Statistically low odds - Page 10 - Talk About Marriage
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post #136 of 141 (permalink) Old 11-14-2019, 05:09 PM
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Re: Statistically low odds

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Originally Posted by lifeistooshort View Post
Point taken, but I do think we should be open to a relationship that doesn't necessarily give everything that one needs. Depending on what one needs it may not be reasonable, and getting most of our needs met might be ok.

Some things I'm only going to get from my close girlfriends.....like long, emotional conversations.

It would be a shame to pass up a great partner because a couple of things were lacking.

But of course each individual must decide what they can happily live with.
Yes I should not have used the word "perfect", it doesn't have the meaning I was getting at.

For instance, my exh and I *were* actually perfect for each other, even though our relationship itself was far from perfect! But by using the word perfect it causes the reader to make their own assessment of what perfect means. The reason I would use the word perfect for each other was due to our love for each other (which was actually perfect) and the fact that our failings in the relationship were actually exactly what we each needed in order to do some personal growth. So we are divorced, yet we were still in fact perfect for each other. But obviously the word is too restrictive to be used in general.

Looking back at @Lila's OP, she actually used the term "odds are low of finding happiness again".

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post #137 of 141 (permalink) Old 11-14-2019, 06:14 PM Thread Starter
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Gosh, reading this thread makes me think that there really is something wrong with me. Everybody seems to have met or know people who have met someone except me.
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post #138 of 141 (permalink) Old 11-14-2019, 06:51 PM
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Re: Statistically low odds

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Gosh, reading this thread makes me think that there really is something wrong with me. Everybody seems to have met or know people who have met someone except me.
Ugh Lila, nooooooo!!! There is NOT something wrong with you!!!

You have high standards you are not willing to budge on and you should NOT budge on them!!!

But having high standards will mean you have a smaller pool of candidates.

Look - I can get a date, easy. But I can't snap my fingers and create a match for myself. Because, like you, I have high standards or in my case people might actually just call me picky and fussy and unrealistic.

But I would still rather be alone, even forever!, rather than lower my standards or settle in any way. I want to feel strong attraction and ultimate admiration and fondness for someone. If I lowered my standards, that person would be cheated out of having someone better than me who might love them the way they are. No one wants to be settled for.

You will find a match, Lila. It just takes time. In fact I have far more optimism that you will actually find a match than that I will! You are a way better type of woman than I am, you have so much more to offer, so much less baggage, and you are far healthier than me (physically but probably mentally, too!). My bets are on you finding your new great partner within the next 6 months.

And also I'm going to be a little bummed when you do find him because I know your new man is not going to let you come to Portland and hang out with me.
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post #139 of 141 (permalink) Old 11-14-2019, 07:02 PM
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Re: Statistically low odds

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Gosh, reading this thread makes me think that there really is something wrong with me. Everybody seems to have met or know people who have met someone except me.
I really believe that it is true you have to first get comfortable living alone. Not being alone, but having your own place and space. I didn't date until a year post divorce, and even then it was awkward. I'm now 3 yrs out and much more comfortable in general. I am also much better at screening potential matches. But also much better at attracting good matches.

The women I have dated and the acquaintances I talk to all say that it is not easy to find a match. I think a lot of people settle, which means many of the couples you see may not really be as in love as you imagine.

If you stop trying hard to find a new romance but focus on just being you then you will be pretty happy. Build your life into what you want, and you will find plenty of people you enjoy spending time with. You'll be content in your own place, and you'll do the things you get satisfaction out of. The worst case is you are basically happy and content but don't have a romantic partner, and that isn't too bad of an outcome. But happy people tend to attract others, so this is also a recipe to find a good match. Sort of like putting on your own oxygen mask before helping others, you need to rebuild your own life/identity before you can build a good partnership.
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post #140 of 141 (permalink) Old 11-20-2019, 10:40 AM
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Originally Posted by Lila View Post
Gosh, reading this thread makes me think that there really is something wrong with me. Everybody seems to have met or know people who have met someone except me.
Well.....there's me too!

I am 59 and have been divorced for eleven years after a twenty year marriage. I never thought I would remain single but here I am.

I think becoming involved in a relationship later in life is very different than when young. When young much of a relationship is based on faith, as you get older you have a persons history to look back at. A 25 year old with a shaky work history? No big deal, still finding their way. No money saved? Still young, no big whoop. Parties a bit too much? They'll grow out of it. But those same traits for a fifty year old? Huge red flags that show the type of person they are and in all likelyhood will remain.

Maybe I'm cynical but I no longer trust things will simply work out, I need to see historical proof that the way you lead your life will easily mesh with mine. I like my life and am probably a bit obsessive at protecting it, that philosophy makes me reluctant when it comes to another long term relationship.

Last edited by Cooper; 11-20-2019 at 03:10 PM.
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post #141 of 141 (permalink) Old 11-22-2019, 04:49 AM
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Re: Statistically low odds

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Originally Posted by Lila View Post
Gosh, reading this thread makes me think that there really is something wrong with me. Everybody seems to have met or know people who have met someone except me.
One of my high school friends was married for about 5 years in his mid 20s and has been more or less single ever since (we're in our early 40s). I've been separated since last September and the thought of approaching a woman still gives me the same feeling you get when you haven't studied for a test. You're not alone. It isn't necessarily a fun club but you aren't alone in it.
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