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post #211 of 282 (permalink) Old 10-19-2019, 09:40 AM
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Re: Is oral a given for most?l

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@Rocky Mountain Yeti
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Boys, I share your annoyance...I will say, from knowing my H, I highly doubt he ever asked for a BJ, but I think they were just given. Heís a handsome guy, and so nice that it is easy to want to ďpleaseĒ him. I think he checks most of the boxes women in my age group find appealing.

That being said, I must say, I have definitely wondered how much of him not being willing to go down (among other General lack of sexual skills) affected him keeping a good woman. He says most of the girls he dated told him they didnít like sex. I think it might mean a lot of them didnít like sex with him.

FW nailed it for me in her post. Iím madly in love with him, and this is the thing I settled on. Even if I could never have sex again, I still want to be with him every second, and I love the rest of our life. Iím not perfect, and neither is he. Overall we are really great together though.
Oh, to have that kind of love....

....sigh....

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post #212 of 282 (permalink) Old 10-19-2019, 10:02 AM
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Re: Is oral a given for most?l

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Even if I could never have sex again, I still want to be with him every second, and I love the rest of our life. Iím not perfect, and neither is he. Overall we are really great together though.
Define sex. We were close to taking PiV off the menu for physical reasons. I could do that. Not having sex in broader sense or at least naked time wouldnít work for me/us.

We were always a bit ďlazyĒ when the PiV was good/reliable, we didnít often bother with anything else. Ever since she stopped being able to O from PiV the oral on her has gone up. As the PiV has been reduced (itís still on the menu as a special) the number of BJs has gone up.




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post #213 of 282 (permalink) Old 10-19-2019, 04:24 PM
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Re: Is oral a given for most?

A serious blowjob is both a signal of attraction and a signal of willingness to make an effort.

A refusal is a signal of the inverse. Ignore this at your peril.

Itís strong indication of attraction. Itís well documented that feelings of disgust go away when aroused - meeting if youíre feeling horny and attracted to your partner, a penis or semen or vaginal fluids are gong to not be disgusting.

An unwillingness to go down is a sign theyíre likely just not that attracted to you.
Itís also a marker for conservative sexual attitudes, laziness, anxiety, etc., etc, all of which are reasons to move along when evaluating a new partner.

Fundamentally, why would you want to invest time and energy into a new relationship where youíve been given a clear sign they are just not that into you?

And even if maybe theyíre not super into it, but if youíre asking and so they know itís important to you, so then... why couldnít they just do it, right?

Why would you want to invest in someone who wonít got out of their comfort zone and make an effort at something thatís important to you?

People who canít get out of their comfort zone and make a effort? Next!
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post #214 of 282 (permalink) Old 10-21-2019, 11:58 PM
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Re: Is oral a given for most?

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I hadn't thought about it like this but I think you've hit on an important point. I wonder how many people (men or women) would enjoy giving oral sex if their partner was just "meh" about it.
It's more than the act itself, it's also the playfulness between us. If my husband was 'meh' about receiving oral (...appropriate pause to consider this; it's really hard to imagine), then yeah, it would affect my enjoyment of giving to him. I'd rather take the cues and focus on something that was, in a sense, replenishing for him and mutually connecting.

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post #215 of 282 (permalink) Old 10-22-2019, 01:03 AM
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Re: Is oral a given for most?

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It’s a given for my relationship. I only ever met one woman who was against it. She claimed that it was a texture issue and that the head of the penis was mushroom like and giving BJs brought on an instant gag reflex. Course she always wanted me to go down on her lol. Needless to say that didn’t last long.
Oh dear... the mention of mushrooms... with Southbound asking if this was common, well, I thought swallowing would be more common among my peers. Turns out, not so much. Out to dinner with friends some time ago, I ordered grilled mushrooms. One friend shuddered at the thought/taste of mushrooms, sharing what they remind her of and how she wouldn't go there. Which meant the conversation jovially spiraled to that topic. With immaturity and laughter, another friend and I licked our lips and enjoyed those grilled mushrooms.

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post #216 of 282 (permalink) Old 10-22-2019, 01:16 AM
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Re: Is oral a given for most?

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No one has come out and told me "sorry, no swallowing no dating" but then again maybe that's what they were thinking when they chose not to see me again after discussing boundaries.

I do know men for whom this is VERY important. They will willingly overlook huge (IMO massive) red flags to have a women who enjoys giving BJs, will gurgle their jizz, and swallow it like melted marshmallow. To each their own.
You have a point... I rarely/don't cook.

I don't know about this gurgling business! And swallowing isn't every time; depends on the vibe. Towards the beginning of this thread were a few back-and-forth about what we look for, well, even though Batman and I met young, he initiated going down on me after a short time of dating. We were sharing in oral sex in various incarnations before we'd had intercourse. And for me, it's a mind-blowing pleasure. My reality is that I could not be with a man who was unwilling (but able) to share in this with me as part of our sexuality.

Music belongs in a place with hearts beating and brains dreaming and people falling in love. - J.Buckley
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post #217 of 282 (permalink) Old 10-22-2019, 10:19 AM
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Re: Is oral a given for most?

I think there is a lot of variation in what men like for oral. Some don't like it at all. Some like getting a BJ, don't care where they finish. Others have a thing for finishing on her face or in her mouth. Some care about swallowing.

Just various preferences - which may be quite strong. Probably helpful to know what a particular partner likes.

Similarly I assume women like different things as well. I know my wife enjoys oral early on, but usually doesn't want me to give her an O that way.
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post #218 of 282 (permalink) Old 10-28-2019, 08:28 AM
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Re: Is oral a given for most?

I haven't read all of the responses but I thought the OP was interesting - I mean the moment you learned that "you'll be doing this." Those words really struck me because that's kind of how it felt for me. I mean knew what it was before I did it but I guess I didn't really understand how important it is to guys. And, well, that's it's just something that you're expected to do. In the back seat - head pushed down. Kind of gross but I just thought that's what you were supposed to be doing for guys. It was like all guys just expected me to do it. No big deal, just got used to doing it.

My husband does not want it but I'd like to do it for him.
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post #219 of 282 (permalink) Old 10-28-2019, 10:01 AM
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Re: Is oral a given for most?

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Originally Posted by MartinBeck View Post
A serious blowjob is both a signal of attraction and a signal of willingness to make an effort.

A refusal is a signal of the inverse. Ignore this at your peril.

Itís strong indication of attraction. Itís well documented that feelings of disgust go away when aroused - meeting if youíre feeling horny and attracted to your partner, a penis or semen or vaginal fluids are gong to not be disgusting.

An unwillingness to go down is a sign theyíre likely just not that attracted to you.
Itís also a marker for conservative sexual attitudes, laziness, anxiety, etc., etc, all of which are reasons to move along when evaluating a new partner.

Fundamentally, why would you want to invest time and energy into a new relationship where youíve been given a clear sign they are just not that into you?

And even if maybe theyíre not super into it, but if youíre asking and so they know itís important to you, so then... why couldnít they just do it, right?

Why would you want to invest in someone who wonít got out of their comfort zone and make an effort at something thatís important to you?

People who canít get out of their comfort zone and make a effort? Next!
I dont see it as 'not making an effort' or that you are 'not attracted to them enough' if there are things that you know that are not for you. I am sure that many of us have things that we wouldn't do in sex that some others think are ok.
After all you could relate what you said to anything. How about a partner who wants to half strangle you during sex, or bring another person into your sex life. If you say no are you then not 'making an effort' or 'not that attracted to them enough?' Where do you draw the line?

For example for both my husband and I anal sex is a total no no. It has nothing to do with not being attracted enough to each other or that we are not prepared to make an effort. Its just a place that we won't go. We all must be able to say no to things that we are very uncomfortable with without being pressured in anyway.

If I wanted something and my husband didn't, I really couldn't care less and I wouldn't bring it up again. There are plenty of other things we can do and its not all about me anyway, its about loving and respecting your partner and compromise.
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post #220 of 282 (permalink) Old 10-28-2019, 10:32 AM
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Re: Is oral a given for most?

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I dont see it as 'not making an effort' or that you are 'not attracted to them enough' if there are things that you know that are not for you. I am sure that many of us have things that we wouldn't do in sex that some others think are ok.

After all you could relate what you said to anything. How about a partner who wants to half strangle you during sex, or bring another person into your sex life. If you say no are you then not 'making an effort' or 'not that attracted to them enough?' Where do you draw the line?



For example for both my husband and I anal sex is a total no no. It has nothing to do with not being attracted enough to each other or that we are not prepared to make an effort. Its just a place that we won't go. We all must be able to say no to things that we are very uncomfortable with without being pressured in anyway.



If I wanted something and my husband didn't, I really couldn't care less and I wouldn't bring it up again. There are plenty of other things we can do and its not all about me anyway, its about loving and respecting your partner and compromise.

I do agree with you but it is a little sad when you want certain things and your partner refuses. Especially if what you want is mainstream and popular, and If you had it before and loved it.

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post #221 of 282 (permalink) Old 10-28-2019, 10:41 AM
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Re: Is oral a given for most?

Although I understand what you're saying, I do have a problem with this.

My private sex life does not need to reflect what's mainstream and popular. That that's even a consideration is offensive. (And to clarify - I don't find your post offensive - just the idea of having to conform to what others view as normal and expected.)

My sex life is to be sorted out between God, me and my significant other. NOT the community.

It's one of the many problems associated with pornography and promiscuous societies.

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I do agree with you but it is a little sad when you want certain things and your partner refuses. Especially if what you want is mainstream and popular, and If you had it before and loved it.
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post #222 of 282 (permalink) Old 10-28-2019, 11:14 AM
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Re: Is oral a given for most?

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Although I understand what you're saying, I do have a problem with this.



My private sex life does not need to reflect what's mainstream and popular. That that's even a consideration is offensive. (And to clarify - I don't find your post offensive - just the idea of having to conform to what others view as normal and expected.)



My sex life is to be sorted out between God, me and my significant other. NOT the community.



It's one of the many problems associated with pornography and promiscuous societies.


I donít disagree with you. No one can tell me what to do with my body except me. Iím not trying to make you feel bad. Iím speaking of the point of view of wanting something I love from my significant other and them saying no. And I mean that from a hug, a kiss, a massage, or oral sex. The act of wanting and being shut down is never pleasant. And the want never goes away.
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post #223 of 282 (permalink) Old 10-28-2019, 12:10 PM
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Re: Is oral a given for most?

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I do agree with you but it is a little sad when you want certain things and your partner refuses. Especially if what you want is mainstream and popular, and If you had it before and loved it.
To be honest I am not at all worried what is considered mainstream and popular. Porn is mainstream and apparently popular, but for us its total no no. Many things that people want now has come from porn use.

I have no issues if my husband said no to something because I would know that there would be a good reason for him to say that, and I respect him enough not to pressure him. The same for me, if I said no, he wouldn't pressure me. Marriage should be far more important than one thing that one may want in sex that the other doesn't. If someone ends a relationship just for that one thing, then they are not worth having in my opinion.

Last edited by Diana7; 10-28-2019 at 12:17 PM.
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post #224 of 282 (permalink) Old 10-28-2019, 12:16 PM
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Re: Is oral a given for most?

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I donít disagree with you. No one can tell me what to do with my body except me. Iím not trying to make you feel bad. Iím speaking of the point of view of wanting something I love from my significant other and them saying no. And I mean that from a hug, a kiss, a massage, or oral sex. The act of wanting and being shut down is never pleasant. And the want never goes away.

If your spouse wont even give you a hug or kiss then that probably shows all is not well in the marriage. However when you get to things like oral sex, anal sex, S & M, bondage, etc, its far more a question of what sits right with us as individuals and what doesn't. I know that for me anal sex for example is something I would never do for many reasons, and that's not going to change. I know its not right for me or us.
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post #225 of 282 (permalink) Old 10-28-2019, 05:42 PM
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Re: Is oral a given for most?

@Diana7 I hope you get oral sex, plus hugs and kisses from your husband. Likewise I also hope that your husband gets the same from you.
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