Seperated and Unsure of Where Things Are Headed
My husband and I have been separated for about eight weeks, and he's stated that he wants a divorce.
For background purposes, I met my husband in 2008 and we got married in 2011, after recovering from a four month long breakup in 2010. In 2012 we had our first child, and ended up having a total of three kids in four years. This was really rough on me and I gained about 100lbs through all three pregnancies--I've lost weight since, but still need to lose about 50lbs to get to pre-pregnancy weight. My husband has been a stay-home dad since late 2013. I make most of the money. He gets a small VA disability check, but we also have an investment that makes for some good passive income.
This past summer, I could tell something was really bothering my husband. He was very withdrawn, not affectionate, spent lots of time outside or just away from the house...I knew something was wrong and finally confronted him in the beginning of September. He has combat related PTSD, so my general assumption was that whatever was bothering him had to do with that. After refusing to talk to me for several days, he came out and said he wanted a divorce, and that he, "liked me but didn't love me." This was unexpected.
His main reason seems to be my weight, which I don't actually believe--I was pretty overweight when we very first started dating. I was thin when we got married, but I never stepped foot in the gym until after we were already a couple, and it was something I wanted to do for myself. I went to the gym pretty regularly until I got pregnant and couldn't take the morning sickness/exercise combo. I haven't really been able to get back into exercise with the kids all so young and me working full time.
His other reasons for divorce were that he thought I was controlling, he didn't like anything about me, and thought we had a terrible marriage--it's like he rewrote history. I don't think I am ''controlling", but I will say that I'm a saver and he's a spender. I never cared about most of his purchases, except when he would spend $1000's of dollars without even discussing with me first. Most of this money came from our investment, so I could understand his desire to just spend it, but he was buying vanity items when we needed a new roof, for example. There were also tax liabilities for spending this money, and it was always difficult to deal with it at tax time.
After the divorce talk, he immediately started searching for a new place to live, but I actually ended up being the one to move out. I panicked because the only place he could actually afford to move to was over an hour away, and I didn't have time to find alternate childcare arrangements.
My husband did say some really bizarre and crazy stuff in that first week that made me question whether or not the PTSD is the real issue. (I can elaborate on this later--I don't want this post too long.) He's had a diagnosis since 2012, but never sought treatment. The week after I moved out, my husband told my dad he called a veteran's crisis line. (He still talks to my dad pretty regularly.) It took six weeks for my husband to actually get an appointment, and that therapist "dumped" him after one visit--they told him he needed treatment outside the scope of their expertise and wont see him again. He's still wanting treatment, but it's unclear as to what the next steps are.
After the separation, things were really dismal. He was very cold, didn't want me at the house for long, didn't want me touching things in the house... I was a wreck during this time--saying and doing stuff that probably just cemented his decision in his mind. After about a month, I was able to get a hold of myself enough to back off completely and am doing my best to just roll with the situation and appear happy and upbeat whenever I have to see him.
Now I don't even know what to make of the situation. We're communicating really well--he's even apologized to me about the situation. He invites me over for kids activities, he helped the kids celebrate my birthday, we've had laughs and jokes together, he tells me goodnight when I leave the house, he talks to me about various details in his personal life, etc.
On the divorce front...he actually agreed to do legal separation instead, but nothing is filed, and it seems the end goal is still divorce. We've been doing the paperwork ourselves and have agreed on just about everything. There was discussion of marriage counseling, which he agreed to, but then said it was just to give me closure. At this point, we haven't gone to counseling, and I'm not planning to bring it up again unless he specifically asks to go. He has his wedding ring tattooed on, and has gotten at least one tattoo removal treatment for it.
I've wondered about the possibility of another woman, but have seen little evidence that one exists. My husband's friend did make a comment that my husband was feeling guilty about being attracted to someone else, but if that's the case, my husband doesn't appear to be making any moves. He even disconnected his cell service--he just has a VOIP now and doesn't hide his phone or anything like that. He deleted all his social media a while ago, so nothing there either.
So anyways, I'd like to think this situation is salvageable, but I'm also prepared to walk away. I'm trying not to make myself a doormat, but I feel the need to keep things as friendly as possible because of the situation with his PTSD and the fact that he's still the primary caretaker for the kids. I'm not really sure what I should be doing...there's a lot more I have to say about this situation, but this is enough for now.
Last edited by Onarollercoaster; 11-07-2019 at 04:48 PM.