Issues with the girl I am dating - Seeking Advice - Talk About Marriage
The Men's Clubhouse Talk about life's dilemmas.

User Tag List

 208Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #1 of 75 (permalink) Old 06-02-2019, 12:30 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
plomito's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: NYC
Posts: 90
Issues with the girl I am dating - Seeking Advice

Hello People,

I been divorced for two years now, and recently I started to date this girl. She is pretty sweet and friendly, but I noticed recently she started to show her other side. When she gets upset she completely shut down, and make rude comments. Her attitude changes completely and is very hard to talk to her.

For example, the other day she wanted to go to a restaurant, but I was driving my children back to their mother's house. I explained to her my current situation, and she got upset. She told me I ignore her when she wants something, and how I don't care about her feelings. Dude !! I am driving wtf

We have gone out several times, and she is always expect me to cover the tab. I really don't mind, but after my divorce I was in bad shape financially, and I have worked very hard to bring this situation under control. So yes, once In a while I would love if at least she can split half with me, but nope she does not even offer. If I don't pay, we do not go out.

During the weekends I have asked her to meet with me and we can walk in the park, and spend some time together with my children, but she always say she is tired of does not feel ok and wants to stay home. I don't mind, but then she texts me every 20 minutes "I miss you darling" or "babe what you doing?". Honestly, if you miss me then why you are not here? I get it if she does not want to interact with my children, but the other day she commented about the type of people that goes to that park, and how she prefers parks in other areas. Hey, is all good with me, but again I am trying to build and spend some time with you, and if we do not go to the park where the nice wealthy people hang, then you do not want to go out.

what y'all think?
plomito is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #2 of 75 (permalink) Old 06-02-2019, 12:47 AM
Member
 
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 101
Re: Issues with the girl I am dating - Seeking Advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by plomito View Post
Hello People,

I been divorced for two years now, and recently I started to date this girl. She is pretty sweet and friendly, but I noticed recently she started to show her other side. When she gets upset she completely shut down, and make rude comments. Her attitude changes completely and is very hard to talk to her.

For example, the other day she wanted to go to a restaurant, but I was driving my children back to their mother's house. I explained to her my current situation, and she got upset. She told me I ignore her when she wants something, and how I don't care about her feelings. Dude !! I am driving wtf

We have gone out several times, and she is always expect me to cover the tab. I really don't mind, but after my divorce I was in bad shape financially, and I have worked very hard to bring this situation under control. So yes, once In a while I would love if at least she can split half with me, but nope she does not even offer. If I don't pay, we do not go out.

During the weekends I have asked her to meet with me and we can walk in the park, and spend some time together with my children, but she always say she is tired of does not feel ok and wants to stay home. I don't mind, but then she texts me every 20 minutes "I miss you darling" or "babe what you doing?". Honestly, if you miss me then why you are not here? I get it if she does not want to interact with my children, but the other day she commented about the type of people that goes to that park, and how she prefers parks in other areas. Hey, is all good with me, but again I am trying to build and spend some time with you, and if we do not go to the park where the nice wealthy people hang, then you do not want to go out.

what y'all think?
We all suck at fighting fair. Communication is so hard when we all come from different backgrounds which shapes how we react to things.

My husband used to completely shut down when we would argue until I learned how to talk to him/how he needs to be talked to in order to create a conducive environment for moving past our fight. Have you tried acknowledging that she is mad and asking why she is upset? She sounds like someone who is so used to not being "heard" that she just bottles it up. My husband used to do the same rude comments as well. This suggestion is really hard and may not be appropriate for your relationship, but ive had success saying things like "I love you and just want to understand how you feel and why" or suggesting to table the conversation for 5 minutes so we can collect our thoughts.

Your example about her being upset about not being available the second she wanted to go out to each seems really immature or like she cannot understand that you do have other commitments aside from her. Have you thought about trying to bring up that argument to ask how she would have wanted you to respond in a perfect world? Maybe that will give you some insight and allow the two of you to discuss some important topics and set realistic expectations. The financial stuff would be smart to bring up as well. Many women expect the dates to be paid for by the man, but if this is a serious thing then you should be open with her about finances. If she is a reasonable person she should understand you do not have endless funds and would either want to go out less or offer to help.

Lastly, the dog part thing would be confusing to me too. And its hilarious because my husband (back when we were dating) would do the same thing! Text me saying he misses me, but would choose to be at his place. Weird. I don't get it, but some people really enjoy their space but still miss you. I don't think I will ever understand that but apparently its a thing. Why not tell her you are just trying to figure out ways to spend time with her and ask what she likes?

I am leaning towards thinking she is very immature...
moulinyx is offline  
post #3 of 75 (permalink) Old 06-02-2019, 01:04 AM
Member
 
Marc878's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Southeast
Posts: 6,376
Re: Issues with the girl I am dating - Seeking Advice

Red flags. Dating is a tryout dump them fast if it doesn't look good upfront.

Do not introduce your kids. It's way to early!!!!!!
Marc878 is online now  
post #4 of 75 (permalink) Old 06-02-2019, 01:41 AM
Member
 
Mr.Married's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2018
Location: Texas !!!!!!!!!!
Posts: 1,764
Re: Issues with the girl I am dating - Seeking Advice

Dump and run ....
Mr.Married is offline  
post #5 of 75 (permalink) Old 06-02-2019, 03:06 AM
Member
 
frusdil's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 2,671
Re: Issues with the girl I am dating - Seeking Advice

She sounds very high maintenance...gonna be a LOT of work.
frusdil is offline  
post #6 of 75 (permalink) Old 06-02-2019, 07:08 AM
Member
 
In Absentia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: UK
Posts: 2,394
Re: Issues with the girl I am dating - Seeking Advice

she sounds completely bonkers to me...
In Absentia is offline  
post #7 of 75 (permalink) Old 06-02-2019, 07:17 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 2,015
She sounds insecure and controlling. If the relationship is such a hassle this soon it will only get worse. Time to move along.
Cooper is offline  
post #8 of 75 (permalink) Old 06-02-2019, 08:28 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
plomito's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: NYC
Posts: 90
Re: Issues with the girl I am dating - Seeking Advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marc878 View Post
Red flags. Dating is a tryout dump them fast if it doesn't look good upfront.



Do not introduce your kids. It's way to early!!!!!!


Oh no, once she declined the second time, i took it as a sign and since then i do not extend any invite when my children are around.




Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
plomito is offline  
post #9 of 75 (permalink) Old 06-02-2019, 08:31 AM
Member
 
MJJEAN's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2015
Location: MI
Posts: 4,190
Re: Issues with the girl I am dating - Seeking Advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by plomito View Post
When she gets upset she completely shut down, and make rude comments. Her attitude changes completely and is very hard to talk to her.

For example, the other day she wanted to go to a restaurant, but I was driving my children back to their mother's house. I explained to her my current situation, and she got upset. She told me I ignore her when she wants something, and how I don't care about her feelings. Dude !! I am driving wtf

We have gone out several times, and she is always expect me to cover the tab. I really don't mind, but after my divorce I was in bad shape financially, and I have worked very hard to bring this situation under control. So yes, once In a while I would love if at least she can split half with me, but nope she does not even offer. If I don't pay, we do not go out.

I get it if she does not want to interact with my children,

what y'all think?
If you're asking for completely unvarnished thoughts, mine are along the lines of "She's a spoiled <insert c word here> and you make yourself look desperate, weak, and pathetic by continuing to date her."

Follow the evidence where it leads and question everything.

Last edited by MJJEAN; 06-02-2019 at 09:58 AM.
MJJEAN is offline  
post #10 of 75 (permalink) Old 06-02-2019, 08:36 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
plomito's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: NYC
Posts: 90
Re: Issues with the girl I am dating - Seeking Advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by moulinyx View Post
We all suck at fighting fair. Communication is so hard when we all come from different backgrounds which shapes how we react to things.



My husband used to completely shut down when we would argue until I learned how to talk to him/how he needs to be talked to in order to create a conducive environment for moving past our fight. Have you tried acknowledging that she is mad and asking why she is upset? She sounds like someone who is so used to not being "heard" that she just bottles it up. My husband used to do the same rude comments as well. This suggestion is really hard and may not be appropriate for your relationship, but ive had success saying things like "I love you and just want to understand how you feel and why" or suggesting to table the conversation for 5 minutes so we can collect our thoughts.



Your example about her being upset about not being available the second she wanted to go out to each seems really immature or like she cannot understand that you do have other commitments aside from her. Have you thought about trying to bring up that argument to ask how she would have wanted you to respond in a perfect world? Maybe that will give you some insight and allow the two of you to discuss some important topics and set realistic expectations. The financial stuff would be smart to bring up as well. Many women expect the dates to be paid for by the man, but if this is a serious thing then you should be open with her about finances. If she is a reasonable person she should understand you do not have endless funds and would either want to go out less or offer to help.



Lastly, the dog part thing would be confusing to me too. And its hilarious because my husband (back when we were dating) would do the same thing! Text me saying he misses me, but would choose to be at his place. Weird. I don't get it, but some people really enjoy their space but still miss you. I don't think I will ever understand that but apparently its a thing. Why not tell her you are just trying to figure out ways to spend time with her and ask what she likes?



I am leaning towards thinking she is very immature...

I tried one time to discuss her temper when she is upset. Her response was oh well this is how i am at that point I didnt say anything else because it was obvious that the conversation was not going to end up anywhere.




Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
plomito is offline  
post #11 of 75 (permalink) Old 06-02-2019, 08:45 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
plomito's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: NYC
Posts: 90
Re: Issues with the girl I am dating - Seeking Advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by MJJEAN View Post
If you're asking for completely unvarnished thoughts, mine are along the lines of "She's a spoiled <insert c word here> and you make yourself look desperate, weak, and pathetic by continuing to date her."


Ouch .




Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
plomito is offline  
post #12 of 75 (permalink) Old 06-02-2019, 08:57 AM
Member
 
Blondilocks's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: SoCal
Posts: 7,215
Re: Issues with the girl I am dating - Seeking Advice

Next.

I could give up chocolate but I'm not a quitter.
Blondilocks is offline  
post #13 of 75 (permalink) Old 06-02-2019, 09:00 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 999
Re: Issues with the girl I am dating - Seeking Advice

1) You do mind. About all the things you mentioned.

2) This early in the dating process she is on her best behavior. Whatever you see now is the tip of the iceberg. Imagine how these things will amplify as she becomes more secure in the relationship.

If you're looking for a long time relationship, dating is a vetting process. I'd cut the line now before you have much invested.
zookeeper is offline  
post #14 of 75 (permalink) Old 06-02-2019, 09:07 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
plomito's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: NYC
Posts: 90
Re: Issues with the girl I am dating - Seeking Advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by zookeeper View Post
1) You do mind. About all the things you mentioned.



2) This early in the dating process she is on her best behavior. Whatever you see now is the tip of the iceberg. Imagine how these things will amplify as she becomes more secure in the relationship.



If you're looking for a long time relationship, dating is a vetting process. I'd cut the line now before you have much invested.


True, and i honestly dont like how her attitude changes when she is upset. Is like dealing with a person who does not listen and does not care about what you have to say or your feelings.
plomito is offline  
post #15 of 75 (permalink) Old 06-02-2019, 09:24 AM
Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 999
Re: Issues with the girl I am dating - Seeking Advice

Quote:
Originally Posted by plomito View Post
True, and i honestly don’t like how her attitude changes when she is upset. Is like dealing with a person who does not listen and does not care about what you have to say or your feelings.
If you don't end it now (as I believe you should) you have to stop with the "I don't mind, it's OK" BS. Set your boundaries now. My money is on you seeing a decidedly uglier side of her. Maybe then you will begin to know the true person.
zookeeper is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in










Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome