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post #1 of 93 (permalink) Old 11-17-2019, 04:02 PM Thread Starter
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How to handle bad sex

Based on a short post on another thread about having sex with a woman who is a starfish or sack of potatoes...

How have you handled first time bad sex? Do you instantly break up with them? If not, why didn’t you?

For me it has been a matter of degrees. If it was so bad that I just couldn’t face ever doing it again, the new relationship was ended immediately. If it was bad but I felt he could get better with my encouragement and direction, I might give it one more shot, but if still bad, it’s over.

This does not represent my choices when I first became sexually active. There was a time when the young guys I had sex with were just so clumsy and clueless that I had no idea how good men could really be at it. Once I learned, there was no going back to clumsy or clueless.

Men or women can answer.

Wanted to add that one of the clueless clumsy ones actually needed me to lay like a bag of potatoes for him to get off. Because apparently he was so used to only getting off by humping the bed with his eyes closed. He wasn’t young, either. It was gross. So I understand at least somewhat how gross it must be for a guy to encounter a woman like that.

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post #2 of 93 (permalink) Old 11-17-2019, 04:06 PM
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Re: How to handle bad sex

What does being a "starfish" mean...?
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post #3 of 93 (permalink) Old 11-17-2019, 04:14 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How to handle bad sex

When a woman just lays there and allows her guy to have sex with her, but sheís not showing any kind of enjoyment and not moving or being sexual at all. Like a star fish.
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post #4 of 93 (permalink) Old 11-17-2019, 04:18 PM
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Re: How to handle bad sex

OOOH!!! Ok, right! Lol! Kind of a funny picture, actually...!!

That would be me saying, "ok, Baby, have at me!" Haha!!
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post #5 of 93 (permalink) Old 11-17-2019, 04:21 PM
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Re: How to handle bad sex

A star fish?!?!? LOL!!!

I'll just say that I agree with everything you said. I have had a mix of all types, but I never did dump any guy the first time just because he was clueless.

I'll add that I do remember one guy who could not get any kind of rhythm down and all he constantly did was push me off the bed or into the headboard. I also ended up "assisting" him with placement. I gave him like 7 more chances before I was just done with him.
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post #6 of 93 (permalink) Old 11-17-2019, 04:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How to handle bad sex

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Originally Posted by LisaDiane View Post
OOOH!!! Ok, right! Lol! Kind of a funny picture, actually...!!

That would be me saying, "ok, Baby, have at me!" Haha!!
I think it can be done in a fun and sexy way, too. For a bit, and then we switch it up.

The term around here refers to women who only have sex that way and they are not saying anything encouraging. Itís more like hurry up and finish so I can get away from you.
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post #7 of 93 (permalink) Old 11-17-2019, 04:30 PM Thread Starter
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Re: How to handle bad sex

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A star fish?!?!? LOL!!!

I'll just say that I agree with everything you said. I have had a mix of all types, but I never did dump any guy the first time just because he was clueless.
I didn’t either when I was young but I definitely have as an adult and after all my own self awareness has kicked in.

Clueless can look a bit different sometimes. It can be such a turn off that I never want to go back. An example of adult cluelessness, is a guy I was dating that I had high hopes for, became exclusive, had sex the first time and I ended it the next day. The reason was that he did and said things which he thought was him being sexy, but which showed a complete lack of connection with me. In other words he just assumed certain things would be universally sexy to all women and then applied a template to me. But he could not have been more wrong. The things he did based on his assumptions turned me off so much I never wanted to even kiss him again. Once that happens, it’s just over for me. There’s no second chances.

When I ended it I told him exactly what those things were. Not in a *****y way, just because the sex was great for him so he couldn’t understand and wanted me to explain it to him. Again, a clear lack of noticing how more and more turned off I was because he just assumed what was good for him was good for me. I tried in many ways to explain it to him and he just kept saying he could do it differently next time.

No, dude, you can’t and won’t. It’s you and who you are that turned me off once we got naked. Your weird assumptions and the application of what was clearly some kind of template of what you think all women want. Not knowing before now (at this age) that we aren’t all the same is not something I can roll with.
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post #8 of 93 (permalink) Old 11-17-2019, 04:33 PM
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Re: How to handle bad sex

Even a starfish moves if you poke it. Some partners do not, so I always call it the dead starfish if that happens. We can joke around and I'll tell her to "Assume the starfish position!" but that rarely lasts more than a minute of two.

Anyway, bad sex is a deal breaker. The first time is often awkward, but I can usually tell if there is potential. But non-participation does not get another chance. Those with poor skills and lack of enthusiasm and creativity don't get many chances before I'd end it.

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post #9 of 93 (permalink) Old 11-17-2019, 04:52 PM
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Re: How to handle bad sex

My approach has been to point out as gently and as sensitively as I can what my perception is. Once in a while, the response is that it's nerves, lack of practice etc, and next time there's a change, but mostly, it's a case of "most men would be glad to have the chance", and I tend to not waste my time or hers any more. Is this a "scarcity mentality"?

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post #10 of 93 (permalink) Old 11-17-2019, 05:03 PM
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Re: How to handle bad sex

The worst ever was so bad that I ran and never looked back.

Mrs. C and I didn't have a good first round but I knew she was the one so we got better quickly!

I would have to say bad sex was definitely part of a decision to keep at it or give up with past partners.

Conversely some of the most amazing sex was with a terrible person and I did stay around a little longer than I should have for her. Great sex still doesn't make up for a severe lack everything else.

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post #11 of 93 (permalink) Old 11-17-2019, 05:04 PM
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Re: How to handle bad sex

Quote:
Originally Posted by Faithful Wife View Post
Based on a short post on another thread about having sex with a woman who is a starfish or sack of potatoes...

How have you handled first time bad sex? Do you instantly break up with them? If not, why didnít you?

For me it has been a matter of degrees. If it was so bad that I just couldnít face ever doing it again, the new relationship was ended immediately. If it was bad but I felt he could get better with my encouragement and direction, I might give it one more shot, but if still bad, itís over.

This does not represent my choices when I first became sexually active. There was a time when the young guys I had sex with were just so clumsy and clueless that I had no idea how good men could really be at it. Once I learned, there was no going back to clumsy or clueless.

Men or women can answer.

Wanted to add that one of the clueless clumsy ones actually needed me to lay like a bag of potatoes for him to get off. Because apparently he was so used to only getting off by humping the bed with his eyes closed. He wasnít young, either. It was gross. So I understand at least somewhat how gross it must be for a guy to encounter a woman like that.
We were both clumsy and clueless for some time till we bought a few books on the subject and started asking each other a lot of questions as we read the books.
LOL!!!!

I remember my husband asking me questions which made me laugh a lot for how much he did no know about the female body, but then i asked same silly questions about him.
How is anyone supposed to improve if they are not given chances to practice? My view would be that if one know a little more than the other, then they must teach the other as much as they know.
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post #12 of 93 (permalink) Old 11-17-2019, 05:09 PM
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Re: How to handle bad sex

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Originally Posted by ConanHub View Post
The worst ever was so bad that I ran and never looked back.

Mrs. C and I didn't have a good first round but I knew she was the one so we got better quickly!

I would have to say bad sex was definitely part of a decision to keep at it or give up with past partners.

Conversely some of the most amazing sex was with a terrible person and I did stay around a little longer than I should have for her. Great sex still doesn't make up for a severe lack everything else.


True dat!

Kushti divvus, pali i peni!
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post #13 of 93 (permalink) Old 11-17-2019, 05:29 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MaiChi View Post
Quote:
Originally Posted by Faithful Wife View Post
Based on a short post on another thread about having sex with a woman who is a starfish or sack of potatoes...

How have you handled first time bad sex? Do you instantly break up with them? If not, why didn’t you?

For me it has been a matter of degrees. If it was so bad that I just couldn’t face ever doing it again, the new relationship was ended immediately. If it was bad but I felt he could get better with my encouragement and direction, I might give it one more shot, but if still bad, it’s over.

This does not represent my choices when I first became sexually active. There was a time when the young guys I had sex with were just so clumsy and clueless that I had no idea how good men could really be at it. Once I learned, there was no going back to clumsy or clueless.

Men or women can answer.

Wanted to add that one of the clueless clumsy ones actually needed me to lay like a bag of potatoes for him to get off. Because apparently he was so used to only getting off by humping the bed with his eyes closed. He wasn’t young, either. It was gross. So I understand at least somewhat how gross it must be for a guy to encounter a woman like that.
We were both clumsy and clueless for some time till we bought a few books on the subject and started asking each other a lot of questions as we read the books.
LOL!!!!

I remember my husband asking me questions which made me laugh a lot for how much he did no know about the female body, but then i asked same silly questions about him.
How is anyone supposed to improve if they are not given chances to practice? My view would be that if one know a little more than the other, then they must teach the other as much as they know.
Totally agree and if there is passion then you can usually work with it.

However, there are some lovers who will not learn anything no matter how much you want them to, no matter what you say, no matter how they may seem to try. I don’t know why this is true but it just is. I think some people cannot have sex other than robotically. At this point in my life, I can tell those ones by just kissing them.
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post #14 of 93 (permalink) Old 11-17-2019, 05:34 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sawney Beane View Post
My approach has been to point out as gently and as sensitively as I can what my perception is. Once in a while, the response is that it's nerves, lack of practice etc, and next time there's a change, but mostly, it's a case of "most men would be glad to have the chance", and I tend to not waste my time or hers any more. Is this a "scarcity mentality"?
As long as you are out once you realize you aren’t a match, sounds like the right approach to me.
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post #15 of 93 (permalink) Old 11-17-2019, 06:59 PM
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Re: How to handle bad sex

The quality and quantity of the sex in my last relationship played a role in my breaking up with him, among a lot of other things. He just wasnít that great but I wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt so I hung in there waiting to see if maybe we just needed more time to get in sync in that way.

I did try to bring it up in conversation in a lighthearted manner asking him what he would label his sex style as. I told him I was a scoop of vanilla with some jalapeŮo sprinkled on top. In the pool, in the car, on the back deck, on the front porch, on the roof...I was good to go anywhere and at anytime. I thought he would get a kick out of that but he literally squirmed, like the topic was painful.

By the time I broke it off with him we hadnít had sex in two weeks and I was super frustrated. We had been together almost three months by then and there was no way I was going to stay with someone who had such bedroom issues.

Maybe I gave it to much time, I donít know. Sex is very important to me because I went without for so long but I think I was just really unsure how long getting in sync should take.
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