. But I remember the feeling I had that day that it was finally *my* life and all things were possible. It’s been years now but that thought hasn’t changed.

You’re no longer a frazzled, sad husband. That guy’s done. In your new life you’re who *you* want to be. Never forget it.
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post #10 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-23-2020, 11:17 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Frazzleds Musi 2ngs Part

Quote:
Originally Posted by Openminded View Post
Sorry I missed your original post.

I remember making lots of lists when my divorce was final and I was about to rebuild my life. Some things were serious and some things were silly. Some things I did immediately and some things I still have to do. But I remember the feeling I had that day that it was finally *my* life and all things were possible. It’s been years now but that thought hasn’t changed.

You’re no longer a frazzled, sad husband. That guy’s done. In your new life you’re who *you* want to be. Never forget it.
I really needed to read the bolded. Job's been kicking my ass lately. I've been in IT for 30+ years, but trying to learn C# on the fly is taxing me, much less while navigating a divorce.

thanks to everyone for their support.

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post #11 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-24-2020, 11:31 AM
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Re: Frazzleds Musi 2ngs Part

Frazzled, things will get much better! One way or another, they will.

The first year after divorce is a transition. Financially there are temporary challenges. Emotionally you will have various triggers with ups and downs. You'll have to learn to live alone and be happy by yourself. For me it meant moving out to a new place, which definitely didn't feel like "home" for a while. I'd lived in the old house for decades, so yes there is an adjustment period.

Just be aware it is normal and it is ok.

Then you'll go through the phase of meeting women with an idea of dating. All the usual advice is good advice. Go slowly, be honest about your goals and boundaries. Strike up conversations with lots of people everywhere, like the line at the coffee shop or while riding the bus. Get used to just chatting about nothing. Internet dating is, um, interesting. Lots of weirdos on there! The pay sites are better quality people, but also people looking for more permanent relationships.

After a couple of years you will suddenly realize you are yourself again, with your own lifestyle based on your own values and goals. Enjoy your new life post-divorce, and you will attract the right kind of people into your circle.

I know your values around marriage/relationships are quite similar to mine. There are many women out there in the dating pool who don't share them, but there are some who do. You will meet a good one eventually, so don't stress about it. Your age will not be a detractor! I was shocked that in my late 50's there are plenty of high quality women interested in meeting me.

For now, just keep moving forward with the confidence it will all work out ok. You are just experiencing some bumps in the road, but nothing fatal and nothing which will make you homeless. Every hard day you have is actually a step towards your much better life. Don't think of it as a bad day, think of it as a necessary hard thing which you now can put behind you.
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post #12 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-24-2020, 12:25 PM
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Re: Frazzleds Musi 2ngs Part

You are so right when you say that God will use what you have been though for good, and He LOVES to give us fresh starts and new beginnings. He has certainly done that for myself and my husband. He has restored all we have lost and more.

I just don't get why people lie to their spouse about things that are so important like previous sexual partners.
As you say, don't ignore any red flags next time. When I had had 4 years to get over the trauma of my sudden marriage break up, I actually wrote down a list of what was important to me in a husband and prayed about it. My present husband is all I asked for and more.
God did say to me during that time, 'don't settle for second best'. I think that was largely referring to the fact that finding a decent available Christian guy when you are in your mid to late 40's is almost impossible in the UK, and the temptation is for women to settle for a man who doesn't share their faith.
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post #13 of 13 (permalink) Old 01-24-2020, 12:39 PM
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Re: Frazzleds Musi 2ngs Part

Quote:
Recently with the divorce proceedings, I was having prayer time, and I was doing some reflecting and I asked God again, "What was that all about?" The the answer came "It wasn't about you, I used that incident to show your wife that you were a genuine person."
A lot of things can be taken away from you except your education and good name.

Sorry your marriage ended as it did.

“You're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.”
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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