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post #1 of 42 (permalink) Old 05-09-2017, 09:28 PM Thread Starter
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What women want on dating sites

I've been checking out dating sites lately, and it's the same thing as when I checked before. Most every woman writes about how weird the men are on the sites. Some of the quotes are: "so tired of cheaters and liers," "are there no normal men left?" "Don't send me nude pics," "not interested in hook ups." I'm sure you get the picture.

So, whether it be real world or dating site, my question is, "why are women not lining up at the doors of the "normal guys?" There still are some guys out there who aren't just looking to play games and treat women like dirt.

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post #2 of 42 (permalink) Old 05-09-2017, 09:57 PM
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Re: What women want on dating sites

One thing I suggest every online dater do is look at your competition. Go in your search settings (or create a stealth profile) and search for men in your age group, + and - five years on each end. Don't put in any other filters, just the age range. Then look at the pictures, scroll through them all, get a feel for who else women are dating who might be similar to you.

A stealth profile is easier to do this with because a lot of sites will not let you browse profiles without them seeing you...and it can be awkward when a guy sees you've clicked his profile....but find a way to do it and read profiles of men who you feel are in the same attractiveness range as you are, based only on pictures. From there, please take a mental inventory of the profiles and what they say. First of all, you will immediately see many "no drama queens", "if you're looking for a meal ticket, move along", "no one who is married but separated, BTDT", "PLEASE have RECENT pictures, I will NOT be cat fished again!", and so on.

Try to take a special look at what you would consider "normal" guys. See what is normal about them in their profile and see if it would attract your sister or a woman you respect.

This is all just to collect data for yourself, so you have a much wider picture of the whole online dating world.

At a glance it may seem that women over look wonderful "normal" guys all the time. But in my experience, any guy who appears "normal" but has any of the above volatile type of messages in his profile, is going to be bitter - at least a little bit. And that is too much for me (as you have said, you don't like women who display this bitterness either". Also, I've chatted back and forth with several "normal" guys who quickly became hostile toward me if I didn't answer fast enough or in a way they liked. I do not paint other "normal" guys with the same brush, but I'm just saying to you that a guy friend of yours who seems like a totally "normal" guy who can't get lucky could very possibly come across as very bitter and rude to women online.

What do I want at online dating myself....

At times I have just wanted a make out buddy.

At times I have just wanted a boyfriend, but not wanting a long term commitment necessarily.

At times I have wanted a relationship with all the bells and whistles.

At all of these different times, I have been honest in my profile of what I wanted, and I would skip past guys who didn't fit with what I was looking for (ie: if a man said he was ready for marriage on his profile and I just wanted a make out buddy, I would not date him). Not everyone is self-aware enough (men and women) to truly know what they are looking for. And others may be looking for one thing but would change all of that in an instant if they "met the right person". That last group I found were actually the least reliable to be good partners, oddly enough (just my experience, no clue if it is common).

When I have a profile, I usually don't put any picture up. I do say "will be happy to exchange pictures if there is enough mutual interest". I describe myself as fun and sexy, and tell a little about myself and where I'm at in life and what I'm looking for at that time. I'm pretty brief, but there is a bit of mystery to my profile, too. Then I go and look at men's profiles who I think are attractive. This way, no man will ever actually find my profile in a search (no one searches for profiles with no pictures), and ONLY men I find attractive (enough to open their profile) will even see that I exist because they will see I visited their profile.

Sometimes men are intrigued enough by my profile to message me and of course, ask what it takes to see some pictures. Which I completely understand. If I wasn't that impressed by their profile after I read through it, I might not answer. But if I did like what I saw, I will strike up more conversation and text or email pictures to them. From there, it's a quick move to meet for coffee...or in some cases we do keep chatting for a while but nothing ever comes of it. I don't actually mind that, sometimes. If I really wanted to meet a guy for coffee and he wasn't stepping up, I'd say "ok nice chatting and good luck in dating!" and move on. But if he wasn't all that much my type and I didn't have any hopes up about him, and if he is fun and funny and polite in chatting, I don't mind just chatting for awhile and it going nowhere. If people don't have time for that, I get it...but sometimes it is fun for me. I just get into asking them how the dating scene is going for them and other questions. A lot of times this is how I get the best dating stories.

Sometimes a guy is interesting enough to me for me to message him first. Once in awhile they don't answer due to lack of picture, I assume, but they usually do answer. Out of curiosity mostly, but I've never talked to one that was disappointed in my pictures. I think I have a decent feel for who I could potentially feel mutual attraction with, so if I was attracted to them, they are typically also attracted to me.

This has been a good strategy for me because I only end up talking to men *I* found attractive *first*, and I don't have to waste anyone's time who may be looking at my profile and sending me messages I will never answer (which is what happens if I have pictures posted).
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post #3 of 42 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 11:19 AM
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Re: What women want on dating sites

To answer your question on what I was looking for: an intelligent, funny, mature, emotionally healthy, functional adult man who enjoyed my company and whose company I similarly enjoyed, who liked to do things I thought were fun, who liked to have good conversations, who had no young children, who had a clean record, a clean STD report, and no history of infidelity, who had beliefs and life goals similar to my own, and with whom I shared mutual sexual chemistry/attraction. I was clear that I wanted a relationship, but wasn't in any hurry and wasn't willing to settle just to have one. I also wasn't interested in a casual sexual relationship, and was clear about that as well.

I actually met a nice number of very nice men who would have made someone a wonderful partner. They just weren't right for me, or I for them, and sometimes both. I also encountered more than a handful of men who just wanted to send me lewd messages or pictures of their genitals, just wanted a hook-up, were married, or just otherwise weren't ready for a healthy adult relationship. I encountered one who clearly had deep anger issues that he wasn't apparently interested in concealing. And I chatted for a bit with one man who I came to realize had some definite misogyny going on under his very charming exterior, and whom I was very glad never to have given much personal information to. It's definitely a mixed bag out there.

A lot of people say they want normal, but are actually really attracted to crazy. A lot of people say they are, might even really believe they are, normal, but are actually crazy themselves. In my experience, people who are aggressive about saying they don't like drama, usually are the type who are drawn to drama. And a lot of people who insist that they're "normal" and "nice", are beset with unhealthy attitudes and behaviors. So, my rule was that I didn't make contact with men whose dating profiles loudly proclaimed their disdain for drama or expressed their irritation that women just don't seem to want nice, normal, men. If you're seeing something like that in a woman's profile, keep scrolling on by. People who are angry, resentful, bitter, frustrated, and lashing out at "dating" or at "men/women" aren't typically in a healthy emotional place from which to date. Don't look for people who tell you how "normal" they are, look for people who are just going about their lives actually being whatever passes for your/their brand of "normal".

You'll find that many of the truths we cling to depend greatly upon our own point of view. - Obi Wan Kenobi

Last edited by Rowan; 05-10-2017 at 11:30 AM.
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post #4 of 42 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 05:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: What women want on dating sites

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Originally Posted by Rowan View Post
A lot of people say they want normal, but are actually really attracted to crazy. A lot of people say they are, might even really believe they are, normal, but are actually crazy themselves. In my experience, people who are aggressive about saying they don't like drama, usually are the type who are drawn to drama. And a lot of people who insist that they're "normal" and "nice", are beset with unhealthy attitudes and behaviors. So, my rule was that I didn't make contact with men whose dating profiles loudly proclaimed their disdain for drama or expressed their irritation that women just don't seem to want nice, normal, men. If you're seeing something like that in a woman's profile, keep scrolling on by. People who are angry, resentful, bitter, frustrated, and lashing out at "dating" or at "men/women" aren't typically in a healthy emotional place from which to date. Don't look for people who tell you how "normal" they are, look for people who are just going about their lives actually being whatever passes for your/their brand of "normal".
You make some great points; I feel the same way. I think there are plenty of normal guys out there who wouldn't cheat or treat a woman badly, but they probably lack a craziness in another area that women seem to want. I also agree that people who view themselves as normal are often a little unhealthy in their attitudes.

I just get tired of reading about women wanting normal guys, but they would probably run in the other direction if they encountered a normal guy.

There is nothing more sad or glorious than generations changing hands- John Mellencamp
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post #5 of 42 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 05:33 PM
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Re: What women want on dating sites

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Originally Posted by southbound View Post
I've been checking out dating sites lately, and it's the same thing as when I checked before. Most every woman writes about how weird the men are on the sites. Some of the quotes are: "so tired of cheaters and liers," "are there no normal men left?" "Don't send me nude pics," "not interested in hook ups." I'm sure you get the picture.

So, whether it be real world or dating site, my question is, "why are women not lining up at the doors of the "normal guys?" There still are some guys out there who aren't just looking to play games and treat women like dirt.
"Normal" guys probably meet enough women in the real world that they're not on the dating sites.

Whether it's an online posting or any other form of communication, if an advertisement, or personal note is loaded with "I don't want guys that do this, and I don't want drama and please don't do this...." I pass. Why on Earth would a list of what a person or thing is NOT, give me any reason to contact them? Instead, talk to me about what you DO want or what your service DOES provide!
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post #6 of 42 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 05:47 PM
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Re: What women want on dating sites

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Originally Posted by Faithful Wife View Post
One thing I suggest every online dater do is look at your competition. Go in your search settings (or create a stealth profile) and search for men in your age group, + and - five years on each end. Don't put in any other filters, just the age range. Then look at the pictures, scroll through them all, get a feel for who else women are dating who might be similar to you.

A stealth profile is easier to do this with because a lot of sites will not let you browse profiles without them seeing you...and it can be awkward when a guy sees you've clicked his profile....but find a way to do it and read profiles of men who you feel are in the same attractiveness range as you are, based only on pictures. From there, please take a mental inventory of the profiles and what they say. First of all, you will immediately see many "no drama queens", "if you're looking for a meal ticket, move along", "no one who is married but separated, BTDT", "PLEASE have RECENT pictures, I will NOT be cat fished again!", and so on.

Try to take a special look at what you would consider "normal" guys. See what is normal about them in their profile and see if it would attract your sister or a woman you respect.

This is all just to collect data for yourself, so you have a much wider picture of the whole online dating world.

At a glance it may seem that women over look wonderful "normal" guys all the time. But in my experience, any guy who appears "normal" but has any of the above volatile type of messages in his profile, is going to be bitter - at least a little bit. And that is too much for me (as you have said, you don't like women who display this bitterness either". Also, I've chatted back and forth with several "normal" guys who quickly became hostile toward me if I didn't answer fast enough or in a way they liked. I do not paint other "normal" guys with the same brush, but I'm just saying to you that a guy friend of yours who seems like a totally "normal" guy who can't get lucky could very possibly come across as very bitter and rude to women online.

What do I want at online dating myself....

At times I have just wanted a make out buddy.

At times I have just wanted a boyfriend, but not wanting a long term commitment necessarily.

At times I have wanted a relationship with all the bells and whistles.

At all of these different times, I have been honest in my profile of what I wanted, and I would skip past guys who didn't fit with what I was looking for (ie: if a man said he was ready for marriage on his profile and I just wanted a make out buddy, I would not date him). Not everyone is self-aware enough (men and women) to truly know what they are looking for. And others may be looking for one thing but would change all of that in an instant if they "met the right person". That last group I found were actually the least reliable to be good partners, oddly enough (just my experience, no clue if it is common).

When I have a profile, I usually don't put any picture up. I do say "will be happy to exchange pictures if there is enough mutual interest". I describe myself as fun and sexy, and tell a little about myself and where I'm at in life and what I'm looking for at that time. I'm pretty brief, but there is a bit of mystery to my profile, too. Then I go and look at men's profiles who I think are attractive. This way, no man will ever actually find my profile in a search (no one searches for profiles with no pictures), and ONLY men I find attractive (enough to open their profile) will even see that I exist because they will see I visited their profile.

Sometimes men are intrigued enough by my profile to message me and of course, ask what it takes to see some pictures. Which I completely understand. If I wasn't that impressed by their profile after I read through it, I might not answer. But if I did like what I saw, I will strike up more conversation and text or email pictures to them. From there, it's a quick move to meet for coffee...or in some cases we do keep chatting for a while but nothing ever comes of it. I don't actually mind that, sometimes. If I really wanted to meet a guy for coffee and he wasn't stepping up, I'd say "ok nice chatting and good luck in dating!" and move on. But if he wasn't all that much my type and I didn't have any hopes up about him, and if he is fun and funny and polite in chatting, I don't mind just chatting for awhile and it going nowhere. If people don't have time for that, I get it...but sometimes it is fun for me. I just get into asking them how the dating scene is going for them and other questions. A lot of times this is how I get the best dating stories.

Sometimes a guy is interesting enough to me for me to message him first. Once in awhile they don't answer due to lack of picture, I assume, but they usually do answer. Out of curiosity mostly, but I've never talked to one that was disappointed in my pictures. I think I have a decent feel for who I could potentially feel mutual attraction with, so if I was attracted to them, they are typically also attracted to me.

This has been a good strategy for me because I only end up talking to men *I* found attractive *first*, and I don't have to waste anyone's time who may be looking at my profile and sending me messages I will never answer (which is what happens if I have pictures posted).
Doesn't seem fair to me that you expect pics of guys for your convenience but you don't post any of yourself. I won't entertain profiles without pics. Seems like a wasted opportunity to me. If you're on site to meet people do everything to increase your chances.
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post #7 of 42 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 06:49 PM
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Re: What women want on dating sites

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Doesn't seem fair to me that you expect pics of guys for your convenience but you don't post any of yourself. I won't entertain profiles without pics. Seems like a wasted opportunity to me. If you're on site to meet people do everything to increase your chances.
I don't "expect" anyone to do anything, but most guys do have pics, so I look at their pics to determine if I feel attracted to them. What is "unfair" about me not having pics on my profile, and who is it "unfair" to? Some dudes I don't know who want to just browse profiles? Sorry, not my problem.

When I click on a guy's profile, they usually read mine even though I have no pics posted (you can see when someone has looked at your profile so I know when they look at mine after I've looked at theirs). Then if we message each other and there is mutual interest, I share my pics with them right away. If they don't message me after reading my profile with no pics, not a problem for me. I'm not worried or concerned about it.

As to the bolded, quite frankly I've never had any trouble meeting people, whether online or in person. I am a man magnet. So I don't have to "do anything" to increase my "chances". The chances that I'll meet a guy are always 100%.

However, it actually does increase my chances of meeting someone online when I do NOT post pics on my profile, because when I DO post pictures I get so many messages from people I have no interest in that I quickly get overwhelmed, don't want to wade through them all, and end up not noticing guys who might actually interest me because their message gets buried so deep among the other messages.

Doing it my way, I am only talking to men I already know I find attractive, and they have pictures of me within 2 back and forth messages.

Whatever your problem is with my way of doing this obviously has nothing to do with me. I'm a very successful dater and always have been. This method for me (no pics on the profile) works the best for me. Not one man has ever been harmed by my not having pictures on an online dating profile!

Last edited by Faithful Wife; 05-10-2017 at 06:54 PM.
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post #8 of 42 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 07:44 PM
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Wink Re: What women want on dating sites

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I don't "expect" anyone to do anything, but most guys do have pics, so I look at their pics to determine if I feel attracted to them. What is "unfair" about me not having pics on my profile, and who is it "unfair" to? Some dudes I don't know who want to just browse profiles? Sorry, not my problem.

When I click on a guy's profile, they usually read mine even though I have no pics posted (you can see when someone has looked at your profile so I know when they look at mine after I've looked at theirs). Then if we message each other and there is mutual interest, I share my pics with them right away. If they don't message me after reading my profile with no pics, not a problem for me. I'm not worried or concerned about it.

As to the bolded, quite frankly I've never had any trouble meeting people, whether online or in person. I am a man magnet. So I don't have to "do anything" to increase my "chances". The chances that I'll meet a guy are always 100%.

However, it actually does increase my chances of meeting someone online when I do NOT post pics on my profile, because when I DO post pictures I get so many messages from people I have no interest in that I quickly get overwhelmed, don't want to wade through them all, and end up not noticing guys who might actually interest me because their message gets buried so deep among the other messages.

Doing it my way, I am only talking to men I already know I find attractive, and they have pictures of me within 2 back and forth messages.

Whatever your problem is with my way of doing this obviously has nothing to do with me. I'm a very successful dater and always have been. This method for me (no pics on the profile) works the best for me. Not one man has ever been harmed by my not having pictures on an online dating profile!
OK, got it.......It's all about you. You would have missed me, though........I hate to see anyone suffer needlessly............
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post #9 of 42 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 07:53 PM
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Re: What women want on dating sites

@southbound, Do you live in a big city with lots of singles? Just join clubs and do the things that you like.

It was difficult for me to get excited over the profiles. So I just cancelled my membership.
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post #10 of 42 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 07:54 PM
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Re: What women want on dating sites

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OK, got it.......It's all about you. You would have missed me, though........I hate to see anyone suffer needlessly............

Um well, yes. MY dating life is all about ME. Should I instead make it about the 100,000 other online daters who I will never meet?

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post #11 of 42 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 08:51 PM
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Re: What women want on dating sites

LOL, makes perfect sense to me.
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post #12 of 42 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 08:55 PM
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Re: What women want on dating sites

Knowing there is at least 1 supposed man magnet (I'll take you at your word!) with no pics it seems like an opportunity if one was trying to get through to give it a chance. I've heard women DO get overwhelmed with responses. One is giving you a hint on how to find a pool with a better chance, seems to be worth 2 messages to get a look.
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post #13 of 42 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 08:57 PM
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Re: What women want on dating sites

When i was on dating sites I was definitely looking for a decent guy with integrity and honesty and good values. There were quite a few (these were Christian sites). I have no idea why men think that sending a pic of their genitals is in ANY way appealing.
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post #14 of 42 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 09:00 PM
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Re: What women want on dating sites

Excessive over confidence would probably be a red flag for me if I was using dating sites :-)


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post #15 of 42 (permalink) Old 05-10-2017, 09:09 PM
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Re: What women want on dating sites

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When i was on dating sites I was definitely looking for a decent guy with integrity and honesty and good values. There were quite a few (these were Christian sites). I have no idea why men think that sending a pic of their genitals is in ANY way appealing.
Depends on the genitals.
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