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post #91 of 141 (permalink) Old 11-13-2019, 12:27 PM
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Re: Statistically low odds

Thor - "Lost Soul after 13 years".

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post #92 of 141 (permalink) Old 11-13-2019, 12:29 PM
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Re: Statistically low odds

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Optimism and pessimism are merely tools your mind uses.



Pessimism protects the ego from harm.



Optimism protects your ability to move forward in spite of the probability of failure.



Both only function to distract from reason unless you use them purposefully as the tools they are.
Let me kindly point you towards my second post with that theme...



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post #93 of 141 (permalink) Old 11-13-2019, 12:32 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Statistically low odds

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My point is to be extremely clear with yourself.

It sets an intentionality.

It allows you to recognize it fully when you see it.

It also allows you to build a plan to adjust the odds in your favour.
How does that even work?
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post #94 of 141 (permalink) Old 11-13-2019, 12:36 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Statistically low odds

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I know many very happy people in either 2nd marriages or ltrs who are past the age of having children in the home.
Would you say you know more happy people in 2nd + marriages or long term relationships, or unpartnered people past child rearing ages?
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post #95 of 141 (permalink) Old 11-13-2019, 12:44 PM
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Re: Statistically low odds

I find this thread very interesting, but like @Marduk and @Emerging Buddhist, I think the biggest portion of this is not numbers and statistics but rather knowing yourself.

After my divorce from exH, I took 4 1/2 years off to get over the divorce and get my head on straight. I learned how to distinguish abusive from assertive, how to maintain my own self-worth, and how to identify a healthy relationship. I also learned about myself and what IS and IS NOT a good fit for me. I learned my Myers-Briggs personality type. I learned my love languages. I went to support groups (after marriage and surviving an abusive partner). I journaled A LOT!!

With Dear Hubby, I knew that I needed a man of peace and calm. I knew I was an INFP and needed someone near enough to that personality that relating wouldn't be a constant struggle. I knew I tended to like red-heads. I knew I loved children and the lovely chaos they bring into a household. I knew I was spiritual and tended toward Christianity, but I wasn't close-minded to other paths. I knew I needed someone at least as intelligent as I am...and if he was more intelligent that was more of an attraction. I knew I loved the person in their mind and heart, and then I grew to love their exterior...and that gender didn't matter. I knew I wanted someone with values and morals which were similar to mine. I knew I wanted someone who was a geek. I knew I wanted a guy who was into something but not so into it that they'd ignore me. I knew I liked various kinds of coffee (I'm a coffee snob), reading, writing, hiking, dog shows, playing in the snow, movies, and science fiction. This is a LOT to know!!

When I knew all that...I began trying to date. My OLD attempts just did not work, because I am not a "meat market" kind of person. It's not how I operate! So I did things I always wanted to do, and met folks who enjoyed the same things I did. That method worked a lot better for me, because even if we didn't click romantically, I met some amazing people.

Having met and married Dear Hubby, I clearly still had a lot to learn, and due to his grace and loyalty, I did learn what commitment truly means, and what transparent honestly looks like in a relationship, and what long-term love is like (it's an action ... not a feeling). I learned that True Love is real and that you very literally can love someone more every day. So from Dear Hubby, I grew even more in my understanding of what I want and do not want, what I would prefer and not prefer.

When Dear Hubby died, I sincerely thought he had ruined me for all other men. After all, it's not like lightening strikes twice. Furthermore, we had the blessing of the kind of love most people hope for and never find. So I was ready, willing, and able to have been grateful for the time I had with him. The end. But then I met Beloved Hubby.

I knew of him from here on TAM. I knew he was one of the good ones, a decent person, but beyond that I didn't think of him at all. But once we started to talk just a little, I recognized him. My soul recognized his soul. I knew very quickly knew that he was a person of interest, and he checked all the must-haves and didn't have one of the can't-haves. Then over time I learned more about him and got to know him even better, he had most of my prefer-to-haves and didn't have my prefer-not-to-haves. The one and only thing that is a little different about EB than my previous relationships is that he's only 5'8" tall (my others were very big, barrel-chested, mountain man types), and what I've found by being open to that difference is that we fit together SOOOOOOO much better, it's humorous! I now think maybe I should have liked the broad-shouldered smaller guys all along! [NOTE TO SELF: I myself am only 4'10" and built strongly--I don't blow over in the wind.]

In conclusion, I think that finding another love has so much more to do with YOU than it does with "them." I knew my own self and knew what would compliment me. I knew I would be 100% happy all by myself. I knew I had the ability to love, and love well. I enjoying loving and sharing life, but that is all stuff about myself that I developed and worked at: how to be vulnerably honest, how to respectfully disagree, how to catch my own anger and stop before I am hurtful, how to recognize rightful authority, how to serve in a relationship (not expect to be served), how understand differences are okay, how to control myself and not them... All these things are about ME being a kind, compassionate, loving person, not "them" being "the One" or "a perfect match." EB is not perfect nor am I, but we are growing and choosing to grow together.


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My definition of infidelity is not "How far can I go before I cross the line?" My definition of infidelity is "giving anything less than 100% of your affection, loyalty, and companionship to your spouse."
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Last edited by Affaircare; 11-13-2019 at 01:06 PM.
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post #96 of 141 (permalink) Old 11-13-2019, 12:44 PM
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Re: Statistically low odds

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How does that even work?
It's woo woo stuff. It works by energy and vibration.
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post #97 of 141 (permalink) Old 11-13-2019, 01:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Statistically low odds

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It's woo woo stuff. It works by energy and vibration.
Abraham Hicks, is that you?
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post #98 of 141 (permalink) Old 11-13-2019, 01:05 PM
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Re: Statistically low odds

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Would you say you know more happy people in 2nd + marriages or long term relationships, or unpartnered people past child rearing ages?
Hmm, I'm thinking about that.

I do know a lot of happy people who don't have kids in the house anymore, either single or in some kind of ltr (married or not). To some extent I think it depends on the person's interests and goals, but generally I think after a certain number of years (3-5?) those who remain single are less happy. Having a long term partner seems to bring more happiness. Some are quite content being unattached but I don't think they have as much joy in their lives in general.

Those who stay single for a few years seem to be happier in the long run than those who remarry quickly. A quick 2nd marriage seems to be a poor idea in general though I certainly know some exceptions to that. Staying single for a few years seems to be helpful in finding oneself again. Staying single forever seems to bring loneliness.

Of course each individual is their own case, and I recognize that my slice of the planet is a bit more traditional in values than others.
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post #99 of 141 (permalink) Old 11-13-2019, 01:10 PM
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Re: Statistically low odds

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Abraham Hicks, is that you?
I've been an Abe student for decades.

Even went on one of the cruises!
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post #100 of 141 (permalink) Old 11-13-2019, 01:15 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
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Abraham Hicks, is that you?<a href="https://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/TAMarriage_2015/smilies/tango_face_wink.png" border="0" alt="" title="Wink" >:-)</a><a href="https://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/TAMarriage_2015/smilies/tango_face_smile.png" border="0" alt="" title="Smile" >:-)</a>
I've been an Abe student for decades. <a href="https://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/TAMarriage_2015/smilies/tango_face_grin.png" border="0" alt="" title="Big Grin" >:-)</a>

Even went on one of the cruises!
Oh wow! Did you get to ask a question?

I listen to her YouTube questions and answers on my way to work.

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post #101 of 141 (permalink) Old 11-13-2019, 01:19 PM
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Re: Statistically low odds

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Oh wow! Did you get to ask a question?

I listen to her YouTube questions and answers on my way to work.
Oh no.....I hid in the very back on a top deck so that there was no way I could get called on. Too introverted!!! I mean, there are over 1,000 people there all looking right at whoever is on stage PLUS they have a huge screen of your face while you are talking so everyone can see your face up close. Yikes! I was super impressed with those who were brave like that.

I have also attended her seminar in Portland where it is much less intimidating and we are all just in a hotel conference room...but I still hid in the back.

But the cruise was an absolute blast, I had so much fun mixing it up with all the other students all over the boat, in the bars, restaurants, by the pools, hot tubs, on deck...there were so many of them and they were all so fun.
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post #102 of 141 (permalink) Old 11-13-2019, 01:27 PM
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Re: Statistically low odds

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Hmm, I'm thinking about that.

I do know a lot of happy people who don't have kids in the house anymore, either single or in some kind of ltr (married or not). To some extent I think it depends on the person's interests and goals, but generally I think after a certain number of years (3-5?) those who remain single are less happy. Having a long term partner seems to bring more happiness. Some are quite content being unattached but I don't think they have as much joy in their lives in general.

Those who stay single for a few years seem to be happier in the long run than those who remarry quickly. A quick 2nd marriage seems to be a poor idea in general though I certainly know some exceptions to that. Staying single for a few years seems to be helpful in finding oneself again. Staying single forever seems to bring loneliness.

Of course each individual is their own case, and I recognize that my slice of the planet is a bit more traditional in values than others.
Really who are you, or anyone else, to judge how other people feel just because they are single/unattached? Being on your own does NOT equate to either loneliness or an absence of joy! Sometimes having someone else in your life is just a giant pain in the ass!

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #103 of 141 (permalink) Old 11-13-2019, 01:27 PM Thread Starter
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Quote:
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Oh wow! Did you get to ask a question?

I listen to her YouTube questions and answers on my way to work.
Oh no.....I hid in the very back on a top deck so that there was no way I could get called on. Too introverted!!! I mean, there are over 1,000 people there all looking right at whoever is on stage PLUS they have a huge screen of your face while you are talking so everyone can see your face up close. Yikes! I was super impressed with those who were brave like that.

I have also attended her seminar in Portland where it is much less intimidating and we are all just in a hotel conference room...but I still hid in the back. <a href="https://talkaboutmarriage.com/images/TAMarriage_2015/smilies/tango_face_angel.png" border="0" alt="" title="Angel" >:-)</a>

But the cruise was an absolute blast, I had so much fun mixing it up with all the other students all over the boat, in the bars, restaurants, by the pools, hot tubs, on deck...there were so many of them and they were all so fun.
Yeah I don't think I'd ask a question either. She's very intimidating. She does have great humor.
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post #104 of 141 (permalink) Old 11-13-2019, 01:31 PM Thread Starter
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Really who are you, or anyone else, to judge how other people feel just because they are single/unattached? Being on your own does NOT equate to either loneliness or no joy! Sometimes having someone else in your life is just a giant pain in the ass!
Whoa @3Xnocharm. I think you might have misinterpreted @Thor. He's just relaying his perceptions based on what he knows about the people in his social circle. It's the same as people saying "I know lots of single/unattached people and they seem to be happier than the attached ones". The key word is "seem". It's perspective. No one can really know what's going on in anyone else's head.
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post #105 of 141 (permalink) Old 11-13-2019, 01:32 PM
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Re: Statistically low odds

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I'm pretty clear on all of it, the pros and cons. Listing them here probably won't help anyone else, though of course we are all curious about each other. I've always been pretty accurate when I meet someone if they fit into my list or not. Sometimes I'll go forward anyway because it doesn't matter if it lasts or not. Other times I will not proceed because I'm looking for something closer to my list.

This week I decided to take a break from dating, closed down all my apps, and am just focused on myself and my family. Dating takes a lot of work and I'm just kind of tired right now, have a lot of other things going on.

However, if "he" walked into my office one day or I saw him checking me out at the grocery store, I would still recognize him.

And in the meantime, my ex and I do hang out a lot, which is kind of like dating without sex.
Cool, I'll leave it at that... with a gentle suggestion that when I've continued to hang out with my ex's... or have had friends do the same... they rarely seem to be able to find a new relationship.
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