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post #136 of 296 (permalink) Old 05-02-2018, 07:14 AM
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Re: Can someone explain "friend zoned" to me, please?

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I wanted to know what other people thought of the malice. Why is it viewed as malicious.
I don't think it's malicious.
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post #137 of 296 (permalink) Old 05-02-2018, 07:18 AM
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Re: Can someone explain "friend zoned" to me, please?

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I don't think it's malicious.
however, it can be. I have seen it often enough... A woman is friends with a guy, leads him on without being honest. Partly his fault for not seeing it for what it is, but she always offers this glimmer of hope that a dating relationship will happen.
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post #138 of 296 (permalink) Old 05-02-2018, 08:34 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Can someone explain "friend zoned" to me, please?

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however, it can be. I have seen it often enough... A woman is friends with a guy, leads him on without being honest. Partly his fault for not seeing it for what it is, but she always offers this glimmer of hope that a dating relationship will happen.
This is where I fall down in my understanding. What does that glimmer of hope look like?
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post #139 of 296 (permalink) Old 05-02-2018, 08:49 AM
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Re: Can someone explain "friend zoned" to me, please?

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however, it can be. I have seen it often enough... A woman is friends with a guy, leads him on without being honest. Partly his fault for not seeing it for what it is, but she always offers this glimmer of hope that a dating relationship will happen.
At the same time, this guy who is friendzoned can't get a girlfriend. Partly his fault because he has this friend whom he has allowed to take his over life but HE will not see it that way. He may even bad mouth the women who refuse to date him claiming that they are jealous and insecure due to his female BFF.

Yes, it's on the guy for not having proper boundaries but it is a lot of agro. These dynamics need to be understood by someone who is / is considering dating the guy. This is why I had reached a point when dating my husband I felt comfortable telling him either she goes or I go and did not feel that there was anything controlling about what I had asked for.

As far as being "friends" with guys,

1. with my ex(English)H, I suspect he wanted to use me to stay connected to the expat community in London and, as I said, cherry pick the friends I bring him in contact with.

2, with ex BF, I suspect he was looking for a opening back into my life and a way to accuse me of "stringing him along" to guilt me back into dating him. Yes, I know, all of us balanced, mentally healthy people here at TAM not only would never do something like that but we don't even know anyone who ever would ..... of course, but there are people out there who will do that.

I bet even in Personal's case, that woman would who thought if she hung out with @Personal enough she would get a boyfriend out of it, probably did everything she could to ruin his reputation after they parted ways. that's how these types operate ....... if they don't outright stalk the person.

This is why it is important to understand friend zoning and when you might be an unwitting participant in it.
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post #140 of 296 (permalink) Old 05-02-2018, 09:17 AM
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Re: Can someone explain "friend zoned" to me, please?

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This is where I fall down in my understanding. What does that glimmer of hope look like?
Him with the perspective, usually formed in his own mind, that if he hangs in there its going to become romantic. It "looks" like that when he gets turned down for a real date, usually her saying she's already made plans with no rain check, he keeps hanging around like a girlfriend. Some women take advantage of his quest by keeping him around as a gofor and sidekick. The techniques she's uses to do this fosters his formulation of a glimmer of hope. Its an extremely bad investment on his part because 99.6% of the time, these guy don't get any poon tang and are the laughing stock of her all her girlfriends.

"The facts have never mattered less than they do today. We're living in a time where the truth has been so diminished in value, even those at the top of government (and the media) are quite comfortable with the truth being whatever they can convince people to believe",
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post #141 of 296 (permalink) Old 05-02-2018, 09:22 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Can someone explain "friend zoned" to me, please?

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Originally Posted by VladDracul View Post
Him with the perspective, usually formed in his own mind, that if he hangs in there its going to become romantic.
I recognize that you are not the one who posted this. But I am replying to " A woman is friends with a guy, leads him on without being honest" where later the poster says SHE is acting in a way to give him a glimmer of hope. SHE is acting in that way. Not him misinterpreting it. That is what I cannot visualize. I tend to be about as subtle as a brick to the head. So maybe it is me. But I don't think so. I have yet to see what this leading on looks like from the standpoint of dishonest behavior.

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It "looks" like that when he gets turned down for a real date, usually her saying she's already made plans with no rain check, he keeps hanging around like a girlfriend. Some women take advantage of his quest by keeping him around as a gofor and sidekick. The techniques she's uses to do this fosters his formulation of a glimmer of hope. Its an extremely bad investment on his part because 99.6% of the time, these guy don't get any poon tang and are the laughing stock of her all her girlfriends.
I do stuff like help my friends so I still don't see what this looks like. If she only calls him to move things, then she sounds like, at worst, a ****ty friend.
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post #142 of 296 (permalink) Old 05-02-2018, 09:47 AM
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Re: Can someone explain "friend zoned" to me, please?

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I do stuff like help my friends so I still don't see what this looks like. If she only calls him to move things, then she sounds like, at worst, a ****ty friend.
Are you on a mission to expunge this term from common use?

I think it's good to examine this special relationship situation. Maybe for some it will be subtle. but for others it will not.

This is a ****ty relationship but with a twist. It's about someone who is determined that you will not date anyone else as long as they are around. Some people don't figure that out until after years of hanging out with the person. It's about women who use guys because they are still looking "for the one."

It's also, IMO, about men who constantly offer favors to stay in a woman's life, most likely conscious of how needy that woman might be, therefore, knowing full well that it would be hard to turn down things. like money / helping them to find a job / helping them to network (the better to control that person's reputation) / and so on.

there's no question in my mind that if I had accepted ex Bf's offer of friendship, he would have insisted on paying for everything and then accuse me of using him. I avoided that agro completely by avoiding him completely.

There are other types of relationships / friendships that are ****ty as well ..... in their own unique way.
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post #143 of 296 (permalink) Old 05-02-2018, 09:50 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Can someone explain "friend zoned" to me, please?

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Are you on a mission to expunge this term from common use?
No. Not like I could. What I genuinely don't get is the people who feel that it is right to consider a yet identified behavior as specifically malicious.

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I think it's good to examine this special relationship situation. Maybe for some it will be subtle. but for others it will not.

This is a ****ty relationship but with a twist. It's about someone who is determined that you will not date anyone else as long as they are around. Some people don't figure that out until after years of hanging out with the person. It's about women who use guys because they are still looking "for the one."
Oh. Plan B. I have certainly heard of that.
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post #144 of 296 (permalink) Old 05-02-2018, 09:51 AM
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Re: Can someone explain "friend zoned" to me, please?

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I recognize that you are not the one who posted this. But I am replying to " A woman is friends with a guy, leads him on without being honest" where later the poster says SHE is acting in a way to give him a glimmer of hope. SHE is acting in that way. Not him misinterpreting it. That is what I cannot visualize. I tend to be about as subtle as a brick to the head. So maybe it is me. But I don't think so. I have yet to see what this leading on looks like from the standpoint of dishonest behavior.



I do stuff like help my friends so I still don't see what this looks like. If she only calls him to move things, then she sounds like, at worst, a ****ty friend.
Like I said before, this is basically a temper tantrum over not "getting some." It's esoteric and hard to define because it is basically sour grapes. That's why you can't get a read on it.

He's interested, she's not. He isn;t mature enough to just say "well, that's life." It MUST be something wrong with the female.
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post #145 of 296 (permalink) Old 05-02-2018, 09:51 AM
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Re: Can someone explain "friend zoned" to me, please?

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I do stuff like help my friends so I still don't see what this looks like. If she only calls him to move things, then she sounds like, at worst, a ****ty friend.
the problem arises with some women (likely a small minority, but not insignificant number), who basically are users. they give off flirting vibes, act like they want this friendship to be more (turn into a relationship) and want the boy friend (note: intentional not boyfriend), to do favors for them with nothing in return. So the sap thinks he has a chance. He is somewhat creating a covert contract, but the contract is really being driven by the woman and his lack of understanding of where things sit. In the short term, it can be mostly her fault, long term (months out) it comes down to what a particular guy is really willing to do for not much in return.

I see this a lot watching teenagers in my area. Entitled princesses who a very dishonest. Hard convo's with my boys. Talking to other parents about how to teach their boys. Really hard, because teen boys don't want to listen to their parents much.
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post #146 of 296 (permalink) Old 05-02-2018, 09:52 AM
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Re: Can someone explain "friend zoned" to me, please?

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I bet even in Personal's case, that woman would who thought if she hung out with @Personal enough she would get a boyfriend out of it, probably did everything she could to ruin his reputation after they parted ways. that's how these types operate ....... if they don't outright stalk the person.
She did no such thing, in fact she was very nice to me. She just blew up in one moment, as in she got upset when she realised, she had no chance and had invested time with me hoping for that.

Likewise when I met her and I showed brief interest on that first day, until I found something shallow that I didn't like. She had only been in Australia for a few weeks, English wasn't her native language and she was only 19. I don't think she should be painted badly, when her crime was to hope for someone and to be disappointed when those hopes were dashed.

And before this comes up she didn't need to marry anyone to stay in Australia.
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post #147 of 296 (permalink) Old 05-02-2018, 09:53 AM
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Re: Can someone explain "friend zoned" to me, please?

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Like I said before, this is basically a temper tantrum over not "getting some." It's esoteric and hard to define because it is basically sour grapes. That's why you can't get a read on it.

He's interested, she's not. He isn;t mature enough to just say "well, that's life." It MUST be something wrong with the female.
except, of course, when said female is being dishonest, out right lying, flirting and hinting at the friendship becoming more, but then backs out later. Of course that is all on the man, sheesh.
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post #148 of 296 (permalink) Old 05-02-2018, 09:53 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Can someone explain "friend zoned" to me, please?

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Originally Posted by naiveonedave View Post
the problem arises with some women (likely a small minority, but not insignificant number), who basically are users. they give off flirting vibes, act like they want this friendship to be more (turn into a relationship) and want the boy friend (note: intentional not boyfriend), to do favors for them with nothing in return.
The one thing you seem unwilling to answer is what that looks like.
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post #149 of 296 (permalink) Old 05-02-2018, 09:53 AM
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Re: Can someone explain "friend zoned" to me, please?

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they give off flirting vibes
Again, can you objectively define this? Some guys think a smile is flirting. Some think touching your arm is some sure sign of interest.

Basically, if she isn;t making out with or sleeping with you, assume you're a friend. It's not that hard.
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post #150 of 296 (permalink) Old 05-02-2018, 09:54 AM
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Re: Can someone explain "friend zoned" to me, please?

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This is where I fall down in my understanding. What does that glimmer of hope look like?
The girl gets dumped, cheated on, beaten, what have you, and she reaches out to her guy friend for a shoulder to cry on. He has had a crush on her for ages, and is oh so supportive. Building her up, telling her how wonderful she is, making sure she is taken care of, maybe brings her food, makes her dinner, maybe even vacuums her floor. Doing all the things that popular culture tell him women want in a partner, that they find attractive. She tells him how wonderful he is, such a great person, and that any woman will be lucky to have him.

"Let's never stop having sex. We're so good at it, we OWE it to sex to never stop having it."
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