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post #1 of 111 (permalink) Old 01-09-2018, 05:37 PM Thread Starter
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Question about porn

Married 30 years. We have a good working relationship. We are nice to one another. We were separated year 20-22, so we have been back together for 8 years.

My husband never asks for sex. If I do, he agrees. He has been this way as long as I remember. He said when we were separated he had a problem with porn, and I know he gave it up for a while. At that time we had more sex. He is not a very good lover - he is lazy, honestly. He does not do oral, and if I do not orgasm during PIV, he will lay with me while I masturbate, but he makes no move to help. When I ask him to or show him what I want, he just says he does not know what he is doing. Lazy.

So, over the last 18 months I have caught him masturbating in bed next to me several times. I have just let him finish and not said anything. I know he is looking at porn. The other night we fell asleep in front of the tv. I woke up to find him masturbating to porn. I got up and went to bed. He came in and wanted to have sex. I said no. He has plenty of opportunity to have sex with me and never does. Long ago I gave up on him satisfying me (I have asked, showed, suggested..forget about it...he won't even wear a pair of red silk underwear I got him one year for valentine's day) He has never bought me lingerie, but the bought it for his mistress when he was cheating.

I finally just blurted out and asked him if he was not attracted to me. I told him it was ok, because we really have a good relationship on the whole. I just want to know what the situation is. He said he loves me, he loves my body, I am cute, etc, etc.

I am beginning to realize that the porn is much more often than I had thought. I am not adverse to porn. We used to watch it together (but that was before we separated, and looking back he was very into porn at the time). He will not watch it with me now - I have asked.

I am hurt and insulted. It's like he has his entire sex life and it has nothing to do with me. I long ago gave up on initiating because he never does (and yes, I have talked to him about this and all these issues).

Any suggestions? I have been ready to leave him over this issue, though I have not told him that. Thanks.

Edit: would you leave over this? If I do, I will not date or remarry. I am not interested in other men.


Last edited by NickyT; 01-09-2018 at 05:57 PM.
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post #2 of 111 (permalink) Old 01-09-2018, 05:42 PM
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Re: Question about porn

Yup - I understand.

My ex-husband chose silence, pornography, and masterbation over creating a healthy sexual relationship with me.

I'm very sorry for what you're going through.
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post #3 of 111 (permalink) Old 01-09-2018, 05:45 PM
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Re: Question about porn

He is being very unloving and disrespectful. Porn can make men very lazy about having a proper sex life with a real life woman. IN your position I would say, you stop the porn totally and start making an effort to have a good sex life with me or I leave. I would never put up with what you do.
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post #4 of 111 (permalink) Old 01-09-2018, 05:52 PM
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Yup - I understand.

My ex-husband chose silence, pornography, and masterbation over creating a healthy sexual relationship with me.

I'm very sorry for what you're going through.
Ditto here.
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post #5 of 111 (permalink) Old 01-09-2018, 05:57 PM
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Re: Question about porn

If this was a momentary problem I would suggest work things through..sort things out..get to the heart of the problem. This sounds to have been going on for a long time and you seem to be communicating with him. Porn is a problem when there is a healthy, sexually open person involved (you) and but the porn takes priority.

What do you want to do? Are you done with crap sex? (Been there done that)
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post #6 of 111 (permalink) Old 01-09-2018, 06:00 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Question about porn

@Livvie, @Diana7, @minimalME - would you leave over this issue? I have no interest in other men. I have not been with another man for 30 years and have no desire for any other man I see. I think my husband is a cutie. He dated when we were separated (actually, before...) but I did not. I like the idea of an ultimatum.
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post #7 of 111 (permalink) Old 01-09-2018, 06:07 PM
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Re: Question about porn

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Originally Posted by NickyT View Post
@Livvie, @Diana7, @minimalME - would you leave over this issue? I have no interest in other men. I have not been with another man for 30 years and have no desire for any other man I see. I think my husband is a cutie. He dated when we were separated (actually, before...) but I did not. I like the idea of an ultimatum.
I don't like threats, and divorce is really painful.

From what you've written, it sounds like an addiction. Do you think he's willing to work on this? Does he deny it? Can you talk openly about it?

I have a friend who's husband was addicted to pain killers. She's one of the strongest women I know. She created boundaries to protect herself - separating finances, then finally moving in with her parents. He DID change, and their marriage has been getting stronger for quite some time now.

I think it really depends on the individuals involved.
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post #8 of 111 (permalink) Old 01-09-2018, 06:18 PM
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Re: Question about porn

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Originally Posted by NickyT View Post
@Livvie, @Diana7, @minimalME - would you leave over this issue? I have no interest in other men. I have not been with another man for 30 years and have no desire for any other man I see. I think my husband is a cutie. He dated when we were separated (actually, before...) but I did not. I like the idea of an ultimatum.
I know a lady whose husband had been using porn for many years. She eventually got so fed up with it, she gave him an ultimatum, the porn or me. Guess what, he stopped. He knew she meant it. Once he knew he would loose his marriage he stopped. That's what I would do. Otherwise where are the consequences? Then the ball is in his court isn't it.
If he refuses you may need to separate and tell him that if he changes his mind he knows where you are.
I would not live with a man who did this.
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post #9 of 111 (permalink) Old 01-09-2018, 06:20 PM
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Re: Question about porn

I have no objection to porn in general, but I think it becomes a problem if it is interfering with a couple's sex life or if it is in any way replacing a partner for sex. In your case those things seem to be happening, so I think it is a problem.

It sounds like he is not only ignoring you for porn, but when he does have sex, he is a lazy, selfish lover. That is absolutely not OK.

I'm well aware that a 30 year marriage is not something to be thrown away lightly, but this is a really big problem and you shouldn't have to live like this. Have you tried counseling to see if a 3rd party can get him to understand just how serious this is?
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post #10 of 111 (permalink) Old 01-09-2018, 06:22 PM
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Originally Posted by NickyT View Post
@Livvie, @Diana7, @minimalME - would you leave over this issue? I have no interest in other men. I have not been with another man for 30 years and have no desire for any other man I see. I think my husband is a cutie. He dated when we were separated (actually, before...) but I did not. I like the idea of an ultimatum.
If the relationship is otherwise good, maybe it can be solved, but you absolutely have to talk about it.

Maybe counseling/ sex therapy would work? Would he be open to solving the issue?

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post #11 of 111 (permalink) Old 01-09-2018, 06:31 PM
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Re: Question about porn

since you've been married 30 years, I am assuming he is in his 50s. And since he was never a ball of fire in bed, the fact he is draining the tank to porn means there is nothing really left for you.

Porn is basically his new mistress.

He brings home a paycheck, changes the oil in your car, tells you you are cute and then in the mean time he makes love to glowing, electronic screen..... ie his mistress.

Just as with a flesh and blood mistress, you have the right to say, "her or me."

and with a flesh and blood mistress, words mean very little and actions mean everything. If he continues to spend his sexual energies on her instead of you, then you have your answer regardless of what he says out of his mouth.

What would you do if he were spending all his sexual energies on a flesh and blood mistress??

Do you really see any difference here with the electronic mistress?
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post #12 of 111 (permalink) Old 01-09-2018, 07:19 PM
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Given what you described, I would leave, yes.

But since you are not interested in other men, could you stay and just put an end to any partnered sex with him? Maybe even separate bedrooms? I'm only suggesting this because divorce is expensive, and if you don't have the goal of finding a better relationship, maybe you can work out the logistics of a platonic marriage with him.
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post #13 of 111 (permalink) Old 01-10-2018, 12:41 AM
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Re: Question about porn

Why did you return to him after a long separation?
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post #14 of 111 (permalink) Old 01-10-2018, 02:32 PM
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Sounds like a real gentleman. You should have kicked him out the first time you caught him. Being "cool" with porn only allowed it to grow into an addiction. Most men hide their porn, and a few abstain completely out of love for their wives, God, or children (yeah, porn hurts kids too).
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post #15 of 111 (permalink) Old 01-10-2018, 02:45 PM
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Re: Question about porn

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Originally Posted by Diana7 View Post
She eventually got so fed up with it, she gave him an ultimatum, the porn or me. Guess what, he stopped.
And he resented her for the rest of his life.
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