Vulnerability and Level of Effort when Dating - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

User Tag List

 14Likes
  • 2 Post By Lila
  • 1 Post By Married but Happy
  • 1 Post By Casual Observer
  • 3 Post By badsanta
  • 1 Post By BioFury
  • 1 Post By Faithful Wife
  • 1 Post By arbitrator
  • 1 Post By Girl_power
  • 2 Post By badsanta
  • 1 Post By minimalME
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 14 (permalink) Old 10-08-2019, 07:07 PM Thread Starter
Moderator
 
Lila's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 4,735
Vulnerability and Level of Effort when Dating

@badsanta mentioned something on my thread that I thought would make for an interesting conversation about vulnerability in dating.

There are 8 basic characteristics for actively vulnerable people:

1. Vulnerable people try new experiences.
2. They donít avoid negative emotions.
3. They accept that bad things happen in life.
4. They value relationships that have more emotional intimacy.
5. Vulnerable people connect with strangers.
6. They make great leaders.
7. Theyíre kind to themselves.
8. They embrace their vulnerability.

Single people of TAM:

1) On a scale of 1 - 10 where 1 = It doesn't cross your mind and 10 = You're aggressively looking

How much effort are you willing to put into dating in order to find a relationship partner?

2) On a scale of 1 - 10 where 1 = Shrek and 10 = Donkey (from the Shrek movies)

How vulnerable are you when looking for a relationship partner? Is there anything that impacts the level of vulnerability you portray to potential partners?

3) How many of the 8 characteristics of vulnerable people mentioned above do you regularly display? Which ones are they?

Lila is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 14 (permalink) Old 10-08-2019, 07:34 PM
Member
 
Married but Happy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: Reno, NV
Posts: 5,726
Re: Vulnerability and Level of Effort when Dating

I'd say 9, 9, all, for both of us. We make the effort, but it is backed up by high compatibility. However, we are also this way with new friends and potential lovers as well.

Love is an ideal thing; marriage is a real thing; a confusion of the real with the ideal never goes unpunished. - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

CELIBACY IS NOT HEREDITARY.
Married but Happy is offline  
post #3 of 14 (permalink) Old 10-08-2019, 08:07 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: West Coast USA
Posts: 1,297
Re: Vulnerability and Level of Effort when Dating

I think letting my own vulnerability hang out in the open to dry is the simple part. The tough part is trying to find someone else equally open/vulnerable. I believe the vulnerable person understands and respects boundaries, while the less-vulnerable, less-open person is more likely to use "assumed" boundaries to their own purposes.

I am, by far, orders of magnitude, the more-vulnerable and more-open person in our marriage. I did not know that when we were dating. Ironically, I think the more-vulnerable person may put less effort (perhaps "angst" would be the better term?) into dating, because they aren't looking to erect walls around their emotions. They're more interested in someone a bit different from themselves.

Or am I missing the point here?

Last edited by Casual Observer; 10-08-2019 at 08:14 PM.
Casual Observer is offline  
 
post #4 of 14 (permalink) Old 10-08-2019, 09:18 PM
Member
 
badsanta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Southpole!
Posts: 4,401
Re: Vulnerability and Level of Effort when Dating

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lila View Post
@badsanta mentioned something on my thread that I thought would make for an interesting conversation about vulnerability in dating.

There are 8 basic characteristics for actively vulnerable people:

1. Vulnerable people try new experiences.
@Lila I'll stay out of this thread since I am married. But I will comment that my wife wants me to be a better boyfriend and go out on dates with her. She pointed out #1 as the thing I need to work on the most. As I get older, #1 gets harder as I admit I am getting rather set in my ways. When I go out, I prefer to know exactly where I am going, know where I am parking, and already have planned what to order. And this is because I have ordered it before and I know I will like it.

My wife's idea of a fun evening is to get in the car with no plans and go somewhere new (preferably downtown with live music). For reasons I do not understand I get anxiety attacks just thinking about it, but I know this is part of myself I know I need to improve. So I am working on it.



So here is to me getting out of my shell and learning to go new places, trying to relax and have fun.

Cheers,
Badsanta
badsanta is offline  
post #5 of 14 (permalink) Old 10-08-2019, 09:19 PM
Member
 
BioFury's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Stars & Stripes
Posts: 1,541
Re: Vulnerability and Level of Effort when Dating

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lila View Post
@badsanta mentioned something on my thread that I thought would make for an interesting conversation about vulnerability in dating.

There are 8 basic characteristics for actively vulnerable people:

1. Vulnerable people try new experiences.
2. They don’t avoid negative emotions.
3. They accept that bad things happen in life.
4. They value relationships that have more emotional intimacy.
5. Vulnerable people connect with strangers.
6. They make great leaders.
7. They’re kind to themselves.
8. They embrace their vulnerability.

Single people of TAM:

1) On a scale of 1 - 10 where 1 = It doesn't cross your mind and 10 = You're aggressively looking

How much effort are you willing to put into dating in order to find a relationship partner?

2) On a scale of 1 - 10 where 1 = Shrek and 10 = Donkey (from the Shrek movies)

How vulnerable are you when looking for a relationship partner? Is there anything that impacts the level of vulnerability you portray to potential partners?

3) How many of the 8 characteristics of vulnerable people mentioned above do you regularly display? Which ones are they?
1) - Ten.
2) - 7-8. I'm very transparent, but that seems to freak girls out. As I say or admit things most people wouldn't reveal. So I'm trying to tone it down. It's when I start to invest in people, and tell them how I feel, that they usually leave. After letting gratify their ego for a few days, weeks, or months, that is.

3)
1. Vulnerable people try new experiences. - Not often.
2. They don’t avoid negative emotions. - Sometimes? Rather broad question.
3. They accept that bad things happen in life. - I guess. I still think they suck.
4. They value relationships that have more emotional intimacy. - Definitely.
5. Vulnerable people connect with strangers. - No.
6. They make great leaders. - I can lead if I need to, but shouting "follow me" as I rush into the breach isn't my natural tendency.
7. They’re kind to themselves. - *shrug* I buy myself pizza?
8. They embrace their vulnerability. - I do. Though I feel like it harms me more than it helps me a lot. Being vulnerable evidently isn't a very "strong" characteristic. Talking about and revealing my feelings seems to push girls away.

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.

Last edited by BioFury; 10-08-2019 at 09:26 PM.
BioFury is offline  
post #6 of 14 (permalink) Old 10-09-2019, 12:50 AM
Member
 
Faithful Wife's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 16,682
Re: Vulnerability and Level of Effort when Dating

1. Sometimes 0, sometimes 10. I get really energized by it for periods of time, and completely step away from it for periods of time.

2. I donít reveal a lot of myself at first. So in that sense Iím not willing to be extremely vulnerable with a new person. I think I am slowly vulnerable enough to begin opening up over time. But never all at once. I donít want someone else to just open up and spill all of their stuff at once on me either, usually. Itís a process.

3. I think I display all of these except 5 and 6. Iím not necessarily a great leader, and I definitely do not go out of my way to meet strangers. I mean, other than going on OLD dates. In that sense, Iím pretty bold about meeting strangers. But never just out and about somewhere. Sometimes Iíll be with friends and they will end up meeting strangers that they bring into the fold and I might meet someone that way.
Faithful Wife is offline  
post #7 of 14 (permalink) Old 10-09-2019, 07:04 AM Thread Starter
Moderator
 
Lila's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 4,735
Re: Vulnerability and Level of Effort when Dating

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lila View Post
@badsanta mentioned something on my thread that I thought would make for an interesting conversation about vulnerability in dating.

There are 8 basic characteristics for actively vulnerable people:

1. Vulnerable people try new experiences.
2. They donít avoid negative emotions.
3. They accept that bad things happen in life.
4. They value relationships that have more emotional intimacy.
5. Vulnerable people connect with strangers.
6. They make great leaders.
7. Theyíre kind to themselves.
8. They embrace their vulnerability.


1) I am probably a 3 on the dating effort scale. Not really actively searching but I am open to something dropping on my lap.

2) Genuinely closer to Shrek than to Donkey so I'll say 4 on the vulnerability scale.

3) .....

1. Vulnerable people try new experiences. - 5. I'll am open to trying new experiences but I prefer routine. I think it has less to do with vulnerability and more to do with laziness. Usually trying new things takes effort.

2. They donít avoid negative emotions - 2. Yeah, I do avoid negative emotions on the regular and then release it all at once. I'm like an inactive volcano - dormant for a really long time then I blow up taking everything out around me.

3. They accept that bad things happen in life. 4. - I understand bad things happen in life but I do dwell on the unfairness sometimes. On the other hand, I refuse to give up hope. I have tried talking myself out of it but that darn hope is too strong.

4. They value relationships that have more emotional intimacy. 5. - Not really. I value all my relationships even the fluffy ones. I would be overwhelmed having only emotionally intimate relationships all of the time. There has to be balance.

5. Vulnerable people connect with strangers. - 7. I will talk to anyone at just about any time but I wouldn't go out of my way to connect with a stranger.

6. They make great leaders. - 10. Strangely, I am a natural born leader not because I want to be, but because people naturally follow me. I think it's because I'm responsible.

7. Theyíre kind to themselves. - 5. Some things I am. Some things I'm not.

8. They embrace their vulnerability. - 2. Not really. I'm Shrek. I have layers.
Lila is offline  
post #8 of 14 (permalink) Old 10-09-2019, 08:32 AM
Member
 
arbitrator's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Texas/Brazos Valley
Posts: 16,179
Cool Re: Vulnerability and Level of Effort when Dating

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lila View Post
@badsanta mentioned something on my thread that I thought would make for an interesting conversation about vulnerability in dating.

There are 8 basic characteristics for actively vulnerable people:

1. Vulnerable people try new experiences.
2. They don’t avoid negative emotions.
3. They accept that bad things happen in life.
4. They value relationships that have more emotional intimacy.
5. Vulnerable people connect with strangers.
6. They make great leaders.
7. They’re kind to themselves.
8. They embrace their vulnerability.

Single people of TAM:

1) On a scale of 1 - 10 where 1 = It doesn't cross your mind and 10 = You're aggressively looking

How much effort are you willing to put into dating in order to find a relationship partner?

2) On a scale of 1 - 10 where 1 = Shrek and 10 = Donkey (from the Shrek movies)

How vulnerable are you when looking for a relationship partner? Is there anything that impacts the level of vulnerability you portray to potential partners?

3) How many of the 8 characteristics of vulnerable people mentioned above do you regularly display? Which ones are they?
To a greater or lesser extent, Ol' Arb displays signs of most or all of these characteristics.

To wit, and with my inbuilt sense of caution and skepticism, I'd be rather inclined to say that my rating would now be somewhere in the 8.5-9.5 range!

I no longer consider myself as good relationship material!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story!
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
arbitrator is offline  
post #9 of 14 (permalink) Old 10-09-2019, 10:12 AM
Member
 
Blondilocks's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: SoCal
Posts: 7,188
Re: Vulnerability and Level of Effort when Dating

Quote:
Originally Posted by badsanta View Post
@Lila I'll stay out of this thread since I am married. But I will comment that my wife wants me to be a better boyfriend and go out on dates with her. She pointed out #1 as the thing I need to work on the most. As I get older, #1 gets harder as I admit I am getting rather set in my ways. When I go out, I prefer to know exactly where I am going, know where I am parking, and already have planned what to order. And this is because I have ordered it before and I know I will like it.

My wife's idea of a fun evening is to get in the car with no plans and go somewhere new (preferably downtown with live music). For reasons I do not understand I get anxiety attacks just thinking about it, but I know this is part of myself I know I need to improve. So I am working on it.



So here is to me getting out of my shell and learning to go new places, trying to relax and have fun.

Cheers,
Badsanta
This is right in tune with your not liking "quickies". You say you want the anticipation; but is it more a sense of control you enjoy?

I could give up chocolate but I'm not a quitter.
Blondilocks is offline  
post #10 of 14 (permalink) Old 10-09-2019, 10:20 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 1,340
Re: Vulnerability and Level of Effort when Dating

I am very vulnerable. But I also like to believe I am smart with who I choose to be vulnerable with. My screening process is strict so I am not giving my time and effort and insides to people I view as risky.

Girl_power is offline  
post #11 of 14 (permalink) Old 10-09-2019, 12:03 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 6,798
Re: Vulnerability and Level of Effort when Dating

I have often wondered what is the difference between being needy and being vulnerable.
NextTimeAround is offline  
post #12 of 14 (permalink) Old 10-09-2019, 12:03 PM
Member
 
badsanta's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Southpole!
Posts: 4,401
Re: Vulnerability and Level of Effort when Dating

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blondilocks View Post
This is right in tune with your not liking "quickies". You say you want the anticipation; but is it more a sense of control you enjoy?
I'm too needy. I want the premium package. I want the full service love package that I have not behaved well enough to earn. When my wife gives in for something more than just a quickie she will be like, "You do NOT deserve this!" I'll smile and be like a kid that is doing some B&E at the candy store!

Regards,
Badsanta
badsanta is offline  
post #13 of 14 (permalink) Old 10-10-2019, 07:14 AM
Forum Supporter
 
minimalME's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Posts: 5,322
Re: Vulnerability and Level of Effort when Dating

Vulnerability in general is extremely uncomfortable (for fear of rejection), and I consistently find that people prefer me quiet and mysterious - rather than knowing the reality of who I am.

In real life, that translates into being selectively mute. And since I prefer writing to speaking, on a day to day basis, I communicate with all of you more than anyone I'm face to face with.

1. I love new experiences, but having a purpose/goal tends to motivate me more than just going out into the world and doing.

2. I'm avoidant in may ways, but I do prefer negative issues to be dealt with. My negative self-talk is almost innate, so I have to work at controlling my thoughts.

3. I do accept that bad things happen in life. That's not a problem for me at all.

4. For me, seeking emotional intimacy is like chasing a unicorn.

5. I don't connect in general. Inside me, I feel like I have random moments of connecting with people, but nothing consistent or significant.

6. I have a very low threshold for frustration and so make a horrid leader.

7. Kindness to myself and others isn't difficult. I forgive easily.

8. Alone I can be honest and vulnerable - say in my prayers. And I do try with people, but usually fail. Those failures (which I'd describe as feeling hurt) are the only times I feel a sense of loneliness.

Last edited by minimalME; 10-10-2019 at 07:22 AM.
minimalME is offline  
post #14 of 14 (permalink) Old 10-19-2019, 05:53 PM
Member
 
Wolf1974's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Colorado
Posts: 5,551
Re: Vulnerability and Level of Effort when Dating

Due to my past I am very much a wade into the shallow end kinda guy. I had zero expectations when dating. I just assumed it wouldnít work out long term and just enjoyed the experience while it lasted. This kept dating fun and never stressful In 10 years of being divorced I had 3 GF who I dated longer than 6 months. Something was different about each of them that peaked my interest very early on. As time went by I went for 0-10 in most categories. I always will have trouble being vulnerable completely with a woman because of past abuse but the other categories went up for sure.
Wolf1974 is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in










Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome