Seperated and Unsure of Where Things Are Headed - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-19-2019, 05:37 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Seperated and Unsure of Where Things Are Headed

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Originally Posted by sa58 View Post
Glad to hear you are seeing a counselor, keep seeing them if
you need to. Even if it is just to vent and a support network.
You have a lot to deal with and as I said you can't do it all.

The VA has and always will move very slow.
So much for Gov.healthcare. Glad to hear he is
serious about getting help also. First step in the
right direction is realizing there is a problem. Is he
currently on any medication ? Watch which ones he
may be on. That could be part of the problem. Have
you checked for any support groups near by ? For you
and him both. Lots of Vets and their spouses in similar
situations.

Have you moved back home or thought about it ?
Talk with your counselor first and consider if you
can deal with the current situation. Just like you
he has a lot of things going on. He really needs
help dealing with them. The problem is getting the
right help. I don't have much faith in the VA system
however. I know a lot of Vets that don't either.

Please take care of yourself and I hope both of
you together can and do work through this.
Only you can decide when to give up and move on
however.

Take care
I actually think i have to wait for a new counselor--the one I've been seeing is transferring! She said her replacements were hired (I guess they hired two) but she didn't know when they would be able to start seeing people.

My husband is not on any medication at the moment. I'm not sure if he'd take any. He said he would in the past, but recently he's been saying he wouldn't. He got verification from his therapist that the referral was sent in, but it was only after he sent the guy an angry text message. He also expressed some confusion as to why the therapist the VA sent him to wouldn't see him again. I didn't know what to say, other than to encourage him to follow-up. The VA has been super slow...

I never wanted to move out in the first place, but I don't think he'd let me move back--at least not right now. I asked one time previously, and he said no. When I first moved, I was renting a room, but I ended up buying a house. I didn't want to gamble on reconciling, and I knew that if I didn't buy now, I might be priced out of the market in a year. (The local real estate market is super hot.)

I'm still open to reconciling, but I'm not going to wait around forever. Knowing my husband, I feel like he would have filed for divorce already if he was sure that's what he wanted. Obviously, our legal separation agreement can be converted to divorce, but it doesn't sound like he wants to do that anymore. I've been meaning to follow up with him about that, but I haven't had a good opportunity yet.

My current focus is working on myself...I really don't believe any of his reasoning for getting divorced and agree with his assessment that the problem is mostly him. He previously indicated that he believed that I was making his PTSD symptoms worse...I don't believe this either, but I think giving him space will be the best way to let him figure it out.

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post #32 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-19-2019, 06:05 PM
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Re: Seperated and Unsure of Where Things Are Headed

So are you going to sit back and stay plan B while your hb both looks around to see if he can do better and lets you support him while he does?

Because from where I sit this is what it looks like.

Why is this his decision?

Aren't you worth more than that?
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post #33 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-19-2019, 06:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Seperated and Unsure of Where Things Are Headed

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Um... He is going to be coming to YOUR house to watch the kids after you divorce? Am I reading that right? While I get where you are coming from with your current arrangement, no ex wife in her right mind would have her ex husband spending every day in her new home! Especially one who is mentally unstable on top of being the ex...
I go to work at 4am... Neither of us want to get the kids up that early. The plan is for him to come to my house before I leave, and he will take them to school from there, and then head off to his house for the rest of the day. (I'm less that five miles from him, but in a different school district.)

Besides that... I don't even know if we're getting divorced--it seemed like it was off the table the last time we talked about it. I am NOT going to stay in limbo forever, but I'll hang on for a bit. I've already done my lawyer shopping, but am satisfied with the existing separation agreement.

I know he has issues, but I don't think he's a danger to anyone. I am still keeping things documented, but my intention with the documentation has always been to help him with the VA. I'm hoping that with space and treatment, he will get better--he acknowledges he has a problem, and he wants to get help. If he wasn't trying to get help, I would 100% have filed divorce already.
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post #34 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-19-2019, 09:24 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Seperated and Unsure of Where Things Are Headed

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So are you going to sit back and stay plan B while your hb both looks around to see if he can do better and lets you support him while he does?

Because from where I sit this is what it looks like.

Why is this his decision?

Aren't you worth more than that?
Iím not supporting him at all. Heís paying all the bills at his house. His earned income is low, but he has other money available to him.

I donít think heís interested in dating at all. Heís got a weird mental block about itóhe thinks nobody will want him because he had a vasectomy, and he doesnít want to be with someone he canít see himself having kids with. Given that heís already been snipped, he feels like thereís no point to dating. He said he considered a reversal, but didnít like the odds of success. He doesnít want to fall for someone and not be able to have kids with them. He said it would destroy him. He got the vasectomy after the cheating happened, so I think heís being pretty genuine. He doesnít even have a proper phone right now (by choice) so him getting into a new relationship is not very likely.
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post #35 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-20-2019, 08:39 AM
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Re: Seperated and Unsure of Where Things Are Headed

The VA system is going to be super duper slow.
Sometimes vets wait a long time to see a specialist
and then just get medicated. That is why I asked about
meds. Don't have a lot of faith in that system, some are
good some lousy.

His problem maybe something that can only be managed
( hopefully ) not solved. That is why I suggested checking
into support groups. Being around other vets who have gone
through similar things may help him. Maybe help you also. Don't
forget the kids are in this also and it may or eventually will affect
them.

Divorce maybe something you eventually have to do.
He may or may not want to, you to. Given this situation
both of you may not really know what to do. How divorce
may or may not affect him ? Just don't keep to much faith
in the VA system. You will probably have to look else where
for help. Private counselors, for both of you.

As I said earlier he realizes there is a problem and is trying
to get help. I hope he finds it soon. You realize you can't
wait forever , working on yourself also.

Never place anyone on a pedestal it hurts more when they fall off
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post #36 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-20-2019, 02:06 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Seperated and Unsure of Where Things Are Headed

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Originally Posted by sa58 View Post
The VA system is going to be super duper slow.
Sometimes vets wait a long time to see a specialist
and then just get medicated. That is why I asked about
meds. Don't have a lot of faith in that system, some are
good some lousy.

His problem maybe something that can only be managed
( hopefully ) not solved. That is why I suggested checking
into support groups. Being around other vets who have gone
through similar things may help him. Maybe help you also. Don't
forget the kids are in this also and it may or eventually will affect
them.

Divorce maybe something you eventually have to do.
He may or may not want to, you to. Given this situation
both of you may not really know what to do. How divorce
may or may not affect him ? Just don't keep to much faith
in the VA system. You will probably have to look else where
for help. Private counselors, for both of you.

As I said earlier he realizes there is a problem and is trying
to get help. I hope he finds it soon. You realize you can't
wait forever , working on yourself also.
I guess he called the VA yesterday to see what was taking so long with his referral. They gave him the runaround, and he called some other number, and was told he was going to have to start the entire process over again. He was very emotional about it. I was going to go to his house after work to pick up more of my stuff, and he called to say that he too spun up from dealing with the VA and that he wanted me to know that he didn't hate me and not take it personal, but that he did not want me to come over. I told him I understood, and he texted a "thank you" after we hung up.

I think this is a discouraging turn of events, but at least he's still determined to follow up. He can use my private insurance to see someone, but he hates the idea of pouring his heart out to multiple therapists. He wants to just stick to the VA for now. I'm doing what I can to encourage him, and I'm happy that he still feels like he can confide in me.
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post #37 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-26-2019, 11:06 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Seperated and Unsure of Where Things Are Headed

I finally asked my husband if we were planning to keep our legal separation agreement or convert it to a divorce, and he said he wants to stay legally separated. I didnít ask him why, as I didnít want to put him on the spot. He wanted a divorce on day one, and we talked about staying married for the benefits at that time. He didnít think it was worth it because he already has his own insurance and feels as though he will never run out of money. That pretty much eliminates the logical reasons for staying married.

Ever since he admitted to cheating, my husband has been opening up to me more and more. These are in-person conversations, and I just try to listen and validate. He usually talks about what heís been up to, his plans, and his struggles with his PTSD. Thereís still zero intimacy, and heís still making progress to get his ring tattoo removed, but I feel like weíve gotten closer, if that makes sense.

Personally, I think the reality of the situation is starting to creep up on my husband. Heís struggling to keep up with housework, and the effects of having two households are starting to impact the kids, despite how amicable we are. Our oldest says he is ďsickĒ every time one parent has to go home, and my husband feels extreme guilt about thisóhe says itís all his fault.

I obviously donít want to guilt my husband back into a relationship, but I definitely feel like heís not as sure as he was in the beginning.
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post #38 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-26-2019, 11:18 AM
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Re: Seperated and Unsure of Where Things Are Headed

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Originally Posted by Onarollercoaster View Post

Personally, I think the reality of the situation is starting to creep up on my husband. Heís struggling to keep up with housework,
and the effects of having two households are starting to impact the kids, despite how amicable we are. Our oldest says he is ďsickĒ every time one parent has to go home, and my husband feels extreme guilt about thisóhe says itís all his fault.
So you would be cool with him wanting to stay married because life is too difficult being an adult having to take care of himself...? Personally I would NOT be okay with that, he isnt a child, he is a grown ass man. Also it IS all his fault, he should take ownership of his actions and their consequences.

Also if you stay separated, then the kids STILL have two households, although it sounds like you guys cross over in the same house a lot, and I think that is even more chaotic and confusing for them.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #39 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-26-2019, 12:33 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Seperated and Unsure of Where Things Are Headed

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So you would be cool with him wanting to stay married because life is too difficult being an adult having to take care of himself...? Personally I would NOT be okay with that, he isnt a child, he is a grown ass man. Also it IS all his fault, he should take ownership of his actions and their consequences.

Also if you stay separated, then the kids STILL have two households, although it sounds like you guys cross over in the same house a lot, and I think that is even more chaotic and confusing for them.
Heís not being lazy, if thatís what youíre implying. He lives on acreage and is struggling to balance household chores, like dishes and laundry, with all the stuff he needs to get done outside. For example, he just had a 100ft tree cut down, because it was in danger of falling on the house. Now heís trying to get all the wood chopped up and the mess taken care of. On top of that, he rented a dumpster to demolish an old outbuilding, and heís trying to get the garage renovated. This is the kind of stuff he loves to do, but now he has nobody keeping up on the housework. He was initially keeping up with it, but that only lasted a week or two.

I am not interested in staying separated indefinitely. I just donít want to rush into a divorce when we both know he has an untreated mental health issue. He admitted this is the main thing causing problems for our marriage, and heís serious about getting treatment. One of the symptoms of PTSD is a desire to isolate, and I think our separation is more about him wanting to isolate than anything else. He already told me he would have ghosted if we didnít have kids, but I think heís moved past those feelings.

Iím not sure if thereís any way we can work our custody agreement to make it less stressful than it already is. The kids go straight from school to one house or another. We have a 50/50 arrangement, but I still work and live in another school district. Their dad has to take them to school, even on my parenting days.
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post #40 of 42 (permalink) Old 12-04-2019, 05:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Seperated and Unsure of Where Things Are Headed

I guess I am officially in marital limbo. We were going full speed ahead on getting all our paperwork done and filed, but my husband has been sitting on the last couple of forms for over a month. When I ask about them, he usually tells me he's been busy and will get to them. This is a complete 180 from his attitude at the beginning of our separation--he wanted to file ASAP. At some point, we changed the divorce to a legal separation, but the legal separation agreement is convertible to a divorce, and we remain married while it's in effect. Even if he's having doubts, I see no logical reason to not sign these papers.

Coincidentally, I noticed that I sent him these forms the day before his first therapy appointment. Within a day of that appointment, I got the impression that he said something to the therapist about our marriage, but my initial evidence was weak and boiled down to out of character text messages my husband was sending. (He wanted to know about my emotional well-being, and how I was coping with the separation.) It wasn't until weeks after therapy that I noticed he also stopped pushing for us to get anything filed.

Now I'm kind of at an impasse as to what to do. We did all the paperwork without a lawyer, and the agreement is pretty good for both parties. I'd hate to pay a lawyer just to force him to finish it, but I like the idea of being protected legally/financially, especially if things go south later.

As far as our relationship goes, things are still very platonic, but I sense longing from him. I've been doing good by not reacting to him and working on myself. I want to be patient with the situation and see where it goes, but I'm just not sure what I should do about the legal stuff.

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post #41 of 42 (permalink) Old 12-05-2019, 02:23 PM
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Re: Seperated and Unsure of Where Things Are Headed

Well, you stated this:

"Now I'm kind of at an impasse as to what to do. We did all the paperwork without a lawyer, and the agreement is pretty good for both parties. I'd hate to pay a lawyer just to force him to finish it, but I like the idea of being protected legally/financially, especially if things go south later."

And I think your train of thought is the smart way to go. Its ALWAYS a good idea to protect yourself. Especially when you are dealing with another person's instability. I know spending money kinda sucks, but it seems to be the smart move here.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #42 of 42 (permalink) Old 12-05-2019, 02:31 PM
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Re: Seperated and Unsure of Where Things Are Headed

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I guess I am officially in marital limbo. We were going full speed ahead on getting all our paperwork done and filed, but my husband has been sitting on the last couple of forms for over a month. When I ask about them, he usually tells me he's been busy and will get to them. This is a complete 180 from his attitude at the beginning of our separation--he wanted to file ASAP. At some point, we changed the divorce to a legal separation, but the legal separation agreement is convertible to a divorce, and we remain married while it's in effect. Even if he's having doubts, I see no logical reason to not sign these papers.

Coincidentally, I noticed that I sent him these forms the day before his first therapy appointment. Within a day of that appointment, I got the impression that he said something to the therapist about our marriage, but my initial evidence was weak and boiled down to out of character text messages my husband was sending. (He wanted to know about my emotional well-being, and how I was coping with the separation.) It wasn't until weeks after therapy that I noticed he also stopped pushing for us to get anything filed.

Now I'm kind of at an impasse as to what to do. We did all the paperwork without a lawyer, and the agreement is pretty good for both parties. I'd hate to pay a lawyer just to force him to finish it, but I like the idea of being protected legally/financially, especially if things go south later.

As far as our relationship goes, things are still very platonic, but I sense longing from him. I've been doing good by not reacting to him and working on myself. I want to be patient with the situation and see where it goes, but I'm just not sure what I should do about the legal stuff.
Sounds like he got dumped.

Perfect time for you to move ahead assertively.
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