Benefits vs Negatives of Marriage for Men - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
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post #31 of 45 (permalink) Old 01-04-2018, 10:39 AM
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Re: Benefits vs Negatives of Marriage for Men

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Perhaps you could list the benefits for woman? You see, for women there are plenty of negatives.
As Lilith, I can list them:

Having a voice and having no ear to listen to my words.
Having no one to listen to my fears.
Having no one to listen to my fears and acknowledge their worth, these my fears.

Having no one to prevent these fears from happening.

Having no shoulder to cry on.
Only having criticism as my comforting deliverance, my fate.

Not allowed to have a voice, when that voice spells trouble or concern.

Not having a man, to hold, to caress, to hold me in return.
Him holding me, rocking in me..after he has sent, spent his desire in me.
Oh, God, mine never realized.

When I am confronted and disrespected, him not behind me, him looking away.
Away at something, totally disengaged, totally out of tune to my needs, my troubles.

My loving eyes, never seen, never noticed. When he looks at me, he looks through me.

Him never seeing me, only seeing himself, seeing his troubles, apart from our common needs.

When I hold him close, he is not near. He is somewhere, not with me.
He is with me, on my spot in life, until he gets off, then he goes his own way.

When I go out of my way to do a favor, the favor is ignored, never thanked.
Now, the favor is ever expected. Me setting the precedence, him not the reciprocal.

I love him with all my heart. I will do so.

Do so until, none remains, then I wil do the "Walk away Wife" dance, not a prance.
Heartspent, dejected, I as a wife have no desire to Prance.
Walking and crying take up all my verdure to endure.

By Lilith, the secretary, with one man under her belt. And he, a bad one, indeed.

This....This is the nub of the stick that pokes me in the eye when the light of day energizes my optic nerve....SunCMars.... The Allegory of the Cave--> On this, I did a '180' and stepped out. The Lion in Winter. Invictus..By Will, Shall.
The Host, Rd is ill, any years left, remain now, in doubt? Red Dog is now lost to us.
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post #32 of 45 (permalink) Old 01-04-2018, 10:39 AM
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Re: Benefits vs Negatives of Marriage for Men

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Lets see for my ex husband. He benefited by not working for 4 years and exhorting 500,000 from my accounts. That doesnt count his endless losing of jobs and time between jobs where I supported him. I also paid down his debts. He also benefited from the divorce when only pays $279/month for both kids and only gets them part time because he didnt want to do a 50/50 split with me. He also gets to claim one child on taxes and gets those benefits though he barely has them.

So yeah being a man being married and now divorced has been really beneficial and profitable for him. He can basically live a single life and have fun while I carry the burden of raising kids and being responsible.

I would want to be married to me too. I am essentially the one provider for my family.
@bkyln309, good lord, I'm sorry that you're going through (or went through) this, whatever the case may be. That royally sucks, and it amazes me just how much some people will take advantage of others. :-(
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post #33 of 45 (permalink) Old 01-04-2018, 10:52 AM
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Re: Benefits vs Negatives of Marriage for Men

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Not necessarily these days, no. My STBXH and I entered into our marriage (a first for us both) a bit later in life (him at 43, me at 35). Therefore, we both had things that we wanted to protect should things go south, which they did. We had a prenup done up pre-marriage to protect us both. So, in the end, he walked away with his RRSPs, pensions and finances intact; I walked away with my home, my dogs and finances intact. The only thing that we each needed to pay for are our separate divorce expenses. And, I owed him $1300 for the big items that he didn't want to move out of my home (bed, treadmill, mattress). So, it depends on the situation and whether or not a prenup is involved.
I agree with you, but then again you have to ask yourself if you have to go through these lengths to plan for the divorce and protect your income and assets before you get married, what's the point in getting married at all? You could've just shacked up and kept your finances separate and achieved the same outcome.
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post #34 of 45 (permalink) Old 01-04-2018, 11:36 AM
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Re: Benefits vs Negatives of Marriage for Men

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@bkyln309, good lord, I'm sorry that you're going through (or went through) this, whatever the case may be. That royally sucks, and it amazes me just how much some people will take advantage of others. :-(
My only regret in divorcing him was why I waited so long. Im sick of hearing of all the men say marriage benefits women. It surely does not as most of the former family responsibilities fall to the women.

Its a big lie manifested by men who want a single carefree life. Most dont or wont take their minor children for a significant amount of time while they troll around with women young enough to be their daughters in brand new cars and houses. Then men say why do I have to pay child support? Because you help create the kids you now dont want to spend time with. Its sad and pathetic really.

So stop the nonense of all my ex wife did was take advantage of me. She was keeping your house, your kids and most likely working outside the home. And how much did the men do to try to keep the spark alive with their wives. I know I worked my butt off to keep my man happy and guess what. He just wanted to do the minimium. And honestly, the more I hear from my now divorced friends, it applies most of the time.

Not to mention, these men are now single and doing the minimum saying I just want a casual relationship, nothing serious.

Last edited by bkyln309; 01-04-2018 at 11:43 AM.
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post #35 of 45 (permalink) Old 01-04-2018, 11:51 AM
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Re: Benefits vs Negatives of Marriage for Men

I have read that married men tend to live longer. I can say my W is always looking to keep us(me) healthy with proper eating and regular check up at the doctors. My overall wellness is very good as a result. There are many other benefits to being married(at least for me). I do not have any negatives to speak about. Although my W and I are not perfect we accept who we are and it works for us.

ďYou're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.Ē
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #36 of 45 (permalink) Old 01-04-2018, 12:20 PM
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Re: Benefits vs Negatives of Marriage for Men

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I think he is upset and hurt. And, yes, bitter from his relationship.

This could be a great place for him to come to if he opens up.
If he were bitter and hurt and looking to open up, he would do more than post the OP. There would be clarification and responses from him. He knows that:

1) Women bashing happens on a daily basis on this forum, and is deemed acceptable
2) Negative stereotypes about women are repeated ad infinitum and quoted as fact, and are also deemed acceptable and
3) This always causes a ruckus when women step in and get defensive

He posts nothing more than the thread to start the fight, then sits back and watches it play out.
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post #37 of 45 (permalink) Old 01-04-2018, 12:20 PM
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Re: Benefits vs Negatives of Marriage for Men

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I have read that married men tend to live longer. I can say my W is always looking to keep us(me) healthy with proper eating and regular check up at the doctors. My overall wellness is very good as a result. There are many other benefits to being married(at least for me). I do not have any negatives to speak about. Although my W and I are not perfect we accept who we are and it works for us.
Even speaking as a rather pro-woman man on this thread (depressing), I think that is misleading. If you have poor health, or are in poverty, marriage will be less likely for you and that would explain it. I am certainly at my healthiest when single.

The reports that show middle-aged men are happiest if there divorce hardly mean a man who is happily married should divorce. These stats are pretty worthless in themselves.
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post #38 of 45 (permalink) Old 01-04-2018, 12:29 PM
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Re: Benefits vs Negatives of Marriage for Men

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Even speaking as a rather pro-woman man on this thread (depressing), I think that is misleading. If you have poor health, or are in poverty, marriage will be less likely for you and that would explain it. I am certainly at my healthiest when single.

The reports that show middle-aged men are happiest if there divorce hardly mean a man who is happily married should divorce. These stats are pretty worthless in themselves.
Every situation is different. I for one would not schedule a wellness visit on my own. If it don't hurt I don't need to see a doctor. My W sees to it and gets me out the door for wellness visits. And, my last blood test indicated very high cholesterol. My doctor said I'm in for a major event in 10 years as a result. If my W did not push me to go, schedule the appointment I would be non-the-wiser.

ďYou're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.Ē
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post #39 of 45 (permalink) Old 01-04-2018, 12:45 PM
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Re: Benefits vs Negatives of Marriage for Men

Truthfully, Iím not seeing much benefit to marriage for anyone anymore. I have 2 1/2 years left with this one and I will never do it again. I canít see myself even wanting to date again, much less live with another man.
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post #40 of 45 (permalink) Old 01-04-2018, 12:53 PM
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Re: Benefits vs Negatives of Marriage for Men

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My only regret in divorcing him was why I waited so long. Im sick of hearing of all the men say marriage benefits women. It surely does not as most of the former family responsibilities fall to the women.

That depends on the family. My family had division of labor where I did some things and the former wife did others. It worked very well for us. I know guys that get walked on by their wives and do everything they ask and I know wives that get walked all over by their husbands. It seems to be more of a personality type that determines it than a gender.

Its a big lie manifested by men who want a single carefree life. Most dont or wont take their minor children for a significant amount of time while they troll around with women young enough to be their daughters in brand new cars and houses. Then men say why do I have to pay child support? Because you help create the kids you now dont want to spend time with. Its sad and pathetic really.

Again it depends on the man. Myself and many of my male friends put our kids as our top priority and don't run our lives the way you describe. I also know married women that leave the childrearing to their husbands (both work full time), so again I think it is personality type rather than a gender issue that determines it.

So stop the nonense of all my ex wife did was take advantage of me. She was keeping your house, your kids and most likely working outside the home. And how much did the men do to try to keep the spark alive with their wives. I know I worked my butt off to keep my man happy and guess what. He just wanted to do the minimium. And honestly, the more I hear from my now divorced friends, it applies most of the time.

A lot of people on here are bitter, which is where the taking advantage comes from. Give them a couple years and I bet most of it disappears. My XW got the far worse end of the divorce too; I actually felt bad for her.

Not to mention, these men are now single and doing the minimum saying I just want a casual relationship, nothing serious.

I'm not going to argue that one. It's hard to date seriously and develop a committed relationship when your energy/time/money is being focused on your kids.
I'm going to guess that you have more close female friends than close male friends, and it's the opposite for me, which might be why our perceptions are different. We are each hearing and believing those that are closest to us.
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post #41 of 45 (permalink) Old 01-04-2018, 01:10 PM
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Re: Benefits vs Negatives of Marriage for Men

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Truthfully, Iím not seeing much benefit to marriage for anyone anymore. I have 2 1/2 years left with this one and I will never do it again. I canít see myself even wanting to date again, much less live with another man.
I guess the real question is why do we need to see a benefit of marriage at all? Does everything we do need to have a benefit attached?

I understand were you are coming from. I'm happily married. If for some reason the marriage failed I would be content to move on by myself. I may be the oddball but I'm never alone when I'm by myself. If that make sense.

ďYou're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.Ē
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post #42 of 45 (permalink) Old 01-04-2018, 01:19 PM
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Re: Benefits vs Negatives of Marriage for Men

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I guess the real question is why do we need to see a benefit of marriage at all? Does everything we do need to have a benefit attached?

I understand were you are coming from. I'm happily married. If for some reason the marriage failed I would be content to move on by myself. I may be the oddball but I'm never alone when I'm by myself. If that make sense.

I think there should be a benefit in most actions a person takes. Iím not talking necessarily about tangible things but abstract, as well. A relationship either enhances (benefits) your life or it doesnít. Most people donít enter relationships with the expectation that it will have a neutral effect upon their lives.

Your last 2 sentences absolutely make sense to me. Iím content to be alone and know how to be alone. The idea of it doesnít bother me in the least. I know how to be my own best company and am never bored when I am by myself.

I hope your marriage continues to be a benefit to you.
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post #43 of 45 (permalink) Old 01-04-2018, 01:30 PM
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Re: Benefits vs Negatives of Marriage for Men

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I think there should be a benefit in most actions a person takes. Iím not talking necessarily about tangible things but abstract, as well. A relationship either enhances (benefits) your life or it doesnít. Most people donít enter relationships with the expectation that it will have a neutral effect upon their lives.

Your last 2 sentences absolutely make sense to me. Iím content to be alone and know how to be alone. The idea of it doesnít bother me in the least. I know how to be my own best company and am never bored when I am by myself.

I hope your marriage continues to be a benefit to you.
Maybe a better word then "benefit" would be "enriches"?

My marriage is good. Maybe because we both like to do things together and being alone doing our own thing works for us as well. I attend classic car shows with my cars. My W will go maybe once if the weather is right. Too hot she will stay home. This does not bother me. It is my hobby. Cruising down the road alone to the shows. Give me my time to get lost in my own thoughts. Meeting people with mutual likes (cars) and enjoying the day by doing my own thing is great. My W enjoys her pool(it is her thing) while I'm at a show. She enjoys this time in her own thoughts. If I'm home we enjoy the pool together. We are one but also we are individuals.

ďYou're painfully alive in a drugged and dying culture.Ē
― Richard Yates, Revolutionary Road
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post #44 of 45 (permalink) Old 01-04-2018, 01:38 PM
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Benefits for a man as I see it and have lived it for 18 years now:
A friend, best friend, to make lots of memories with, sure I could go from woman to woman traveling and doing new things with each but it is fulfilling to me to bring up things we did ten or twenty years ago together and talk about shared experiences.We plan and have goals which helps drive and motivate me, she is my cheerleader, I tell her she is, and she encourages me and helps me to achieve goals I set or we set, she supports everything I do and has followed me throughout our life together, I would not be where I am today, partner of a professional firm at 40 years old, I believe without her and the kids as motivation. She is mother to my children, my children live in a traditional family where we share responsibilities and she takes on more than I ever could as the mother so that I can do what I have to do outside of the home and for the benefit of our children. She is my lover, after 20 years together, married for 18, she knows me and I know her so well we know how to please each other physically, she knows what I like and she goes above and beyond to please me, sure having sex with lots of women sounds like a lot of fun but I have someone I love and trust and who is willing and able to please me very well, it helps that she is very submissive in bed and willing to do all sex acts I can think of to please me, at the same time I am not cruel and I take her feelings and body into consideration and our shared love and respect for each other makes the sex very enjoyable. When I am sick she nurses me, I call her nurse of the house, she sets my doctor appointments and keeps a watchful eye on my health and well being as well as our kidís. In the house she cooks , cleans, does the laundry, and I do very little around the house, though I do cook because I enjoy it a couple of times per week, and she likes doing these things for me and the kids, she values the work she does to beautify our homes and serve me and the children.
So for me having a best friend, motivator, lover, nurse, and mother of the children not to mention decorator, stylist, and business partner all rolled up into a sexy woman who loves me and follows my lead is a positive benefit for me.

I know not all women are willing to follow their husbandís lead and I know not all men are cut out to be good leaders, so a lot of problems start there. Not all women would serve her husband and children like mine does, honestly I think it has a lot to do with culture (Italian-American) and religion (Cathocism) which are both losing ground in todayís society, but both traditionally have defined roles of husband and wife/man and woman that I and my wife have tried to live up to. I may be the macho type of man she needs, and she may be the submissive serving woman I need, it works for us as a couple and as parents very well. When I have done wrong she is forgiving, she gets angry and hurt, but she always forgives and hungers for my love and affection. When she has done wrong (itís rare) I have chastised her (harshly at times) and have corrected her, but still I forgive her and follow up with love and affection. Marrriage can be great if the couple is compatible. I know not very many women outside of my culture and religion would have a husband who is the macho type, who they answer to, who they treat with respect, who they love but also fear (a bit), who will chastise them and who is stubborn and yet commands so much from them. It is not easy for her, I know that, and I appreciate it a lot, and I show her my appreciation with my time and generoisity and attention.

So thereís my long story of the positive benefit of marriage as I see it.
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post #45 of 45 (permalink) Old 01-04-2018, 01:42 PM
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Re: Benefits vs Negatives of Marriage for Men

I locked this thread because the OP is not participating in the thread he started.

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