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post #16 of 259 (permalink) Old 07-05-2019, 10:19 PM
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Re: How do I get her back?

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So I've been talking with a woman, and both of us like each other a lot (we did, at least). But I said something, that she took in the total opposite way that I intended, and now won't speak to me. Here's the timeline.

At the beginning of the week, we were talking on the phone about something. I'm a deep thinker, and love having theoretical discussions about subjects, outside of their personal application. So I asked her what she thought about a particular viewpoint, that was contrary to the one she holds. I did this purely from a desire to spark a discussion, and see if we could learn more about the subject together. I played devil's advocate when she made particular assertions, but not in an aggressive way, but merely asking her what she thought about the counter-point. But she, being very passionate about the issue, took it as me taking the opposite position. I'm not going to specify what the issue is, but suffice to say that it's a very important, very sensitive issue.

The strange thing, is that she didn't react negatively right away. We got together for a date two days later, and I thought we were at a "transition point" in our relationship. I was ready to progress things, so I asked her how she felt about me, and the relationship between us. She said that she liked me as much as ever, and that her feelings had only grown. That she wanted things to work out between us.

Shortly after said date, she sends me a text, telling me it's over. As the reason, the gives me the issue I already described above. And tells me that I clearly have no respect for her beliefs, or her convictions, because I sought to cast them down, or invalidate them. When that was never ever my intent. I just wanted to have a discussion, and never meant to attack her point of view.

So, needless to say, her text nearly gave me a heart attack. And I've frantically been trying to explain, but she just responded by saying her feelings for me are gone, as a result of my disrespect towards her convictions. And asked me to stop contacting her.

How do I get through to her, and win her back? What can I do to revive the feelings that were there, before this misunderstanding took place?
Dude, you do NOT want this woman back. Right now you're understandably stunned, but think long term: How are you going to have a relationship with a person who will be upset and offended and not only not show it, but tell you the opposite, and then later blind side you like this without even giving you a chance to explain yourself. And then refuses to listed to your attempts at explanation?

You said yourself you like conversations like that and deep thinking. How happy will you really be in a LTR with someone so touchy and mentally rigid? How will you get to relax and be you with her?

I'm sure it's disappointing and bewildering when things seemed so great, and then BOOM. But be glad she showed her crazy as early as she did.

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post #17 of 259 (permalink) Old 07-05-2019, 10:25 PM
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Re: How do I get her back?

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Because I'm not a prideful, or spiteful person, who would let someone's logical reaction to a misunderstanding, get in the way of a good relationship?
I'm sorry Bio -- but where do you find LOGIC in her reaction?

Does a LOGICAL person pretend everything is fine -- even SAY that it is, when they are really upset?
Assuming it took her awhile to digest and pin point the "upset" she was feeling, does a LOGICAL person refuse to even consider the explanation you've given that you were playing devil's advocate because you were interested in the topic and her thoughts on it and had NO IDEA she felt attacked or disrespected? Wouldn't a LOGICAL person realize that they gave only positive feedback at the time and later so this might very well, QUITE LOGICALLY, just be a misunderstanding? Does a LOGICAL person accuse others of disrespect when all they are doing is asking QUESTIONS on a topic about which they are passionate?
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post #18 of 259 (permalink) Old 07-05-2019, 10:35 PM
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Re: How do I get her back?

one more thing @BioFury -- to actually answer your question "how do I get her back?"

Assuming you did tell her that you don't disrespect her opinion at all and you had no idea you were offending her by being curious about a topic about which she is passionate, I think your best chance at getting her back is to let her be. Go dark on her. If you pursue her right now, it won't be attractive to her. I definitely would NOT grovel, as you did nothing wrong. Maybe send her one message like:

I'm really disappointed you no longer want to be friends because I really enjoy your company and loved talking with you, and in fact, thought we were having a nice, stimulating conversation. Unfortunately you see see things differently so I'll let it be. I wish you the best. Consider the door open if you change your perspective on this.

Then go on with your life. If she does come back around you may find you're no longer that attracted to her.
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post #19 of 259 (permalink) Old 07-05-2019, 10:55 PM
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Re: How do I get her back?

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Originally Posted by BioFury View Post

The strange thing, is that she didn't react negatively right away. We got together for a date two days later, and I thought we were at a "transition point" in our relationship. I was ready to progress things, so I asked her how she felt about me, and the relationship between us. She said that she liked me as much as ever, and that her feelings had only grown. That she wanted things to work out between us.

Shortly after said date, she sends me a text, telling me it's over. As the reason, the gives me the issue I already described above. And tells me that I clearly have no respect for her beliefs, or her convictions, because I sought to cast them down, or invalidate them. When that was never ever my intent. I just wanted to have a discussion, and never meant to attack her point of view.

So, needless to say, her text nearly gave me a heart attack. And I've frantically been trying to explain, but she just responded by saying her feelings for me are gone, as a result of my disrespect towards her convictions. And asked me to stop contacting her.
I don't disagree with others, BUT seems to me like something is missing between paragraph one and two above. Maybe, she was scared when you tried to 'progress' things. Maybe someone else influenced her. If she truly cared for you, IMO she would not cut you off so acutely. Refusal to communicate is a serious flaw, especially in a 'loved' one. Breakup by text is shallow and an easy way to escape truth. In other words, I think there is something more involved.
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post #20 of 259 (permalink) Old 07-05-2019, 11:31 PM
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Re: How do I get her back?

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Because I'm not a prideful, or spiteful person, who would let someone's logical reaction to a misunderstanding, get in the way of a good relationship?
Being prideful or spiteful has nothing to do with it.

She has made it clear to you that she doesn't want to have anything to do with you moving forward. Whether that is from a misunderstanding or a greater understanding is a moot point.

For your own sake, you ought to leave her be. Since healthy relationships aren't built upon having any participant, who doesn't want to be part of that relationship.
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post #21 of 259 (permalink) Old 07-06-2019, 12:53 AM
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Re: How do I get her back?

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This strikes me as a compatibility issue.

You like to discuss and debate.....she doesn't. Lots of people don't.....lots of people can't. It requires a level of open mindedness and critical thinking ability that not everyone has.

If she's so close minded that she can't even discuss the issue enough to tell you why she thinks you're wrong then she's not a good match for one who likes to debate.

I'm like you....I like to debate and love thoughtful discussion. My ex didn't....he got deeply offended if you didn't agree with him and took it as a personal attack. It was one of our many issues and caused a lot of unhappiness.

Maybe you should let her go. Even if you get her back you'll have to forever watch what you say....it's no way to live.

To be fair, my wife isn't the type to debate and argue either, yet I am. She's also super Christian and I'm not so much. My beliefs don't really follow a specific teaching. Also, she's very straight laced, and I'm far from it. Like FAR from it. Yet we work well together. But I do understand we are somewhat of an anomaly.

If my devils are to leave me, I'm afraid my angels will take flight as well.

Last edited by TheDudeLebowski; 07-06-2019 at 01:00 AM.
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post #22 of 259 (permalink) Old 07-06-2019, 12:57 AM
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Re: How do I get her back?

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I don't disagree with others, BUT seems to me like something is missing between paragraph one and two above. Maybe, she was scared when you tried to 'progress' things. Maybe someone else influenced her. If she truly cared for you, IMO she would not cut you off so acutely. Refusal to communicate is a serious flaw, especially in a 'loved' one. Breakup by text is shallow and an easy way to escape truth. In other words, I think there is something more involved.
She's got a GF in her ear, thats all. Dudes have wingmen. Ladies have **** block friends. Tis the way of things. I'm not mad at it, its just how it is...

If my devils are to leave me, I'm afraid my angels will take flight as well.
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post #23 of 259 (permalink) Old 07-06-2019, 06:23 AM
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Re: How do I get her back?

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Maybe, she was scared when you tried to 'progress' things. Maybe someone else influenced her. If she truly cared for you, IMO she would not cut you off so acutely.

I agree with this. She didn't want to progress any further and what she told you is just an excuse.
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post #24 of 259 (permalink) Old 07-06-2019, 06:33 AM
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Re: How do I get her back?

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Originally Posted by BioFury View Post
So I've been talking with a woman, and both of us like each other a lot (we did, at least). But I said something, that she took in the total opposite way that I intended, and now won't speak to me. Here's the timeline.

At the beginning of the week, we were talking on the phone about something. I'm a deep thinker, and love having theoretical discussions about subjects, outside of their personal application. So I asked her what she thought about a particular viewpoint, that was contrary to the one she holds. I did this purely from a desire to spark a discussion, and see if we could learn more about the subject together. I played devil's advocate when she made particular assertions, but not in an aggressive way, but merely asking her what she thought about the counter-point. But she, being very passionate about the issue, took it as me taking the opposite position. I'm not going to specify what the issue is, but suffice to say that it's a very important, very sensitive issue.

The strange thing, is that she didn't react negatively right away. We got together for a date two days later, and I thought we were at a "transition point" in our relationship. I was ready to progress things, so I asked her how she felt about me, and the relationship between us. She said that she liked me as much as ever, and that her feelings had only grown. That she wanted things to work out between us.

Shortly after said date, she sends me a text, telling me it's over. As the reason, the gives me the issue I already described above. And tells me that I clearly have no respect for her beliefs, or her convictions, because I sought to cast them down, or invalidate them. When that was never ever my intent. I just wanted to have a discussion, and never meant to attack her point of view.

So, needless to say, her text nearly gave me a heart attack. And I've frantically been trying to explain, but she just responded by saying her feelings for me are gone, as a result of my disrespect towards her convictions. And asked me to stop contacting her.

How do I get through to her, and win her back? What can I do to revive the feelings that were there, before this misunderstanding took place?
Well, let's see. Her opinions are valid. Other opinions are not valid.

Good luck with having a relationship with someone like that.

However send her a letter or email clarifying your position and see what happens.


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post #25 of 259 (permalink) Old 07-06-2019, 06:43 AM
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Re: How do I get her back?

Are you sure the debate was the reason? You said you had a date shortly after that and things were fine. Not trying to make you feel bad by saying this, but are you sure its just the comments you made? She may not be feeling the same as you and just wanted a way to end it. Just a thought.

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post #26 of 259 (permalink) Old 07-06-2019, 07:04 AM
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Re: How do I get her back?

Yep, the breakup may not, likely is not related to the content of the "lively discussion" at all.

If anything it's related to the fact she or some gf she talks about you with, thought you were being disagreeable in general.

Or, some gf influenced her to "stay single so she has a party friend" unrelated to you at all.

And dude, you should know even if you feel you've convinced a gf logically she's "wrong" she may agree but still doesn't.

Logic in winning a disagreement with a gf never applies as a relationship promoting interaction.

Now, if you recognize you'll never convince her to come back, and have successful let her go (as you should) you can throw a couple hail marys for entertainment and learning only.

By, just being yourself, maybe where you two first met, or short light non serious comments to her in passing, if you see her.

But no texting. She has to see you, if you happen to bump into her, you may end up seeing her a couple more times after SHE asks what have u been up to.

However she really doesn't seem like a ltr connection.
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post #27 of 259 (permalink) Old 07-06-2019, 07:14 AM
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Re: How do I get her back?

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How do I get through to her, and win her back? What can I do to revive the feelings that were there, before this misunderstanding took place?
I'm going to try to say this in the most neutral way I can. If she's a snowflake, let her go for your own good. Trust me. She'll always be triggered about something, and you'll always be dealing with her bull****.

Once you start seeing your worth, you'll find it harder to stay around people who don't.
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post #28 of 259 (permalink) Old 07-06-2019, 07:20 AM
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Why so secretive of the discussion topic?

From my own life experiences I will say playing the devil's advocate can end up reflecting badly on you. If you question the norm many can't separate your debate questions from your opinion, suddenly you're labeled as the guy who supports.......whatever.

So the discussion may be the reason, or just another piece that swayed her feelings. Regardless....she is done with you, except it and leave her alone.

Last edited by Cooper; 07-06-2019 at 11:11 AM.
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post #29 of 259 (permalink) Old 07-06-2019, 07:23 AM
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Cool Re: How do I get her back?

Unless you're in law school or in a legal adversarial setting, the playing of "devils advocate" is never advisable unless, of course, you know them awfully well ~ and even then, with some well thought out preclusions!

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Last edited by arbitrator; 07-06-2019 at 07:49 AM. Reason: Edit
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post #30 of 259 (permalink) Old 07-06-2019, 07:42 AM
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Re: How do I get her back?

OP, I hope you don't mind but I went back and looked at some of your old threads. How long have you known this woman? Are you dating? I get the impression that you are just starting to figure out this whole dating and meeting new people stuff. From my perspective it seems that you are bit out in front of those that you have an interest in. Meaning you are relationship ready and they are in the "getting to know you" phase. Just take your time and keep meeting new people. Eventually the right situation will reveal itself. My only other piece of advice is don't over analyze everything. Just be yourself and go with the flow...only saying that because in your past threads it seemed you had a tendency to do that when you have a strong interest in someone.
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