Does she say no? - Page 8 - Talk About Marriage
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post #106 of 122 (permalink) Old 01-18-2019, 11:19 AM
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Re: Does she say no?

Agreed. Part of it is the fuzziness of phrases like "doesn't want sex". It can mean "doesn't particularly want it right now, because they would rather read facebook", or it could mean "sex now would be a horrible degrading experience".

I think its a separate situation if its is "actively don't want sex", and "would rather do something else".


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And this shows how so many things are subject to interpretation.

Your interpretation of this verse is clearly different from the other person who initially brought it up--or so it would appear from your comment and his comment. (Both of which are subject to interpretation as well.)

Your interpretation is that out of love and commitment, both partners should willingly engage in sex, even when not in the mood, for the mutual benefit of the relationship and one another's emotional and mental well-being.

The other person's interpretation is: "I don't give a crap if she wants to or not, she has to have sex with me when I want it because she's my wife, and the Bible says she has to."

Pretty big difference there.

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post #107 of 122 (permalink) Old 01-18-2019, 11:33 AM
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Re: Does she say no?

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Originally Posted by uhtred View Post
Agreed. Part of it is the fuzziness of phrases like "doesn't want sex". It can mean "doesn't particularly want it right now, because they would rather read facebook", or it could mean "sex now would be a horrible degrading experience".

I think its a separate situation if its is "actively don't want sex", and "would rather do something else".
Exactly. If a woman is browsing Facebook and waves off her husband because this cat picture is cute, she needs to put down the phone! lol

If her trip to get her yearly mammogram that day ended up with the doctor scheduling more testing because he was concerned about an area and she is upset because her mother died from breast cancer, then don't push it. (And yes, I know a "man" who insisted his wife service him on this exact type of evening.)
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post #108 of 122 (permalink) Old 03-08-2019, 03:25 AM
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Re: Does she say no?

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Originally Posted by 482 View Post
How many of you men out there in a relationship are told no to your sexual advances? I'm not wondering about the times when its real or relevant like when someone is sick or something. I am talking about when it just makes no sense, like the desire is not there. I have described my situation in other posts but I will give a quick overview here for background on the question. I get a yes from her about 7 out of 10 times I initiate. When she says no this starts a spiral of fighting for us most times but i digress. I am wondering how common this is for men on TAM? I wonder if some people have relationships where the desire is mutual and they never experience this type of dynamic at all or if this is just a common thing I am experiencing very late in life (I am almost 40)?
You need to keep in mind following factors. The wife is tired at the time due to lot of prior activity (lack of energy); when you are initiating (timing); the environment is encouraging (kids away; you two alone in your bedroom); or you conveyed your intentions to your wife in advance that you will make your move today at some point (communication). It is better to create a romantic/encouraging environment first, or to try to get her in the mood.

Out of the blue advances may or may not work each time. The wife might give in at times but not always depending upon the aforementioned factors.

Last edited by LeGenDary_Man; 03-08-2019 at 05:47 AM.
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post #109 of 122 (permalink) Old 09-02-2019, 03:10 PM
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Re: Does she say no?

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How many of you men out there in a relationship are told no to your sexual advances? I'm not wondering about the times when its real or relevant like when someone is sick or something. I am talking about when it just makes no sense, like the desire is not there. I have described my situation in other posts but I will give a quick overview here for background on the question. I get a yes from her about 7 out of 10 times I initiate. When she says no this starts a spiral of fighting for us most times but i digress. I am wondering how common this is for men on TAM? I wonder if some people have relationships where the desire is mutual and they never experience this type of dynamic at all or if this is just a common thing I am experiencing very late in life (I am almost 40)?
We have a marriage in which we share our bodies freely. We belong to the other. That means no one ever says no, barring sickness, or something similar. Her body is mine, and mine is hers. Sharing our physical affection is a responsibility to the other, and not just something to do for ourselves. I would recommend that kind of sharing in any marriage, as it truly reflects what it means to become one, and it also helps bring peace, trust, and delight in a marriage.

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post #110 of 122 (permalink) Old 09-02-2019, 03:40 PM
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Re: Does she say no?

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Exactly. If a woman is browsing Facebook and waves off her husband because this cat picture is cute, she needs to put down the phone! lol

If her trip to get her yearly mammogram that day ended up with the doctor scheduling more testing because he was concerned about an area and she is upset because her mother died from breast cancer, then don't push it. (And yes, I know a "man" who insisted his wife service him on this exact type of evening.)
That "man" might have had in his mind all the drivel he'd read about how sex is good for women when they're depressed for this-and-that reason. Articles written for women but twisted around when read by men to make it seem like their wife "needs" them to have sex so she'll be better, and the only reason she's not better is because she's not having sex often enough.
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post #111 of 122 (permalink) Old 09-03-2019, 09:00 AM
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Something that needs to be understood is as someone mentioned before a woman needs to be warmed up. Because you want sex right then and then to get an attitude becausr she doesnt have a switch to put someone to the same level of excitement you are.

A woman needs to feel like she is more than just a body part or to be more than to just serve a grown persons needs.

You said there are 3 children she had 4 other humans demanding of her affection, attention, and requiring her to take care of them in some form. Often times after the task of children a eoman doesnt have the frame of mind of feeling sexual and sex is the last thing in her mind to get off her feet to stop having someone asking something from her and sleep.

Often times it isnt the right spontaneous time there are other obligations. Not to mention a huge turn off for s woman id when she is only noticed or thst there is time for her is because of a desire for sex. Cant help or talk to her or there is something on tv or once you get what you need she feels tossed to the side no linger serves a purpose until the next time.


Then again it could be that she cares more for you as a human because you are a good caring living person. However, the sex is lack luster and may be not be the type that just needs to get off.
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post #112 of 122 (permalink) Old 09-03-2019, 09:22 AM
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Re: Does she say no?

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Something that needs to be understood is as someone mentioned before a woman needs to be warmed up. Because you want sex right then and then to get an attitude becausr she doesnt have a switch to put someone to the same level of excitement you are.
totally agreed.

Sometimes, men forget that the woman is not a toy to be switched on at that very moment, ESPECIALLY if the man hasn't given her attention throughout the day, hasn't made her feel loved, hasn't flirted ...so in a sentence - hasn't shown affection outside the bedroom.

Rarely does a woman say no and whe she does, it's because she doesn't feel valued for more than just the bedroom duties.

sokillme: *People cheat because of their nature, not because of their circumstance.*
Davelli0331: If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.
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post #113 of 122 (permalink) Old 09-03-2019, 12:09 PM
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Re: Does she say no?

Unfortunately that isn't always true. Some women (and men) just naturally have very low levels of desire for sex.

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totally agreed.

Sometimes, men forget that the woman is not a toy to be switched on at that very moment, ESPECIALLY if the man hasn't given her attention throughout the day, hasn't made her feel loved, hasn't flirted ...so in a sentence - hasn't shown affection outside the bedroom.

Rarely does a woman say no and whe she does, it's because she doesn't feel valued for more than just the bedroom duties.
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post #114 of 122 (permalink) Old 09-08-2019, 02:46 PM
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Re: Does she say no?

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How many of you men out there in a relationship are told no to your sexual advances? I'm not wondering about the times when its real or relevant like when someone is sick or something. I am talking about when it just makes no sense, like the desire is not there. I have described my situation in other posts but I will give a quick overview here for background on the question. I get a yes from her about 7 out of 10 times I initiate. When she says no this starts a spiral of fighting for us most times but i digress. I am wondering how common this is for men on TAM? I wonder if some people have relationships where the desire is mutual and they never experience this type of dynamic at all or if this is just a common thing I am experiencing very late in life (I am almost 40)?
Woman here
Yes 7 out of 10 times. 3 no's. Ugh then you pitch a little fit. I can tell you my husband at times experienced this. He's also experienced 100% yeses. I think this depends on how often you initiate. I mean if you are initiating daily or more than once a day I'd say you can expect some no's. Once a week at good times where you have been being a good partner then 3 no's out of ten not so expected.

I can tell you someone starting a fight over me not wanting to have sex would have been done. I'd be out I'm not your *****, sex slave or want to be in a relationship where the only thing I bring to the table is sex. Of course I've been in my relationship longer (25 years) so we have probably had a lot more reasons for me being out of the mood. Like child birth, rearing, vaginal tearing, death of a close parent, very stressful job, only getting 4 hours sleep, and the list goes on.

And for your survey, while I do initiate now mostly I like him to initiate. It makes me feel womanly and makes me see him as a man. Him taking it like a man when I don't feel like it makes me want him more the next time I'm in the mood. Makes me do things to him men appreciate. Because I do love him and I do desire him sexually and I do want to please him. But it doesn't happen everytime at the same time he might want it to.
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post #115 of 122 (permalink) Old 09-08-2019, 03:20 PM
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Re: Does she say no?

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Originally Posted by 482 View Post
How many of you men out there in a relationship are told no to your sexual advances? I'm not wondering about the times when its real or relevant like when someone is sick or something. I am talking about when it just makes no sense, like the desire is not there. I have described my situation in other posts but I will give a quick overview here for background on the question. I get a yes from her about 7 out of 10 times I initiate. When she says no this starts a spiral of fighting for us most times but i digress. I am wondering how common this is for men on TAM? I wonder if some people have relationships where the desire is mutual and they never experience this type of dynamic at all or if this is just a common thing I am experiencing very late in life (I am almost 40)?
There really is no "no" in our intimate relationship. We recognize sharing intimate affection as a responsibility to our partner, and not merely something to do if we spontaneously have the desire. Our bodies are shared property, so a "no" would be holding back what already belongs to the other person, or in fact an injustice. We share our bodies completely freely, and have great happiness, trust, and closeness this way. We are one flesh, not two.

We also view the whole of our relationship as a matter of our responsibilities and not just a matter of our personal desires, so we do out best to fulfill our responsibilities to the other. We want to do our job. As my wife is a submissive partner, she doesn't responds to me with a "no" in general anyway, but with a constant "yes," with the natural exception of if I were to ask her to do something evil. It is a fruitful and harmonious partnership. My wife and I are one.

You can almost be guaranteed, by the way, that when one partner is withholding from the other, that there will be friction in the relationship. There will grow bad attitudes. There will be bitterness, resentment, anger, and coldness. Over time, this can build up to a very hard heart and lack of love. I truly feel sorry for marriages that experience this, especially in the long term. There is great peace and delight in sharing affection freely.
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post #116 of 122 (permalink) Old 09-08-2019, 03:52 PM
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Re: Does she say no?

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Woman here
Yes 7 out of 10 times. 3 no's. Ugh then you pitch a little fit. I can tell you my husband at times experienced this. He's also experienced 100% yeses. I think this depends on how often you initiate. I mean if you are initiating daily or more than once a day I'd say you can expect some no's. Once a week at good times where you have been being a good partner then 3 no's out of ten not so expected.

I can tell you someone starting a fight over me not wanting to have sex would have been done. I'd be out. I'm not your *****, sex slave or want to be in a relationship where the only thing I bring to the table is sex. Of course I've been in my relationship longer (25 years) so we have probably had a lot more reasons for me being out of the mood. Like child birth, rearing, vaginal tearing, death of a close parent, very stressful job, only getting 4 hours sleep, and the list goes on.

And for your survey, while I do initiate now mostly I like him to initiate. It makes me feel womanly and makes me see him as a man. Him taking it like a man when I don't feel like it makes me want him more the next time I'm in the mood. Makes me do things to him men appreciate. Because I do love him and I do desire him sexually and I do want to please him. But it doesn't happen everytime at the same time he might want it to.
I can't imagine what would happen if men felt the same way about going to work.

"Nah, not feeling it this week honey."

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post #117 of 122 (permalink) Old 09-08-2019, 05:10 PM
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Re: Does she say no?

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I can't imagine what would happen if men felt the same way about going to work.

"Nah, not feeling it this week honey."
Is this supposed to imply women don't work? I work more hours than my husband. I often times don't feel like going to work,

Or is it supposed to imply that if a woman happens to be a SAHM who studies have shown work a hell of alot more than most 9-5 ers that they are then obligated to provide sex when ever the 'worker' wants it? That it is somehow now their job? Why wouldn't every sane person want to have sex when BOTH partners are ready for it and into it? Good sex leads to more good sex. Having someone think it is their right because they have a job would just lead to resentment.
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post #118 of 122 (permalink) Old 09-08-2019, 05:28 PM
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Re: Does she say no?

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Is this supposed to imply women don't work? I work more hours than my husband. I often times don't feel like going to work,

Or is it supposed to imply that if a woman happens to be a SAHM who studies have shown work a hell of alot more than most 9-5 ers that they are then obligated to provide sex when ever the 'worker' wants it? That it is somehow now their job? Why wouldn't every sane person want to have sex when BOTH partners are ready for it and into it? Good sex leads to more good sex. Having someone think it is their right because they have a job would just lead to resentment.
Not at all. It's meant to draw attention to the fact that both partners have needs. At times, women such as yourself disregard a man's need for sex because your "not a sex slave", while at the same time expecting him to fulfill your needs and expectations on a daily basis. Whether that be going to work, taking care of your kids, telling you he loves you, kissing you, or talking to you.

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post #119 of 122 (permalink) Old 09-08-2019, 05:35 PM
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Re: Does she say no?

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Not at all. It's meant to draw attention to the fact that both partners have needs. At times, women such as yourself disregard a man's need for sex because your "not a sex slave", while at the same time expecting him to fulfill your needs and expectations on a daily basis. Whether that be going to work, taking care of your kids, telling you he loves you, kissing you, or talking to you.
women like me ignoring my husbands needs. LOL. My husband is beyond wonderful. And does spend a lot of time fulfilling my needs. He's amazing. But you thing He fulfills all my needs all the time you are insane. AND I don't throw a ***** fit when he doesn't. We work as a team. I have sex with him anywhere from 5-10 times a week. I give him head. I stop him coming out of the shower and do a soap check just for fun. I stimulate him and ride him to his third orgasm in a day even though he's ok if it doesn't happen cause well he's 50 and as he says it was fun even without an orgasm. But hey there are days and times I'm not feeling it. GUESSS what there are days and times he's not feeling it and I also don't throw a ***** fit then either. I got turned down just last night. He wasn't up for number 4 ! It's called a relationship, for me a marriage. We love each other do the best for each other and above all ACCEPT each other as we are. It's how we've lasted 25 years without fight, stress or the other bull**** people come on here complaining about their SO's. Look at my post history. You'll see I started here years ago trying to find out about sex swings so I could have more sex without hurting his back. So yeah, there are many men that would hate being married to a selfish independent women LIKE ME. SHeesh
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post #120 of 122 (permalink) Old 09-08-2019, 05:45 PM
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Re: Does she say no?

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women like me ignoring my husbands needs. LOL. My husband is beyond wonderful. And does spend a lot of time fulfilling my needs. He's amazing. But you thing He fulfills all my needs all the time you are insane. AND I don't throw a ***** fit when he doesn't. We work as a team. I have sex with him anywhere from 5-10 times a week. I give him head. I stop him coming out of the shower and do a soap check just for fun. I stimulate him and ride him to his third orgasm in a day even though he's ok if it doesn't happen cause well he's 50 and as he says it was fun even without an orgasm. But hey there are days and times I'm not feeling it. GUESSS what there are days and times he's not feeling it and I also don't throw a ***** fit then either. I got turned down just last night. He wasn't up for number 4 ! It's called a relationship, for me a marriage. We love each other do the best for each other and above all ACCEPT each other as we are. It's how we've lasted 25 years without fight, stress or the other bull**** people come on here complaining about their SO's. Look at my post history. You'll see I started here years ago trying to find out about sex swings so I could have more sex without hurting his back. So yeah, there are many men that would hate being married to a selfish independent women LIKE ME. SHeesh
Ma'am, you're taking my post a lot harsher than intended. I'm not attacking you. I'm asserting that the rationale "I'm not his slave", is a weak argument for not meeting a husband's emotional needs as often as he'd like.

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