@notmyjamie Apologies if I get anything wrong here, since I don't have your full backstory. (Lots of threads, I read a few posts, but not all.) So, you and your STBX are staying in the same house, with you living in the in-law suite, and he the rest of the house? What is this contract that is preventing the suite from being rented out, and you living somewhere else? And what is preventing you both from selling the house? Because this arrangement is really unhealthy for you, and it's also preventing him from moving on.
Our town bylaws state that only very close family members can live in the inlaw apartment, a parent, child, sibling, etc. So 16 years ago when we applied for the permit to have it built, we entered into a contract to uphold that provision. We have to prove who lives there yearly.
What's preventing me from selling the house is that as part of our divorce settlement I agreed not to sell the house for another 3 years. He had wanted 10 years, I got it down to three.
If I had all of this to do over again, I would have him move out back when I asked for the divorce. I was doing it this way for my kids. Ironically, 2 of the 3 have said they'd prefer a more traditional divorce situation. Too late now, I'm trapped. I have told my STBXH of their preference and had them talk to him but he is still too afraid to sell the house at this point I think. I think he is afraid the kids will come with me. I can afford a larger house than he will be able to afford. I would never, ever keep them from him but he is the same guy who had a total breakdown when our oldest left for college.
If you can't sell the house, is there a possibility that the two of you can rent out the entire house (rather than just the suite), and you BOTH move out and get your own places?
Again, my STBXH is the one who is blocking this. I could rearrange some stuff financially and rent out my own place but I'm not sure I could get one big enough for my kids to live with me so I'm not wanting to go that route.
My heart breaks for your STBXH, because he really has no idea of how to move forward. But he's also rejecting all the the opportunities presented to him that would help him to love and accept himself. I think he is really scared.
He is quite terrified. It was so awful to see, really, really awful.
That doesn't excuse anything, of course. He needs to understand why you can't be married to him anymore, and how unfair it is of him to expect you to continue to be his beard, which would mean denying you the relationship you want and deserve. But he's also denying himself the same thing. That's really sad.
He knows on some level why I need to leave him and live my own life. He told me he wants me to be happy. He's too afraid to even think about trying to meet someone for himself. If he would do that, I think he'd let go of holding onto me and the house so that he could move on too.
If you guys can get the distance that you need from one another, so that you can heal and grow into your new, post-divorce selves, I think you might have a chance at being friends and having a positive relationship in the future, in which you could support and love one another in a platonic way that. And I wonder if that isn't what he fears more--losing your friendship? You've been the most important person in his life for a really long time, and the idea of a future without you must be terrifying for him. Because he's not just going to be single... he's going to be single, and trying to figure out in mid-life how to live as a gay man. Without the support of his best friend. And being gay has cost him everything. So coming to this realization, and being out to you, is not a positive thing for him.
All of this is true. He told me recently, before his breakdown at Christmas that it's been very difficult for him lately, he's "going through a lot" and it's all that much harder trying to do it without me "the one who always knew how to make everything right again." I would like to envision a future where we could be friends and co parent as friends. I know that's what my kids want and I think I could get there for sure. I know this is not something he did to me on purpose. In the middle of his breakdown he said "I loved you so much I thought that would be enough." That makes it easier to forgive him. I guess I'd love to find a way to support him now without giving him any false hopes about our future. Our future is set and we will not ever be a couple again.
Sorry to go off on that whole tangent, because we were talking about you. It's awesome that your boyfriend is so understanding of the situation. And re: your kids complaining that you're not around so much, even though they're not around as much either, because they're teenagers? Maybe you just need to make some extra effort to put in some quality one-on-one time with each of them. So they know that you're not forgetting about them through all of this, and that they are still a priority for you. And that they are a higher priority than the boyfriend. I have a feeling that's what their comments are implying, that they think the boyfriend is taking priority over them.
Funny you should say that. I have talked with them and said the same thing, maybe we need to schedule times together to do stuff and spend time together. They loved the idea...and every time I try to schedule something, they are too busy. Teens are hard...I'll keep at it. I have told them over and over that I am one phone call away and I will always come back if they need me for something. I think they just miss those organic moments with me...coming downstairs for a drink and having a quick talk before they go back upstairs, etc. I miss those times too to be honest. I do have dinner with them a few nights a week so we do have that time.