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educated woman in relationship with an uneducated man -does it work?

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66K views 62 replies 47 participants last post by  L.M.COYL  
M
#1 ·
Hi everyone,

First of all, I'm sorry about my title, which may make it seem as if I thought that I was something special (saying that I'm educated) and that my future hubby is not ('cause he's uneducated). This is not the case. I would simply like to ask others in the same situation, that is, an educated wife (for example master's degree) with an uneducated husband (not even high school degree), whether they are having too many problems. I'd really want our relationship to work, 'cause my boyfriend is really loyal with me, but I have some problems with our interests and taste issues etc.

Please, could you post me some experiences of your own, thanks a lot in advance!

-M-
 
M
#8 ·
If you cant respect him, let him go. Men need respect more than love.

Education has nothing to do with intelligence. There are a vast number of college drop outs, who have been extremely successful and are now household names, because of their products, services and inventions.You can have Intelligence and a sharp mind and not be college educated

Both you and he deserve to be happy. You are wise, exploring your feelings now. I would like to have stimulating intellectual conversations with my wife, but that doesn't happen. I really wish I had that. Don't marry him If you need that , he wont be able to satisfy you.I wish I had given that more thought before I was married.I truly wish you the best in your decision
 
#9 ·
i think it depends on the individual. usually people equate degrees with determination and drive... but i think school isnt for everybody, and you've gotta repsect someone's choice to go or not to go.

the manager at my bank started working in high school and now she's the manager at 26. she dropped out of college after she was promoted twice and she's so smart. i have a degree and i'm a freakin part time teller working under her... so a degree isnt eveything. but i have a home and a husband and to me THAT was more important than a career.

just depends... just dont let him use his lack of an education as an excuse... good luck!!
 
#10 ·
I agree that educational level and intelligence aren't necessarily the same thing. You can be with someone who is formally uneducated, but insightful, a stimulating conversationalist, curious, and interested in learning.

Only you can ask yourself some of the important questions:

Do you feel bored or frustrated when you have conversations with him?
Do you have to explain things or dumb things down so he'll understand? is that ok with you? (sometimes it's not bad)
Do you feel connected with him when you talk, and when you experience things in life together?
Does he make you laugh? Intelligence and humor are related.

My husband and I are on different formal education levels. I have two master's degrees. He has a bachelor's. To be honest, I used to get frustrated because I *thought* he didn't understand things on a deep level with me, and I thought we really couldn't connect. But he's smart--a different kind of intelligence. He thinks quickly and sometimes superficially, fact-based; I process more slowly and in depth. This caused some problems in the past, but we are starting to actually grow together and influence each other--he's starting to slow down and let things sink in, and I'm becoming more decisive and practical.
so I guess my answer to you would be: it's in the connection between you at a more foundational level, deeper than just your different educational levels.
There may be things in life you can't share with him, or that he won't understand. But if the things where you DO connect outweigh, then it could work. I hope this helps!
 
#11 ·
Also---have you heard of Multiple Intelligence theory?

People are intelligent in different ways: verbal, spatial, kinesthetic, nature-related, interpersonal, intra-personal, musical

What are your husband's strengths and skills? If you can genuinely respect his intelligence in those areas, it might help you see what you need to help you answer these questions.
 
#15 ·
It isn't differences in educational achievements, but differences in values and life goals that you should worry about. Per-marriage counseling to see if you have the same goals, values, and intentions (or compatible ones) might help you two.
 
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#16 ·
Don't confuse education with academic achievement. To me, "educated" implies interest and ability in acquiring knowledge. If two people are continual learners, each growing in knowledge and interests, I don't think differences in diplomas mean anything. If, on the other hand, one has varied interests and thirsts for knowledge and the other is content to smash beer cans on his forehead and belch, there is a problem. I've known several highly educated people who don't even have HS diplomas and I've met people with graduate degrees who seemed utterly clueless. My brother has a HS diploma and a blue collar job. He's a history buff and a voracious reader. His wife has a Masters degree. They are each very educated in their own fields and they both share common interests in a variety of topics. They can discuss and debate for hours and both respect the other's opinion. In short,they both admire the other and they most genuinely enjoy each others' company.
 
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#17 · (Edited)
Whilst I prefer to be around people with a similar level of intelligence to myself, formal education itself doesn't always mean an intelligent enquiring mind - nor does it guarantee success in life. It's what people do with their education that matters most.
 
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#18 ·
I think we beat the 'education does not equal intelligence' thing to death. The OP said that her problem is that they have interest and taste differences. This is not unusual in relationships and only the OP can determine if these differences are too severe to overcome. Also remember that people change over time and can grow closer together or further apart in interests and tastes.

Sometimes earlier on in relationships, strong physical attraction, sex, passion and just having good fun together are enough to make a relationship good. These things certainly don't end with marriage but they do usually have their ups and downs during a long term relationship. Having nothing else in common but these things could mean trouble for a relationship over many years.

However, interests and tastes are just at the periphery of a person. VALUES are at the core. Having a misalignment of values is more severe than a misalignment of interests and tastes. Some educated people have pursuit of education/learning as a core part of their value system. Not all educated people do, however. Some might just view their degrees as a way to get ahead in their job and it's not necessarily a core part of their values (ie not a core part of how they think a life should be lived). Same goes for other things like fitness/athletics, responsibility for extended family, experiencing the world through travel, etc. Many people travel but for some, seeing the world is a core part of how they think life should be lived. They think that those who have never really seen the world have not really lived. I think you get the idea.

I suggest that you do some self-exploration to determine what things are within your core values as a person (as opposed to just interests tastes or pieces of paper with academic qualifications printed on them). Only then can you assess the extent to which your partner is aligned to these values.
 
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#22 ·
I don't see where it matters!! The wealthiest guy I know has a GED owns a construction company has a 11 car garage 9800 sq/ft house.

I know people with Masters that have 30k/yr jobs. If you mean it's more you are vastly more knowledgeable than he is than maybe. Or if you are not intellectually stimulated by him than maybe.

aka if he is dumb as bricks and you are really smart yes there may be a problem.
 
#23 ·
If you're already questioning it, it seems like it is a big enough issue for you.

Get to the heart of it - is it really his education level that is the issue, or other things about him that you are not compatible with (that may be related to education, that may be related to why he didn't go to school, or that may be about how he was raised and what he finds interesting rather than education per se).

For example, I'd have a hard time being with someone who doesn't read and doesn't get it that I consider reading an important activity. That has nothing to do with education level. I'd also have a hard time being with someone who barely scrapes by financially, and that may or may not have something to do with their education level.
 
#24 ·
I've seen happily married couples with a discrepancy in their educational levels. But an advanced degree vs. not even high school diploma might be a stretch--I haven't seen that. Doesn't mean it can't work.

It depends on what you want in a marriage, and what you want to share with your husband, vs. what you are ok NOT sharing with him in your experience of life together.
 
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#25 ·
I think the thing here will be the potential for strife as far as goals and ambitions goes.

Why for example, did your boyfriend never graduate high school? Was the issue a lack of initiative or drive? Is this a recurring pattern? Why didn't he go back and get his GED? Did he go right into the work force, has he been consistently employed?

Is his lack of education holding him back? If so, does he plan on addressing that at some point?

How does your boyfriend feel about the reality that you might be the main "breadwinner" because you have more income potential? What will everyone's roles and responsibilities be? Are you okay with the idea that your incomes might be disparate? Do you have elaborate financial dreams (sprees to Europe, huge house, etc) that might strife against that reality?
 
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#26 ·
i have a masters and my husband is a lorry driver, left school at 15. 25yrs together
i adore him, but conversation can be lacking sometimes :)
i've learnt to read whilst he watches what i consider rubbish on tv and we have a shared interest in history.
he knows more facts that any of my traditionally 'educated' friends.
he comes to my black tie doos (and looks gorgeous) and i go to his lorry dos (and look nerdy)
hes not bothered about his lack of education and our eldest daughter is a doctor (nearly), 2nd studying marine zoology and 3rd still in school, top of every subject and wants to be a forensic scientist so the good old nature nurture debate rears its ugly head - my advice follow your heart x
 
#27 ·
I have 2 diplomas and 2 degrees and currently starting masters but my H didn't make past HS. We are married for 14 yrs and I wouldn't want it any other way. Its not about what papers you have earned its about what life lessons you have learned. He had to work from a very young age due to family circumstances and life has taught him very well, he is very intelligent (both IQ and EQ). He has grown a lot at work though experience and does much better than some with masters. Like some said, its about how much we continue to learn.

Now your question is not the paper qualifications but the differences in general, if you think its going to be difficult it will be difficult. Look into your own priorities and what is important to you in life and you will find the answer. Everyone is different what worked for me may not work for you.
 
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#28 ·
A person can self-educate. There were doctors before there were great universities. However, since I have been there done that, if the person refuses to self educate, it can be a real problem.

They will resent you & you will start to resent them. It is a really sad situation.

Make sure that they are lovers of education, even if it is self-induced.
 
#30 ·
I think it is very common for women to look at the earning potential of their husband vs. their own. In this modern day and age, we are "supposed" to overlook such things...but many woman can't seem to do that...and the fact that how education is often equated with success and trajectory...women often lose respect for their partners whose trajectory does not exceed theirs...as it seems to correlate with instinct-driven desire for their husband to provide the security, protection, and the main share of the earnings. I am not sure if this is related to your concerns or not...but I suppose you need to ask yourself what bothers you about this...does it really bother you personally or is it related to what you fear others will think...or both? Or are you seeing more and more evidence of incompatibility?? I suppose you need to look at what the value of education means to you in terms of a committed relationship...is it just a personal value...or is it related to fears of not"growing" together...that you may excel while he stays the same? Does his standing embarrass you? There are a lot of questions to ponder for yourself...because it would be really lousy for you to start retaining a lot of contempt and resentment for him without having a real explanation in your mind as to why this bothers you. Then you have to power to decide to see if it really doesn't matter and that you can accept him how he is...or you can start a dialogue about your concerns and see how he responds...or you can make the call that you can't see yourself lasting long in a relationship with an uneducated man. But overall...I think if you come into this...dead set on trying to change HIM to meet your expectations...is a setup for disaster...as he will probably start to feel a lot of guilt and shame over it...and you will just become resentful and possibly start blaming him for a lot of things. Better to check your motives and then get real with boyfriend about what your struggling with...and then probably make a decision about the future...together or no.

I heard someone joke on tv today that women fear that their man will NEVER change, men FEAR that their woman WILL change!
 
#31 ·
You may have issues that you don't anticipate. In many ways, the institutions of higher education condition us in certain ways that those who don't partake in grad degrees tend to avoid. This is not a value judgement or an issue of snobbery. However, in trying not to be a snob you may be second guessing issues that could turn into something bigger in the marriage. If you're worried, do some pre-marriage couple's counseling *together* to see how compatible you are with regard to: problem-solving skills, financial attitudes, approaches to emotional pressure and problems, family relationships, and ideas about work-life balance, long-term goals, and personal investment; the way you have chosen to condition yourself in negotiating those issues will have more bearing on your married life than simply the extent to which you've been formally educated, but...sometimes, those things are related.
 
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