Why I did it with him and not you - Page 5 - Talk About Marriage
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post #61 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-25-2019, 10:10 AM
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Re: Why I did it with him and not you

.....

Edited: I was being too much of a smart a$$ and unhelpful

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post #62 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-25-2019, 10:44 AM
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Re: Why I did it with him and not you

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Originally Posted by Casual Observer View Post
There's a Star Trek line that might be appropriate here.

What you want is irrelevant. What you have chosen is at hand.

When we marry, if you can't compromise and, especially in sex, offer your partner something that they are looking for, you're not going to have a healthy sex life. And vice versa, of course. In your case, your husband may be looking for cues that would allow him to be the sexual person he might actually want to be. You may be making assumptions about his adventurousness (or lack thereof) that stem from you being relatively emotionless (I say "relatively" not completely) during sex.

You actually have an opportunity here. You can work on something that you shared with no other man before. That's could be a big thing for you maybe? And then it becomes... why you did this with your husband and not any of the guys before. Turn this thread upside-down.
I like your logic!
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post #63 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-25-2019, 11:28 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Why I did it with him and not you

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Originally Posted by JustTheWife View Post
I'm a Star Trek nerd so how appropriate! This response is not just for this post but for others too.



This is complicated and very hard to explain accurately. I'm afraid everyone is just interpreting this as that I am emotionless (even though you say relatively and not completely). It's not just a spectrum of no emotion and lots of emotion. I have A LOT of emotion when I have sex (with my husband now and other partners before him). All kinds of emotions. I'm quiet and introverted so I focus on perceiving and feeling more than many other people. I notice things and feel things that others may not. Some people just constantly radiate their thoughts, emotions, feelings, etc outward but they don't receive. I "receive" acutely and things impact me more than other people. With extroverts, sometimes their constantly radiating outward channel is at the expense of the inward channel (perceiving, processing, feeling, etc). I'm a very sensitive person. So having sexual intercourse is a huge thing for me, even when i was promiscuous. I'm not like some emotionally numb person!



I have a different way of showing emotion and feelings. I'm quiet. I'm subtle. Most guys that i've had casual sex with and boyfriends were incapable of perceiving my feelings or emotions or what was going on in my head. That's OK. I don't want them analyzing me anyway. To use a simplistic and dumb example, I'm not going to be shouting "I'm cumming". Sorry that's just not me. I'm going to clench my fingers tightly around whatever is closest and close my eyes and go into my private world of my own. You can say that there is nothing better than "sharing" your orgasm but what if I don't want to? Again, that's just a dumb example to make the point that I don't care to be "expressive" like that.



Sex is very "invasive" especially for me as a sensitive woman. You are sharing (or giving away) a lot of yourself. I was usually open to do whatever physically but being expressive with it all and opening up emotionally or talking about it, or describing what I like and want, etc is not what I want to do. I want to protect that and keep it to myself To those who say that I should be opening up and being expressive, I'd ask why I can't just share what i want and keep what i want to myself? If I was saying that I didn't want to do something physical like sucking on it or whatever, everyone would be in total agreement that I just shouldn't do it if I didn't want to open up to that physical act. Nobody probably would be trying to convince me that it would be better if I did it. We've grown to recognize that physical boundaries should be respected 100% but what about emotional boundaries or boundaries around different non-physical (emotional, etc) aspects of sex you want to open up to or share?


Everyone is different. And if you and yours husband are happy with each other thatís all that really matters.

I like that you compare physical and emotional boundaries. I think that we need to have our hard line boundaries... whether it not be doing something physical or emotional. But I also think that itís important to open yourself up to your spouse and try new and different things (as long as they are not a boundary).

Just speaking for myself, and my personal issues and blah blah, I need to connect emotionally and personally in the bedroom. Actually let me change that... I need to FEEL a connection from my partner during sex. And this is very different. I am sensitive and emotional and I couldnít have sex without feeling like I was connecting, but for some reason (deep seated issues), I NEED certain things from my partner to make me feel like he is connecting, and not just having sex with a body but having sex with ME if that makes sense.

I totally understand where your coming from. But if I put myself in your husbands place I would have a problem with it. Good thing Iím not your husband, and I know it doesnít matter the point Iím making. Iím just speaking to you from a different perspective.
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post #64 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-25-2019, 11:34 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Why I did it with him and not you

My ex boyfriend Tom (third guy) was not emotional. And he told me he was taught not to show emotion, and it was just really hard for him to express his feelings.
That was really hard for me because I need to FEEL loved, and I need to feel a connection with him and I honestly donít know how people do that without sharing feelings and emotions.
And that lack of emotion translated in the bedroom. I donít always need to have wild sex, but I just need some emotion al connection from him. And to me, that can be stepping back, and really looking at the person and enjoying them.
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post #65 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-25-2019, 11:35 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Why I did it with him and not you

And with mark, he was very good at showing his feelings and emotions and that translated to the bedroom.
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post #66 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-25-2019, 02:19 PM
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Re: Why I did it with him and not you

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Originally Posted by Girl_power View Post
My ex boyfriend Tom (third guy) was not emotional. And he told me he was taught not to show emotion, and it was just really hard for him to express his feelings.
That was really hard for me because I need to FEEL loved, and I need to feel a connection with him and I honestly donít know how people do that without sharing feelings and emotions.
And that lack of emotion translated in the bedroom. I donít always need to have wild sex, but I just need some emotion al connection from him. And to me, that can be stepping back, and really looking at the person and enjoying them.
I think what you're describing is much tougher to understand than most realize. The connection we need (you and I and maybe @JustTheWife 's husband) pretty much requires some outward, perhaps you could say extroverted, feedback. Just as some of us have partners who would get turned off by dirty talk during sex, and so even if that's your thing you still find a way to adapt and enjoy sex with that person, there are many (I suspect a great many) of "us" that would absolutely die for the type of connection during sex where our partner is openly expressing his or her thoughts, a variation of the "I'm cumming!" that someone mentioned.

The curled toes, the digging fingers into your back, that's something some of us will connect with, but not all. Consider it almost as the "Words of affirmation" in the 5 Love Languages. Maybe that's precisely it? We need verbal feedback, and the type of verbal feedback needed during sex would definitely play to the extrovert.

If, in everything else aside from sex, we see credibility to the 5 Love Languages, why do we stop at sex, the most intimate shared moment of all?
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post #67 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-25-2019, 05:03 PM
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Re: Why I did it with him and not you

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Originally Posted by Girl_power View Post
Everyone is different. And if you and yours husband are happy with each other thatís all that really matters.

I like that you compare physical and emotional boundaries. I think that we need to have our hard line boundaries... whether it not be doing something physical or emotional. But I also think that itís important to open yourself up to your spouse and try new and different things (as long as they are not a boundary).

Just speaking for myself, and my personal issues and blah blah, I need to connect emotionally and personally in the bedroom. Actually let me change that... I need to FEEL a connection from my partner during sex. And this is very different. I am sensitive and emotional and I couldnít have sex without feeling like I was connecting, but for some reason (deep seated issues), I NEED certain things from my partner to make me feel like he is connecting, and not just having sex with a body but having sex with ME if that makes sense.

I totally understand where your coming from. But if I put myself in your husbands place I would have a problem with it. Good thing Iím not your husband, and I know it doesnít matter the point Iím making. Iím just speaking to you from a different perspective.
If you're looking at this from my husband's or my past partners' perspectives, you should recognize that people need and want different levels of emotional connection AND different things make people connect emotionally with other people. It's a mistake to think that because I'm quiet and I don't blab blab blab about my wants, desires, needs, likes, dislikes, etc that nobody can connect emotionally with me. I'm sorry I don't mean that like it probably sounds but I feel like I'm being misunderstood as emotionless and clammed up. Or like a "starfish" to borrow from another thread.

I see nothing wrong with someone who is very expressive when they have sex with someone. I'm just not that person. It takes me a while to open up emotionally and I'll never be blab blab blab about my wants and needs sexually. I don't even want that and I'm not going to force myself to be like that. You say that you're happy that I have boundaries but already you judge that you would have a problem with someone like me. If someone wants to connect emotionally with me then there's no reason they can't. Do you have any friends that are introverts? Some say that we make the very best friends because behind our quiet facades, there can be a lot of strong emotional intimacy and connection that you may not get from people who are much more expressive generally.
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post #68 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-25-2019, 05:11 PM
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Re: Why I did it with him and not you

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Originally Posted by JustTheWife View Post
If you're looking at this from my husband's or my past partners' perspectives, you should recognize that people need and want different levels of emotional connection AND different things make people connect emotionally with other people. It's a mistake to think that because I'm quiet and I don't blab blab blab about my wants, desires, needs, likes, dislikes, etc that nobody can connect emotionally with me. I'm sorry I don't mean that like it probably sounds but I feel like I'm being misunderstood as emotionless and clammed up. Or like a "starfish" to borrow from another thread.

I see nothing wrong with someone who is very expressive when they have sex with someone. I'm just not that person. It takes me a while to open up emotionally and I'll never be blab blab blab about my wants and needs sexually. I don't even want that and I'm not going to force myself to be like that. You say that you're happy that I have boundaries but already you judge that you would have a problem with someone like me. If someone wants to connect emotionally with me then there's no reason they can't. Do you have any friends that are introverts? Some say that we make the very best friends because behind our quiet facades, there can be a lot of strong emotional intimacy and connection that you may not get from people who are much more expressive generally.
To be fair, you should be taking me to task as well...

I'd be interested in why you think the 5 Love Languages don't apply to sex? Or maybe it's the case you feel they do apply and you are offering your husband what he needs sexually?
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post #69 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-25-2019, 05:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Why I did it with him and not you

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Originally Posted by JustTheWife View Post
If you're looking at this from my husband's or my past partners' perspectives, you should recognize that people need and want different levels of emotional connection AND different things make people connect emotionally with other people. It's a mistake to think that because I'm quiet and I don't blab blab blab about my wants, desires, needs, likes, dislikes, etc that nobody can connect emotionally with me. I'm sorry I don't mean that like it probably sounds but I feel like I'm being misunderstood as emotionless and clammed up. Or like a "starfish" to borrow from another thread.



I see nothing wrong with someone who is very expressive when they have sex with someone. I'm just not that person. It takes me a while to open up emotionally and I'll never be blab blab blab about my wants and needs sexually. I don't even want that and I'm not going to force myself to be like that. You say that you're happy that I have boundaries but already you judge that you would have a problem with someone like me. If someone wants to connect emotionally with me then there's no reason they can't. Do you have any friends that are introverts? Some say that we make the very best friends because behind our quiet facades, there can be a lot of strong emotional intimacy and connection that you may not get from people who are much more expressive generally.


I didnít mean to offend you. And I was not trying to speak for your husbands perspective. I was saying If I, key word is I, were your husband. I am not attacking you. I was just offering a different perspective to you. I love hearing other peopleís perspective about me so I didnít mean to upset you. I come on here to hear other peopleís perspectives. Yes I know you didnít ask for mine, so Iím sorry I gave it.

And I am not an extrovert. I am on the spectrum and I have a hard time reading social cues and I am not comfortable in social situations. Everyone is different.
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post #70 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-25-2019, 06:23 PM
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Re: Why I did it with him and not you

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I didnít mean to offend you. And I was not trying to speak for your husbands perspective. I was saying If I, key word is I, were your husband. I am not attacking you. I was just offering a different perspective to you. I love hearing other peopleís perspective about me so I didnít mean to upset you. I come on here to hear other peopleís perspectives. Yes I know you didnít ask for mine, so Iím sorry I gave it.

And I am not an extrovert. I am on the spectrum and I have a hard time reading social cues and I am not comfortable in social situations. Everyone is different.
No offense at all so don't worry. This is a discussion. Nothing personal.

i was a "cool girl". It was pretty easy to open me up physically. My point is simply that if someone came here trying to say what women should be doing physically to please men then everyone would (rightly) have issues with that. Some women are uncomfortable opening up physically. They don't want to give blowjobs or do different positions, etc. And we (rightly) say that they should only do what makes them happy. Nobody (rightly) acts like there is something wrong with them that they should correct to be a better partner.

Yet I come here and express that I'm not totally comfortable with certain emotionally related things like announcing when I'm cumming, always talking about what I want, what I need, what makes me cum, etc and everyone reacts like I have a problem that I need to work on. How is wanting to enjoy my orgasm more privately any different from any other things that a woman might want to do or not do. You mentioned that you were so repulsed by fingering your butt. I've done that for guys when they wanted me to do it and it was no big deal for me. But I'm certainly not going to act like there is something wrong with you for not wanting to do that and not agreeing to do that. Or that you should work on being open to that so that you can please him better!

Again, no offense taken at all. Just wondering why it's so different? Why are we so sensitive to physical boundaries but emotional boundaries are like defects that need to be overcome or fixed?
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post #71 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-25-2019, 06:34 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Why I did it with him and not you

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Originally Posted by JustTheWife View Post
No offense at all so don't worry. This is a discussion. Nothing personal.



i was a "cool girl". It was pretty easy to open me up physically. My point is simply that if someone came here trying to say what women should be doing physically to please men then everyone would (rightly) have issues with that. Some women are uncomfortable opening up physically. They don't want to give blowjobs or do different positions, etc. And we (rightly) say that they should only do what makes them happy. Nobody (rightly) acts like there is something wrong with them that they should correct to be a better partner.



Yet I come here and express that I'm not totally comfortable with certain emotionally related things like announcing when I'm cumming, always talking about what I want, what I need, what makes me cum, etc and everyone reacts like I have a problem that I need to work on. How is wanting to enjoy my orgasm more privately any different from any other things that a woman might want to do or not do. You mentioned that you were so repulsed by fingering your butt. I've done that for guys when they wanted me to do it and it was no big deal for me. But I'm certainly not going to act like there is something wrong with you for not wanting to do that and not agreeing to do that. Or that you should work on being open to that so that you can please him better!



Again, no offense taken at all. Just wondering why it's so different? Why are we so sensitive to physical boundaries but emotional boundaries are like defects that need to be overcome or fixed?


Nobody said anything was wrong with you. Not one person.
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post #72 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-25-2019, 10:21 PM
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Re: Why I did it with him and not you

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Originally Posted by MJJEAN View Post
I didn't say wasn't attracted, I said more attracted. Distinct difference. For me, at least, sexual attraction isn't a simple yes-no. There are levels of attraction from neutral to highly attracted and everything in between. With men I am highly attracted to I will naturally be more into the sex and will desire all the naughty things. With someone I am, say, moderately attracted to I am naturally going to be less fired up and be less interested in going beyond vanilla.
Very honest.

Interestingly, several months back there was a thread where this line of thinking was denied (by a woman). A female poster was saying that things would be "off the table" with one guy that she was totally into with another and potentially would want to do again in the future, but claimed that had nothing to do with how attracted to she was to the guy. I still don't think her statements made sense. Your posting here makes more sense to me.

Last edited by Wolfman1968; 12-25-2019 at 10:29 PM.
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post #73 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-25-2019, 10:26 PM
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Re: Why I did it with him and not you

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and I just lost my Christmas appetite. Ugh, just ugh.

That's Anna Nicole Smith, I think, and she said they were in love.

It had nothing to do with the fact that she was a 20 year old stripper with limited prospects, and he was a 90 year old billionaire. They were in love.

Would you doubt her?
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post #74 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-25-2019, 11:10 PM
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Re: Why I did it with him and not you

I'm like you @Girl_power, I've always had a high drive and I absolutely LOVE sex. On about our third date, my now husband and I were talking about his marriage and he was saying that their sex life was down to about once a month, and that by that stage he had absolutely no sexual attraction to her at all. I point blank was like "Yeah, no, that's nowhere near enough for me" bahahahaha. ETA - just for clarification, my post reads like he was married and having an affair with me when we met, that is NOT the case...he was legally separated, and she was living with another man when I met my husband. We were talking about the last couple of years of his marriage.

He says he loves how passionate I am, that I throw myself into it all with great gusto lol. I sometimes want to make love, I want to be submissive and he take charge sometimes and others I want to run the show. We work so well together I think because we both live to please the other, we're both very generous, giving lovers. I don't think he ever experienced that with his first wife, it was always mechanical, and almost duty like. She and I are polar opposites.

I don't think I could be with someone who didn't put in as much effort as I, you can't carry a relationship on your own after all.

Last edited by frusdil; 12-25-2019 at 11:12 PM. Reason: Clarifying he was legally separated when we met, not living with his wife.
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post #75 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-26-2019, 12:36 AM
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Re: Why I did it with him and not you

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Originally Posted by Casual Observer View Post
There's a Star Trek line that might be appropriate here.

What you want is irrelevant. What you have chosen is at hand.
I've always loved that quote, and you've nailed the context here.
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