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post #991 of 1274 (permalink) Old 06-02-2018, 06:31 AM
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Re: Lying about sexual past - is it harmless?

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Probably for the same reason you can’t be honest with him.
This is so incredibly sad. And, it's ironic, indeed. It is the same reason.....shame. She's ashamed of her past, and he's ashamed of his. They are both going to have to deal with the shame, put it behind them, if the marriage has any chance at all.

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I'm afraid your marriage is toast.
I'm afraid you're right. Every passing day with their unchanged situation brings them closer to the toaster. This thread is now more than 5 months long. There's been no report of any changes.

I can't see how either one of them could possibly want to continue this.


Last edited by TJW; 06-02-2018 at 06:40 AM.
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post #992 of 1274 (permalink) Old 06-02-2018, 09:10 AM
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Re: Lying about sexual past - is it harmless?

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This is so incredibly sad. And, it's ironic, indeed. It is the same reason.....shame. She's ashamed of her past, and he's ashamed of his. They are both going to have to deal with the shame, put it behind them, if the marriage has any chance at all.



I'm afraid you're right. Every passing day with their unchanged situation brings them closer to the toaster. This thread is now more than 5 months long. There's been no report of any changes.

I can't see how either one of them could possibly want to continue this.
Thats because she refuses to be honest with him. Nothing will change until their marriage has honesty and openness.
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post #993 of 1274 (permalink) Old 06-02-2018, 09:10 AM
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Re: Lying about sexual past - is it harmless?

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This is so incredibly sad. And, it's ironic, indeed. It is the same reason.....shame. She's ashamed of her past, and he's ashamed of his. They are both going to have to deal with the shame, put it behind them, if the marriage has any chance at all.



I'm afraid you're right. Every passing day with their unchanged situation brings them closer to the toaster. This thread is now more than 5 months long. There's been no report of any changes.

I can't see how either one of them could possibly want to continue this.
Why should he be ashamed of his past?

More to say but I never meant her husband should feel any shame on his part. He is the victim of a callus, lying and remorseless woman.
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post #994 of 1274 (permalink) Old 06-02-2018, 09:40 AM
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Re: Lying about sexual past - is it harmless?

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Why should he be ashamed of his past?
He could possibly be ashamed of his non-experience, in light of his wife's experience. Young men hardly ever judge themselves upon their virtues. More often, they derive their self-esteem from how successful they have been with women. I'm sure he feels inadequate.....because he sees himself as an utter failure, and thoroughly rejected by his wife, who is his only "experience". All his experience has, therefore, been bad.

The OP says that she "won't compare" - but this entire thread is based upon nothing other than comparison. I'm relatively sure her husband "feels" this, compares himself, and finds himself lacking. Hence, shame.

I hate to say this, in a certain way, but believe it to be true.....that he would be better off in this situation if he had about 10 women before marriage.

I hate to say it, because I know that God's ideal is what he maintained, and I always like to think of God's way as the best way. Perhaps I just see a "loophole" here....
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post #995 of 1274 (permalink) Old 06-02-2018, 11:16 PM
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Re: Lying about sexual past - is it harmless?

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He could possibly be ashamed of his non-experience, in light of his wife's experience. Young men hardly ever judge themselves upon their virtues. More often, they derive their self-esteem from how successful they have been with women. I'm sure he feels inadequate.....because he sees himself as an utter failure, and thoroughly rejected by his wife, who is his only "experience". All his experience has, therefore, been bad.

The OP says that she "won't compare" - but this entire thread is based upon nothing other than comparison. I'm relatively sure her husband "feels" this, compares himself, and finds himself lacking. Hence, shame.

I hate to say this, in a certain way, but believe it to be true.....that he would be better off in this situation if he had about 10 women before marriage.

I hate to say it, because I know that God's ideal is what he maintained, and I always like to think of God's way as the best way. Perhaps I just see a "loophole" here....
He has no clue apparently that she had been very active. But I always knew when my wife just wasnít into it at times. Iím sure the first time they were together and he slid right in, something of the truth went through his mind.

Why should he had. He told op from the start of their friendship that he was wanting. Then she would go off and get her brains fíd out. O I forgot she told her husband that she was waiting as well at that time. She has done this herself.
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post #996 of 1274 (permalink) Old 06-03-2018, 05:31 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Lying about sexual past - is it harmless?

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Why should he be ashamed of his past?

More to say but I never meant her husband should feel any shame on his part. He is the victim of a callus, lying and remorseless woman.
I'm the only one that needs to be ashamed here. He did the right thing and lived life according to God's way. I lived in the gutter.

I'm not remorseless. I will accept punishment for everything for the rest of my life and i will burn in hell for everything I did. Believe me that i'm not without shame.
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post #997 of 1274 (permalink) Old 06-03-2018, 07:13 AM
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Re: Lying about sexual past - is it harmless?

So tell him already!!

Take your last shot at trying to fix this mess that you have made.

Don't be afraid to be honest. Better late than never.
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post #998 of 1274 (permalink) Old 06-03-2018, 07:27 AM
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Re: Lying about sexual past - is it harmless?

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I'm the only one that needs to be ashamed here. He did the right thing and lived life according to God's way. I lived in the gutter.

I'm not remorseless. I will accept punishment for everything for the rest of my life and i will burn in hell for everything I did. Believe me that i'm not without shame.
You dont seem to understand anything about forgiveness and repentance. If you have repented to God for what you did and the lying and deception, then you are forgiven by Him now. However, part of that repentance is that you need to
repent to your husband as well.
Even if you are forgiven, there will still be consequences. Yes its possible that he may end the marriage, that may be one consequence of the lies and deception, but you may be surprised. God is working in the situation and he may well be preparing your husband. However, you must do your part. This cant carry on, you and the marriage are being very badly affected by this and it will almost certainly come out sooner or later. Far better to tell him now. You will feel so much better and its the right thing, YOU know that.
Just do it, write him a letter if its easier, but just get it over with. The longer you leave it the worse it will be for you and the marriage. Its not right to have any children until this has been done.

Last edited by Diana7; 06-03-2018 at 07:34 AM.
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post #999 of 1274 (permalink) Old 06-03-2018, 07:37 AM
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Re: Lying about sexual past - is it harmless?

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I'm the only one that needs to be ashamed here. He did the right thing and lived life according to God's way. I lived in the gutter.



I'm not remorseless. I will accept punishment for everything for the rest of my life and i will burn in hell for everything I did. Believe me that i'm not without shame.


Why so self deprecative? Re the hell thing: just confess to a priest (he wonít tell anyone; I guess?) and you are good to go. Isnít it how it works?
Although...you donít really believe in hell, do you? If you feel itís preferable to live in blissful ignorance now than to spend an eternity in paradise.
Eternity is reaaaally long time.
Although for me, living with a husband who doesnít want to **** me like he means it would seem like eternity in hell as well. (If I was a womanz, that is).


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post #1000 of 1274 (permalink) Old 06-03-2018, 07:40 AM
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Re: Lying about sexual past - is it harmless?

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....you need to

repent to your husband as well.

Where does it say this?




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post #1001 of 1274 (permalink) Old 06-03-2018, 07:41 AM
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Re: Lying about sexual past - is it harmless?

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Why so self deprecative? Re the hell thing: just confess to a priest (he won’t tell anyone; I guess?) and you are good to go. Isn’t it how it works?
Although...you don’t really believe in hell, do you? If you feel it’s preferable to live in blissful ignorance now than to spend an eternity in paradise.
Eternity is reaaaally long time.
Although for me, living with a husband who doesn’t want to **** me like he means it would seem like eternity in hell as well. (If I was a womanz, that is).


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Thats the RC way. She actually can confess to God directly but He will almost certainly want her to do the same to her husband.
Christians believe in hell yes. We also believe in heaven.

Hell cant be compared to a so so sex life.
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post #1002 of 1274 (permalink) Old 06-03-2018, 07:48 AM
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Lying about sexual past - is it harmless?

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Thats the RC way. She actually can confess to God directly but He will almost certainly want her to do the same to her husband.
Christians believe in hell yes. We also believe in heaven.
I meant that she canít really believe in hell if she feels itís better to spend eternity in hell than to tell her husband and suffer mild embarrassment for...10 minutes. That seems like an irrational choice.

Btw would she also have to go to hell if she left him for somebody more compatible?

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Hell cant be compared to a so so sex life.

If being desired is all you ever wanted and you have to live the rest of your life not being desired then why not?
What is actually going down in hell thatís so much worse? Does anyone have reliable intel on this?



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post #1003 of 1274 (permalink) Old 06-03-2018, 07:55 AM
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Re: Lying about sexual past - is it harmless?

the shame here is not so much about the honesty with our past, let us not forgot it is our past that helps define who we are and what we want, and what we don't want. it helps us as we move forward in cultivating that relationship we seek not just in the person we find but as well as what we want out of the relationship, and yes that includes sex...what you have here is a stalemate...the game can not go forward and will never move until someone makes that move. here is a recommendation if you are to scare about telling him what you want....then rent movie or a book about it and tell him you have always been curious about trying this or that and you wan to did it with him. Piece together something a marriage that will satisfy the both of you
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post #1004 of 1274 (permalink) Old 06-03-2018, 08:05 AM
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Re: Lying about sexual past - is it harmless?

Does anyone actually believe their sex life will suddenly take off when she tells him details about her past sexual encounters?

Why not see if the sex thing can be fixed first with her husband and then think whether itís worth it staying in a sexless marriage.

The way JTW writes is clear: her mind thinks she should stay and pretend to be this Ďgood Christian wifeí but her body doesnít want to.

Does anyone want to take a guess what usually happens in those circumstances? This whole deliberation to tell or not to tell is potentially a huge waste of time if their marriage is going to fall apart anyway.
(Sorry to be pessimistic but this has happened many times before. Over and over.)



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post #1005 of 1274 (permalink) Old 06-03-2018, 10:21 AM
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Re: Lying about sexual past - is it harmless?

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I will accept punishment for everything for the rest of my life and i will burn in hell for everything I did. Believe me that i'm not without shame.
@Diana7 has told you the gospel truth. And, that's not just an adage.... I mean, the gospel of our Lord Jesus Christ does, incredibly, and wonderfully, indeed tell us exactly what Diana told you.

The bible quotes the Lord Himself saying that hell was not made for man, rather for the devil and his angels. You can spend eternity with God, and with countless others who have repented of their sin, and their lives have been changed, forever, by the truth of this gospel. It is your choice....the Lord is also quoted in the bible as saying "....I have set before you life, and death....therefore, choose life....that you may live....".

His choice is offered to all people, rich and poor, young and old, experienced and not experienced. The itinerant preacher who wrote roughly half of the New Testament was once a terrorist who participated in the killing of christians... The credited author of the first 5 books of the Old Testament, Moses, was also the murderer of an Egyptian slave-driver. Yet, through forgiveness, and faith in God, these men's lives were utterly transformed by God's intervention (because they asked Him, and accepted Him) to the degree they led numerous other people to the "turning point" where they made their decision to ask God to intervene in their lives, and make them what He intended them to be.....

It is not an immediate process. The Lord works on us over years, and decades, through times when we are attentive to Him, and times when we "backslide", allow lies to come into our thought process. He is there when we make right decisions, and He is there when we make wrong decisions.

But like any journey, it begins with a single step.

You are a believer. I can tell that from reading your words. I know that you know God not only exists, but that He is the creator, that you are made in His image, but you are coming to know that He is your Savior.

There is one thing, in your life, that is more important, and more urgent, than telling your husband about your past. And, that is, that you go to God Himself, just as Diana told you, admit your sins, and begin to receive His mercy and His forgiveness. It begins with a simple, single prayer.
It is a prayer that God has been waiting to hear from you since He sent you to the world through your mother's womb. He has been there with you, in everything you have done, in everything you have learned, in your parents, in your schoolteachers. He is interested in every aspect of your life, from your marriage, to your eventual children, to your extended family, your career, your church.

To quote an old gospel song:

Your hands were made to help your neighbor.....
Your eyes were made to read God's word....

Today is the day you can begin to become what God made you to be.....one of those things is a wonderful and Godly christian wife.....

My love in Christ and my prayers are with you.
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