Should I stay or leave my therapist?
These are two separate issues in one. I'm a bi female seeing a straight female therapist who is a few years younger than I am. I'm not sure if I should stay or leave her, because we've hit a few hiccups lately. I'm unsure what to expect from a therapist.
I began getting lap dances from a woman who slightly resembled her and when I realized this, it freaked me out. I came clean and admitted it to her, to help me sort it out, and at the end of one session, she told me she goes to strip clubs to laugh at them. At the end of the next session, she told me she could have had a much different career because was invited to "open strip club dance night" but she declined. Then, at the end of another session when I told her, "Maybe you don't look too much like the stripper? Maybe it's only your similar hairstyle?"
She replied, "You know we look much more alike than just our hairstyles."
Is it just me, or would have this have made anyone uncomfortable?
I have attachment issues (mainly, fearful avoidant). Getting too close to anyone freaks me out and it activates my nervous system. It was pointed out to me that I do things to depersonalize people in my life...I don't store contacts in my phone, even long term friends, and limit it to only close family members. I also don't call people by their names, instead, giving them "titles."
In April of this year, I admitted to "therapist" that I had stored her as a contact in my phone. She jokingly replied, "It was about time. Its' only been a year."
In June of this year, by a certain set of circumstances, I discovered I was "attached" to her. This freaked me out. She and I talked about it and agreed that if she could provide secure attachment, it might be a healing experience for me.
Last week, she and I had an argument about my course of treatment. We disagreed, I got up to leave, and turned back to her and said, "I know I owe you money. I'll mail in your payments." To which she replied, "Nice. Really nice." She'd later say that this was me basically saying, "F-ck you, Jessica." That isn't what I meant and I almost feel like she doesn't know me.
She contacted me last week and asked me to come back. When I did, I went back to hear how I've wanted her to fail. That I've been looking for reasons for her to not succeed and how I'm putting all the blame and pointing all the fingers at her. I told her that wasn't true...I was helping her to help me. I told her I needed her to truly "see me," to which she asked, "What does this mean? Validation?" and then went on to say, "See, it's about me and what I'm not doing." No, I'm telling you what I need from here on out.
She made mention of my relationships..."You're the one harming them, not me. I don't care if I'm in your phone or not, maybe they (my friends) do, but I don't. It's your relationships, not mine."
And I can't begin to tell you the level of guilt and shame, along with the rejection I felt. I sat there and took it, clamming up. I didn't want her to see my pain and no longer trusted her. I felt myself closing off. For her to say she didn't care if she was in my phone or not, after she knew she was (since April) and we've been lightly discussing the topic ever since...I felt like I was a child all over again. It hurt so bad because of the symbolism behind. She's an "attachment figure" to me. For my attachment figure to reject me like that...wow. Very painful.
I don't think I'd open myself up to her again. I'm now very protective of myself. But I've stuck with her for over a year now. I'm a very loyal person, but I don't want to get hurt and just 5 minutes before that, I told her that now that I'm "attached" to her, she had the capability of really cutting me with her words. Then that.
I dunno what to do.