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post #1 of 55 (permalink) Old 10-13-2016, 05:57 PM Thread Starter
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Mate Guarding Yourself

I had posted a little about this on another thread...

The idea of mate guarding is that if you become aware that someone else is checking out or interested in your mate, you move in and remind this person that your mate is taken...in whatever way works for you. This could be done with just a look in some cases. Or it could be done by physically getting in someone's face, if that's how it plays out.

But what about guarding yourself on your mate's behalf? Do you do things that would qualify as this?

One example I always do is that I avoid spending extra time with anyone I feel strong sexual attraction to. In some cases it can't be avoided, but mostly it can. I just don't develop friendships with anyone like this, and if it is someone I work with in some capacity, I just don't spend more time with them than is necessary to get the work done and I avoid getting into personal discussions.

I also make sure to keep a "non flirty" vibe with anyone I feel chemistry or sexual attraction to....whereas I may be "innocently flirty" with people who I know for certain will not ever make me compromise my feelings for my partner.

I can think of some other examples but just wondered if others consciously do this.

In Marriage Builders, they call this taking extraordinary precautions, and usually this is suggested for after an affair...but to some degree, I think it is just something we should all do to do avoid developing crushes on other people....but having said that, I know some people have truly innocent crushes, and I am not talking about those. For myself, I just always make sure I don't have enough feelings (sexual or emotional) for anyone to develop any crush at all.

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post #2 of 55 (permalink) Old 10-13-2016, 06:01 PM
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Re: Mate Guarding Yourself

I think this is a great thread. I don't ''mate guard'' though, it's just not something I'm comfortable with. If my fiance can't tell a chick to back off, we shouldn't be together. Same for me. He is more into 'stepping in' when he knows a guy might be approaching me in a social setting, but I don't feel comfortable 'making it known' that he's my fiance. That's just me. I haven't really dealt with it in front of my face yet, but I'm sure there are women he encounters throughout his day that might be forward, as he's pretty hot. lol And I trust that he doesn't entertain them.

But, mate guarding ourselves is a great idea, and something I believe in. I don't flirt with guys, only my fiance. I think that people should be aware of how their actions make others feel, and sometimes 'innocent' flirting on our parts, might be taken differently by someone else.

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post #3 of 55 (permalink) Old 10-13-2016, 06:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Mate Guarding Yourself

@*Deidre* yes, I would say most of the time, there's really no need to mate guard our partners. Most people are not aggressively hitting on our partners enough to warrant it.

Though sometimes I will do it playfully, in a way that just lets my partner know that I noticed another woman was checking him out and will say something like "she betta not be tryin' to get up on you or she'll be hurtin'", and I will act all tough about it. Though in reality, any partner I've been with knows I would never cause any type of scene like this.

More importantly is guarding ourselves, I think, on our mate's behalf. Especially since most of the type of interest coming at us that would be a threat to our partner is going to happen when they are not around.
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post #4 of 55 (permalink) Old 10-13-2016, 07:08 PM
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Re: Mate Guarding Yourself

I’ll admit I am not very good at this mostly because I don’t see the more subtle indicators that a man is interested in me, you pretty much have to spell it out for me. Doh! My female friends and my 23 year old DD are the ones that notice and tell me, usually after the fact and I am always surprised.

I have had situations at work (all male workplaces) before where someone made advances and I was surprised because I didn’t see it coming. I have no problems shutting that type of advance down hard but I would rather not have to deal with them in the first place. That said, the most important thing that I do is to make sure that I am never alone with a man. There are always others present or in the vicinity if I am in public and it also includes the men I work with. If they think I am an “ice queen” at my workplace then that’s a good thing in my eyes. I do this to avoid gossip and innuendo and also for personal safety.
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post #5 of 55 (permalink) Old 10-13-2016, 07:31 PM
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Re: Mate Guarding Yourself

I've always been unabashedly open with my husband.. I've been this way since I was a teen.. not like this will ever change.. we openly talk about others we work with.. meet out & about.... we share our conversations...it's just common place, our "norm"..

I've had a new job for a while now.... there is a male co-worker there.. I enjoy talking to him...he reminds me A LOT of my husband's laid back personalty.. I'd suspect they have the same temperament even...I am not attracted to him physically .. but I still enjoy when he is working.. I've outright told my husband this.. I've mentioned the things we've talked about.. totally innocent.. from vacations destinations to Gettysburg history to Local serial killers...anything goes.... some co-workers are just "Blaaah", they don't smile much or they only seem to talk to those they've known for a long time...I was the new kid on the block... so you gravitate to those who show themselves friendly.. pretty much the case here..

Now, admittedly.. If he was wildly attractive.. I do think I'd have to calm my jets in starting some of the conversations I do, or lingering talking to him..

Neither myself or husband has ever did the slightest mate guarding or felt it necessary.. we talked about many moons ago...we both see it the same.. it's WE who are accountable to each other.. I wouldn't be blaming another woman if he got flirty.. if that's what he wants to do.. that speaks something...he's shown early on how he handles a woman coming on to him ... saying "I don't think my girlfriend would like that".. I dearly loved the little story, how she just left all of her groceries there and ran out of the store, when she felt rejected....he's a very faithful guy -always...

Then there is me.. I've never had much trouble saying what I think.. being easily led, easily seduced...if I was to flirt back, banter, get sexual, or fall into something.. the blame would be ENTIRELY ON ME, there is no excuses at all.. I am the one accountable to him, promises made.. IF that is what I wanted.. he'd be devastated but give me my freedom...

Outside of working.. we've always done most everything together anyway.. which has greatly reduced opportunities like these - growing or escalating into anything.. I can't even think of anything starting to "smoke" really.. the closest was ....an old high school friend we met up with in mid life, he was far too complimentary on me.. our friends were warning me - he wanted me... he eventually stopped coming over, removed himself from our circle.. He guarded himself.


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post #6 of 55 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 08:11 AM
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Re: Mate Guarding Yourself

Great thread. I am not saying I am all that and a bag of chips, but I do have a man at work who has been crushing on me for years . He usually says when I walk in the room, oh it just got hotter in here! It is all in good fun, but I usually say something to the effect of, well what a nice thing to say, thank you.I'll be sure to tell my boyfriend you said so. (And I do. Keeps my BF on his toes).

And, I also have a picture of my boyfriend and my dog as my computer screen saver. On a regular basis, this guy asks if I am still with my boyfriend and is he treating me right?. I smile and say yes we are doing great thanks for asking.

Other times, I would see him in his Department and have a friendly chat with him. He would later email me and say he was tongue-tied because of my "radiating beauty and vivaciousness". LOL.

It all looks pretty awkward when I write it in black and white here , but the conversation is always very fluid and nonawkward .

I think I do a pretty good job mate guarding myself.

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post #7 of 55 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 08:25 AM
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Re: Mate Guarding Yourself

Quote:
Originally Posted by Faithful Wife View Post
One example I always do is that I avoid spending extra time with anyone I feel strong sexual attraction to. In some cases it can't be avoided, but mostly it can. I just don't develop friendships with anyone like this, and if it is someone I work with in some capacity, I just don't spend more time with them than is necessary to get the work done and I avoid getting into personal discussions.
I'm ignorant here - how do you develop strong sexual attractions to someone without spending quality time with them?
I would assume you recognize you are developing sexual attractions, then you distance.

But how are you getting to or how are you able to get to a point where you start to develop sexual attraction to somebody?

not trying to be difficult or obtuse. I don't understand how you develop these feelings without having spent some significant (possibly inappropriate) time with that person.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Faithful Wife View Post
For myself, I just always make sure I don't have enough feelings (sexual or emotional) for anyone to develop any crush at all.
Again, I freely admit that I am ignorant here.
If you are maintaining an appropriate relationship with people, how are you developing sexual and or emotional feelings?

We could be talking about the same thing and it's just worded differently. Like I said, I am ignorant here and am just trying to understand what you're stating.

People just do the strangest things when they believe they're entitled.
But they do even stranger things when they just plain believe.
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post #8 of 55 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 09:01 AM
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Re: Mate Guarding Yourself

I'll share...

I was once shopping in a bookstore and another person started hitting on me so hard that apparently there was a vibe of "let's go get it on" in the air. I was absolutely oblivious, and my wife was laughing at me, and even the clerks working in the store were making faces.

I don't have anything against gay people, but I often get hit on by dudes without realizing it. I have no freaking clue that there are sexual overtones because my mind just does not work that way. I'm just like, "wow here is someone being very nice to me that shares similar interests as me! Yes we should hang out sometime! Of course we can go grab a coffee!"

...then my wife will pull me to the side and explain, and THEN it freaks me out because I can see that things were definitely not innocent. My gaydar is just completely broken.

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post #9 of 55 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 09:52 AM
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Re: Mate Guarding Yourself

@badsanta
Your story reminds me of the time my husband got talking to another guy in a bar, he had no clue until the guy touched his behind!
To this day, he blames it on the fact that he was drinking from a martini glass, so now he will only drink c0cktails from "manly" scotch glasses, even at home!


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post #10 of 55 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 10:14 AM
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Re: Mate Guarding Yourself

Quote:
Originally Posted by *Deidre* View Post
I think this is a great thread. I don't ''mate guard'' though, it's just not something I'm comfortable with. If my fiance can't tell a chick to back off, we shouldn't be together. Same for me.
I agree. I am not inclined to police my wife's interactions, and vice versa. She should - and does - do that herself (if she needs my help, she'll ask). However, many people don't, for whatever reason, and so a spouse may need to keep watch. Personally, I wouldn't want to be with someone I couldn't trust to enforce boundaries. Boundaries may be more "porous" for those in less than great relationships, though, so I think the best foundation is to consistently work to keep your relationship healthy and strong.


Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
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post #11 of 55 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 10:39 AM
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Re: Mate Guarding Yourself

I'm going to preface my post by saying that I mean no offense, to anyone, but the whole idea of mate guarding oneself is a 'pretty' people problem. It's a foreign concept to me and not something that crosses my mind ever.
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post #12 of 55 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 11:04 AM
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Re: Mate Guarding Yourself

Quote:
Originally Posted by Faithful Wife View Post
I had posted a little about this on another thread...

The idea of mate guarding is that if you become aware that someone else is checking out or interested in your mate, you move in and remind this person that your mate is taken...in whatever way works for you. This could be done with just a look in some cases. Or it could be done by physically getting in someone's face, if that's how it plays out.

But what about guarding yourself on your mate's behalf? Do you do things that would qualify as this?

One example I always do is that I avoid spending extra time with anyone I feel strong sexual attraction to. In some cases it can't be avoided, but mostly it can. I just don't develop friendships with anyone like this, and if it is someone I work with in some capacity, I just don't spend more time with them than is necessary to get the work done and I avoid getting into personal discussions.

I also make sure to keep a "non flirty" vibe with anyone I feel chemistry or sexual attraction to....whereas I may be "innocently flirty" with people who I know for certain will not ever make me compromise my feelings for my partner.

I can think of some other examples but just wondered if others consciously do this.

In Marriage Builders, they call this taking extraordinary precautions, and usually this is suggested for after an affair...but to some degree, I think it is just something we should all do to do avoid developing crushes on other people....but having said that, I know some people have truly innocent crushes, and I am not talking about those. For myself, I just always make sure I don't have enough feelings (sexual or emotional) for anyone to develop any crush at all.
In regards to guarding myself, I do it all the time. I know I am weak and I know if I place myself in the wrong place at the wrong time I am very likely to fail. Sometimes I'll get a glance that tells me there is strong sexual attraction and I will purposely walk the other way.

It's hard, but sometimes it's the only way out.

Maybe someone else can play with fire and come out fine. I usually get my asss burned.
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post #13 of 55 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 11:18 AM
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Re: Mate Guarding Yourself

Quote:
Originally Posted by Faithful Wife View Post
I had posted a little about this on another thread...

The idea of mate guarding is that if you become aware that someone else is checking out or interested in your mate, you move in and remind this person that your mate is taken...in whatever way works for you. This could be done with just a look in some cases. Or it could be done by physically getting in someone's face, if that's how it plays out.
I haven't run into a case where I needed to c0ck block someone interacting with my wife. Generally we are not in places where gamers hunt.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Faithful Wife View Post
But what about guarding yourself on your mate's behalf? Do you do things that would qualify as this?

One example I always do is that I avoid spending extra time with anyone I feel strong sexual attraction to. In some cases it can't be avoided, but mostly it can. I just don't develop friendships with anyone like this, and if it is someone I work with in some capacity, I just don't spend more time with them than is necessary to get the work done and I avoid getting into personal discussions.

I also make sure to keep a "non flirty" vibe with anyone I feel chemistry or sexual attraction to....whereas I may be "innocently flirty" with people who I know for certain will not ever make me compromise my feelings for my partner.

I can think of some other examples but just wondered if others consciously do this.

In Marriage Builders, they call this taking extraordinary precautions, and usually this is suggested for after an affair...but to some degree, I think it is just something we should all do to do avoid developing crushes on other people....but having said that, I know some people have truly innocent crushes, and I am not talking about those. For myself, I just always make sure I don't have enough feelings (sexual or emotional) for anyone to develop any crush at all.
This is really a discussion about boundaries.

Each of us should have appropriate boundaries for all of our interactions with OSFs and our same sex friends.

* Include spouse in as many activities with friends as possible
* Say nothing that you can't say in front of your spouse
* No bad talking about either spouse
* Minimize alone time with OSFs
* No touching beyond greeting formalities.
* Don't communiate with the opposite sex more than your same gender friends or your spouse (includes talk, phone, text, FB etc.)
* Do not do anything online that you wouldn’t do in person.
* Transparency: it should be obvious what you are doing and with whom. There should be no secrets (with the exception of surprise parties etc.). Both spouses should have access to all facebook accounts, email passwords, and cell phones.

Each person may have a slightly different list which may be more or less restrictive but it is critical that one has and abides by boundaries that are agreed upon with your spouse.

By having these boundaries and others we minimize the chance of developing feelings for another that could lead to it supplanting our emotional investment in our spouse.

I don't want to not live because of my fear of what could happen. - Laird Hamilton

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post #14 of 55 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 11:33 AM
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Re: Mate Guarding Yourself

Quote:
Originally Posted by snerg View Post
I'm ignorant here - how do you develop strong sexual attractions to someone without spending quality time with them?
I would assume you recognize you are developing sexual attractions, then you distance.

But how are you getting to or how are you able to get to a point where you start to develop sexual attraction to somebody?

not trying to be difficult or obtuse. I don't understand how you develop these feelings without having spent some significant (possibly inappropriate) time with that person.



Again, I freely admit that I am ignorant here.
If you are maintaining an appropriate relationship with people, how are you developing sexual and or emotional feelings?

We could be talking about the same thing and it's just worded differently. Like I said, I am ignorant here and am just trying to understand what you're stating.
You don't need to spend "quality" time with people to begin to develop feelings for another. Sometimes it's an instantaneous attraction. I've had a couple of these. At other times just being with someone that you have pleasant conversations (includes email, chat etc) you start to form neural patterns that respond with dopamine and other neural chemicals when you have repeated interactions. Over time the chemicals are addictive and you begin to escalate contact. The escalation to quality time is already a sign that you are becoming addicted and are developing feelings for someone. This is how EAs start. They are innocent at first and over successive escalations you become addicted to the dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin released. You don't need an "inappropriate" relationship for this to happen. At first it is often all above board. However there is a time when the appropriate is passed and that is usually after those feelings have been developed..

I don't want to not live because of my fear of what could happen. - Laird Hamilton

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post #15 of 55 (permalink) Old 10-14-2016, 11:38 AM
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Re: Mate Guarding Yourself

Quote:
Originally Posted by UMP View Post
In regards to guarding myself, I do it all the time. I know I am weak and I know if I place myself in the wrong place at the wrong time I am very likely to fail. Sometimes I'll get a glance that tells me there is strong sexual attraction and I will purposely walk the other way.

It's hard, but sometimes it's the only way out.

Maybe someone else can play with fire and come out fine. I usually get my asss burned.
You are in good company with this philosophy. Here is what Entropy had to say:


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I found that female friends are my kryptonite so my boundaries are going to be much stronger now than for others.

Basically we need to know our limitations and work around them.

I don't want to not live because of my fear of what could happen. - Laird Hamilton

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