FIP - maybe you are over-thinking this ? You broke up 2 months ago and your still spending all this time and energy living in the past and evaluating ? Maybe time move on ? Or is your real hope and plan to say what happened is your fault and twist his arm into getting back together ? I don't think your helping yourself or him trying to "understand" all the not solvable details of if, or, why, etc.. It just keeps the wound open - not heal. Guess I thought by after 25 or so all knew/know clean breaks are always best.
I respectfully disagree. I am trying to learn from my failures and grow as a person, and that requires introspection. An eye towards oneself and the situation that is both critical and compassionate, which can identify the unhealthy behaviors so that I can make changes and do better in my next relationship. THIS is the healing.
What do you do after a big project at work? You sit down and debrief. Talk through the steps of the project, identify pain points and unanticipated problems, and discuss possible solutions and improvements so the next one will be better. This is the exact same thing, but I've been debriefing as a team of one.
I am finding all this incredibly helpful, and I think it will be helpful to him as well, if he wants to take advantage of it. You can't fix a problem until you know what the problem IS. I want him to be happy, and I want him to have the same opportunity to grow, if he wants it, and that is why I want to talk to him. And I also want to apologize in person for the ways that I've only recently realized that I hurt him. Because when you've hurt someone, you apologize. Guess I thought by after 25 or so all know that apologizing when you've hurt someone is best.
I never said this was all my fault, and I would never say that. He and I are equally responsible, but up until very recently I have been faulting him for everything, and that was unfair. And he has taken the blame for the whole thing whenever anyone asks him about it--even his friends and family--so no one would think less of me. That is the type of man who deserves a freaking apology and acknowledgement from me.
And no, I'm not going to twist his arm to get back together. That type of behavior would feed directly into the anxious-avoidant cycle, and would be bad for both of us, and would likely trigger both of us in different ways. When we broke up, I told him that I would be willing to reconcile if he would work on his issues, so he knows that already. So I feel no need to suggest it again.
AND SERIOUSLY, WHO THE **** gets over a 2.5 yr serious relationship with a person they loved very deeply in just a few months??? If you seriously believe that, then you sound like a pretty cold and heartless bastard. I have several friends who are therapists and 1) they all think that it will take me a year, and 2) they are proud of me for the emotional discoveries and progress that I have made.