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The NEW Singles of TAM, 2020 Edition

139K views 2K replies 69 participants last post by  MattMatt 
#1 · (Edited)
Hey kids, it's a new year and a new decade, so let's get a new thread started! Please continue all discussions from the old thread (https://talkaboutmarriage.com/life-after-divorce/430863-singles-tam-2019-a.html) here in the new thread. Feel free to tag anyone that I have missed.

For anyone new to this thread, this is where the post-divorce Singles of TAM mingle and talk about our adventures as singles (after once being coupled), everything from small, every day stuff to adventures in dating! We share our triumphs, our challenges, and we laugh along the way, too. We are joined but some tried and true non-Single TAMers who know this is where the fun is, and they sometimes offer advice, too :)

@Lila @Cynthia @3Xnocharm @Elizabeth001 @Faithful Wife @Emerging Buddhist @ConanHub @Andy1001 @Blondilocks @Hopeful Cynic @farsidejunky @lifeistooshort @AVR1962 @jorgegene @sunsetmist @TBT @Not @2&out @RebuildingMe @SunCMars @In Absentia @notmyjamie @RandomDude @Affaircare @Robbie1234 @wilson @heartsbeating @As'laDain @Livvie @ReformedHubby

As I'm typing this list, I'm beginning to think we have more non-singles than Singles on this thread, now! Where all my Singles at?
 
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#2 ·
Cool! You started a new one. I found this thread to be supportive at times, therapeutic at times, and...dramatic at times. But I do think those of us that have become single again and started dating again do have quite a bit of insight to offer those that find themselves single again after marriage. I myself am still in a relationship, and its still going strong even though I got her a Peleton for Christmas LoL. I had zero idea there was such a huge controversy over giving that as a gift. Whoops. She loves it though, posted it on her fb page and all her friends are poking fun and calling me abusive. For those that don't know apparently the Peleton commercial caused a huge controversy and went viral because it was seen as an offensive gift for your girlfriend or wife. I had zero idea about this when I ordered the damn thing. Luckily I didn't get dumped going into the new year!
 
#3 ·
I try not to get too involved in the singles thread, but sometimes I see something that makes my heart go plunk and I have to respond. An example is Lila making a comment that sounds like she thinks the reason the man she was talking about isn't interested in her is that she isn't beautiful enough. I found that to be disturbing.

Lila, we have all seen your gorgeous eyes, so you saying you aren't beautiful didn't sit well with me. I figured he didn't say that to you, but had to check to make sure. From reading your posts lately, you seem to be feeling insecure. Whether or not he's attracted to you physically, it is likely not the reason why he isn't interested in taking the relationship further.
 
#15 ·
I do feel insecure but and am trying to work through that with a therapist. But even my therapist agrees that modern dating is brutal. She's 72 and been practicing for over 40 years. She sees more people suffering from insecurity now than ever before.

It's very possible he's not into me physically (his previous gfs and wife were slim, I'm a size 12 on a good day). I don't begrudge him his preferences.


Thanks for thinking of me FP! I expect to transition to this thread throughout 2020 as my D unfolds. No dating yet, but no rush either.

I wanted to also comment on Lila and the insecurity issue. I think exiting a relationship or not being able to find one creates a lack of self confidence. I feel it in myself, despite not being able to “test” it yet in the real world. I follow her story and I hope she’ll meet someone and that will immediately boost her confidence.
Thanks for the good wishes.

I wish I could say that it's easier for men to date but I don't think so. You'll have to post updates when you dive in. I'd be curious to hear what it's like for you.

OK, so I can see where you would gather that conclusion. Is it possible that his XW and XG just happened to be very beautiful, but he was with them because of their personality? You never know... and you are beautiful on your own; your beauty is not dependent on others, or invalidated by someone else's beauty. He may think you are more beautiful, or you may actually be more his type.

And besides, it's the friend who is categorizing the exes as so beautiful.

Regardless, based on what you've said previously, I don't think this is the guy for you anyway, so I'm not trying to push you into his arms. and if you get along, friendship is fine... and who knows, he might introduce you to the man of your dreams.
That is true. His exes may have been beautiful women with fantastic personalities. One does not invalidate the other. I know many women who fit the bill, and let's include successful to round out the trifecta.

In the words of my bestie, in a city where there are approximately 1.5 million single men, you'd think it would like shooting fish in a barrel. We laughed hard. C'est la vie.
 
#7 ·
Thanks for thinking of me FP! I expect to transition to this thread throughout 2020 as my D unfolds. No dating yet, but no rush either.

I wanted to also comment on Lila and the insecurity issue. I think exiting a relationship or not being able to find one creates a lack of self confidence. I feel it in myself, despite not being able to “test” it yet in the real world. I follow her story and I hope she’ll meet someone and that will immediately boost her confidence.
 
#10 ·
This thread isn't just about dating. It's also about adjusting to single life after being married, and for some of us, it's about our experiences intentionally staying single and NOT dating. I'm not dating right now, and I'm kind of happy about that.

So feel free to post here about ANYTHING you need feedback on, as long as it relates to being single. (Issues regarding the divorce itself, custody, etc, are best kept to that forum.) But are you excited about your new place and want to talk about it? This is the place for that! Are you learning how to cook for yourself, because your spouse did all the cooking, and need encouragement? Ask us! Trying to figure out how to build a social life as a single? We are here for you.
 
#8 ·
Okay I don't get that. I mean--yes, it's possibly not wise to even imply that your GF/SO/wife may need to exercise more or lose weight. I'm sure that's what the snowflakes "took offence" to.

BUT as an example, @Emerging Buddhist and I exercise together and we're both into it. We enjoy walking (briskly) as our exercise, and yet during the cold winter months, we get to the end of a day, it's cold and dark, and we struggle with "How do we get the HR up without getting out?" So if I asked for a Peleton, or we were discussing indoor exercise equipment and he just surprised me with one, why would that NOT be a FANTASTIC gift? I mean...those babies are cool tech and they are not inexpensive!! That seems pretty thoughtful to me.

Then again, I think I'm "different" :p
 
#9 ·
*quoting from the 2019 thread*

Lila said:
Oh no, no, no. Let me clear the confusion up. He never said anything like that. He's a VERY kind and polite person. I do think he's somewhat of a player and he's dating around (perfectly acceptable). I know someone who's known him for years. He told me about the beautiful exes.
Lila said:
Yes to the bolded. I'm sure I don't fit his standard type physically based on what I know about him. But he does seem to enjoy my company. That's why I said we are staying friends.
OK, so I can see where you would gather that conclusion. Is it possible that his XW and XG just happened to be very beautiful, but he was with them because of their personality? You never know... and you are beautiful on your own; your beauty is not dependent on others, or invalidated by someone else's beauty. He may think you are more beautiful, or you may actually be more his type.

And besides, it's the friend who is categorizing the exes as so beautiful.

Regardless, based on what you've said previously, I don't think this is the guy for you anyway, so I'm not trying to push you into his arms. and if you get along, friendship is fine... and who knows, he might introduce you to the man of your dreams.
 
#11 ·
I didn’t get a beacon but I always read the singles thread and contribute occasionally and, I’m single :grin2:. I find it helpful to read about the dating experiences of others here. Thank you all for being willing to share.

I am not currently dating and, have not been for about a year. It’s been a rough year socially; I have acquired a (dangerous) stalker and have had several dodgy encounters with strangers on the street (I walk everywhere and live in an urban area). Anyhow, it has caused me to walk around with my “head on a swivel” and a Taser. I’m in a sort of “stranger danger” mode. Which is not like me at all as I am usually the type that smiles at strangers, will talk to anyone and knows all the “locals”.

I know I’ll snap out of it eventually but it has just temporarily tweaked my normal confidence; it’s just a weird mindset for me.
 
#24 ·
I was baffled when I saw the notification of a mention. I didn't realize I got noticed around here!

I just hit ten years of single-dom, and haven't had any success in dating. I had to heal from a lot of ego-damage after my break-up and divorce, and was also too busy single parenting after my ex gave up almost all custody of our babies. It's quite surprising to me that a decade has gone by. At the start, I just optimistically assumed I'd have met and fallen in love with someone randomly by now, but it turns out it's hard to meet new people in middle age. All the activities and hobbies I get into with my limited spare time really don't attract eligible people for me. I dabbled in online dating, which is not oriented towards introverts like me, and got tired of sifting through mountains of crap-filled chaff. I suspect it was from not being willing to try a pay site, as I don't see much value to spending money when I have limited time to go on dates in the first place, and high standards to meet.

I enjoy living vicariously through all your adventures though!
 
#30 ·
I was baffled when I saw the notification of a mention. I didn't realize I got noticed around here!



I just hit ten years of single-dom, and haven't had any success in dating. I had to heal from a lot of ego-damage after my break-up and divorce, and was also too busy single parenting after my ex gave up almost all custody of our babies. It's quite surprising to me that a decade has gone by. At the start, I just optimistically assumed I'd have met and fallen in love with someone randomly by now, but it turns out it's hard to meet new people in middle age. All the activities and hobbies I get into with my limited spare time really don't attract eligible people for me. I dabbled in online dating, which is not oriented towards introverts like me, and got tired of sifting through mountains of crap-filled chaff. I suspect it was from not being willing to try a pay site, as I don't see much value to spending money when I have limited time to go on dates in the first place, and high standards to meet.



I enjoy living vicariously through all your adventures though!
If you occassionally post, I'll make sure to tag you when I start the 2021 Singles thread :)

Sent from my SM-G930T using Tapatalk
 
#35 · (Edited)
Thx for the mention ! I am 10 yrs "single" now from failure 2. Can't imagine ever officially marrying again and think extremely unlikely. My memories of being married are mostly bad and my experience being single is/are very good+.

I have never online dated so can not offer any help or advice. I have had a steady GF for a few years now. As the way life can be, I was done and not looking for anyone except for temporary *meetings* and the same one long term not preferred. But I met sparklebabe unexpectedly at a social gathering and with liquid courage said WTH and played the game thinking I would be shot down in flames at light speed. Shockingly to me still - she played along and reciprocated. I recently bought a bigger bed. I had/have an antique full sized bed special to me which was plenty for me but having a regular overnight guest it became apparent I needed a bigger one for us both to get good slumber. Guess I am accepting I have part time resident ;) My kids are out of the house now and I thought I was done ! LOL.

I'm very blessed and pretty damn happy with life and think 2020 is going to be a great year. Hope it is for everyone !
 
#36 ·
Cool! But as a longtime, chronic, post-divorce single, I've never even thought about posting here!

Guess now that I know what it's intended purpose is, I'll duly reconsider! Thanks!
 
#40 ·
Thanks for the shout out so I could find the new place. Like a few others here, I'm not technically single yet...my court date is at the end of this month, then 120 days out from that I'll have a new (old) name again!! I can't wait!!

I've been dating someone for almost 8 months though. The hardest part for me is reconciling my old life with my new life. Due to my unique living situation I don't really feel comfortable having him at my place so if we're going to hang out, watch a movie, etc it has to be at his place. My kids have expressed that they wish I were around more...even though I never leave until after dinner and they don't come back over to my place at all once dinner is over. LOL Teenagers. Ugh.

My other problem is something I know everyone will say is not my problem but me, being me, means it is somewhat my problem. I've done a decent job of distancing myself emotionally from my STBXH but he has not done the same. It was definitely easier for me as once he finally admitted he was gay I was angry and that anger carried me forward. Well, that anger is gone now. On Christmas night, we all got together as we always did with my family. My brother decided it was time to confront my STBXH and told him he owed me an apology. They got into it and next thing I know, my STBXH is a complete mess. I got my apology but the expression be careful what you ask for comes to mind. It became very clear my ex is a very tortured man. It was absolutely devastating to witness him fall apart. He still loves me, still wants to be with me, hates himself for being gay, etc etc. He recently told my brother and sister in law that he was still hopeful that we'd get back together.

So what's my problem? Now, every time I get together with my new guy I feel guilty. Not that I'm doing something wrong because I know I'm not. Just guilty that it feels like kicking a man while he's down. I've always tried not to discuss my dating with the ex but he lives right here, he knows I go out a lot.

It's funny...when I joined this board some predicted that living so close to STBXH meant I'd never find a guy who would date me. That is not a problem at all. New guy is very secure and has no issue with it, thinks I'm a fabulous Mom for making the sacrifice. The problem is that it's making it harder for STBXH to separate himself emotionally from me which in turn is making it harder for me.

Anyone else go through something like this? I want to enjoy my new life but some days I just feel so badly about it all.
 
#41 ·
Thanks for the shout out so I could find the new place. Like a few others here, I'm not technically single yet...my court date is at the end of this month, then 120 days out from that I'll have a new (old) name again!! I can't wait!!



I've been dating someone for almost 8 months though. The hardest part for me is reconciling my old life with my new life. Due to my unique living situation I don't really feel comfortable having him at my place so if we're going to hang out, watch a movie, etc it has to be at his place. My kids have expressed that they wish I were around more...even though I never leave until after dinner and they don't come back over to my place at all once dinner is over. LOL Teenagers. Ugh.



My other problem is something I know everyone will say is not my problem but me, being me, means it is somewhat my problem. I've done a decent job of distancing myself emotionally from my STBXH but he has not done the same. It was definitely easier for me as once he finally admitted he was gay I was angry and that anger carried me forward. Well, that anger is gone now. On Christmas night, we all got together as we always did with my family. My brother decided it was time to confront my STBXH and told him he owed me an apology. They got into it and next thing I know, my STBXH is a complete mess. I got my apology but the expression be careful what you ask for comes to mind. It became very clear my ex is a very tortured man. It was absolutely devastating to witness him fall apart. He still loves me, still wants to be with me, hates himself for being gay, etc etc. He recently told my brother and sister in law that he was still hopeful that we'd get back together.



So what's my problem? Now, every time I get together with my new guy I feel guilty. Not that I'm doing something wrong because I know I'm not. Just guilty that it feels like kicking a man while he's down. I've always tried not to discuss my dating with the ex but he lives right here, he knows I go out a lot.



It's funny...when I joined this board some predicted that living so close to STBXH meant I'd never find a guy who would date me. That is not a problem at all. New guy is very secure and has no issue with it, thinks I'm a fabulous Mom for making the sacrifice. The problem is that it's making it harder for STBXH to separate himself emotionally from me which in turn is making it harder for me.



Anyone else go through something like this? I want to enjoy my new life but some days I just feel so badly about it all.


You need to move hon and distance yourself. Cut the ties and have much less contact. For all your sakes. Just my .02.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
#43 · (Edited)
As has been discussed before, even though your current arrangement is convenient, it offers STBX false hope. Do not let guilt replace your anger/pain. He is suffering the consequences of not being honest much, much earlier. He has hurt more people to a greater degree to be selfish. If he was not so selfish, he would sell now, not hold you hostage. Could y'all rent the mother-in-law suite? I know, I am not there and do not really understand. Sorry.

Of course, he has love for you, the mother of his children. In ways, you are an acceptable habit. But he does not want you as a beloved relationship partner--no one's fault, just is.

Do not let him continue to live rent-free in your head. I think you are truly blessed to have found someone else.
 
#44 ·
Unfortunately, renting out my apartment is not an option. It is an inlaw suite and as such town bylaws prohibit renting it out to anyone who is not a close family member. I have to prove that I am the one occupying it yearly to prove I am upholding the terms of the contract.

You are very correct, he is holding me hostage. I don't believe it's something he's doing with malice though...he just can't let go. He's terrified to be alone. That became clear during his breakdown Christmas night.

I do not allow all of this to affect my new life...I feel badly but I do still go and do the things I want to do. I just want to move on with my life and not have to worry about him. Maybe it's just unrealistic to think that a person can move on without ever having to think of the other person? I've done it when ending other relationships but this is different, he's the father of my children. Even if he didn't live one doorway away I'd still worry about how he is doing.

I did tell him that the love he feels for me may be love, but it's not true romantic love. At that point he started banging his hands against his head screaming "I don't want to be gay!!" over and over..."I just want to love you!!" It was horrifying to be honest and maybe I'm still just reeling from that.

Thanks for listening, it helps to get it out sometimes.
 
#45 ·
@notmyjamie,

Here's my thought: for years...decades even...he was part of your life and you cared for him. He was not who he represented himself to be, but nonetheless, you tended to him and were mindful of him and gave a personal interest. I suspect you may have even had moments of feeling some responsibility toward him, in the sense of doing your best to be a good wife.

That doesn't just "go away." In fact, living in close proximity like you do will probably prolong that feeling of caring, because even if you gradually do become 'just housemates' there will still be some attachment. If you were in no contact, you'd be able to move more quickly toward thinking of him like the mailman or auto mechanic (meaning civil but unattached).

Right now, you "care" that you are kicking the guy while he's down. Well...remind yourself of the truth of the situation. If he is down, it is of his own making. He still loves you...he still hopes you two can get back together...but he's also still gay. I'm not saying this to be mean toward him, but rather just to remind you of one thing: it's all still about HIM. Nowhere in those statements is there even a shred of recognition of what YOU may feel or want or need. I mean, I get it--he still thinks you are a good person, and you may think that of him. Guess what? Gay people can be great people! But if he TRULY cared ABOUT YOU, he would be cognizant that you are straight and would therefore have your needs met by another straight person. He is thinking of himself and that he doesn't want it to be so hard and he doesn't want it to be so messy or to lose so much.

So if he doesn't want to be down, all he has to do is stop being delusional and stop being in denial and be honest. With himself...with all the families...and with the world at large. He is a GAY MAN. He'd like to be a moral, decent gay man, and that's okay. He can do that by finding a nice, male partner who cares for him and meets his needs, and then living an honorable, kind and generous life. He has to stop deluding himself, and he'll stop "being down"...and you can't do that for him.

The VERY BEST THING you can do, for him and for you, is no contact--and barring that, as little contact as humanly possible. You need time, just like he does, to disentangle and detach. No more "family Christmas" get togethers. No more birthdays together. No more.
 
#46 ·
Right now, you "care" that you are kicking the guy while he's down. Well...remind yourself of the truth of the situation. If he is down, it is of his own making. He still loves you...he still hopes you two can get back together...but he's also still gay. I'm not saying this to be mean toward him, but rather just to remind you of one thing: it's all still about HIM. Nowhere in those statements is there even a shred of recognition of what YOU may feel or want or need. I mean, I get it--he still thinks you are a good person, and you may think that of him. Guess what? Gay people can be great people! But if he TRULY cared ABOUT YOU, he would be cognizant that you are straight and would therefore have your needs met by another straight person. He is thinking of himself and that he doesn't want it to be so hard and he doesn't want it to be so messy or to lose so much.
I had this same thought. IF he really loves you so much, he would want you to be happy. He cannot be a husband to you, and he is being massively selfish and unfair by purposely keeping you roped into that house. HOW is that love?? Its not... its self serving and childish. Can you work with your attorney to enter in some kind of legal request to terminate this agreement?
 
#48 ·
@notmyjamie Apologies if I get anything wrong here, since I don't have your full backstory. (Lots of threads, I read a few posts, but not all.) So, you and your STBX are staying in the same house, with you living in the in-law suite, and he the rest of the house? What is this contract that is preventing the suite from being rented out, and you living somewhere else? And what is preventing you both from selling the house? Because this arrangement is really unhealthy for you, and it's also preventing him from moving on.

If you can't sell the house, is there a possibility that the two of you can rent out the entire house (rather than just the suite), and you BOTH move out and get your own places?

My heart breaks for your STBXH, because he really has no idea of how to move forward. But he's also rejecting all the the opportunities presented to him that would help him to love and accept himself. I think he is really scared.

That doesn't excuse anything, of course. He needs to understand why you can't be married to him anymore, and how unfair it is of him to expect you to continue to be his beard, which would mean denying you the relationship you want and deserve. But he's also denying himself the same thing. That's really sad.

If you guys can get the distance that you need from one another, so that you can heal and grow into your new, post-divorce selves, I think you might have a chance at being friends and having a positive relationship in the future, in which you could support and love one another in a platonic way that. And I wonder if that isn't what he fears more--losing your friendship? You've been the most important person in his life for a really long time, and the idea of a future without you must be terrifying for him. Because he's not just going to be single... he's going to be single, and trying to figure out in mid-life how to live as a gay man. Without the support of his best friend. And being gay has cost him everything. So coming to this realization, and being out to you, is not a positive thing for him.

Sorry to go off on that whole tangent, because we were talking about you. It's awesome that your boyfriend is so understanding of the situation. And re: your kids complaining that you're not around so much, even though they're not around as much either, because they're teenagers? Maybe you just need to make some extra effort to put in some quality one-on-one time with each of them. So they know that you're not forgetting about them through all of this, and that they are still a priority for you. And that they are a higher priority than the boyfriend. I have a feeling that's what their comments are implying, that they think the boyfriend is taking priority over them.

I understand, yes, yes, that having a new person in your life doesn't diminish the love you feel for them, and you think that they're so busy going off and doing their own thing that is shouldn't matter what you choose to do when they aren't around. But they're in a pretty vulnerable stage of their lives right now, and there are a lot of hormones changing their brain chemistry, and their teenage brains may not have the capacity to understand nuance the way adults do, and they sometimes need to see things in starker terms, and they interpret things in starker terms.
 
#49 ·
@notmyjamie Apologies if I get anything wrong here, since I don't have your full backstory. (Lots of threads, I read a few posts, but not all.) So, you and your STBX are staying in the same house, with you living in the in-law suite, and he the rest of the house? What is this contract that is preventing the suite from being rented out, and you living somewhere else? And what is preventing you both from selling the house? Because this arrangement is really unhealthy for you, and it's also preventing him from moving on.


Our town bylaws state that only very close family members can live in the inlaw apartment, a parent, child, sibling, etc. So 16 years ago when we applied for the permit to have it built, we entered into a contract to uphold that provision. We have to prove who lives there yearly.

What's preventing me from selling the house is that as part of our divorce settlement I agreed not to sell the house for another 3 years. He had wanted 10 years, I got it down to three.

If I had all of this to do over again, I would have him move out back when I asked for the divorce. I was doing it this way for my kids. Ironically, 2 of the 3 have said they'd prefer a more traditional divorce situation. Too late now, I'm trapped. I have told my STBXH of their preference and had them talk to him but he is still too afraid to sell the house at this point I think. I think he is afraid the kids will come with me. I can afford a larger house than he will be able to afford. I would never, ever keep them from him but he is the same guy who had a total breakdown when our oldest left for college.


If you can't sell the house, is there a possibility that the two of you can rent out the entire house (rather than just the suite), and you BOTH move out and get your own places?

Again, my STBXH is the one who is blocking this. I could rearrange some stuff financially and rent out my own place but I'm not sure I could get one big enough for my kids to live with me so I'm not wanting to go that route.

My heart breaks for your STBXH, because he really has no idea of how to move forward. But he's also rejecting all the the opportunities presented to him that would help him to love and accept himself. I think he is really scared.

He is quite terrified. It was so awful to see, really, really awful.

That doesn't excuse anything, of course. He needs to understand why you can't be married to him anymore, and how unfair it is of him to expect you to continue to be his beard, which would mean denying you the relationship you want and deserve. But he's also denying himself the same thing. That's really sad.

He knows on some level why I need to leave him and live my own life. He told me he wants me to be happy. He's too afraid to even think about trying to meet someone for himself. If he would do that, I think he'd let go of holding onto me and the house so that he could move on too.

If you guys can get the distance that you need from one another, so that you can heal and grow into your new, post-divorce selves, I think you might have a chance at being friends and having a positive relationship in the future, in which you could support and love one another in a platonic way that. And I wonder if that isn't what he fears more--losing your friendship? You've been the most important person in his life for a really long time, and the idea of a future without you must be terrifying for him. Because he's not just going to be single... he's going to be single, and trying to figure out in mid-life how to live as a gay man. Without the support of his best friend. And being gay has cost him everything. So coming to this realization, and being out to you, is not a positive thing for him.

All of this is true. He told me recently, before his breakdown at Christmas that it's been very difficult for him lately, he's "going through a lot" and it's all that much harder trying to do it without me "the one who always knew how to make everything right again." I would like to envision a future where we could be friends and co parent as friends. I know that's what my kids want and I think I could get there for sure. I know this is not something he did to me on purpose. In the middle of his breakdown he said "I loved you so much I thought that would be enough." That makes it easier to forgive him. I guess I'd love to find a way to support him now without giving him any false hopes about our future. Our future is set and we will not ever be a couple again.


Sorry to go off on that whole tangent, because we were talking about you. It's awesome that your boyfriend is so understanding of the situation. And re: your kids complaining that you're not around so much, even though they're not around as much either, because they're teenagers? Maybe you just need to make some extra effort to put in some quality one-on-one time with each of them. So they know that you're not forgetting about them through all of this, and that they are still a priority for you. And that they are a higher priority than the boyfriend. I have a feeling that's what their comments are implying, that they think the boyfriend is taking priority over them.


Funny you should say that. I have talked with them and said the same thing, maybe we need to schedule times together to do stuff and spend time together. They loved the idea...and every time I try to schedule something, they are too busy. Teens are hard...I'll keep at it. I have told them over and over that I am one phone call away and I will always come back if they need me for something. I think they just miss those organic moments with me...coming downstairs for a drink and having a quick talk before they go back upstairs, etc. I miss those times too to be honest. I do have dinner with them a few nights a week so we do have that time.
 
#50 ·
I think what your husband really loved was the safety of being married to you. Being gay is apparently unsettling to him and he’s having trouble letting go of his security blanket (you). I doubt that he will be able to completely separate himself until the two of you are truly living in separate households. Until then, limiting contact helps.

My ex-husband wanted very much not to be divorced. He wanted me to just overlook those pesky little cheating issues — that he claimed meant nothing — so we could stay together. I was very much his security blanket and the one he could always depend on to make everything okay. He was convinced he loved me more than anything on earth and maybe he actually did. But it didn’t matter because that wasn’t how I wanted to spend the rest of my life.

Your husband may feel the same way.
 
#53 ·
From what I hear Jamie saying, he loves her deeply and relies on her as his closest friend, but he doesn't have romantic feelings for her. He doesn't know how he's going to go on without her in his life. It sounds heartbreaking. He really needs to be in therapy with someone who isn't going to push him into adopting a lifestyle that he doesn't want, but who will help him to integrate and form a life that works for him while not denying the truth of who he is.
 
#57 ·
I'm one of the Singles now but have met some new folks through online dating. Some good...some okay to forget. That's how it usually goes though. Looking forward to 2020 and what it may blow into my life :D
 
#59 ·
Yay! New thread lol!

My trip cross country was awesome. I drove from the Great Lakes area to southern Washington state by myself and absolutely loved it. I love to drive anyway. I had my caffeine, nicotine and my music and made it out there in two days. I spent the night in Cheyenne. From there D24 and I drove south to the Lake Tahoe area and spent Christmas with my family and relaxed for three days then got back home one week after I left. I love doing things like that but it did kick my butt lol! It took me a good week to recover catching up on all the sleep I didn’t get while I was gone.

The latest with me is Sky is no longer in the picture, just to much going on with his daughter. I’m really ok with that because I just couldn’t get into him like I did the first time I was seeing him. It wasn’t working for me.

Also, I’m pretty sure I have gallstones. I mentioned in the old thread I had something going on and it’s only getting worse. My doc has me doing an elimination diet but that hasn’t helped at all. It’s getting to the point where I’m having trouble coping with the pain and vomiting. Time to tell my doc this is NOT a food sensitivity, not when a sneeze or cough or a bumpy road can set off an attack. Sooo, I see surgery in my near future.

Life is good otherwise.

I’m back on plenty of fish and wondering why I bother lol! The sheer number of “oh hell no” and “you have got to be kidding” is as bad as ever. I’ve seen ONE guy who had me all excited but he lives a few hours away. It’s ironic how my desire to meet someone lessens more and more as I spend more time on that site. Kind of good therapy actually lol! It shows me how good my life is just the way it is.
 
#63 ·
Also, I’m pretty sure I have gallstones. I mentioned in the old thread I had something going on and it’s only getting worse. My doc has me doing an elimination diet but that hasn’t helped at all. It’s getting to the point where I’m having trouble coping with the pain and vomiting. Time to tell my doc this is NOT a food sensitivity, not when a sneeze or cough or a bumpy road can set off an attack. Sooo, I see surgery in my near future.
I had my gallbladder out last February. It was such an easy recovery. I had been having attacks for quite a few months. Finally had such a severe one I ended up in the ER. Doctor said my recent weight loss caused me to build up too many stones. I also had a rare tumor inside. Glad it's gone!!! I was sore for a couple days, never took any narcotics, just used motrin and tylenol. Back to work in 2 weeks, would have been sooner but since I don't have desk job I had to wait until I could lift heavy stuff again. My advice is to go and get it done sooner rather than later...you'll be glad you did!!!

Good luck!!
 
#60 ·
What is it with you kids and gallstones?

I have seen more 40's w/stones in the last 2 years than I think I have in the previous 10...

I hope you didn't do all freeway? I can give you some great backroad routes Cindy and I have ridden if interested in the future when you head this direction past Glacier and Yellowstone.
 
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#61 ·
What is it with you kids and gallstones?



I have seen more 40's w/stones in the last 2 years than I think I have in the previous 10...



I hope you didn't do all freeway? I can give you some great backroad routes Cindy and I have ridden if interested in the future when you head this direction past Glacier and Yellowstone.


The 3 Fs. Fat, forty and female. I know that sounds terrible but that’s a popular pneumonic taught for medical boards.
 
#74 ·
A quick update from me....I have not wanted to be around TAM much lately so am taking a break (still on it) but just wanted to check in.

Even though I don't really have much to share!

I am not seeing anyone and had taken a break from the dating apps for a bit, but just this week turned them back on and now have 2 dates with 2 different guys lined up for this weekend. Both seem like good candidates for what I'm seeking but we never know until we get there, of course.

A week or two ago, my silver fox Paul Hollywood lookalike reached out to me and said he'd been thinking of me and missed me and yada yada yada. We had not had any contact since the day I broke it off so it was weird to hear from him out of the blue. Anyway, I quickly remembered all the reasons I do not want to see him again...but dang, I also quickly remembered how freaking hot and sexy he is and how great the sex was between us. I've never really been in this position before where someone who is not really interesting or intelligent enough to keep me around is ALSO so hot and sexy (and good at sex) that I feel drawn to them anyway. I remember it used to confuse me when I was younger and guy friends would keep going back to these women who they didn't even like or respect but the women were hot bimbos and so it was like the guys had no way to refuse them. I used to think the guys were idiots for behaving this way. But, I totally get it now. I'm so conflicted about my feelings with this guy but honestly if we are going to hang out together I will not be able to resist hooking up with him. So he was definitely angling for a hook up, but I was able to just put him off and be polite about it. However, I told him I may be willing to hang out in a few weeks once he gets back from a trip he's taking. I also may change my mind before then. I don't know, I'm so up and down on that guy. He's so hotttt!!!! And I just want to kiss him and have sex with him!!! As long as we just don't try to have much conversation. Ugh. Why does he have to be so freaking sexy and bomb me with it? lol

I haven't been with anyone since him either so part of my feelings are simply because I'm in the middle of a dry spell and he's my last good sexy memories.

So like I said, not much of an update...am looking forward to my 2 dates this weekend, looking forward to meeting these chaps in person. Both are sexy in their way and neither has been a cad at all while chatting on the dating site (is a good sign when they are sexy but not a cad). I don't normally line up 2 at once but that's just how this worked out this time.

I've been checking people's updates here but haven't signed in or posted for a while. I'll check back in after my dates.

Happy new year to all my lovely singletons!!
 
#78 ·
Didn't get tagged but I'm here anyway 8>)

Never followed the previous Singles threads when I was single.

Now that I'm not single, I wish to follow. Pop always said I was ass-backwards.

FIP..... plus where else could I share my two worst dates ever at LOL......
 
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