Singles of TAM 2018 - Page 54 - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #796 of 1413 (permalink) Old 09-14-2018, 09:48 AM
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Re: Singles of TAM 2018

Itís Friday. My ex coworker didnít text like she said she would to let me know if she could meet up today.

Thought of texting her but her not resting is a clear sign she is not interested as I though. Guess it was the booze.

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post #797 of 1413 (permalink) Old 09-14-2018, 09:53 AM
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Re: Singles of TAM 2018

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What can I say I tend to tough it out even when I should throw in the towel (I should have divorced my X at year 5 not 15.5). Didnt really accept it. I coped with it. It put distance between us that didnt have to be there.
In my opinion, where you are probably at fault. Your friends tell you someone isn't good for you and you don't listen.

Now you have 1 or 2 types of friends. The one that give you the medicine, but at the very least they love you and knowing you they have an idea what will or wont work for you. Or the ones that smile and go with it, one way or another always giving bad or selfish advice.

@Ynot - I certainly notice where you are coming from. What I have learned, is that a lot of relationships for whatever reason sound familiar, but each time there is there own particular twist or turn in the story. Another thing I have learned, is that good advice, is always good advice. Overall, I thought your advice was good. There is a reason why these "voices of doubt" can be in our head. It might have nothing to do with her fault, in my opinion.

@bkyln309 - I know why I wait in relationships. That's like a huge huge huge issue that I am working through. I'll keep myself positive about it. I would encourage you to navigate the answer as to why you didn't break up with your first husband, and maybe this second relationship before going into any further level of commitment. (IF You haven't already remarried.) If you have, work on resolving your emotions about it, and give him the love you both deserve. As it seems at the very least he is genuine.

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post #798 of 1413 (permalink) Old 09-14-2018, 09:54 AM
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Re: Singles of TAM 2018

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Originally Posted by bkyln309 View Post
What can I say I tend to tough it out even when I should throw in the towel (I should have divorced my X at year 5 not 15.5). Didnt really accept it. I coped with it. It put distance between us that didnt have to be there.
Omg you too?? This is very much me! In fact, I am pretty much here right now.

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #799 of 1413 (permalink) Old 09-14-2018, 09:57 AM
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Re: Singles of TAM 2018

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In my opinion, where you are probably at fault. Your friends tell you someone isn't good for you and you don't listen.

Now you have 1 or 2 types of friends. The one that give you the medicine, but at the very least they love you and knowing you they have an idea what will or wont work for you. Or the ones that smile and go with it, one way or another always giving bad or selfish advice.

@Ynot - I certainly notice where you are coming from. What I have learned, is that a lot of relationships for whatever reason sound familiar, but each time there is there own particular twist or turn in the story. Another thing I have learned, is that good advice, is always good advice. Overall, I thought your advice was good. There is a reason why these "voices of doubt" can be in our head. It might have nothing to do with her fault, in my opinion.

@bkyln309 - I know why I wait in relationships. That's like a huge huge huge issue that I am working through. I'll keep myself positive about it. I would encourage you to navigate the answer as to why you didn't break up with your first husband, and maybe this second relationship before going into any further level of commitment. (IF You haven't already remarried.) If you have, work on resolving your emotions about it, and give him the love you both deserve. As it seems at the very least he is genuine.
I was talked into staying with my ex by my Christian pastors and friends. The death do us part LIE. HUGE mistake. Spent years fighting the guilt of wanting out until I couldnt take it anymore. My ex did try to alter his ways for a few years but what I now know, people do not change. The core of their character stays the same. He is still spinning in his major issues even after all this time.

My current BF is a good guy. I am just not sure that our futures align despite the fact he says he is interested in that. We are in two very different stages of life. He says he doesnt mind my kids but he doesnt get involved in their lives.
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post #800 of 1413 (permalink) Old 09-14-2018, 10:02 AM
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Re: Singles of TAM 2018

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Itís Friday. My ex coworker didnít text like she said she would to let me know if she could meet up today.

Thought of texting her but her not resting is a clear sign she is not interested as I though. Guess my hot body, the atmosphere, the sudden discovery of mutual feeling and forbidden office love, the steemy kiss, and perhaps too much tongue and booze was enough to leave it as a "good memory category for her and me."
Fixed. Happy Friday man. She could also be lazy and overly embarrassed. On to the next one. You want someone where the level of effort is a scooch easier.

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post #801 of 1413 (permalink) Old 09-14-2018, 10:09 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Singles of TAM 2018

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Originally Posted by bkyln309 View Post
I was talked into staying with my ex by my Christian pastors and friends. The death do us part LIE. HUGE mistake. Spent years fighting the guilt of wanting out until I couldnt take it anymore. My ex did try to alter his ways for a few years but what I now know, people do not change. The core of their character stays the same. He is still spinning in his major issues even after all this time.

My current BF is a good guy. I am just not sure that our futures align despite the fact he says he is interested in that. We are in two very different stages of life. He says he doesnt mind my kids but he doesnt get involved in their lives.
IMO, there is nothing wrong with being in different places. Things happen, it sounds like you have good reason to feel as you do. My point was just that you shouldn't try blaming how you feel now on how others were then. At the time how was then, must have been acceptable to you. But now you feel differently. That is fine, but it is how you feel now, not how he was then. Unless, what you are saying is that as long as he wasn't serious, you were OK with it, but now that he is getting serious, you are not quite so comfortable. But then, that is not how you have come across. Just be honest, first and foremost with yourself but also with him.
I am not busting your chops. But I have been in similar situations, most notably with my ex. She tried to pawn the whole thing off on me. For years I felt a great deal of guilt. But now I realize at that time, I was only doing the best that I knew how to do at that time. If I knew then what I know now, things would have been very different. And the thing is, even now she still is incapable of being honest.
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post #802 of 1413 (permalink) Old 09-14-2018, 03:00 PM
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Re: Singles of TAM 2018

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Itís Friday. My ex coworker didnít text like she said she would to let me know if she could meet up today.

Thought of texting her but her not resting is a clear sign she is not interested as I though. Guess it was the booze.
Don't text her! She said she would text and she didn't. If you were to text a woman that is blowing you off you'd just come off as weak and needy. It sucks, but it wasn't unexpected. If she does contact you for a last minute date tell her you can't because you've already got plans this weekend but then ask her for her schedule next weekend and set a definitive date then. Never do a last minute date because it conveys you don't have a life. Your "plans" for this weekend could be doing laundry and walking your dog, but don't share them and don't change them for her. Also, this might not be over. I've been contacted by women I've asked out over a year after (turned out she had a BF but remembered me and contacted me after they broke up), so just put her in the maybe category and go out with other women.

I don't do second place
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post #803 of 1413 (permalink) Old 09-14-2018, 07:37 PM
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Re: Singles of TAM 2018

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Well you are certainly entitled to your opinion, but it appears that your situation in not at all similar to the one I was responding to. OTOH, I agree that life happens, but the fact that it is now 1.5 years AFTER he overcame his emotional detachment, would lead me to believe that it is her that is getting cold feet but she is trying to blame him for it. Not saying he or she is right or wrong to get cold feet, but at least accept responsibility for something that you are feeling and not try to blame it on some crap from the past.


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I dont have cold feet. But the fact he is glacial in dealing with the issues at hand is concerning. We have some big issues to overcome should we move forward into the next steps. I am not sure he really wants to go the distance as he has been silent on alot for so long.

The fact he lacked confidence in the beginning and played it close to the vest did not set a precedence of trust from the get go. A man holding back early on in the relationship creates a shaky foundation. Had he been more forthcoming from the beginning there would be less doubt now.
I have to say, I'm with @bkyln309 here, and see where she is coming from. If Real Estate came back to me a year [and a half] from now, and said that he was over his commitment issues and wanted to get back together, I would be skeptical and cautious until he backed up those words with actions extensively.

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post #804 of 1413 (permalink) Old 09-14-2018, 09:12 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Singles of TAM 2018

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I have to say, I'm with @bkyln309 here, and see where she is coming from. If Real Estate came back to me a year [and a half] from now, and said that he was over his commitment issues and wanted to get back together, I would be skeptical and cautious until he backed up those words with actions extensively.

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But again, this guy didn't break it off or go away for a year and a half. He was there the whole time and bklyn309 was fine with it. Otherwise I agree because to come back after breaking it off would be a different situation altogether.
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post #805 of 1413 (permalink) Old 09-16-2018, 12:36 AM
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Re: Singles of TAM 2018

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But again, this guy didn't break it off or go away for a year and a half. He was there the whole time and bklyn309 was fine with it. Otherwise I agree because to come back after breaking it off would be a different situation altogether.
Good point.

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post #806 of 1413 (permalink) Old 09-16-2018, 01:57 AM
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Re: Singles of TAM 2018

I am just done.

I don't know what to do. I want Brian L back but I won't get him back because he won't hear me and already has someone else to marry.

I am thinking of going back to my ex-husband, just as what I should do at 54 years of age (today, happy birthday to me). I've been divorced since 2011. I know he wants me back. I think about our kids (adults now), future grandkids. Wouldn't it be easier? If I could deal with it?

He was emotionally abusive during our 15 year marriage; not physically abusive until the end when he hit me in the face and raped me.
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post #807 of 1413 (permalink) Old 09-16-2018, 11:01 AM Thread Starter
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I am just done.

I don't know what to do. I want Brian L back but I won't get him back because he won't hear me and already has someone else to marry.

I am thinking of going back to my ex-husband, just as what I should do at 54 years of age (today, happy birthday to me). I've been divorced since 2011. I know he wants me back. I think about our kids (adults now), future grandkids. Wouldn't it be easier? If I could deal with it?

He was emotionally abusive during our 15 year marriage; not physically abusive until the end when he hit me in the face and raped me.
So being abused, beaten and raped is better than being alone? I think you need to keep working on yourself.
I am not sure where this is coming from, but seriously Hope, you are an intelligent, well educated woman. Stop and think about what you are saying here.
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post #808 of 1413 (permalink) Old 09-16-2018, 11:09 AM
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Re: Singles of TAM 2018

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...at 54 years of age (today, happy birthday to me).
Happy Birthday!!!
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post #809 of 1413 (permalink) Old 09-16-2018, 01:07 PM
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Re: Singles of TAM 2018

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I am just done.

I don't know what to do. I want Brian L back but I won't get him back because he won't hear me and already has someone else to marry.

I am thinking of going back to my ex-husband, just as what I should do at 54 years of age (today, happy birthday to me). I've been divorced since 2011. I know he wants me back. I think about our kids (adults now), future grandkids. Wouldn't it be easier? If I could deal with it?

He was emotionally abusive during our 15 year marriage; not physically abusive until the end when he hit me in the face and raped me.
Birthday blessings to you. You have many good years ahead of you!

You are thinking about going back to an emotionally and physically abusive marriage as what you should do?

To me this is unclear thinking. Once physical abuse has occurred, it is easier the next time. Emotional abuse is just as damaging if not more so. Is someone else putting these ideas into your head? What kind of example will you really be setting for kids and grand-kids?

Is this depression speaking? Please think long and hard before settling....
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post #810 of 1413 (permalink) Old 09-17-2018, 01:18 AM
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Re: Singles of TAM 2018

The night he hit me, it was something I could see. I could look in the mirror and SEE it. It was proof. Before that I kept thinking that if I did X or didn't do Y then I would fix it. But finally there was proof.

My family could see it, all of those years we were married. My mom, dad, siblings. They begged me to get out. But I had to have a fist in my eye to SEE it. It only happened once, and it healed. All the emotional/verbal abuse crap doesn't heal. But still, I had to see it to get out.
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