Seperated and Unsure of Where Things Are Headed - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-07-2019, 03:49 PM Thread Starter
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Seperated and Unsure of Where Things Are Headed

My husband and I have been separated for about eight weeks, and he's stated that he wants a divorce.

For background purposes, I met my husband in 2008 and we got married in 2011, after recovering from a four month long breakup in 2010. In 2012 we had our first child, and ended up having a total of three kids in four years. This was really rough on me and I gained about 100lbs through all three pregnancies--I've lost weight since, but still need to lose about 50lbs to get to pre-pregnancy weight. My husband has been a stay-home dad since late 2013. I make most of the money. He gets a small VA disability check, but we also have an investment that makes for some good passive income.

This past summer, I could tell something was really bothering my husband. He was very withdrawn, not affectionate, spent lots of time outside or just away from the house...I knew something was wrong and finally confronted him in the beginning of September. He has combat related PTSD, so my general assumption was that whatever was bothering him had to do with that. After refusing to talk to me for several days, he came out and said he wanted a divorce, and that he, "liked me but didn't love me." This was unexpected.

His main reason seems to be my weight, which I don't actually believe--I was pretty overweight when we very first started dating. I was thin when we got married, but I never stepped foot in the gym until after we were already a couple, and it was something I wanted to do for myself. I went to the gym pretty regularly until I got pregnant and couldn't take the morning sickness/exercise combo. I haven't really been able to get back into exercise with the kids all so young and me working full time.

His other reasons for divorce were that he thought I was controlling, he didn't like anything about me, and thought we had a terrible marriage--it's like he rewrote history. I don't think I am ''controlling", but I will say that I'm a saver and he's a spender. I never cared about most of his purchases, except when he would spend $1000's of dollars without even discussing with me first. Most of this money came from our investment, so I could understand his desire to just spend it, but he was buying vanity items when we needed a new roof, for example. There were also tax liabilities for spending this money, and it was always difficult to deal with it at tax time.

After the divorce talk, he immediately started searching for a new place to live, but I actually ended up being the one to move out. I panicked because the only place he could actually afford to move to was over an hour away, and I didn't have time to find alternate childcare arrangements.

My husband did say some really bizarre and crazy stuff in that first week that made me question whether or not the PTSD is the real issue. (I can elaborate on this later--I don't want this post too long.) He's had a diagnosis since 2012, but never sought treatment. The week after I moved out, my husband told my dad he called a veteran's crisis line. (He still talks to my dad pretty regularly.) It took six weeks for my husband to actually get an appointment, and that therapist "dumped" him after one visit--they told him he needed treatment outside the scope of their expertise and wont see him again. He's still wanting treatment, but it's unclear as to what the next steps are.

After the separation, things were really dismal. He was very cold, didn't want me at the house for long, didn't want me touching things in the house... I was a wreck during this time--saying and doing stuff that probably just cemented his decision in his mind. After about a month, I was able to get a hold of myself enough to back off completely and am doing my best to just roll with the situation and appear happy and upbeat whenever I have to see him.

Now I don't even know what to make of the situation. We're communicating really well--he's even apologized to me about the situation. He invites me over for kids activities, he helped the kids celebrate my birthday, we've had laughs and jokes together, he tells me goodnight when I leave the house, he talks to me about various details in his personal life, etc.

On the divorce front...he actually agreed to do legal separation instead, but nothing is filed, and it seems the end goal is still divorce. We've been doing the paperwork ourselves and have agreed on just about everything. There was discussion of marriage counseling, which he agreed to, but then said it was just to give me closure. At this point, we haven't gone to counseling, and I'm not planning to bring it up again unless he specifically asks to go. He has his wedding ring tattooed on, and has gotten at least one tattoo removal treatment for it.

I've wondered about the possibility of another woman, but have seen little evidence that one exists. My husband's friend did make a comment that my husband was feeling guilty about being attracted to someone else, but if that's the case, my husband doesn't appear to be making any moves. He even disconnected his cell service--he just has a VOIP now and doesn't hide his phone or anything like that. He deleted all his social media a while ago, so nothing there either.

So anyways, I'd like to think this situation is salvageable, but I'm also prepared to walk away. I'm trying not to make myself a doormat, but I feel the need to keep things as friendly as possible because of the situation with his PTSD and the fact that he's still the primary caretaker for the kids. I'm not really sure what I should be doing...there's a lot more I have to say about this situation, but this is enough for now.


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post #2 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-12-2019, 04:15 PM
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Re: Seperated and Unsure of Where Things Are Headed

Hope all is going well.
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post #3 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-14-2019, 06:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Seperated and Unsure of Where Things Are Headed

Well, I found out over the weekend that he did cheat, but it was several years ago. It sounds like it was a Craigslist hookup. He refuses to give many details, aside from that he feels extreme guilt about it. I told him I forgave him and he says he doesn't deserve forgiveness and that no other woman would be willing to forgive cheating. He then started crying, gave me a hug, and said he didn't want to hurt me anymore. Later that day, he was back to telling me that he didn't love me and that he was much happier now that we're separated--he said he couldn't handle my mood swings. This is the first time he mentioned mood swings.

I left this out earlier, but I've been suffering from bad mood swings for a while. I had this problem early in our relationship, and it went away when I switched birth control. I've been using a hormonal IUD ever since. I started suspecting the IUD was affecting my moods last year, but nobody else seemed to notice. Well...I guess my husband did, but he never said anything until a few days ago. I actually had my IUD removed after we separated, and when he brought up mood swings, I told him I thought my birth control was the cause and that I quit using it. He said that if that were the case, it would be "tragic" .

I later told him that many marriages are able to recover from full blown affairs. Then, he said, "I almost want to say let's get legally separated, but not divorced...we'll keep separate houses..." I interrupted his thought to ask what would happen if I got a boyfriend, and he said we could get divorced, and that he didn't really care what we did as long as he could get his ring tattoo removed.

So now I'm confused. He's been dead set on divorce. Even though we previously agreed on legal separation, the end goal was always divorce, but now he wants to separate and not divorce? There are advantages to staying legally separated, but he had a counter argument for just about all of them. Now I'm wondering if he's entertaining the idea that maybe we can recover from this??? I really do forgive the cheating, and I think it's frustrating that he can't seem to forgive himself.

At this point, I'm a bit on the fence about what I want. If he were to come up to me right now, wanting to reconcile, I'm not sure what I would do. Even though I forgave him for the cheating, the fact that he would put me through all of this bothers me a lot.
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post #4 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-14-2019, 06:20 PM
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Re: Seperated and Unsure of Where Things Are Headed

I say take him at his word, see a lawyer and find out what puts you in the best state of your affairs both emotionally and financially, You can not push the rope and gain a thing. And he would grow to resent you and make you life a possible living hell. I'm sorry

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post #5 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-14-2019, 06:32 PM
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Re: Seperated and Unsure of Where Things Are Headed

It's hard to hear, but it looks more like you're putting yourself through all this. He doesn't want to be together is the bottom line. You're the one who keeps asking questions and trying to keep the marriage. I guess he's answering as best he can without hurting you, but my guess is he's not deliberating trying to confuse you.

As a side note: During the divorce, you're going to learn it was a big mistake leaving your home and children.
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post #6 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-15-2019, 10:39 AM
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Re: Seperated and Unsure of Where Things Are Headed

He is backpedaling on the divorce because you are his meal ticket. He wants out but not out enough to actually be on his own and take care of himself. Do you really want to stay married to someone who doesnt love you and is so screwed up emotionally? Sounds like a stressful, miserable way to live for the next 30 years of your life. If he doesnt love you, then staying married is like a prison sentence for you. Do what he doesnt have the balls to do and file.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #7 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-15-2019, 11:52 AM
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Re: Seperated and Unsure of Where Things Are Headed

He wants his cake and to eat it to.
Have you supporting him and play
around on the side. He has probably
cheated more than you know.

What do you want is the real question?
Keep going through this or to be happy ?
Ever marriage has its ups and downs.
Been married for 30 + years, I have gained
weight lost weight, so has she. We are still
going strong. Marriage is a commitment, good
with the bad.

Make him put up or shut up. You need to ensure
he earns your trust if you want to stay. You didn't
cheat he did. His actions will speak more than his
words.

Never place anyone on a pedestal it hurts more when they fall off
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post #8 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-15-2019, 12:06 PM
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Re: Seperated and Unsure of Where Things Are Headed

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Originally Posted by sa58 View Post

Make him put up or shut up. You need to ensure
he earns your trust if you want to stay. You didn't
cheat he did. His actions will speak more than his
words.
I get the impression he doesnt care to even try... thus rules out reconciliation. He doesnt want it.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #9 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-15-2019, 12:18 PM
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Re: Seperated and Unsure of Where Things Are Headed

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I get the impression he doesnt care to even try... thus rules out reconciliation. He doesnt want it.
I agree but it is what she wants. She may or may not
want to try. He does sound like a total jerk.
But her choice.

Never place anyone on a pedestal it hurts more when they fall off
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post #10 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-15-2019, 02:02 PM
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Re: Seperated and Unsure of Where Things Are Headed

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Originally Posted by Onarollercoaster View Post
Well, I found out over the weekend that he did cheat, but it was several years ago. It sounds like it was a Craigslist hookup. He refuses to give many details, aside from that he feels extreme guilt about it. I told him I forgave him and he says he doesn't deserve forgiveness and that no other woman would be willing to forgive cheating. He then started crying, gave me a hug, and said he didn't want to hurt me anymore. Later that day, he was back to telling me that he didn't love me and that he was much happier now that we're separated--he said he couldn't handle my mood swings. This is the first time he mentioned mood swings.

I left this out earlier, but I've been suffering from bad mood swings for a while. I had this problem early in our relationship, and it went away when I switched birth control. I've been using a hormonal IUD ever since. I started suspecting the IUD was affecting my moods last year, but nobody else seemed to notice. Well...I guess my husband did, but he never said anything until a few days ago. I actually had my IUD removed after we separated, and when he brought up mood swings, I told him I thought my birth control was the cause and that I quit using it. He said that if that were the case, it would be "tragic" .

I later told him that many marriages are able to recover from full blown affairs. Then, he said, "I almost want to say let's get legally separated, but not divorced...we'll keep separate houses..." I interrupted his thought to ask what would happen if I got a boyfriend, and he said we could get divorced, and that he didn't really care what we did as long as he could get his ring tattoo removed.

So now I'm confused. He's been dead set on divorce. Even though we previously agreed on legal separation, the end goal was always divorce, but now he wants to separate and not divorce? There are advantages to staying legally separated, but he had a counter argument for just about all of them. Now I'm wondering if he's entertaining the idea that maybe we can recover from this??? I really do forgive the cheating, and I think it's frustrating that he can't seem to forgive himself.

At this point, I'm a bit on the fence about what I want. If he were to come up to me right now, wanting to reconcile, I'm not sure what I would do. Even though I forgave him for the cheating, the fact that he would put me through all of this bothers me a lot.
He doesn't want you to forgive his affair. He wants you to be "the bad guy" and leave him. Or at least make him leaving easy.

He only told you now to get you to push him away.

You're only confused because you're listening to his words and not his actions. His actions are "go away so I can have a life without you, and do it as painlessly to me as possible."

Virtually guarantee he hasn't just run away from this marriage and cheated on you once - he's run away from you and to someone else.

So just go.

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post #11 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-15-2019, 03:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Seperated and Unsure of Where Things Are Headed

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He doesn't want you to forgive his affair. He wants you to be "the bad guy" and leave him. Or at least make him leaving easy.

He only told you now to get you to push him away.

You're only confused because you're listening to his words and not his actions. His actions are "go away so I can have a life without you, and do it as painlessly to me as possible."

Virtually guarantee he hasn't just run away from this marriage and cheated on you once - he's run away from you and to someone else.

So just go.
I actually think he wasn't planning to tell me about the cheating at all. A lot of people were telling me that he must have cheated, so I called his bluff--I flat out told him I knew he cheated (without any evidence) and he confessed. He doesn't want to elaborate on it, but he did tell me that the gal was about sixty pounds heavier than I was. I think that's really interesting considering his "issues" with the marriage. I asked him if he wanted to get divorced prior to the cheating, and he couldn't give me an answer.

His actions have actually been completely contrary to his words, which is why I don't believe him when he says he doesn't love me. Since we separated, he has continued to go out of his way to do nice things for me, and it goes far beyond the scope of what I think a person would do if they were simply feeling guilty. Just this past weekend, I had a plumbing issue (water shooting out of the toilet like a volcano/massive flood) at my new house, and he volunteered to take care of it so I didn't have to miss work. This took up his entire day. I did not ask him to do this or even suggest that I needed help. The only thing I told him was that I was going to be late for our child exchange, because I needed to clean up a flood in my basement. That's when he offered to help.
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post #12 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-15-2019, 03:10 PM
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Re: Seperated and Unsure of Where Things Are Headed

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I actually think he wasn't planning to tell me about the cheating at all. A lot of people were telling me that he must have cheated, so I called his bluff--I flat out told him I knew he cheated (without any evidence) and he confessed. He doesn't want to elaborate on it, but he did tell me that the gal was about sixty pounds heavier than I was. I think that's really interesting considering his "issues" with the marriage. I asked him if he wanted to get divorced prior to the cheating, and he couldn't give me an answer.

His actions have actually been completely contrary to his words, which is why I don't believe him when he says he doesn't love me. Since we separated, he has continued to go out of his way to do nice things for me, and it goes far beyond the scope of what I think a person would do if they were simply feeling guilty. Just this past weekend, I had a plumbing issue (water shooting out of the toilet like a volcano/massive flood) at my new house, and he volunteered to take care of it so I didn't have to miss work. This took up his entire day. I did not ask him to do this or even suggest that I needed help. The only thing I told him was that I was going to be late for our child exchange, because I needed to clean up a flood in my basement. That's when he offered to help.
That's guilt and shame, not love in my opinion.

He desperately doesn't want to be the bad guy, but desperately wants out.
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post #13 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-15-2019, 03:25 PM
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Re: Seperated and Unsure of Where Things Are Headed

I just don't get why you have left you 3 small children.
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post #14 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-15-2019, 04:03 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Seperated and Unsure of Where Things Are Headed

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I just don't get why you have left you 3 small children.
I am a working mom, and he's been the stay-home dad. Him moving out would have made childcare complicated. He said he was willing to commute an hour to care for the the kids during the day, but I didn't really have a backup plan. I tried finding daycare locally, but finding a place without a wait-list was proving to be nearly impossible.

I ended up renting a room from his brother's family, and bought a house shortly after. I didn't take the kids with me, because I had no way to get the oldest to school. My in-laws couldn't help because they lived in a different school district and had their own kids to get to school.

I have seen my kids almost every day after work, just like normal, and have taken them kids overnight on weekends. I am the custodial parent on our parenting plan, but the kids aren't quite living with me yet. I had to wait for my house to close and am basically starting over with furnishings.
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post #15 of 42 (permalink) Old 11-15-2019, 05:28 PM
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Re: Seperated and Unsure of Where Things Are Headed

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His actions have actually been completely contrary to his words, which is why I don't believe him when he says he doesn't love me. Since we separated, he has continued to go out of his way to do nice things for me, and it goes far beyond the scope of what I think a person would do if they were simply feeling guilty. Just this past weekend, I had a plumbing issue (water shooting out of the toilet like a volcano/massive flood) at my new house, and he volunteered to take care of it so I didn't have to miss work. This took up his entire day. I did not ask him to do this or even suggest that I needed help. The only thing I told him was that I was going to be late for our child exchange, because I needed to clean up a flood in my basement. That's when he offered to help.
Again... he is taking care of his meal ticket. He figures if he takes care of things, then you wont cut off his cash flow. Think about this... he already had a session of tattoo removal done to get rid of his inked wedding ring, and getting rid of it was his primary concern when it came to separating. I find that VERY telling as to what it is that he wants and how he is feeling about you and the marriage.

Maybe you should believe how he is telling you he feels. Do you want to be with someone who doesnt want you? Pretty sure you deserve way better than that...

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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