Did I violate a boundary by asking her to take her walls down? - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 6 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 03:00 PM Thread Starter
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Did I violate a boundary by asking her to take her walls down?

Sooooo I have a bit of a tendency to chase emotionally unavailable women or women with avoidant styles of attachment. They aren't really giving their share in an emotional exchange and I more than overcompensate.

Was speaking to a woman from my past and we were kinda rehashing details and I could feel her walls up. I really wanted an open and honest conversation about what happened between us and expressed that. "Can we please have an open and honest conversation...but could you take your walls down for just five minutes?"

She became flustered and stuttered.

"I've been so direct with you!" She snapped. "I don't know where this is coming from. You are making me so uncomfortable right now! So uncomfortable! I'm going to bed"

And then she hung up on me. She said she didn't know where this was coming from, but the night before when she and I had spoken, had admitted to being emotionally unavailable.

Did I violate a boundary by asking to take down her walls? Would I have ever received a balanced emotional exchange with her? Why the heck am I so open with thee kinda women?

I asked her to take her walls down in a very kind voice and she knows me well enough, but she snapped at me in anger. It felt like she was talking down to me as a subordinate.

Why in the hell do I keep being attracted to these kinda women?

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post #2 of 6 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 03:11 PM
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Re: Did I violate a boundary by asking her to take her walls down?

Have you and your husband divorced?

You've got to dump the dental hygienist lady, she doesn't care about you.

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post #3 of 6 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 03:13 PM
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Re: Did I violate a boundary by asking her to take her walls down?

It sounds like you need to figure out not just why your picker is broken and how to fix it, but also why you seem to be in to pain-shopping. Long talks with exes about why the relationship ended are pretty much guaranteed to leave at least one of the participants with hurt feelings. You would likely get far better results if you would stop trying to change or fix other people and sort out your own picker-problems.

You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly upon our own point of view. - Obi Wan Kenobi
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post #4 of 6 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 03:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Did I violate a boundary by asking her to take her walls down?

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Originally Posted by MrsAldi View Post
Have you and your husband divorced?

You've got to dump the dental hygienist lady, she doesn't care about you.

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We're in the middle of it. This isn't the dental hygienist, that ended a while ago.
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post #5 of 6 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 03:15 PM
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Re: Did I violate a boundary by asking her to take her walls down?

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Originally Posted by cali_chick View Post
Sooooo I have a bit of a tendency to chase emotionally unavailable women or women with avoidant styles of attachment. They aren't really giving their share in an emotional exchange and I more than overcompensate.

Was speaking to a woman from my past and we were kinda rehashing details and I could feel her walls up. I really wanted an open and honest conversation about what happened between us and expressed that. "Can we please have an open and honest conversation...but could you take your walls down for just five minutes?"

She became flustered and stuttered.

"I've been so direct with you!" She snapped. "I don't know where this is coming from. You are making me so uncomfortable right now! So uncomfortable! I'm going to bed"

And then she hung up on me. She said she didn't know where this was coming from, but the night before when she and I had spoken, had admitted to being emotionally unavailable.

Did I violate a boundary by asking to take down her walls? Would I have ever received a balanced emotional exchange with her? Why the heck am I so open with thee kinda women?

I asked her to take her walls down in a very kind voice and she knows me well enough, but she snapped at me in anger. It felt like she was talking down to me as a subordinate.

Why in the hell do I keep being attracted to these kinda women?

Like you said, they are emotionally unavailable so you trying to take down their walls is obviously going to tick them off. Usually this kind of detachment is a defense mechanism. Certain people have been hurt in the past and don't want to trust again. Being unavailable is a way to avoid the future pain.

Why are you into these types of women, is the real question. Did your mother also ignore you so it would explain why you gravitate towards these types. Do you have low self-esteem and prefer ppl that semi-ignore you then you get emotional and want them to open up?

Even if I don't get likes for it, I'm still going to say it.
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post #6 of 6 (permalink) Old 11-17-2016, 03:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Did I violate a boundary by asking her to take her walls down?

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Originally Posted by EunuchMonk View Post
Like you said, they are emotionally unavailable so you trying to take down their walls is obviously going to tick them off. Usually this kind of detachment is a defense mechanism. Certain people have been hurt in the past and don't want to trust again. Being unavailable is a way to avoid the future pain.

Why are you into these types of women, is the real question. Did your mother also ignore you so it would explain why you gravitate towards these types. Do you have low self-esteem and prefer ppl that semi-ignore you then you get emotional and want them to open up?
Yup, my mom occasionally ignores me even now as an adult.

This last woman didn't ignore me, I actually walked away from her...but she was very emotionally unavailable, hot-and-cold about what she wanted, etc.

I feel like I can get them to open up, if I try hard enough. If I just do better or be better, it will work. If I'm honest and vulnerable, maybe they'll do the same.

Obviously, it never works.

Despite my request to have her take her wall down, it would have never happened. The very fact that I had to even ask that question says everything. Yet, there I go, still trying.

I had a brief convo with my therapist and she said, "See, that's the best you would have got out of her. She's very emotionally unavailable at this time and you would have never been happy with her."

Last edited by cali_chick; 11-17-2016 at 03:54 PM.
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