“It’s never good enough for you” double-standard? - Talk About Marriage
Long Term Success in Marriage If you've been married 10+ years and consider your marriage a success, post your success story here. Help others by talking about what works for you.

User Tag List

 110Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 104 (permalink) Old 12-05-2019, 09:16 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 138
“It’s never good enough for you” double-standard?

Curious if I’m the only one who thinks there is a double-standard between the sexes on the phrase spelled out in the title? Do you think people use that phrase as a way to dodge culpability in something they should own but choose not to. I also feel like woman get a pass but guys do not because women remind us their under such societal pressure (which I do believe exists BTW).

Specifically if the woman says “it’s never good enough for you” the guy has to back down and respect that “that’s how she is” and he’s ass for bringing it up. If he says it, it’s a flimsy excuse and he’s not owning it. It’s almost as if she’s using the phrase to deflect any criticism whatsoever.

If the following “are “not good enough” he has to own it and fix it:
- work ethic, salary, standard of living
- being more romantic
- doing more with kids
- zoning out or not engaging more
- not listening
- eating and fitness habits
- developing stronger religious faith
- watching less sports
- noticing other women/avoiding porn
- desiring enthusiastic sex
- dressing like a slob
- not wanting to go out on a date
- housework or home maintenance equity
- drinking, smoking less
- speaking her love languages
- supporting her passions / hobbies

If the following are not good enough he needs to accept her for who she is and quit try to change her:
- spending more than they make
- house, car, finances in general
- unenthusiastic sex or (wanting too much sex)
- dressing down 24/7
- poor eating habits
- listening to respond not take in
- obsession with social media and Pinterest
- dating the kids rather than dating your spouse
- minimal interest his passions
- addressing medical issues



Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

aaarghdub is online now  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 104 (permalink) Old 12-05-2019, 12:33 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 42
Re: “It’s never good enough for you” double-standard?

Oh, I tend to agree with this, and I'm a woman. I think that society these days pretty much has the attitude that a man is not a good husband/boyfriend/partner unless the woman gets her way 99% of the time. I think feminism, for all the good things it has accomplished as far as women getting equal rights/opportunities, has morphed into something that does a disservice to both genders by trying to turn men into women with penises, as if the female outlook/approach to life is the "correct" one. Not everyone thinks this, of course, but it seems to be the prevelant message in the media and advertising.

Both men and women should own their behaviors and be committed to working on the things that erode the strength of a relationship.

Last edited by cheapie; 12-05-2019 at 01:41 PM.
cheapie is offline  
post #3 of 104 (permalink) Old 12-06-2019, 11:20 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 1,344
Re: “It’s never good enough for you” double-standard?

I think that I am more critical than my partner. He is happy with minimum so he doesn’t ever suggest anything for me or anything. Whereas I always to more or to improve or whatever, and I find he never changes and wants me to just be happy and accept him for who he is. On his opinion I demand perfect, and I think he is way off base and I think he’s a little lazy and dramatic.
Girl_power is offline  
 
post #4 of 104 (permalink) Old 12-06-2019, 11:32 AM
Member
 
father_of_2's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: Texas
Posts: 108
Re: “It’s never good enough for you” double-standard?

I think this is embodied in the representation of men on TV, especially in sitcoms and commercials, as useless oafs who (despite having a high paying job that puts a roof over their family's heads) can't seem to tie his shoes correctly or is only interested in watching football, has no interest in the kids, etc. But the women are there to tell him what to wear, where to be, and when he needs to lose some weight.
father_of_2 is offline  
post #5 of 104 (permalink) Old 12-06-2019, 11:41 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2018
Posts: 1,872
Or you're 'controlling' when it comes to eating habits or finances... not her, though...
UpsideDownWorld11 is offline  
post #6 of 104 (permalink) Old 12-06-2019, 01:57 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 138
“It’s never good enough for you” double-standard?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Girl_power View Post
I think that I am more critical than my partner. He is happy with minimum so he doesn’t ever suggest anything for me or anything. Whereas I always to more or to improve or whatever, and I find he never changes and wants me to just be happy and accept him for who he is. On his opinion I demand perfect, and I think he is way off base and I think he’s a little lazy and dramatic.

What you really wanna say is “sure I accept and love you for who you are... I just find it increasingly unattractive.” I know I do. Smacks of entitlement. Partners need to realize there are hundreds of other people willing to take their place. Funny how when we’re in the dating pool it’s ALL about self-improvement.

Discussing this with my wife this weekend I said that your spouse sees who you are and your potential often better than you. I didn’t want to necessarily improve myself at the time but I did and I’m much better, thanked her for it and that I trust her judgement. I said it kinda hurts that instead of trusting me she thinks I just need to accept her how she is.

EDIT: to me the “vulnerability” of owning and wanting to improve together is very attractive in a partner. And I guarantee if you said “no I don’t accept and I’m out of here” they would be fixing it or hiding it once in the dating pool again.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Last edited by aaarghdub; 12-06-2019 at 02:12 PM.
aaarghdub is online now  
post #7 of 104 (permalink) Old 12-06-2019, 04:29 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 7,262
Re: “It’s never good enough for you” double-standard?

As I have got older I have got easier to please and more easy going. Or maybe its being married for 14 years to the most easy going easy to please laid back Aussie ever. Its nice to be more content and not bother about the things that so many others worry about, and I also understand that in marriage we need to love and accept each other as we are and not try and change each other into something we are not.

So the list you write isn't really an issue, and is in fact very generalised and too over simplified.

Last edited by Diana7; 12-06-2019 at 10:55 PM.
Diana7 is offline  
post #8 of 104 (permalink) Old 12-06-2019, 07:02 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 1,344
Re: “It’s never good enough for you” double-standard?

It’s all about unmet expectations. And we form these expectations early on in life. And there SHOULD be some expectations in relationships.
Girl_power is offline  
post #9 of 104 (permalink) Old 12-06-2019, 08:21 PM
Member
 
Hiner112's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2019
Location: Near Harrisonburg, VA, USA
Posts: 93
Re: “It’s never good enough for you” double-standard?

When the wife announced she was leaving, I started to do a lot of introspection and reading about causes and solutions of the situation I was in. The preponderance of opinion could be summed up as "If you do everything your wife says (and thinks) you should do, everything will be wonderful because she will automatically know what will make you happy and will do it". There are lots of negative implications in all of it. The husband is lazy and inconsiderate while the wife is empathetic and diligent. The husband doesn't listen and the wife carries the family on her back. She's selfless and he's selfish.

Almost none of it could be applied to an involved father. It also didn't allow for fallibility in the wives. That's especially unfair for the women (too much pressure).
Hiner112 is online now  
post #10 of 104 (permalink) Old 12-06-2019, 08:25 PM
TJW
Member
 
TJW's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,353
Re: “It’s never good enough for you” double-standard?

duplicated post


Last edited by TJW; 12-06-2019 at 08:45 PM.
TJW is offline  
post #11 of 104 (permalink) Old 12-06-2019, 08:31 PM
TJW
Member
 
TJW's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,353
Re: “It’s never good enough for you” double-standard?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Girl_power View Post
It’s all about unmet expectations. And we form these expectations early on in life.
Yes. But women are allowed to have unrealistic expectations. They want to stay home with the kids, while living in a house that THREE incomes wouldn't support, and have a husband who doesn't really need to work, but who can devote 90% of his waking life to "doing things with the family" and "helping around the house".

And, women are allowed to cite the above expectations as a prerequisite to sexual attraction to their husband, and as a VALID REASON why they are allowed to act like a pandering b___h wolf in heat at a rock concert.

After all, these paragons of irresistible male pulchritude are so grateful for each and every one of them, and will be right there to wipe up snot as soon as they step off their entertainer coaches.
TJW is offline  
post #12 of 104 (permalink) Old 12-06-2019, 08:40 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2019
Location: Snowy North
Posts: 507
Quote:
Originally Posted by father_of_2 View Post
I think this is embodied in the representation of men on TV, especially in sitcoms and commercials, as useless oafs who (despite having a high paying job that puts a roof over their family's heads) can't seem to tie his shoes correctly or is only interested in watching football, has no interest in the kids, etc. But the women are there to tell him what to wear, where to be, and when he needs to lose some weight.
Which is why I don't watch TV or movies anymore.
Numb26 is online now  
post #13 of 104 (permalink) Old 12-06-2019, 08:48 PM
TJW
Member
 
TJW's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,353
Re: “It’s never good enough for you” double-standard?

Quote:
Originally Posted by father_of_2
useless oafs
Isn't it amazing how good a provider a bumbling fool is ?
TJW is offline  
post #14 of 104 (permalink) Old 12-06-2019, 11:01 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 7,262
Re: “It’s never good enough for you” double-standard?

In marriage its also very helpful to have God involved, because when I pray about being a better wife, God answers and sometimes challenges me on things that I should or shouldn't be doing. Not comfortable for me at all sometimes, but His aim is to keep marriages strong and after all I did ask.
Diana7 is offline  
post #15 of 104 (permalink) Old 12-07-2019, 06:57 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2018
Posts: 1,344
Re: “It’s never good enough for you” double-standard?

Quote:
Originally Posted by TJW View Post
Yes. But women are allowed to have unrealistic expectations. They want to stay home with the kids, while living in a house that THREE incomes wouldn't support, and have a husband who doesn't really need to work, but who can devote 90% of his waking life to "doing things with the family" and "helping around the house".

And, women are allowed to cite the above expectations as a prerequisite to sexual attraction to their husband, and as a VALID REASON why they are allowed to act like a pandering b___h wolf in heat at a rock concert.

After all, these paragons of irresistible male pulchritude are so grateful for each and every one of them, and will be right there to wipe up snot as soon as they step off their entertainer coaches.


I understand what your saying. Yea that’s bull crap. But that’s just not my experience at all. My experience is I work just as much outside the home, and way more inside the home. That the man feels entitled to sit down and relax and decompress after a stressful day of work and not help out around the house. And then when he does help, he expects a big thank you and appreciation like he cured cancer.
And then they turn it into this... nothing is ever good enough, you expect perfection blah blah blah, and all I can say is I don’t expect a gold medal when I take out the trash. I just do it.
Girl_power is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in










Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome