The NEW Singles of TAM, 2020 Edition - Talk About Marriage
Life After Divorce Divorce is complicated, and change is never easy to cope with. Use this section for help and advice on living life after a divorce.

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post #1 of 162 (permalink) Old 01-07-2020, 04:42 PM Thread Starter
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The NEW Singles of TAM, 2020 Edition

Hey kids, it's a new year and a new decade, so let's get a new thread started! Please continue all discussions from the old thread (https://talkaboutmarriage.com/life-a...am-2019-a.html) here in the new thread. Feel free to tag anyone that I have missed.

For anyone new to this thread, this is where the post-divorce Singles of TAM mingle and talk about our adventures as singles (after once being coupled), everything from small, every day stuff to adventures in dating! We share our triumphs, our challenges, and we laugh along the way, too. We are joined but some tried and true non-Single TAMers who know this is where the fun is, and they sometimes offer advice, too

@Lila @Cynthia @3Xnocharm @Elizabeth001 @Faithful Wife @Emerging Buddhist @ConanHub @Andy1001 @Blondilocks @Hopeful Cynic @farsidejunky @lifeistooshort @AVR1962 @jorgegene @sunsetmist @TBT @Not @2&out @RebuildingMe @SunCMars @In Absentia @notmyjamie @RandomDude @Affaircare @Robbie1234 @wilson @heartsbeating @As'laDain @Livvie @ReformedHubby

As I'm typing this list, I'm beginning to think we have more non-singles than Singles on this thread, now! Where all my Singles at?


~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~

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post #2 of 162 (permalink) Old 01-07-2020, 05:00 PM
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Re: The NEW Singles of TAM, 2020 Edition

Cool! You started a new one. I found this thread to be supportive at times, therapeutic at times, and...dramatic at times. But I do think those of us that have become single again and started dating again do have quite a bit of insight to offer those that find themselves single again after marriage. I myself am still in a relationship, and its still going strong even though I got her a Peleton for Christmas LoL. I had zero idea there was such a huge controversy over giving that as a gift. Whoops. She loves it though, posted it on her fb page and all her friends are poking fun and calling me abusive. For those that don't know apparently the Peleton commercial caused a huge controversy and went viral because it was seen as an offensive gift for your girlfriend or wife. I had zero idea about this when I ordered the damn thing. Luckily I didn't get dumped going into the new year!
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post #3 of 162 (permalink) Old 01-07-2020, 05:01 PM
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Re: The NEW Singles of TAM, 2020 Edition

I try not to get too involved in the singles thread, but sometimes I see something that makes my heart go plunk and I have to respond. An example is Lila making a comment that sounds like she thinks the reason the man she was talking about isn't interested in her is that she isn't beautiful enough. I found that to be disturbing.

Lila, we have all seen your gorgeous eyes, so you saying you aren't beautiful didn't sit well with me. I figured he didn't say that to you, but had to check to make sure. From reading your posts lately, you seem to be feeling insecure. Whether or not he's attracted to you physically, it is likely not the reason why he isn't interested in taking the relationship further.


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post #4 of 162 (permalink) Old 01-07-2020, 05:05 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The NEW Singles of TAM, 2020 Edition

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@bkyln309 @hope4family @BigToe @john117 @honcho @Ynot @Openminded @fto0293

(Yes, I'm aware Ynot is banned, but if he is ever un-banned, I'm leaving breadcrumbs so he can find his way home.)

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~

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post #5 of 162 (permalink) Old 01-07-2020, 05:06 PM
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Re: The NEW Singles of TAM, 2020 Edition

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Originally Posted by ReformedHubby View Post
Cool! You started a new one. I found this thread to be supportive at times, therapeutic at times, and...dramatic at times. But I do think those of us that have become single again and started dating again do have quite a bit of insight to offer those that find themselves single again after marriage. I myself am still in a relationship, and its still going strong even though I got her a Peleton for Christmas LoL. I had zero idea there was such a huge controversy over giving that as a gift. Whoops. She loves it though, posted it on her fb page and all her friends are poking fun and calling me abusive. For those that don't know apparently the Peleton commercial caused a huge controversy and went viral because it was seen as an offensive gift for your girlfriend or wife. I had zero idea about this when I ordered the damn thing. Luckily I didn't get dumped going into the new year!
I own a gym and during December over a hundred women had gym membership for their husband/boyfriend as a Christmas gift.
The amount of men who bought it for the woman in their lives?
Zero.

When someone says itís not the money itís the principle,itís always the money.

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post #6 of 162 (permalink) Old 01-07-2020, 05:09 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The NEW Singles of TAM, 2020 Edition

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Cool! You started a new one. I found this thread to be supportive at times, therapeutic at times, and...dramatic at times. But I do think those of us that have become single again and started dating again do have quite a bit of insight to offer those that find themselves single again after marriage. I myself am still in a relationship, and its still going strong even though I got her a Peleton for Christmas LoL. I had zero idea there was such a huge controversy over giving that as a gift. Whoops. She loves it though, posted it on her fb page and all her friends are poking fun and calling me abusive. For those that don't know apparently the Peleton commercial caused a huge controversy and went viral because it was seen as an offensive gift for your girlfriend or wife. I had zero idea about this when I ordered the damn thing. Luckily I didn't get dumped going into the new year!
Wow, that is a VERY expensive gift. Glad she liked it--nicely done. If it's something she wants, asks for, hints at, then I think it's fine. When she DOESN'T want it is when the waters get murky...

The drama on the thread keeps it interesting, LOL

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #7 of 162 (permalink) Old 01-07-2020, 05:14 PM
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Thanks for thinking of me FP! I expect to transition to this thread throughout 2020 as my D unfolds. No dating yet, but no rush either.

I wanted to also comment on Lila and the insecurity issue. I think exiting a relationship or not being able to find one creates a lack of self confidence. I feel it in myself, despite not being able to “test” it yet in the real world. I follow her story and I hope she’ll meet someone and that will immediately boost her confidence.
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post #8 of 162 (permalink) Old 01-07-2020, 05:16 PM
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Re: The NEW Singles of TAM, 2020 Edition

Okay I don't get that. I mean--yes, it's possibly not wise to even imply that your GF/SO/wife may need to exercise more or lose weight. I'm sure that's what the snowflakes "took offence" to.

BUT as an example, @Emerging Buddhist and I exercise together and we're both into it. We enjoy walking (briskly) as our exercise, and yet during the cold winter months, we get to the end of a day, it's cold and dark, and we struggle with "How do we get the HR up without getting out?" So if I asked for a Peleton, or we were discussing indoor exercise equipment and he just surprised me with one, why would that NOT be a FANTASTIC gift? I mean...those babies are cool tech and they are not inexpensive!! That seems pretty thoughtful to me.

Then again, I think I'm "different"


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post #9 of 162 (permalink) Old 01-07-2020, 05:22 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The NEW Singles of TAM, 2020 Edition

*quoting from the 2019 thread*

Quote:
Originally Posted by Lila
Oh no, no, no. Let me clear the confusion up. He never said anything like that. He's a VERY kind and polite person. I do think he's somewhat of a player and he's dating around (perfectly acceptable). I know someone who's known him for years. He told me about the beautiful exes.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lila
Yes to the bolded. I'm sure I don't fit his standard type physically based on what I know about him. But he does seem to enjoy my company. That's why I said we are staying friends.
OK, so I can see where you would gather that conclusion. Is it possible that his XW and XG just happened to be very beautiful, but he was with them because of their personality? You never know... and you are beautiful on your own; your beauty is not dependent on others, or invalidated by someone else's beauty. He may think you are more beautiful, or you may actually be more his type.

And besides, it's the friend who is categorizing the exes as so beautiful.

Regardless, based on what you've said previously, I don't think this is the guy for you anyway, so I'm not trying to push you into his arms. and if you get along, friendship is fine... and who knows, he might introduce you to the man of your dreams.

~Happily un-married since December 9, 2013~
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post #10 of 162 (permalink) Old 01-07-2020, 05:27 PM Thread Starter
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Re: The NEW Singles of TAM, 2020 Edition

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Thanks for thinking of me FP! I expect to transition to this thread throughout 2020 as my D unfolds. No dating yet, but no rush either.

I wanted to also comment on Lila and the insecurity issue. I think exiting a relationship or not being able to find one creates a lack of self confidence. I feel it in myself, despite not being able to ďtestĒ it yet in the real world. I follow her story and I hope sheíll meet someone and that will immediately boost her confidence.
This thread isn't just about dating. It's also about adjusting to single life after being married, and for some of us, it's about our experiences intentionally staying single and NOT dating. I'm not dating right now, and I'm kind of happy about that.

So feel free to post here about ANYTHING you need feedback on, as long as it relates to being single. (Issues regarding the divorce itself, custody, etc, are best kept to that forum.) But are you excited about your new place and want to talk about it? This is the place for that! Are you learning how to cook for yourself, because your spouse did all the cooking, and need encouragement? Ask us! Trying to figure out how to build a social life as a single? We are here for you.


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post #11 of 162 (permalink) Old 01-07-2020, 05:55 PM
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Re: The NEW Singles of TAM, 2020 Edition

I didnít get a beacon but I always read the singles thread and contribute occasionally and, Iím single . I find it helpful to read about the dating experiences of others here. Thank you all for being willing to share.

I am not currently dating and, have not been for about a year. Itís been a rough year socially; I have acquired a (dangerous) stalker and have had several dodgy encounters with strangers on the street (I walk everywhere and live in an urban area). Anyhow, it has caused me to walk around with my ďhead on a swivelĒ and a Taser. Iím in a sort of ďstranger dangerĒ mode. Which is not like me at all as I am usually the type that smiles at strangers, will talk to anyone and knows all the ďlocalsĒ.

I know Iíll snap out of it eventually but it has just temporarily tweaked my normal confidence; itís just a weird mindset for me.
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post #12 of 162 (permalink) Old 01-07-2020, 05:59 PM
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Re: The NEW Singles of TAM, 2020 Edition

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I own a gym and during December over a hundred women had gym membership for their husband/boyfriend as a Christmas gift.
The amount of men who bought it for the woman in their lives?
Zero.
Ha,ha....yeah. I can totally see how certain gifts can be offensive. I only saw my mom and dad argue once on Christmas. He bought her a sewing machine based on a recommendation from her mother. One guy I used to work with found himself in hot water for buying his wife a floor cleaning machine. That was stupid...and offensive!!! I think it depends on the person. I know her pretty well at this point. She recently got her personal trainer's license and she is a fitness addict. If its something she wasn't into I certainly would have selected something different.
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post #13 of 162 (permalink) Old 01-07-2020, 06:08 PM
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Re: The NEW Singles of TAM, 2020 Edition

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I didnít get a beacon but I always read the singles thread and contribute occasionally and, Iím single . I find it helpful to read about the dating experiences of others here. Thank you all for being willing to share.

I am not currently dating and, have not been for about a year. Itís been a rough year socially; I have acquired a (dangerous) stalker and have had several dodgy encounters with strangers on the street (I walk everywhere and live in an urban area). Anyhow, it has caused me to walk around with my ďhead on a swivelĒ and a Taser. Iím in a sort of ďstranger dangerĒ mode. Which is not like me at all as I am usually the type that smiles at strangers, will talk to anyone and knows all the ďlocalsĒ.

I know Iíll snap out of it eventually but it has just temporarily tweaked my normal confidence; itís just a weird mindset for me.
Are you still studying aikido?

When someone says itís not the money itís the principle,itís always the money.
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post #14 of 162 (permalink) Old 01-07-2020, 06:10 PM
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Quote:
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Thanks for thinking of me FP! I expect to transition to this thread throughout 2020 as my D unfolds. No dating yet, but no rush either.

I wanted to also comment on Lila and the insecurity issue. I think exiting a relationship or not being able to find one creates a lack of self confidence. I feel it in myself, despite not being able to “test” it yet in the real world. I follow her story and I hope she’ll meet someone and that will immediately boost her confidence.
This thread isn't just about dating. It's also about adjusting to single life after being married, and for some of us, it's about our experiences intentionally staying single and NOT dating. I'm not dating right now, and I'm kind of happy about that.

So feel free to post here about ANYTHING you need feedback on, as long as it relates to being single. (Issues regarding the divorce itself, custody, etc, are best kept to that forum.) But are you excited about your new place and want to talk about it? This is the place for that! Are you learning how to cook for yourself, because your spouse did all the cooking, and need encouragement? Ask us! Trying to figure out how to build a social life as a single? We are here for you.
Well, I like how you tagged people. I haven’t been here long enough to know who’s single and who’s married. Geez, I can’t even figure out who’s male and who’s female half the time!
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post #15 of 162 (permalink) Old 01-07-2020, 06:16 PM
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I try not to get too involved in the singles thread, but sometimes I see something that makes my heart go plunk and I have to respond. An example is Lila making a comment that sounds like she thinks the reason the man she was talking about isn't interested in her is that she isn't beautiful enough. I found that to be disturbing.

Lila, we have all seen your gorgeous eyes, so you saying you aren't beautiful didn't sit well with me. I figured he didn't say that to you, but had to check to make sure. From reading your posts lately, you seem to be feeling insecure. Whether or not he's attracted to you physically, it is likely not the reason why he isn't interested in taking the relationship further.
I do feel insecure but and am trying to work through that with a therapist. But even my therapist agrees that modern dating is brutal. She's 72 and been practicing for over 40 years. She sees more people suffering from insecurity now than ever before.

It's very possible he's not into me physically (his previous gfs and wife were slim, I'm a size 12 on a good day). I don't begrudge him his preferences.


Quote:
Originally Posted by RebuildingMe View Post
Thanks for thinking of me FP! I expect to transition to this thread throughout 2020 as my D unfolds. No dating yet, but no rush either.

I wanted to also comment on Lila and the insecurity issue. I think exiting a relationship or not being able to find one creates a lack of self confidence. I feel it in myself, despite not being able to “test” it yet in the real world. I follow her story and I hope she’ll meet someone and that will immediately boost her confidence.
Thanks for the good wishes.

I wish I could say that it's easier for men to date but I don't think so. You'll have to post updates when you dive in. I'd be curious to hear what it's like for you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by FeministInPink View Post

OK, so I can see where you would gather that conclusion. Is it possible that his XW and XG just happened to be very beautiful, but he was with them because of their personality? You never know... and you are beautiful on your own; your beauty is not dependent on others, or invalidated by someone else's beauty. He may think you are more beautiful, or you may actually be more his type.

And besides, it's the friend who is categorizing the exes as so beautiful.

Regardless, based on what you've said previously, I don't think this is the guy for you anyway, so I'm not trying to push you into his arms. and if you get along, friendship is fine... and who knows, he might introduce you to the man of your dreams.
That is true. His exes may have been beautiful women with fantastic personalities. One does not invalidate the other. I know many women who fit the bill, and let's include successful to round out the trifecta.

In the words of my bestie, in a city where there are approximately 1.5 million single men, you'd think it would like shooting fish in a barrel. We laughed hard. C'est la vie.
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