Why I did it with him and not you - Page 7 - Talk About Marriage
The Men's Clubhouse Talk about life's dilemmas.

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post #91 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-27-2019, 11:53 AM
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Re: Why I did it with him and not you

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Originally Posted by Yeswecan View Post
In your opinion is this a good or bad thing?
See, this is where things get kind of blurry. I only have my own personal perspective, so can only speak for myself, not generally. Personally, the marriage comes first, and I think that is a good thing, and I live in a society that supports that. However, I also realize that I am in a global and historical minority.

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post #92 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-27-2019, 02:34 PM
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Re: Why I did it with him and not you

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It's a mistake to think that because I'm quiet and I don't blab blab blab about my wants, desires, needs, likes, dislikes, etc that nobody can connect emotionally with me.
So how would you emotionally connect with your partner during sex?

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Yet I come here and express that I'm not totally comfortable with certain emotionally related things like announcing when I'm cumming, always talking about what I want, what I need, what makes me cum, etc
To me, those are not at all the way a person would emotionally connect during sex. It would be more likely to be eye contact, or saying the person's name. Not talking about the mechanics of sex.
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post #93 of 135 (permalink) Old 12-27-2019, 02:40 PM
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Re: Why I did it with him and not you

I agree with all the answers about connecting.

Besides eye contact and saying your partners name, as having sex several times a week that is limiting;

What are other ways?

Just out to always be broadening my horizons, seeing how others do things sometimes opens a new line of thought for me.
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post #94 of 135 (permalink) Old 01-01-2020, 10:31 AM
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Re: Why I did it with him and not you

Why I did with him and not you...

1. Youíre a beta male and doesnít solicit that kind of response
2. Itís a shameful part of her life and doesnít want to relive it
3. Sheís a mom now and thatís just gross
4. She was having audition sex
5. She was having her fun and how that part of life is over


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post #95 of 135 (permalink) Old 01-03-2020, 08:15 PM
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Re: Why I did it with him and not you

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I agree with all the answers about connecting.

Besides eye contact and saying your partners name, as having sex several times a week that is limiting;

What are other ways?

Just out to always be broadening my horizons, seeing how others do things sometimes opens a new line of thought for me.
I would like to hear about other ways as well.

I donít talk at all during sex, Iím to focused on the physical sensations but I do like to emotionally connect by physical touch with things like touching my partners face, rubbing the tips of our noses gently during eye contact and breathing in each others air. Things have to be moving at a slow pace for these things.
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post #96 of 135 (permalink) Old 01-03-2020, 08:17 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Why I did it with him and not you

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I would like to hear about other ways as well.



I donít talk at all during sex, Iím to focused on the physical sensations but I do like to emotionally connect by physical touch with things like touching my partners face, rubbing the tips of our noses gently during eye contact and breathing in each others air. Things have to be moving at a slow pace for these things.


Make a new thread on it! It would be a good topic!
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post #97 of 135 (permalink) Old 01-03-2020, 08:23 PM
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Re: Why I did it with him and not you

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Make a new thread on it! It would be a good topic!
Did I thread jack? If so sorry! I thought the conversation had morphed into connecting, sorry Girl_power.
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post #98 of 135 (permalink) Old 01-03-2020, 08:50 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Why I did it with him and not you

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Did I thread jack? If so sorry! I thought the conversation had morphed into connecting, sorry Girl_power.


No you didnít thread jack. I just thought you would get more feedback from others if you started a new thread.
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post #99 of 135 (permalink) Old 01-03-2020, 09:01 PM
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Your first two were my first BF. I married a Tom. I love Tom to death we’ve been together for 12 years. Tom’s low drive + has a trampling, foot, giantism(sp?) fetish. Tom needs intense fantasy play to let go and in exchange Tom will fully indulge in my body 😉 His drive has drove me off the deep end and back with self doubt and I’m still learning that I’m not the issue he is just specific in what he likes and in turn I can be too. Perhaps your Tom needed that outfit and matching bra and underwear set. Fun topic.
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post #100 of 135 (permalink) Old 01-07-2020, 04:54 PM
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Originally Posted by aaarghdub View Post
Why I did with him and not you...

1. You’re a beta male and doesn’t solicit that kind of response
2. It’s a shameful part of her life and doesn’t want to relive it
3. She’s a mom now and that’s just gross
4. She was having audition sex
5. She was having her fun and how that part of life is over


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So the dependable, long-term beta guy gets the cold-fish sex, and the jersey-shore one night stand meathead gets the good stuff.

A perfect marriage is just two imperfect people who refuse to give up on each other.
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post #101 of 135 (permalink) Old 01-07-2020, 06:59 PM
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Re: Why I did it with him and not you

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Originally Posted by MAJDEATH View Post
So the dependable, long-term beta guy gets the cold-fish sex, and the jersey-shore one night stand meathead gets the good stuff.
Sounds like it....
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post #102 of 135 (permalink) Old 01-07-2020, 10:52 PM
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Re: Why I did it with him and not you

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Originally Posted by aaarghdub View Post
Why I did with him and not you...

1. Youíre a beta male and doesnít solicit that kind of response
2. Itís a shameful part of her life and doesnít want to relive it
3. Sheís a mom now and thatís just gross
4. She was having audition sex
5. She was having her fun and how that part of life is over


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Itís funny, you know.

I read stuff like this, and Iím kinda left wondering. I mean, plenty of women have said no to me about plenty of things, current wife included.

However, Iíve almost unilaterally found that if you drop it and move on to the next best thing, you often get that. And then, eventually what you wanted in the first place, too.

And often, itís a timing thing. I mean, ask a woman for some crazy thing over tea and sheíll often tell you no. Ask her that same thing when youíve driven her mental for a half hour or an hour in bed, and sheís crazy turned on... and you almost always get a yes.

Only exception was my ex wife. Who was cheating on me. Go figure.
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post #103 of 135 (permalink) Old 01-08-2020, 12:27 AM
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Re: Why I did it with him and not you

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So the dependable, long-term beta guy gets the cold-fish sex, and the jersey-shore one night stand meathead gets the good stuff.
You know what's funny? That's not the way I read @Girl_power 's post at all. It seems to me that she views her own self as a bit of a sex freak (in the good way), and that she did things with BF1 and BF2 that were sexually edgy because THEY were sexually edgy. And she liked that because SHE is sexually edgy. For her, BF3 was a lovely human being and all, but he was more restricted in his sexual expression, and thus, it didn't seems as exciting to her. Hey, as I understand it...to each his/her own! She likes a sexy freak!

The thing that really struck me about this thread the most, though, is that for me...it's almost 100% the opposite. I think of myself as pretty sexually open-minded but not "freaky" really. I tend to love the person first, and then because I love them, I can "get into it" sexually. Thus for me, I think I would have felt like BF1 and BF2 were just in it for the sex and not in it for "me." I mean, when I am committed to someone, I think we could do almost anything we wanted (with the exception of pain), and I'd be game for it. But I get to the state of mind to really feel safe and expressive when there's commitment--before that, for me, it feels like too much of just "technique" rather than loving expression. Make sense?

In my lifetime, I've loved men and women. I eventually chose to pick male partners, but with every single person, I've loved them first...then gotten sexual. And with the people who turned out to be my best lovers, we start less freaky and gradually add this here...that there...and just expanded our sexual vocabulary together. It was more like exploring together, than one of us having a desire to go look at someplace that the other hadn't been. In addition, I am on the more responsive/passive side and love a person who initiates and leads, but I'm not a fish. It's just more like "let me learn what you find enjoyable, let me show you what I enjoy, and let's go these new places together and decide if we like them."

I'm not saying my partners were beta--shoot have ya MET @Emerging Buddhist ? But the guys who really heat me up are the quiet, nerdy, dependable types. They are usually smart, witty, imaginative, fun, playful, wonderful people AND steady like a foundation on which you can build trust and safety. To me, once that foundation is laid, THEN the sexcapades appear.


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My definition of infidelity is not "How far can I go before I cross the line?" My definition of infidelity is "giving anything less than 100% of your affection, loyalty, and companionship to your spouse."
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post #104 of 135 (permalink) Old 01-08-2020, 06:49 PM
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Originally Posted by aaarghdub View Post
Why I did with him and not you...

1. You’re a beta male and doesn’t solicit that kind of response
2. It’s a shameful part of her life and doesn’t want to relive it
3. She’s a mom now and that’s just gross
4. She was having audition sex
5. She was having her fun and how that part of life is over


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So the dependable, long-term beta guy gets the cold-fish sex, and the jersey-shore one night stand meathead gets the good stuff.
Pretty much has always been this way
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post #105 of 135 (permalink) Old 01-08-2020, 07:13 PM
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Re: Why I did it with him and not you

I think there are two points to be made to something like this. Some women use sex transactionally as a kind of a barter system which is very common in hook up culture (men too in different ways) . If you marry someone like that then your sex life is probably going to struggle because that is a very unhealthy way of thinking about sex.

The other and what OP's post seems to be about is and especially what men need to wrap there head around is that desire for women isn't love based, maybe it is in the beginning but not after long periods of marriage. For some reason (probably movies and such) men grow up believing it is. I mean look at the shows we grew up watching does anyone believe in real life Elizabeth Montgomery would be married to a shlub like Darren Stephens?

I mean when you think about it is our (meaning men) desire love based? What makes you want to go bang your wife's brains out, how good she cooked dinner that night, or the thong she is wearing? Why would it be any different for women? Now I do think women are more complicated and desire for them isn't so tied into the visual, but in my mind that actually is of some benefit.

That is the point, if you want to get your wife to treat you like the Jersey Shore guy learn what makes her tick and be the Jersey Shore guy for her.

Now the key to all that is you didn't marry a women who thinks like my first paragraph (transactionally). But one who is open to communicate and you can learn what makes her hot and bothered. But YES you are going to have to work at it. Everyone does. Marriage even good sex takes work.

As I say over and over on here, your sex life doesn't have to be static.

Last edited by sokillme; 01-09-2020 at 10:08 AM.
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