Having sex with a new person for the first time - Page 2 - Talk About Marriage
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post #16 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-11-2017, 09:46 AM
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Re: Having sex with a new person for the first time

Another thing....

The new guy.

He too is a man. He too wants to hold a lovely women in his arms and take her to bed.
Good men, bad men wants this. Need this. They do.

With that in mind, he may just want *that and not much else.
Time will tell. Patience in a man is a virtue, but not a bulletproof one.
Good things come to man who is patient. And he is that.....indeed.


*Intimacy

.................................................. ................................................

Here's the thing.

Going to bed with a man or two is not the end of worthy credible life.
If you are picky, you will not lose one iota of dignity if you share your body and love.

I think @Diana7 needs to step in here before I step on my fragile and dusty toes.
She will set you straight.

Me? I will set you free.


This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out. The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall.
The Host, Rd is ill, any years left, remain now, in doubt? Red Dog is now lost to us.
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post #17 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-11-2017, 10:22 AM
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Re: Having sex with a new person for the first time

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Originally Posted by GA HEART View Post
GUUURL! Lol!

First of all, I am so sorry this is giving you such anxiety! Sex should be fun.

My ex husband was LOUSY in bed. Awful. I didn't want sex. Didn't want anything to do with it. I didn't realize this at all until.....

I actually had sex with someone who wasn't lousy.

A lot of sex IS the mental. And chemistry is HUGE. Definitely don't force yourself to go there if you aren't ready. If it pushes him away, so be it. I know that's hard to hear, especially if you're into him. How well I know. But it's important. Because if youre not relaxed and ready to enjoy, then yes, you are sabatoging yourself.

And in the meantime, buy lots of toys. LOTS. And use them. A LOT. Learn what you like and what gets you there. Don't feel ashamed of yourself and your sexuality. It's uniquely YOURS and you are ALLOWED to explore it!!

Besides, they aren't lying when they say your 30's is the peak time. Mine hit me and WHOOOOO BOY! Lol!

Have faith in YOURSELF. There isn't anything wrong with you, you just need to learn to trust you. <3
Oh, sheee-ucks!

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out. The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall.
The Host, Rd is ill, any years left, remain now, in doubt? Red Dog is now lost to us.
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post #18 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-11-2017, 10:45 AM
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Re: Having sex with a new person for the first time

It sounds like you are suffering from Sexual Performance Anxiety. Your mind goes a million miles an hour in ten different directions. There are many different ways to manage the unfocused mind including drug, therapy, diet, and exercise but the one we've had the most success with is practicing Mindful Meditation or Mindfulness. A quick google search with turn out hundreds of links on how to do this correctly, but it's essentially a form of relaxation meditation. Might help especially if you also suffer from social anxiety.
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post #19 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-11-2017, 11:02 AM
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Re: Having sex with a new person for the first time

Vibrator is the only way some women ever orgasm. Some of them never learn to orgasm without it. It's the "genetic lottery". Some learn techniques through practice with their husband, over time, which result in orgasm for her. Toys can indeed help, like devices which help to directly stimulate the clitoris during intercourse.

A reasonable man should recognize that requiring a vibrator doesn't mean something is "wrong" with him. However, this is probably not where some men are "at".
Your happiness in marriage depends on finding a husband who "has skin in the game" (pun intended) and is there to SHARE sex with you, not with some imaginary "model", not some Hollywood trick-photography. However, this information is insidious falsehood. Even people who would never put on a red cape and jump out a 15th story window, somehow believe that these fictional stories are fact.

If the man is with you out of his love and his devotion for you, you can start by having him use the vibrator on you. He won't object and he won't leave, that is, if he is an upright, loving, sacrificial man such as required to be a good husband.
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post #20 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-11-2017, 11:22 AM
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Re: Having sex with a new person for the first time

The more turned on a woman is the more easily she'll orgasm. I'm guessing that some of your sexual dysfunction with your husband had to do with him not exciting you enough. If the new guy really turns you on then sex will be a lot easier for you to enjoy. There's no need to rush things with him, but yes, you are correct...most guys won't wait indefinitely for a woman.
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post #21 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-11-2017, 11:24 AM
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Re: Having sex with a new person for the first time

Don't sweat it. If you're horny for the dude, go at it!
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post #22 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-11-2017, 12:14 PM Thread Starter
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I want to wait until I'm not so nervous and it happens more naturally. I want it to feel natural and not forced. He's not going to wait around forever. From all the male friends I've talked to, who are in our age range, they wouldn't wait past a few dates.

This is going to be a really stupid question, but do men usually keep condoms on them or should I have some to? I've never used or bought them... embarrassing.

I have seen a sex therapist that helped a bit, but didn't fix anything. It simply made the sex "less bad". I do have anxiety and take a medication for that, but it's normally very under control.
Regardless, you are the preeminent decision maker here! Do not budge before you feel comfortable in your own skin!

Regarding condoms, I would keep a small pack of the better quality brands on hand only breaking them out if your BF says that he doesn't have one on him!

But in this stage of your relationship with him, using them is an absolute must!
Thank you. I'll buy some today, just in case... I won't have sex with him without a condom right now. I think it would be a long time before I am comfortable with that. Hopefully, if sex does come up, he doesn't balk at having to use one.
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post #23 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-11-2017, 12:18 PM
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Re: Having sex with a new person for the first time

Just tell him how you feel, he may be fine with waiting until you're really comfortable. Not all men are going to run for the hills because you aren't jumping into the sack right away. the ones that do are just looking for a hook-up which doesn't sound like what you're after anyway so good riddance.

Honestly, the characteristics you describe would be prized by a lot of men. it wouldn't be seen as a negative.
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post #24 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-11-2017, 01:53 PM
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Re: Having sex with a new person for the first time

@Keira, I would not put so much pressure on myself. Because it creates too much anxiety that is not warranted.

I hardly every get an O from PIV with H on top ....the moons and planets have to be perfectly aligned for that to happen. In order for me to climax I would have to be on top or have some oral or use a toy. Or have them all together.

What I would advice is to have an honest convo with him about waiting until you feel it's the right time.

Next, I will get some toys. Buy a few and try them out to figure out which you like. I would also, start reading some erotic materials. After all sex starts in the brain. Get to know your body by touching yourself and becoming comfortable with touching yourself. Start having Os by yourself and don't be worry about doing it too much at this time. Let your brain become accustom to this exercise. You are training yourself, to enjoy sex.

I would check out Lelo, they make really good toys. A bit expensive but very nice. Some of them are things of beauty.

Hope this helps. And always use condoms...take them with you. A smart man uses them.
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post #25 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-11-2017, 01:53 PM
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Re: Having sex with a new person for the first time

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Originally Posted by Keira View Post
I haven't talked to him about it. I'm scared to push him away. Or sound incredibly stupid, naive and immature. He divorced his wife for a variety of reasons but one was because she stopped having sex with him. I don't want him to be worried he's getting into a similar situation. He doesn't know that my husband left me over sex basically.

I know I need to talk to him though. If nothing more than to just tell him how nervous I am, and that it's been a long time. I feel like he'd understand, but the nerves are stopping me. I need to talk to him today or tomorrow, since we have plans Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday.... It's the "perfect time".

Thank you
To be completely honest with you, and this will be hard - I think he should be made aware of the fact that you don't really get much from sex (at least physically). A huge part of most men's sexuality is in their ability to please their partner, or to have a partner who genuinely loves sex with them.

Why is this important? Because he is obviously concerned enough about sex to have divorced someone over it. And to partake in a relationship with someone who is, for all intents and purposes, not on the same page sexually as him would be disastrous.

As I alluded to in my previous post, you're better off (for now, anyway) with someone who's had similar experiences (or lack thereof) and who is not looking to make up for lost time - as he clearly is.

I think it's important that he know you're not (currently, or have ever been) orgasmic. As I said before, he may take this as a "challenge", so be prepared for that. But that just means more pressure on you. Expect to hear things like "Oh, I'll get you off, baby, don't worry". And you know what? He might. But he probably won't.


"Every time I read your posts about your wife I want to swallow strychnine."
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post #26 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-11-2017, 02:04 PM
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Re: Having sex with a new person for the first time

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It is the rare blooming flower that one seeks in life. Unfortunately your male friends are not to far off the mark, a lot of men just are not patient enough to wait for sex anymore. With the ease that society has moved into the hook-up culture, it can be difficult to find a committed person willing to wait anymore. Add to that all the discussion that I see about men avoiding marriage anymore, it is a hard road to navigate.
It may be that, but it may also be that sexuality, as a whole, is much more talked about these days.

I've never had a true ONS, a FWB, or any kind of 'hook up' in my life. I've had casual sex (with female friends) and relationship sex, and that's about it.

If I had to date again, I wouldn't wait that long, either. For one simple reason - compatibility.

As sex is an important part of a relationship for me (and many others, as we know), determining this compatibility relatively early on is not a bad thing at all. Quite the opposite - it's pretty smart, if you ask me.

I'm not talking 2nd or 3rd date (or any number of dates, really). Just the point that the two of you are evidently compatible in most other ways, and comfortable with one another. It's the logical next step, IMO.

If there's no compatibility in that aspect, it's no different than any other area that the two of you don't jive - provided it's important to one or both of you, of course. For some people, it's faaar down the line of importance, and mediocre sex is just fine. Even no sex, for some.

But in this particular case, sex IS important to him. So she already knows this out of the gate, which is good. If I were dating again, I'd make sure the person I was seeing, and interested in, knew this, too. And I'd expect the same from them, if the opposite were true (ie. didn't have much interest in sex).

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post #27 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-11-2017, 02:18 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by C3156 View Post
It is the rare blooming flower that one seeks in life. Unfortunately your male friends are not to far off the mark, a lot of men just are not patient enough to wait for sex anymore. With the ease that society has moved into the hook-up culture, it can be difficult to find a committed person willing to wait anymore. Add to that all the discussion that I see about men avoiding marriage anymore, it is a hard road to navigate.
It may be that, but it may also be that sexuality, as a whole, is much more talked about these days.

I've never had a true ONS, a FWB, or any kind of 'hook up' in my life. I've had casual sex (with female friends) and relationship sex, and that's about it.

If I had to date again, I wouldn't wait that long, either. For one simple reason - compatibility.

As sex is an important part of a relationship for me (and many others, as we know), determining this compatibility relatively early on is not a bad thing at all. Quite the opposite - it's pretty smart, if you ask me.

I'm not talking 2nd or 3rd date (or any number of dates, really). Just the point that the two of you are evidently compatible in most other ways, and comfortable with one another. It's the logical next step, IMO.

If there's no compatibility in that aspect, it's no different than any other area that the two of you don't jive - provided it's important to one or both of you, of course. For some people, it's faaar down the line of importance, and mediocre sex is just fine. Even no sex, for some.

But in this particular case, sex IS important to him. So she already knows this out of the gate, which is good. If I were dating again, I'd make sure the person I was seeing, and interested in, knew this, too. And I'd expect the same from them, if the opposite were true (ie. didn't have much interest in sex).
It's not that I'm disinterested in sex, I'm not at all, but I know I'm not going to be the world's best partner. I heard my ex-husband talking to friends about the best person he ever had sex with, I'm never going to be that person unless something crazy changes. With my ex-husband we started out having sex daily. It slowly dropped because he lost interest in me. For the last year of our marriage we didn't have any intimacy - he was getting it from someone else. I don't have a problem with frequent sex, but I don't get as much out of it as other people. I know that. I know it's disappointing for men. My ex-husband was never able to satisfy me and it drove him crazy, made him feel like I didn't really love him and led to our divorce. But you are right that he needs to know... He'll probably walk. Might as well be before I sleep with him...
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post #28 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-11-2017, 02:21 PM Thread Starter
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I haven't talked to him about it. I'm scared to push him away. Or sound incredibly stupid, naive and immature. He divorced his wife for a variety of reasons but one was because she stopped having sex with him. I don't want him to be worried he's getting into a similar situation. He doesn't know that my husband left me over sex basically.

I know I need to talk to him though. If nothing more than to just tell him how nervous I am, and that it's been a long time. I feel like he'd understand, but the nerves are stopping me. I need to talk to him today or tomorrow, since we have plans Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday.... It's the "perfect time".

Thank you
To be completely honest with you, and this will be hard - I think he should be made aware of the fact that you don't really get much from sex (at least physically). A huge part of most men's sexuality is in their ability to please their partner, or to have a partner who genuinely loves sex with them.

Why is this important? Because he is obviously concerned enough about sex to have divorced someone over it. And to partake in a relationship with someone who is, for all intents and purposes, not on the same page sexually as him would be disastrous.

As I alluded to in my previous post, you're better off (for now, anyway) with someone who's had similar experiences (or lack thereof) and who is not looking to make up for lost time - as he clearly is.

I think it's important that he know you're not (currently, or have ever been) orgasmic. As I said before, he may take this as a "challenge", so be prepared for that. But that just means more pressure on you. Expect to hear things like "Oh, I'll get you off, baby, don't worry". And you know what? He might. But he probably won't.
You're right that I need to tell him... I don't want to because I know it will most likely make him walk. Everything else is going so well. What ruined my marriage just keeps ruining things. So this post was pointless. Whoever said I should just stay single is probably right.

I was feeling better about seeing him this weekend and maybe sleeping with him but that was stupid.

Last edited by Keira; 10-11-2017 at 02:25 PM.
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post #29 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-11-2017, 03:10 PM
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Re: Having sex with a new person for the first time

If you're "interested" in sex, then you must get aroused/horny...and since you can orgasm solo with a vibrator, I can't help but think your difficulty in sexual encounters has a lot to do with mentality. Either you're over-conditioned to your solo routine or you're so self-conscious of the "problematic" pattern that you can't relax enough during sex.

A priori, I wouldn't be into having a celibate/asexual relationship and held at arms' length for very long, and I suspect many men are in that camp with me. But consider: He's already noted that you aren't having sex, and your reticence will only prompt him to speculate on the reasons, and likely project his own prior negative experiences.

So I would favor having a discussion soonest. Maybe finding out that your reasons aren't what he feared will make him more empathetic and patient. Maybe his compassion and understanding will help you relax enough to enjoy sex.

As for the sex itself, it isn't an all-or-nothing affair. Short of the Big O, you could do a number of mutually enjoyable things now focused on intimacy that would confirm attraction and help you bond and move forward. And if he understands where you're coming from, he might be able to de-emphasize the typical "Well, I'll make her come" challenge-olympics mindset long enough for you to relax and sort things out on your side.
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post #30 of 85 (permalink) Old 10-11-2017, 03:30 PM
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Re: Having sex with a new person for the first time

Just a side note, have you been tested?
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