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post #16 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-15-2019, 05:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Seperated and Unsure of Where Things Are Headed

Well, I took him seriously enough when he asked for a divorce that I went out and bought a house. The entire reason legal separation was ever brought up was because it was suggested by my lender. Their advice was not to file divorce while trying to get a mortgage. This was the reason my husband originally agreed to legal separation, but my loan ended up closing before we filed. I later asked my husband why we weren't just going straight for the divorce (once we had no reason to do legal separation) and he said it was because he thought that's what I wanted. I was very surprised the other day when he suggested we not get divorced but stay legally separated.

I didn't really touch on this in my original post, but our initial divorce conversation was very bizarre. My husband was talking about his emotions and feelings not being real--that they were all just chemicals in the brain. Which...I guess he is right...but he was talking about it in a way that implied that didn't believe what he felt was real. Then it got weird. He told me that when I changed my name back to my maiden name, I would be "safe". He said he had a "battle" to fight and that we would be "attacked". I told him I wasn't planning to change my name back, and he got angry. Then he said he never considered that I wouldn't change my name and that he would change his name instead. It was a week or so after this that he called the veteran's crisis line. He had one therapy appointment through the VA, but that therapist immediately referred him to a specialist and wont see him again.

My husband hasn't said anything particularly strange since then, but his text messages have been very out of character. I thought I was just imagining things, but my dad called me the other day to tell me that my husband had been sending him odd text messages. (My husband still keeps in contact with my dad.) These messages initially started with my husband using phrases that he's never used before and have evolved to him making statements contrary to what we thought were his deeply held core beliefs.

On top of all that, right after I moved out, my husband turned off the heat and hot water to the house and started using the fireplace as his only source of heat. Then he replaced the hot water tank with a tankless water heater but messed with all the plumbing so only the shower has hot water. Everything else only has cold water, including the sinks. He also keeps all the lights off. He says he's doing this to save money on the electric bill, but his brother told me that my husband was turning off the lights at his house too, and that he had to tell him to stop. The only positive is that he seems to be doing a good job caring for the kids.

As part of our separation agreement, we divided up a large investment, but my husband is rapidly spending his portion. He's probably spent $30k on vanity items in the last eight weeks, but he is still being very frugal in other areas of his life.

The downhill spiral of our marriage actually started in August 2016, right after our youngest was born. That week, my husband got into a car wreck that triggered his PTSD. The following week, his old NCO came and emotionally vomited all the bad stuff he did in Iraq onto my husband. My husband was not the same after this guy's visit--he says he feels culpable for the stuff his NCO did. I believe the cheating happened either during or right after this guy's visit--I knew at the time something was wrong, but I thought it he was just weighed down by the stuff the NCO told him.

Anyways...I guess the main reason I'm so hesitant to just divorce him is because I think there's something not right with him.

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post #17 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-15-2019, 06:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Seperated and Unsure of Where Things Are Headed

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Again... he is taking care of his meal ticket. He figures if he takes care of things, then you wont cut off his cash flow. Think about this... he already had a session of tattoo removal done to get rid of his inked wedding ring, and getting rid of it was his primary concern when it came to separating. I find that VERY telling as to what it is that he wants and how he is feeling about you and the marriage.

Maybe you should believe how he is telling you he feels. Do you want to be with someone who doesnt want you? Pretty sure you deserve way better than that...
He doesn't need my money--he's made far more money investing than I've ever brought home. We have a house paid off because of the money he's made. His problem is "earned income". Since all his money is coming from capital gains (which are not guaranteed) he has a hard time getting a loan or housing. He gets disability money from the VA and has someone renting the garage. He probably qualifies for 100% disability, but it's a process to get it. He also has heath insurance through the VA.

He may want to stay married to pay less capital gains, but the last time we discussed it, he said he'd file taxes separate. The only other benefit I can think of is that I can use FMLA protections to watch the kids for his VA appointments--he asked me to use this already, and I told him I can't if we get divorced. His response to that was that my parents can watch the kids or he can use a service through the VA.

As for the ring, when I brought that up, he said that I'm not wearing mine. He says he's not interested in dating--not even casually. He says he could never be with someone if he can't have kids with them, and it's a deal-breaker if they have kids already. He's had a vasectomy--he said if he hadn't, he'd absolutely be out looking for a new wife. He says he doesn't want to go through the trouble of falling in love with someone, getting his vasectomy reversed, and then have it not be successful. He says that would destroy him. I personally think he's being a bit ridiculous, but whatever.
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post #18 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-15-2019, 06:32 PM
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Re: Seperated and Unsure of Where Things Are Headed

I don't think you should not have the kids with him. At all you are taking a chance. I must say.

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If you think the grass is greener on the otherside it's not, what you see are the weeds.
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post #19 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-15-2019, 08:31 PM
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Re: Seperated and Unsure of Where Things Are Headed

Wow something is seriously wrong with him. He needs help. And your kids should not be staying in a house with no heat or hot water! Itís like their welfare is not on his radar at all. What he is doing is very disturbing. Have you looked into possibly having him institutionalized for a while? Is he on medication? I am glad to read a bit more detail about the financials, that part isnít as dire as it initially sounded.

When I brought up the thing about his wedding ring, I wasnít really thinking about him wanting to cheat or start dating. My thought was that it signified his deep desire to cut ties and get away from you.

All of this is very bizarre. I canít help feeling like you need to give him his divorce so he can go do whatever it is he thinks he needs to, and make other arrangements for your kids. (How old are they? I think I missed..) Iím sorry you are dealing with this.




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post #20 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-18-2019, 08:58 AM
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Re: Seperated and Unsure of Where Things Are Headed

@Onarollercoaster, when a cheater confesses, they usually minimise their cheating.

We only held hands = we kissed
We only kissed = we had some sexual contact
We only had sex once, with a condom = we had sex multiple times and never wore protection.

I think you need to file for divorce to protect you and your children.


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post #21 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-18-2019, 11:36 AM
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Re: Seperated and Unsure of Where Things Are Headed

Sorry to say this again but
what do you want to do ?
It sounds like your trying to
handle to much already.

You are really on a roller coaster.
The kids, him, and everything else.
Sorry but you can't fix him. The VA
has counselors for him and you also.
He sounds like he really needs help
with PTSD and many other things.

You will not be sure of anything until
he gets some help. I would suggest you
contact a counselor ASAP. Private or
through the VA. I don't want to upset
you but sometimes these things spiral
downward quickly. The visit from his
old NCO and what happened after ?
Right now the kids have no heat or water.

Taking care of yourself first. You need to see a
counselor for yourself. Stop trying to do it all.
Then kids welfare and getting him some needed
help.

You first then everything else.

Never place anyone on a pedestal it hurts more when they fall off
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post #22 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-18-2019, 05:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Seperated and Unsure of Where Things Are Headed

Just to clarify, there is heat and hot water at my husband's house, he just has it setup weird. The hot water only works in the shower because he modified the plumbing to be that way. The kids can still take a warm bath or shower. There's no hot water at the sinks or any of the appliances.

And the heat comes from the fireplace--it doesn't work as good as a wood stove, but the fireplace he has was designed to heat the house. As long as he has a fire going, the house has heat.
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post #23 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-18-2019, 05:58 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Seperated and Unsure of Where Things Are Headed

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Originally Posted by 3Xnocharm View Post
Wow something is seriously wrong with him. He needs help. And your kids should not be staying in a house with no heat or hot water! Itís like their welfare is not on his radar at all. What he is doing is very disturbing. Have you looked into possibly having him institutionalized for a while? Is he on medication? I am glad to read a bit more detail about the financials, that part isnít as dire as it initially sounded.

When I brought up the thing about his wedding ring, I wasnít really thinking about him wanting to cheat or start dating. My thought was that it signified his deep desire to cut ties and get away from you.

All of this is very bizarre. I canít help feeling like you need to give him his divorce so he can go do whatever it is he thinks he needs to, and make other arrangements for your kids. (How old are they? I think I missed..) Iím sorry you are dealing with this.
The kids are 6, 4, and 3. They have heat and hot water at their dad's house--it's just limited. I wasn't expecting my husband to do all this stuff when I left. He's always been a big spender, so I'm surprised he's so frugal with the utilities. The kids have complained about it being dark in the house more than anything else.

I don't really know what to make of his ring tattoo. He never told me he was getting it in the first place. I came home from work one day and he'd done it. When I asked why he wanted to get it removed, his only response was that I wasn't wearing my ring.

Things were fairly normal up until we talked about divorcing. When he was talking crazy, he implied that I was making him crazy. I don't believe this at all, but I felt like removing myself from the situation would be best. I think he's blaming me for whatever is wrong with him. I left the kids there because he's always been the primary caretaker, he wanted to keep them, and I didn't really have a good place for them at first. I'm the custodial parent, but the kids aren't quite moved in with me yet.
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post #24 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-18-2019, 06:17 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Seperated and Unsure of Where Things Are Headed

Quote:
Originally Posted by sa58 View Post
Sorry to say this again but
what do you want to do ?
It sounds like your trying to
handle to much already.

You are really on a roller coaster.
The kids, him, and everything else.
Sorry but you can't fix him. The VA
has counselors for him and you also.
He sounds like he really needs help
with PTSD and many other things.

You will not be sure of anything until
he gets some help. I would suggest you
contact a counselor ASAP. Private or
through the VA. I don't want to upset
you but sometimes these things spiral
downward quickly. The visit from his
old NCO and what happened after ?
Right now the kids have no heat or water.

Taking care of yourself first. You need to see a
counselor for yourself. Stop trying to do it all.
Then kids welfare and getting him some needed
help.

You first then everything else.
We've both already seen counselors. He's seen one through he VA, and I've been seeing one through an employer-sponsored program. His counselor (that the VA sent him to) would not see him for a second visit--he was told he needed treatment beyond the scope of his or her expertise. He was given a referral and hasn't heard anything back. It took him six weeks to get the initial appointment, so I'd expect about the same for the referral.

I'm hoping that treatment will help him. This is a person I care deeply about and I feel like I should not be so quick to divorce him when he's clearly got something wrong with him. He's very serious about getting help, so I take that as a positive sign. I'm not going to hold out forever, but I'd like to at least give him the opportunity to get better before making a final decision. I mean, I know it's not entirely up to me, but he has given some indication that he isn't 100% certain divorce is what he wants.
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post #25 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-19-2019, 07:55 AM
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Re: Seperated and Unsure of Where Things Are Headed

Quote:
Originally Posted by Onarollercoaster View Post
We've both already seen counselors. He's seen one through he VA, and I've been seeing one through an employer-sponsored program. His counselor (that the VA sent him to) would not see him for a second visit--he was told he needed treatment beyond the scope of his or her expertise. He was given a referral and hasn't heard anything back. It took him six weeks to get the initial appointment, so I'd expect about the same for the referral.

I'm hoping that treatment will help him. This is a person I care deeply about and I feel like I should not be so quick to divorce him when he's clearly got something wrong with him. He's very serious about getting help, so I take that as a positive sign. I'm not going to hold out forever, but I'd like to at least give him the opportunity to get better before making a final decision. I mean, I know it's not entirely up to me, but he has given some indication that he isn't 100% certain divorce is what he wants.
Glad to hear you are seeing a counselor, keep seeing them if
you need to. Even if it is just to vent and a support network.
You have a lot to deal with and as I said you can't do it all.

The VA has and always will move very slow.
So much for Gov.healthcare. Glad to hear he is
serious about getting help also. First step in the
right direction is realizing there is a problem. Is he
currently on any medication ? Watch which ones he
may be on. That could be part of the problem. Have
you checked for any support groups near by ? For you
and him both. Lots of Vets and their spouses in similar
situations.

Have you moved back home or thought about it ?
Talk with your counselor first and consider if you
can deal with the current situation. Just like you
he has a lot of things going on. He really needs
help dealing with them. The problem is getting the
right help. I don't have much faith in the VA system
however. I know a lot of Vets that don't either.

Please take care of yourself and I hope both of
you together can and do work through this.
Only you can decide when to give up and move on
however.

Take care


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post #26 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-19-2019, 08:14 AM
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Cool Re: Seperated and Unsure of Where Things Are Headed

@Onarollercoaster ~ Unload him like the bad habit he is! He's still cheating and apparently wants to be validated for it!

Lawyer up, hire a good family attorney, to stringently protect your children's interests as well as your share of the community finances!

Best of luck to you, M'dear!

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post #27 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-19-2019, 08:25 AM
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Re: Seperated and Unsure of Where Things Are Headed

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Originally Posted by Onarollercoaster View Post
We've both already seen counselors. He's seen one through he VA, and I've been seeing one through an employer-sponsored program. His counselor (that the VA sent him to) would not see him for a second visit--he was told he needed treatment beyond the scope of his or her expertise. He was given a referral and hasn't heard anything back. It took him six weeks to get the initial appointment, so I'd expect about the same for the referral.

I'm hoping that treatment will help him. This is a person I care deeply about and I feel like I should not be so quick to divorce him when he's clearly got something wrong with him. He's very serious about getting help, so I take that as a positive sign. I'm not going to hold out forever, but I'd like to at least give him the opportunity to get better before making a final decision. I mean, I know it's not entirely up to me, but he has given some indication that he isn't 100% certain divorce is what he wants.
And yet you have your children with him because it's convenient for you. What a crock you both really do need help I must say. You should get the kids and find a way to make it work.

If your not the object of your lovers heart, then your just an object.
If you think the grass is greener on the otherside it's not, what you see are the weeds.
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post #28 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-19-2019, 03:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Seperated and Unsure of Where Things Are Headed

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And yet you have your children with him because it's convenient for you. What a crock you both really do need help I must say. You should get the kids and find a way to make it work.
The kids have ALWAYS been with him. He's been a stay-home dad since the oldest was a baby. Leaving the kids with him was not easy--I cried my eyes out over this. However, doing things this way actually allowed us to minimize the impact the separation has had on the kids.

If I took the kids with me, it would have been a dramatic change to their lives. In addition to changing routines and changing houses, my two older kids would have needed to change schools.

I could have stayed at the house, but that would leave my husband with a lengthy commute, and also limited time with the oldest child, who is in school all day.

Him having the kids full time was only ever a temporary arrangement. Despite that, I have seen my kids almost every day after work, just like I normally would have if I were still living at home. I'm usually there up until after their bedtime stories. I am the custodial parent in our parenting plan, and they will soon live with me full time. Their dad will continue to care for them while I'm at work, but will be doing a lot of this care at my house.
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post #29 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-19-2019, 04:18 PM
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Re: Seperated and Unsure of Where Things Are Headed

Quote:
His counselor (that the VA sent him to) would not see him for a second visit--he was told he needed treatment beyond the scope of his or her expertise. End quote.

I am referring to this it only take seconds for a tragedy. And if outside the realm of the VA phycologist. And with you ongoing divorce and him with his PTSD, puts him at risk does it not. What of his triggers, regardless that he has always cared for the kids.

How many people get hurt or worse by someone they know and the last thing said l would have never thought he/she was capable. It's all l am referring to. But if you think it's ok with you, then let it be. I am just bringing this up in case you are not thinking straight because of your marriage issues of legal separation/divorce.

Tilted

If your not the object of your lovers heart, then your just an object.
If you think the grass is greener on the otherside it's not, what you see are the weeds.
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post #30 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-19-2019, 04:33 PM
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Re: Seperated and Unsure of Where Things Are Headed

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Their dad will continue to care for them while I'm at work, but will be doing a lot of this care at my house.
Um... He is going to be coming to YOUR house to watch the kids after you divorce? Am I reading that right? While I get where you are coming from with your current arrangement, no ex wife in her right mind would have her ex husband spending every day in her new home! Especially one who is mentally unstable on top of being the ex...

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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