Breakup after 33 years - how to cope? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-02-2020, 03:25 AM Thread Starter
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Breakup after 33 years - how to cope?

We are separating after 33 years together. Husband said he wants to be alone as he is very depressed. This all blew up very quickly after Christmas and now I am going to move out with our granddaughter who is in our care.

I have been a bit unhappy for some time as I have trust issues due to him having an affair 18 years ago and lying about it. We never resolved any of the issues arising from this and just ignored that it happened. Probably a big mistake. The thought of leaving was running through my mind occasionally but I had decided to stay and work on our issues. I thought we were doing that - we had discussed his previous actions & lies and I had discussed my trust issues. Note, I had never told him I had thoughts of leaving - I did tell one mutal friend who may have told husband, I don't know.

Anyway, I am not convinced that he does not have another woman in the wings this time. He categorically denies any such thing and swears he does not have another woman, but it is really the only thing that makes sense of the way he is acting. If he does have someone, I know who it would be and I suppose time will tell if I am right or wrong.

What I really want to know is how on earth do I cope with the strong feelings I am having. I can't eat, thankfully I am overweight so I can live for a few weeks without food. Husband hasn't eaten for days that I can see and he cries all of the time. I fluctuate between tears & anger. Will I ever feel 'normal' again? I have to keep it together for our ASD granddaughter, she is already struggling to understand why she has to move out of her house when she hasn't done anything.

I barely have the energy to pack our stuff, let alone move it. Life sucks sometimes.

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post #2 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-02-2020, 03:33 AM
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Re: Breakup after 33 years - how to cope?

I am sorry this happened. Yes it may be true that he has someone else, or maybe he wants to start looking for someone else. His track record doesn't make him sound real safe. Either way though very painful you can't make him stay. Unfortunately the only advice that I think can be given is that you will just have to have courage to move forward. It's OK to mourn for a little while but eventually you need to give yourself the courage to have hope that you can still have a great life with joy again.

Again I am sorry, but it will get better.
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post #3 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-02-2020, 05:44 AM
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Re: Breakup after 33 years - how to cope?

im genuinely sorry that this is happening.
I wish that i had an answer. Its just one moment at a time.
Im really curious. Why are you and your ASD grandaughter moving out?
It will disrupt her world.
Make HIM move out.
Less stress. 2 vs 1
I live with depression. Is he depressed? I dont know.
Would you be willing to say why you think this?
Will he see his GP?

Again, why are YOU moving out when a child has ASD?
Help me understand how this is not selfish on his part.
Have you seen a lawyer? Do you know what your RIGHTS are?
Stop dancing to his tune. If he has someone, make him OWN it.
Why should he live in his comfy home and disrupt others lives?
Me thinks youneed to get a bit mad. If not for you, then for your GD.
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post #4 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-02-2020, 05:51 AM
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Re: Breakup after 33 years - how to cope?

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Im really curious. Why are you and your ASD grandaughter moving out?
It will disrupt her world.
Make HIM move out.

I thought that too... but it's the OP wanting to leave... so maybe she feels she should move out? But I don't think this is a great move for the granddaughter...
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post #5 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-02-2020, 01:39 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Breakup after 33 years - how to cope?

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Im really curious. Why are you and your ASD grandaughter moving out?
It will disrupt her world.
Make HIM move out.
Less stress. 2 vs 1
I live with depression. Is he depressed? I dont know.
Would you be willing to say why you think this?
Will he see his GP?

Again, why are YOU moving out when a child has ASD?
Help me understand how this is not selfish on his part.
Have you seen a lawyer? Do you know what your RIGHTS are?
Stop dancing to his tune. If he has someone, make him OWN it.
Why should he live in his comfy home and disrupt others lives?
Me thinks youneed to get a bit mad. If not for you, then for your GD.
Our house was living upstairs & business downstairs. If he moves out he still has to come here to work every day anyway because he does all of the client contact. He did suggest him moving out but it just wouldn't give him that space he wants. I can work remotely as I just do processing & don't have any client contact.

It is disruptive to our ASD granddaughter - she only came to live with us a year ago as her parents both have mental illness - her mother is BPD & her father (our son) couldn't make a good decision if his life depended on it. She is 13. I have explained that we have to move and her biggest annoyance is that she won't have a swimming pool, however, our son & his wife live about 10 minutes from where I am looking to move and they have a pool.

I am mad - I am taking all of the furniture and leaving him with a bed & the office stuff. Another reason I am moving out is that the rent of the current house is very high and I just don't trust him to not leave town and leave me to try and pay it on a tiny income. I want to make sure I am going to be able to afford to live if he suddenly winds up the business we have & I am left living on welfare so I am looking at much cheaper places. Of course the issue there is I am leaving a very good neighbourhood for a less secure one.

He is very depressed, he is apparently seeing his doctor today, but that appointment was made very unwillingly so I don't know if he will go. He seems to be wallowing in the depression at the moment. I do think there was a trigger that sent him spiralling down but at the moment, I don't know what that was. I suspect he has fallen for someone else but he is adamantly denying that (as they do).

I have really thought through what to do & in the end it comes down to that fact I don't trust him & I need to make sure I am set up if he does shoot through with another woman. The one I am suspecting lives in the same town as his mother - 5 hours from here. It could be that he is telling the truth and there is no other woman. In that case it means we are a bad fit together & again, I need to make sure I am considering the future should we divorce.
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post #6 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-02-2020, 01:50 PM
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Re: Breakup after 33 years - how to cope?

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He is very depressed, he is apparently seeing his doctor today, but that appointment was made very unwillingly so I don't know if he will go. He seems to be wallowing in the depression at the moment. I do think there was a trigger that sent him spiralling down but at the moment, I don't know what that was. I suspect he has fallen for someone else but he is adamantly denying that (as they do).

I have really thought through what to do & in the end it comes down to that fact I don't trust him & I need to make sure I am set up if he does shoot through with another woman. The one I am suspecting lives in the same town as his mother - 5 hours from here. It could be that he is telling the truth and there is no other woman. In that case it means we are a bad fit together & again, I need to make sure I am considering the future should we divorce.
I would strongly suggest divorce counseling. Very strongly. The idea is not to try and stay together, but figure out how best to live apart. You're going to continue to have business dealing with your probable STBX, so there's no way to cut all contact. This will probably also allow him to feel safer about divulging whatever it is that lead to this, so you may have a sense of closure, sort of.

There remains the possibility he is clinically depressed and needs some real help. You likely feel some empathy for him being in such pain, the crying, the lack of eating (even though you're going through this yourself). So you need to rule out the possibility that this isn't about another woman or even about you per se, but that he is seriously messed up in his head and needs help. I think it likely this would come out during divorce counseling.
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post #7 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-02-2020, 02:00 PM
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Re: Breakup after 33 years - how to cope?

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Originally Posted by Chippie View Post
We are separating after 33 years together. Husband said he wants to be alone as he is very depressed. This all blew up very quickly after Christmas and now I am going to move out with our granddaughter who is in our care.

I have been a bit unhappy for some time as I have trust issues due to him having an affair 18 years ago and lying about it. We never resolved any of the issues arising from this and just ignored that it happened. Probably a big mistake. The thought of leaving was running through my mind occasionally but I had decided to stay and work on our issues. I thought we were doing that - we had discussed his previous actions & lies and I had discussed my trust issues. Note, I had never told him I had thoughts of leaving - I did tell one mutal friend who may have told husband, I don't know.

Anyway, I am not convinced that he does not have another woman in the wings this time. He categorically denies any such thing and swears he does not have another woman, but it is really the only thing that makes sense of the way he is acting. If he does have someone, I know who it would be and I suppose time will tell if I am right or wrong.

What I really want to know is how on earth do I cope with the strong feelings I am having. I can't eat, thankfully I am overweight so I can live for a few weeks without food. Husband hasn't eaten for days that I can see and he cries all of the time. I fluctuate between tears & anger. Will I ever feel 'normal' again? I have to keep it together for our ASD granddaughter, she is already struggling to understand why she has to move out of her house when she hasn't done anything.

I barely have the energy to pack our stuff, let alone move it. Life sucks sometimes.
Why do you and the child have to move out? He should be the one to do that if he wants the marriage to end.
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post #8 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-02-2020, 02:10 PM
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Re: Breakup after 33 years - how to cope?

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Originally Posted by Chippie View Post
... What I really want to know is how on earth do I cope with the strong feelings I am having. I can't eat, thankfully I am overweight so I can live for a few weeks without food. ... I fluctuate between tears & anger. Will I ever feel 'normal' again? I have to keep it together for our ASD granddaughter, she is already struggling to understand why she has to move out of her house when she hasn't done anything.

I barely have the energy to pack our stuff, let alone move it. Life sucks sometimes.
I have a few practical ideas, if you don't mind pragmatic suggestions.

#1 I recommend buying two things: soup and lotioned tissue. The soup is because in order to maintain your energy and strength you do need to eat * something * and yet you have that big lump in your throat from crying and can't get anything past it, right? So get some soup. It's warm, it's nutritious, and it's kind of comforting...and being liquid it can get past the lump. The lotioned tissues are because most likely, over the next many days, you are going to be doing a lot of crying. When you use tissue that doesn't have lotion on it, you actually chap your eyelids and your nose...so then you have salty tears going into your chapped eyes and your nose will sting. The lotioned tissuesare more gentle on your skin and you'll avoid chapped eyelids that swell shut.

#2 I have to admit I also thought "Hey wait a minute! If he wants out, why are you the one moving?" but after hearing your reasons (The rent is too much and The business is there), I can see that actually you are thinking of how you'll be able to support yourself with or without him, which is wise. I'm sorry your life and your gD's life are both thrown into disarray because he's untrustworthy, but I'm proud of you for facing it honestly instead of being in denial. It does suck...but in real life you are where you are, and I think you are making decisions that are the best FOR YOU (and her).

#3 As far as coping goes, I actually would strongly recommend a support group. I personally went to two support groups when I was going through my divorce, and it was very helpful to me to know that I was not alone and that others also thought and felt like me. In other words, I could tell that it was "normal" to think ___ or feel ___... and that was reassuring to know that it was part of the healing process and wouldn't stay forever, etc. I personlly went to a Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends group, and you can find a group near you here: https://rebuilding.org/seminar-locations/ (They call it a "seminar" but it's about ten to fifteen people who meet for ten weeks.) There's also an assessment you can take here: https://rebuilding.org/assessment/ to see how you're doing. If you don't want to "go" somewhere, you can also join an online group here: https://www.afterdivorcesupport.com/rebuilding-seminar/

If this doesn't work for you, you might also consider DivorceCare which is similar but often meets in churches and is a little longer (like...they meet for a whole season). As an example, if you attend regularly and are really comfortable with your church family, it might feel a little extra supportive to a DivorceCare group that meets weekly at your church and get to know others who are going through what you are going through, etc. You can look for a nearby group here: https://www.divorcecare.org/


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post #9 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-02-2020, 02:35 PM
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Re: Breakup after 33 years - how to cope?

Despite being very sad, you seem to be making rational, solid decisions. I'm sorry this is happening.

I second the soup idea. Losing weight by not eating creates other problems in your body. When someone in my house is ill and doesn't feel like eating, I heat up chicken or beef broth. Carrots and other vegetables can be added, put through the blender and heated up to make a smooth, nutrition broth/soup. If you aren't eating, it can make it more difficult to cope with everything that is going on. Broth with vegetables will actually help with weight loss, but you will be getting solid nutrition and not starving yourself. Also make sure you are drinking enough fluids.

Eating is about getting the nutrients you need for your body to function properly. You may be able to survive off the fat, but it doesn't contain the vitamins and minerals you need. That is why I recommend making sure to be eating soup with protein and vegetables, so your brain and body are getting what they need in order to function properly. You won't need to add any carbohydrates to the soup, because your body will use stored fat for energy. You will go into ketosis, which is a common weight loss method that doesn't put you in nutritional deficiency when you are getting enough protein and vegetables.

Can you expand the work you are doing at home? Is your granddaughter on SSI? You might be able to get financial help as her caregiver.

I always recommend you buy a book on divorce in your state so you understand all your rights and responsibilities as well as the process.

Is your name on the business? If you own the business together and you are afraid that he'll simply close up shop and move, it would be helpful if you were able to take over if he can't, at least to sell it.


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post #10 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-02-2020, 02:42 PM
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Re: Breakup after 33 years - how to cope?

How old are you? Had you considered going back to school to develop a skill that you can make a good income with? I am 55 and had considered getting my paralegal license, but decided to get a bachelor's instead and have been in school for a year now. You may be able to find a program to help you. The government doesn't want people on welfare, so they have programs that allow for training to allow people to get good jobs and stay off welfare. There might be something that would help you. You can go to the local community college and ask. If there is anything, they will help you get set up. When I went back to school, they asked me about my situation to see if I qualified for any of those programs. I didn't, but you might.



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post #11 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-02-2020, 03:17 PM
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Re: Breakup after 33 years - how to cope?

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Originally Posted by Chippie View Post

What I really want to know is how on earth do I cope with the strong feelings I am having. I can't eat, thankfully I am overweight so I can live for a few weeks without food. Husband hasn't eaten for days that I can see and he cries all of the time. I fluctuate between tears & anger. Will I ever feel 'normal' again? I have to keep it together for our ASD granddaughter, she is already struggling to understand why she has to move out of her house when she hasn't done anything.

I barely have the energy to pack our stuff, let alone move it. Life sucks sometimes.
Many of us have been where you are, and I promise better days are ahead. You cope by doing what you are currently doing... making a plan and focusing on what you need to do for yourself and your GD. My last husband divorced me to remarry his first wife. I thought I would never make it through that in one piece.. it was hard, but I did it. I had so much anger and so much pain. Dont give him a single thought of sympathy or pity, he doesnt deserve it. His issues are no longer your problem, so only focus on yourself.

I think once you are out of there and settled, you are going to be surprised at the peace you feel. Focus on that.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #12 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-03-2020, 06:29 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Breakup after 33 years - how to cope?

I am really struggling tonight. Honestly, if a person could will themselves to die, I would. I was fine and then I wasn't. I feel like a ton of bricks has dropped on me.
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post #13 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-03-2020, 11:35 AM
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Re: Breakup after 33 years - how to cope?

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I am really struggling tonight. Honestly, if a person could will themselves to die, I would. I was fine and then I wasn't. I feel like a ton of bricks has dropped on me.
These feelings will come and go. As someone suggested, head down. One foot in front of the other. Can you see your doctor to give you something to help you sleep during these times?

I know that it's no consolation, but many people have gone through this or are currently going through this.

Hang on. Better days are ahead. I promise.
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post #14 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-03-2020, 11:45 AM
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Re: Breakup after 33 years - how to cope?

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I am really struggling tonight. Honestly, if a person could will themselves to die, I would. I was fine and then I wasn't. I feel like a ton of bricks has dropped on me.
Unfortunately this is normal. The key is to focus on what you are doing rather than on how you are feeling. I'm not suggesting you bury your feelings, but you also don't have to dwell on them. Set goals for yourself and focus on them. You can learn to redirect your focus onto positive things.

Don't suppress your feelings. Rather let them fliw through and out, follow them with thoughts of freedom and health and let the negative go. It's not easy, but it can be done with practice.

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post #15 of 72 (permalink) Old 01-03-2020, 01:05 PM
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Re: Breakup after 33 years - how to cope?

Some people run from problems, some stay and allow themselves to be pummeled.

Before he said he wanted a separation, all was fine in your estimation.
Maybe not fine, but tolerable.

He feels pummeled, from the live-in ASD granddaughter, and by your 'seemingly' uncaring presence.
And by your daughter in law being mentally ill, and the son who is weak, yes, the fallout from that.

I know, I know, he should have gotten that stiff upper lip, agh, he did not.
He could not.

He folded.
He is depressed.

Depressed is a state having few avenues of escape.

One of the roads out, is drugs.
One, is living with the pain.
One, is getting your head examined and set 'straighter".
One, is getting away from those things one finds intolerable and depressing. He is choosing this brambled path.

.................................................. ........

Some likelys:

He finds you exhausting, and the innocent, yet the 'problem' ASD child added her weight, and has brought your husband to his knees.

Am I making excuses for him?
No, I am spelling what is happening from his 'likely' viewpoint.

Keep in mind, rarely is one partners viewpoint the only one worth considering.

You are angry, likely bitter.
He has fallen flat, not yet on his face.




The Typist I-

I recommend divorce.
Why? One irritant less (each) for the both of you. With each of you out of one-anothers hair.

You worry mostly about the financial aspects of this separation, he worries more about his own sanity.
Ah, yes, what is left of it.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out. The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall.
The Host, Rd is ill, any years left, remain now, in doubt? Red Dog is now lost to us.
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