Singles of TAM 2019

Ynot · Jan 7, 2019

New year, new thread!

So I just got back from my vacation. I traveled all over Florida. I am positive that I missed more than a few places suggested by you guys. So I apologize.
But it was a fun trip. I put over 3000 miles on a rental care over 17 days of my trip. I started in Columbus Ohio. Traveled to Charlotte then to Vidalia Georgia. I went to Savannah one night and then went back two days later. Then I went to St Augustine. From there I went to Titusville. Then to Pompano Beach. I traveled thru the Everglades. Went Everglade City. Stayed in Fort Myers. Went to St Pete and then Gainesville and Jacksonville. Then I went to Charleston SC, before heading back to Charlotte and back home.

Not · Mar 27, 2019

Thanks 3x. Re: the assumption of a dark motive. Yeah, I do that. Partly because of my history of being with someone who was a completely different person inside the home and a great guy outside of the home. So I keep myself open to the fact that this guy may not be an innocent victim in all of this. Also, because it seemed that my co-workers focus on sex was so off balance because according to him they had a normal sex life up until the end, I assumed his focus on sex was what was fueling his actions with me. I get that lack of sex can be frustrating but I've gone without for over 8 years so he kind of sounds like a whiny brat to me. Three months? Pfft!

Also, he has had at least one affair that I know of, with someone here at work. This happened before my time here. I totally forgot to include that piece of info in my OP. So that has also played a role in how I see him. I don't know how that whole thing went over with his wife, he doesn't talk about it.

3Xnocharm · Mar 27, 2019

Not said:
Thanks 3x. Re: the assumption of a dark motive. Yeah, I do that. Partly because of my history of being with someone who was a completely different person inside the home and a great guy outside of the home. So I keep myself open to the fact that this guy may not be an innocent victim in all of this. Also, because it seemed that my co-workers focus on sex was so off balance because according to him they had a normal sex life up until the end, I assumed his focus on sex was what was fueling his actions with me. I get that lack of sex can be frustrating but I've gone without for over 8 years so he kind of sounds like a whiny brat to me. Three months? Pfft!

Right?? Pssht, AMATEUR! (4 years, here!)

Ragnar Ragnasson · Mar 28, 2019

8 yrs? 4 yrs?

That's a long time. I have questions but am not asking.

Not · Mar 28, 2019

Ask away

2&out · Mar 29, 2019

I guess I'll make a likely unpopular comment. A no sex "relationship" is simply an acquaintance / someone you know. Not anyone "special". Unless your maybe 13 yrs old or just met.

Is semi sad and to me surprising, to see what appear to me like some smart nice ladies here have had no more than a hey - how's it going - man relationships for years. In the world I live in you are wanted and if you make yourself available/visible to suitors you'll be found/pursued for more than just an acquaintance. Just my humble opinion.

Lila · Mar 29, 2019

2&out said:
I guess I'll make a likely unpopular comment. A no sex "relationship" is simply an acquaintance / someone you know. Not anyone "special". Unless your maybe 13 yrs old or just met.

The other side of that coin is that an only sex "relationship" is just a **** buddy.

Is semi sad and to me surprising, to see what appear to me like some smart nice ladies here have had no more than a hey - how's it going - man relationships for years. In the world I live in you are wanted and if you make yourself available/visible to suitors you'll be found/pursued for more than just an acquaintance. Just my humble opinion.

In my experience and based on what many of the smart nice ladies here and elsewhere have said, many of the "suitors" who go after those women who are available/visible are looking for the sexual benefits without the investment of a relationship.

I know that if I'm going to maintain a meaningless sexual "relationship" then I am going to do so with the hottest, sexiest, and most generous (time and resources) Playboy(s) I can nab. I mean, if it's meaningless then there's no need to worry about monogamy, being emotionally supportive, or anything else that goes with being a girlfriend, right? Its the human dildo experience. Might as well use the finest dildo that can get the job done. I know many women would rather abstain than use men in this capacity.

sunsetmist · Mar 29, 2019

Some of us are 'picky' and have conservative values when it comes to a sexual relationship. Then, again, sometimes time is not planned, but is result of life circumstances.

Ragnar Ragnasson · Mar 29, 2019

@3Xnocharm

Thanks for answering.

It's a reality there are many facets to any relationship. Especially ltrs.

As in a navigational gimbal, as long as any one or related items don't pull ones "ship" into a truly intolerable direction or imminent crash heading it's sometimes preferable to ride it out.

The gimbal can spin, wobble, and will eventually right itself, until it won't. It may never fully crash.

It's up to the pilot to determine if the overall flight is still within reasonable trajectory, all things considered.

Thanks for answering!

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FeministInPink · Mar 29, 2019

@3Xnocharm

As Dan Savage would say, DTMFA.

Seriously, you deserve better. Any more time you spend with him is time wasted when you could be with someone who wants to be WITH YOU, and who will do whatever he needs to to to keep you and keep you happy. Drummer boy clearly isn't up to task.

I know you've invested a lot of time and emotion into him and into this, long before he was ever on board. I think you built it up in your mind how great things with him would be, and you fell in love with an idealized version of him, and the real-life actual him is failing to meet your expectations. You don't want to feel like all of that was wasted time, and I think that's why you're hanging on... you want him to make all that time worth it. But he's not going to, and he never will. You can't get back the time you've already invested, but you can stop wasting your time moving forward.

If you have to convince and persuade someone to be with you, then they don't really want to be with you. You put a lot of time in convincing him he should be with you, and his behavior is making it clear that he doesn't really want to be with you.

Just rip off that band-aid already so you can start moving forward with your life and stop wasting your time.

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3Xnocharm · Mar 29, 2019

FeministInPink said:
Just rip off that band-aid already so you can start moving forward with your life and stop wasting your time.

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I know I know I know!

Lila · Mar 29, 2019

@3Xnocharm you are an incredible and worthy person. Only you can decide if what you are getting from your bf is enough. There is no shame in thinking it is just as there is none in saying it isn't. But in my humble opinion, I think you deserve more.

Wolf1974 · Mar 29, 2019

Bought the ring today and mapped out the location of the purposal. T minus 28 days

3Xnocharm · Mar 29, 2019

Exciting!!

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AVR1962 · Mar 30, 2019

I am back with the man I have been dating for 1 1/2 years. I broke up with him and 10 days later he asked to talk. I expressed my concerns, he told me that he loved me dearly. My heart did a pitter patter and we will go from here.

Wolf1974 · Mar 30, 2019

Has he made changes from when you broke up with him? Will things be different you think?

Lila · Mar 31, 2019

Congratulations @Wolf1974!! So happy to hear that you are happy with this new chapter in your life.

AVR1962 · Mar 31, 2019

I went to see my counselor to clear all the stuff from my head and try to understand my own thoughts and feelings. I realized, with the counselor's help, that I had a half foot out the door with this man, waiting for someone else to come back in my life. I know that sounds bizarre. When I broke things off with the man I had been dating for 1 1/2 years I was able to let go of the the man. Not sure how all that works. But I also realized too I needed to take a closer look at myself and my behavior that was not working in relationships. I decided to do NOTHING. I am normally the one that has to get the air clear. I am the one that spills my guts and everything is on the table. I am expressive. I have since the break up just let life happen and I have stepped back so this man could step up if he chose to. Livvie, to answer your question [Telling you he loves you doesn't tell you what behaviors he thinks we're detrimental to you, and why and how he wants to/plans to change them. Did you discuss that aspect?] Yes...and I am very aware of your statement. Right now I am him make the contact and feeling better about it. My counselor helped me to understand that right now I don't have to "give." I can receive and watch how he treats me. Not with a negative, watching eye but giving him space to show me who he is.

Yesterday was my annual big event, something that takes me 3 months to prepare for (3 months of hard work that can be very stressful). He was there and was a wonderful presence and support. Afterwards he took me to dinner and we just laughed and enjoyed each other's company. I realized too with the help of my counselor that it is his values that I like about this man. I have not been able to share certain aspects of life with another man like I have with this man. My counselor told me to not just look at at what I like about him but to pay attention too to how he treats me, not everyone else, me. She felt I had made things clear to him how I felt. My ex would have been passive-aggressive and full of revenge which I prepared myself for. No sign of bitterness and since I backed off he has been more in the pursuit seat which I like.

attheend02 · Apr 2, 2019

Well... some don't consider me single, but... as my father used to say... "scr#@w em if they can't take a joke"

Just moved into my new apartment - House closes on the 11th of April. Was a little nervous about laying out the money.
Boxes everywhere, but I took the time to make my new bed. Laying on it and reflecting...

I have NEVER been on my own. Roommates in college (flunked out), lived with a girl and her child when I was 19, moved back home, then moved in with my future wife at 21.

Amazing to me that this is the first time that I have actually lived on my own at 51.

Of course I forgot all of my silverware, so I can't eat in my new apartment.

3Xnocharm · Apr 3, 2019

Welcome to the club! Being on your own can be intimidating, but really it’s awesome! You just have to get through the adjustment period. It’s so great being able to do everything your own way! In fact, the longer I am on my own, the more I question whether I would actually be able to live with a partner anymore lol!

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Not · Apr 3, 2019

I went a second date, my first. While I was out to dinner my son called and I told him I was out to dinner so I would call him back later.

When I called him later he asked if I had been out on a date, I told him yes. I hadn’t told him I was dating, just didn’t want to go there after my youngest got really upset about it and said if I brought anyone to the house while she’s here all hell will break loose. Ugh.

My son asked me if I didn’t think it was a little too soon and I said no, it’s been over a year. Then he asks if dad knows. More ugh. I told him I had no idea and it didn’t matter because we’re divorced.

I have no plans on bringing anyone into my home for a while and planned on taking things really slow as far as my kids are concerned. Their reactions though have really brought me down. I’ve been alone for a long time. I haven’t been hugged or kissed or touched in any way in years and I need all of that. I don’t need serious commitment, just someone I like and trust to spend time with in that way and if it blossoms into something more later then wonderful.

What I don’t want though is to drag someone into a situation where my kids make things hard for us to spend time together or get rude because they are not ready for mom to move on. My oldest says she’s ok with it, says it’s just the natural next step but I think it bothers her at the same time. She seems worried lately.

I got a hug and a kiss on that second date, just a kiss on the cheek but it was so much more than I’ve had in almost a decade.

Just need to semi vent and release some of this worry.

notmyjamie · Apr 3, 2019

Not said:
I went a second date, my first. While I was out to dinner my son called and I told him I was out to dinner so I would call him back later.

I got a hug and a kiss on that second date, just a kiss on the cheek but it was so much more than I’ve had in almost a decade.

Just need to semi vent and release some of this worry.

I feel like if I ever do go on another date I'd be able to write this exact thing. I've had no physical attention for years, forget sex. My youngest 15yo recently made sure to tell me that "just because people break up it doesn't mean they need to go find someone else" so I know dating will not be something she'll accept easily. She is taking her anger on the separation out on just me and I'm getting no support from STBX even though the divorce is 100% his fault.

You are doing nothing wrong. You're divorced and you have a right to see who you want. Keep your relationship to yourself for a while. Don't introduce your kids to anyone right away. It might go easier that way. I hope you get a third date to enjoy!!

Lila · Apr 3, 2019

@Not and @Notmyjane do your exes have any custody of the children?

Have either of you tried family therapy? That might help your kids with the transition.

notmyjamie · Apr 4, 2019

We do not have a formal custody arrangement yet. I moved into a separate apartment that is part of our existing house. So my kids can go back and forth between the apartments as much as they want. We will most likely settle on 50/50 custody since we'll be living like this until my 15yo graduates from school. Then we'll sell the house and move on. I never thought I'd want time to move faster to her graduation.

My daughter is in therapy and I know her therapist talks to her about the separation and how parents can still love you but not each other, etc, etc. I think my mistake was telling the kids we were separating when in reality I know we're divorcing. I thought proceeding slowly would be better and give them time to adjust but now I think she just needs to hear we're not getting back together. Any time I have her and her sister over for dinner she gets super mad at me for not inviting her father and accuses me of not trying to fix things with him. Of course, when he orders dinner out for himself and the kids and excludes me she doesn't get upset with him at all. When I tell him she's angry at me again he offers zero support to me at all despite the fact that I've done all I can to make sure he is not seen as a bad guy. He married me under extremely false pretenses and deceived me horribly. I have kept this info from my children and so he's protected from their anger and he does nothing to make sure I'm not the bad guy even though I did nothing wrong. I'm not sure if he's just lazy, clueless, emotionally unable to discuss the separation with his kids, or a selfish *******. I think it's a combination of all of them to be honest.

Lila · Apr 4, 2019

I deleted my online dating profile back in February but not before going on about a dozen first dates. A handful of them turned into second dates and 3 (Big Country, Alma Mater, and IT) turned into "let's see where this goes". I have learned a lot from all of them and this post is to reflect on what I learned from IT. Ariana Grande - Thank U, Next.

IT is a tall, average looking guy whose profile pictures made him look less attractive than he actually turned out to be in real life. I ended up messaging with him after mistakenly "liking" him on Match and felt I owed him that. After a minimal number of back and forths, he asked to meet for a quick drink. I was bored so I agreed to go for one drink and 30 minutes tops. I made sure to pick a night where I had somewhere else to be later. What should have been a 30 minute drink stop turned into a 5 hour long first date complete with dinner, drinks, and dancing. It was unlike any other first date on which I'd been. There was definitely a lot of chemistry. He asked to meet me the next day but I had already made plans with someone else. Going in I knew it was going to be a while (8 days) before I could see him again.

Red Flag #1: A few days after our first date he calls to tell me he met a wonderful woman IRL and wanted to pursue that relationship. I was genuinely happy for him and thanked him for not ghosting. We ended it with "don't be a stranger". I went on to do my thing and didn't give him another thought.

Six weeks later he messages me to see how I'm doing (it was the Sunday after Big Country's funeral and I wasn't doing well). IT was no longer dating the other woman and wanted to offer his support. We saw each other 4 times in about a week during which there was lots of kissing and heavy petting but no sex.

Red Flag #2 - he kept telling me that the reason why he picked the other woman over me had nothing to do with physical appearance. He kept reiterating how much more physically attractive I was than her. It was weird since I never brought up the other woman or his reasons for pursuing that relationship. I just took him at his word - he felt a connection with her that he hadn't felt with me.

Red Flag #3 - I will admit the last time we got together I was the one pushing for sex and he told me we needed to slow down.

He let me know earlier this week that he was not ready for a serious relationship but that we could still "hangout". I am thankful he didn't have sex with me and then dump me.

What I learned from IT: 1) never be someone's Plan B. The reason(s) I wasn't his first choice did not magically disappear; 2) run when a man continually compares me to his previous girlfriend. He's trying to rationalize settling; 3) a man who is genuinely attracted and interested won't turn down sex.

The rejection stings my ego but I am not sad or disappointed. What does that say about me?

Deejo · Apr 5, 2019

Lila said:
The rejection stings my ego but I am not sad or disappointed. What does that say about me?

It says you recognize and understand the terrain upon which you find yourself deployed.

Nobody likes rejection. But being someone who trains themselves to detach or dispassionately acknowledge why a potential partner chooses to end a relationship without regarding it as a failure or rejection that reflects directly on themselves? That makes you a professional.

Hope Shimmers · Apr 4, 2019

Hey everyone, I have been MIA for awhile. I was just discharged from a 42-day inpatient hospital stay for double pneumonia and resultant kidney failure/dialysis. I wasn't supposed to live during the first 10 days in the ICU on a ventilator, so I'm very grateful to be here. I had to have physical and speech therapy rehab and re-learn to walk again.

All of this has made some of the other ridiculous stuff that went on in my life look really stupid.

I'm not seeing anyone right now. Living by myself and enjoying it with no interest in getting tied up in any more horrible relationships. I am alone but never lonely.

Hope everyone is doing well.

sunsetmist · Apr 4, 2019

Wicked scary. One learns what is most important in life. Hope you have some support. You are tough in the best way!

3Xnocharm · Apr 4, 2019

Wow Hope, how scary!! I am so glad you are here and recovering!

FeministInPink · Apr 4, 2019

@HopeShimmers WOW. I am really glad that you came through that and I'm glad to see you're back. That type of experience definitely changes your outlook on life, I bet.

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Hope Shimmers · Apr 4, 2019

Thank you. It changed me in a huge way. I'm not the same person I was before.

Lila · Apr 4, 2019

@Hope Shimmers sounds like you've been through the ringer. Did you have anyone there to help you through it?

Hope Shimmers · Apr 5, 2019

My family and some friends were there. My three adult children (who live all over the country) were there too.

I don't remember much about the time in the ICU. I was really out of it, and hallucinating. Some of the things I remember didn't actually happen according to my family.

Betrayedone · Apr 8, 2019

I doubt it.......

Lila · Apr 8, 2019

Lol, I don't know man. Some days.......

FeministInPink · Apr 9, 2019

@Lila What I'm saying is, don't lower your standards to accept someone who won't climb the tree.

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Lila · Apr 9, 2019

@FeministInPink, I am going to start up a thread in general about Quality Woman characters. Your feedback would be welcome as well as it may open up some debate on the topic.

FeministInPink · Apr 10, 2019

Ok, I'll look for it.

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Cynthia · Apr 10, 2019

@3Xnocharm, I'm sorry you are still with your boyfriend. I don't know why you think he's your best friend. He is making you feel bad about yourself. With friends like that, who needs enemies! Right? Am I right?

You could find much better woman friends who would do more for you and be mutually satisfying relationships without any sexual pressure involved at all.

What is holding you back from breaking up with him? What are you afraid of?

(I know this is the singles thread, but I've seen a couple of married folks post here and hope it's okay to chime in.)

Singles of TAM 2019

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