Talk About Marriage banner

Why I did it with him and not you

27K views 168 replies 50 participants last post by  leftfield 
#1 ·
Just sharing my limited experience and point of view hoping it will help some men.

I am HD, I consider myself a “disgusting pervert” but I am not very kinky. I have had 3 sexual partners.

The first was my exH. And he was a “disgusting pervert” like me. He made me feel like he was obsessed with me. He would kiss my feet, and loved going down on me and licking my butt. I can tell he loved it, not necessarily because I liked it and that’s an important point. If I texted him I’m horny he would be like wait for me!! And rush home. We had phone sex when we were apart. I felt sexually very comfortable with him.

My next partner was after the divorce and I was more self conscious. Let’s call him mark. Mark was also a disgusting pervert like me. He loved sex, and anal, and oral, and he had a fetish for cream pies. He made me feel very sexually comfortable, like I didn’t have to be perfect and he still made me feel like I was a supermodel/porn star. We would Snapchat and masterbate together when we were apart. He loved a straight view of my vagina, and me masterbating. I don’t think most men like to see the vagina that up close, they would rather see the whole picture or boobs or whatever. He also wanted me to do things I didn’t want to do like finger my ass, but the fact that he wanted me to do that was a turn on for me.

My last partner was not a disgusting pervert, he was normal and like normal sex and watched normal porn. Let’s call him Tom. Tom and I got along great outside of the bedroom. Sex was good, he lasted a long time and usually always made me orgasm. But he was missing that oomph. He told me he liked going down on me, but I could tell he didn’t. I can tell by the way he did it, how often he did it etc. I can tell that he did it because he knew I liked it and not because he loved it. He did not make me feel sexually comfortable because I felt like I was a bigger “freak” then him, but also I can tell he wasn’t obsessed with my body like my other partners were. He made me feel like I had to look my best all the time. One time while we were in bed he drew my attention to my inner thigh because I guess I forgot to shave there or something. It pissed me off. He liked me to wear nice underwear, preferably matching (which I never did). He made me feel like I had to dress up for him in order for him to want to have sex with me. I was not sexually open to him or comfortable with him. Even though he would SAY he wanted me to be, and he would SAY all the right things.

My point is that, it was day and night between my first 2 partners and my third. And Tom and j had good sex, and occasionally anal sex, but we never had great sex. He was inhibited, and self conscious and too in his head, and he did things bc he wanted me to enjoy them but I can tell he didn’t really enjoy them. While the others just enjoyed themselves If that makes sense.


I don’t know if this was helpful or not haha.
 
See less See more
#2 ·
Thank you for sharing this.

EDIT: After posting, I worried that the short response would be interpreted as sarcasm, so to clarify, I genuinely appreciate you taking the time to write this.

This is a perennial and inevitable topic on any relationship-centered forum (and some non-relationship forums) so any data points society can get about this are much appreciated, at least by me.
 
#3 · (Edited)
This is a good post but what is interesting to me about this post is how passive you are in all of it. It's all up to the guy to make YOU feel that way. I suspect given your description Tom wasn't interested in really kinky sex anyway. Did he ask you to do things for him that you wouldn't? I think your situation is different in that way as it sounds like you weren't turning him down so much as he was disinterested in anything further. Who knows maybe with a different partner Tom would write the same post about your sex life that you did.

Not that is unusual though, but it always seems like all of this is the man's job, if she isn't turned on it's his fault, if he isn't turned on it's his fault. It's just funny when husbands write posts like this about their wives (about how they are boring in bed or whatever) there usually is a big push back. I mean imagine the same post with a guy talking about how he can tell his wife isn't into oral sex, how would that go over?

I think the real issue is that people don't try to get better at it they just assume it's that way to stay. I'm of the opinion that sex is not static, the worst kind of lover is the kind that doesn't try to improve the situation and just assumes that it's stuck not taking agency in their sex life.

If your spouse (man or women) isn't turned on by you maybe you aren't doing the things that turn them on. Sex is not something someone does to you it's something you do together.

I general I think there are a few reasons why this situation happens. Let's take out the women who are vanilla an always will be. The first is the wife did kinky things in her past as a kind of currency to get past boyfriends to like them, maybe even their husbands who they are now vanilla. The whole thing was a kind of bate and switch. This kind of person who uses sex as currency is always going to suck in bed. They don't get it, and they probably never will. They may also cheat and go right back to that pattern of doing the kinky stuff at the beginning but that is because they do the kinky stuff at the beginning of every relationship. It's not that they are really into it it's just that they know it's a good "selling point".

This is really the worst kind of person to be married to in terms of sex, and why I would tell any young person to really investigate how involved their potential mate doesn't use sex as a kind of currency as a part of hook up culture which seems to be typical. There is a difference. OP for instance just likes it.

Another reason is there are issues in the relationship, probably hurts and the wife doesn't feel close to her husband anymore (doesn't matter who is responsible). Or she is very tired from life. Maybe she has even taken him for granted. But in this case maybe you can heal that and it can get better if you work on it and if both people understand that it's something they can do for fun. The point being if she is into it she will be into it again.

There is also the idea that some women need the right kind of man to help them feel safe and comfortable to open up sexually.

Your situation just sounds like he wasn't interested in it so I don't think he is disappointing he didn't have it.
 
#4 ·
This is a good post but what is interesting to me about this post is how passive you are in all of it. It's all up to the guy to make YOU feel that way. Maybe YOUR third husband would write the same post about you. Maybe you just didn't do it for him.

Not that is unusual though, but it always seems like all of this is the man's job, if she isn't turned on it's his fault, if he isn't turned on it's his fault. It's just funny when husbands write posts like this about their wives (about how they are boring in bed or whatever) there usually is a big push back. I mean imagine the same post with a guy talking about how he can tell his wife isn't into oral sex, how would that go over?

I'm of the opinion that sex is not static, the worst kind of lover is the kind that doesn't try to improve the situation and just assumes that it's stuck and also don't take responsibility for at least 50% of their sex life.

If your spouse (man or women) isn't turned on by you maybe you aren't doing the things that turn them on.


I am not passive. But from my viewpoint it takes 2 to make sex great.
Not to toot my own horn but I’m good in bed. Tom (third boyfriend), told me I was hands down the best sex he has ever had, and it’s not because I am skillful, it’s because I LOVE sex. In the beginning of the relationship the sex was awesome, but I didn’t realize it at the time but it was bc I was carrying it. He told me his ex use to tell him he has a low sex drive (he does). He also told me that he never once went down on his ex girlfriend of 6 years because she was unhygienic.

Anyway, jt isn’t the mans job and I didn’t mean for it to come across the way. I think that when your with someone who is equally and genuinely enjoying sex, it makes you feel more comfortable, and you can enjoy it more. It’s like you are allowed to feel comfortable in your own skin with your likes and dislikes because they are shared. With Tom, I wasn’t going to grab his head and shove him in my vagina when he went down on me bc I know he would be horrified. With my first two partners this was a normal occurrence.

This is not about being one genders fault. It’s about sexual incompatibility. And when your with someone who you are compatible with, it makes you feel more like yourself and less inhibited. Because at the end of the day, we don’t want to do something our partner doesn’t like, so we are inhibited.

Some people get grossed out Easy. Some people need every t crossed before they have sex. Some people don’t like bodily fluids. It is what it is, and although most of us can fake it in the beginning, the truth eventually comes out. Some people are good actors. And it’s not about “being turned on enough”. That’s offensive. Why be with someone if your not turned on by them, especially during the dating part. People who say... well she doesn’t do it for you because you don’t turn her on is offensive and rude. And chances are, she/he is done faking liking it.
 
#9 ·
I think I understand what the OP is saying.

I'm more submissive (passive, if you wish). On another thread, someone used the description "Rag Doll" which is probably pretty close to me. But I've always been up for just about anything. I like the guy to be in charge of me and by (my) definition, you go with it when someone else is in charge.

Anyway, what resonates with me in this post is how you talk about the "disgusting perverts". Many of the guys I was with were like this. Just wanted to do more and more and have me do more and more. Go right to the limits and then push them. It's like they take you where you never thought you'd go and certainly never WANT to go. But you do.

I know most of these guys were just users and doing it to satisfy their own kinks or whatever but regardless of that, it makes you feel wanted. Like they get so wrapped up in having sex with you.

The last thing you said is probably the most interesting. You feeling that Tom was doing things to please you while the other two (kinkier ones) just did it to enjoy themselves. I TOTALLY get that. It is SO much hotter when guys appear to be doing things to please themselves. I once had sex with a guy who, before he went down on me, said "I'm going to make you feel so good". Ugghh. Noooooooo. That was kind of a turn off for me. I had to pretend that I didn't hear that but you can't unhear it LOL. I suspect that a lot of women would say that they are not like this but who knows maybe there are a lot of us like me and the OP. But if you do meet one of us, I guess the lesson is to just think of yourself and that will take us where we want to be. For me, the best sex partner is one who knows what he wants and goes for it. Not one that is focused on my needs. Yeah, that sounds counter-intuitive but hey, maybe I'm weird. If it sounds too weird, just think about where it intersects. There are BAD partners who only think of themselves but for me the BEST partners only think of themselves. Just "ignoring" my needs is certainly not all it takes. Exactly as the OP says, when they are genuinely getting freaky without it feeling like they are just doing things for you, it feels like they are sooo into having sex with YOU. So just go for it and don't worry about me. If you're really into what you're doing, it will be amazing for me.
 
#10 ·
I think I understand what the OP is saying.



I'm more submissive (passive, if you wish). On another thread, someone used the description "Rag Doll" which is probably pretty close to me. But I've always been up for just about anything. I like the guy to be in charge of me and by (my) definition, you go with it when someone else is in charge.



Anyway, what resonates with me in this post is how you talk about the "disgusting perverts". Many of the guys I was with were like this. Just wanted to do more and more and have me do more and more. Go right to the limits and then push them. It's like they take you where you never thought you'd go and certainly never WANT to go. But you do.



I know most of these guys were just users and doing it to satisfy their own kinks or whatever but regardless of that, it makes you feel wanted. Like they get so wrapped up in having sex with you.



The last thing you said is probably the most interesting. You feeling that Tom was doing things to please you while the other two (kinkier ones) just did it to enjoy themselves. I TOTALLY get that. It is SO much hotter when guys appear to be doing things to please themselves. I once had sex with a guy who, before he went down on me, said "I'm going to make you feel so good". Ugghh. Noooooooo. That was kind of a turn off for me. I had to pretend that I didn't hear that but you can't unhear it LOL. I suspect that a lot of women would say that they are not like this but who knows maybe there are a lot of us like me and the OP. But if you do meet one of us, I guess the lesson is to just think of yourself and that will take us where we want to be. For me, the best sex partner is one who knows what he wants and goes for it. Not one that is focused on my needs. Yeah, that sounds counter-intuitive but hey, maybe I'm weird. If it sounds too weird, just think about where it intersects. There are BAD partners who only think of themselves but for me the BEST partners only think of themselves. Just "ignoring" my needs is certainly not all it takes. Exactly as the OP says, when they are genuinely getting freaky without it feeling like they are just doing things for you, it feels like they are sooo into having sex with YOU. So just go for it and don't worry about me. If you're really into what you're doing, it will be amazing for me.


In my opinion your “kink” is to see your partner being pleased. I think that’s awesome. There is nothing better in the world than seeing your partner having pleasure from you. And I’m sure you know that he probably would love nothing more than for you to be pleased as well.


I’m glad you mentioned the disgusting pervert part and men just using women to push their limits. This never occurred to me because I have such a strong personality (even though I enjoy being submissive), I have very hard boundaries that I won’t cross. It’s just like when mark told me to finger my butt... ah hell no. Next.

I can see how things can go bad. But I think it’s important not to be a push over, to know your boundaries, to be confident enough to say stop or no, and to advocate for yourself.

People, especially women need to be a active participant in their sex life and In their life In general. There was a feminist book called yes means yes. I loved it bc we always talk about no means no, but women need to be active participants because by not speaking up, we are giving mixed signals. Oh I didn’t really want to do that, but I wanted to make him happy or whatever is bull crap. And no man I wants to do something that their wife doesn’t want to be done to her, so speak up women! Men aren’t mind readers. And when we talk about pushing the boundary... I’m a very black and white thinker so I don’t really get that. I see a boundary as a line. Period. Also, just because I do certain things doesn’t mean I always want to do them. If I don’t feel like doing something I won’t do it.
 
#11 ·
Thanks for your perspective @Girl_power

I agree with your points and I also know that every couple dynamic is slightly unique with things that might come easier with different partners.

Different chemistry leads to becoming comfortable with different sex for different partners.

I honestly don't care what a woman has done for a previous partner, even if she loved it, as long as we are both having fun and fulfillment with each other in our own dynamic.
 
#12 ·
@Girl_power, your post completely makes sense, but I think it is also exactly what some me fear: that they are mediocre lovers, not the hot men you had before.

I've got no suggestions, and your honestly is great, but I assume you can also tell how it would feel to the last guy. As a highly sexual person, its difficult to imagine not being very sexual and having no way to fix that.

(btw, while I have a wide range of issues, this is not one of mine).
 
#17 ·
It makes sense that people will be much more open/comfortable in situations where there is less insecurity. The higher the level of compatibility, the less unknowns, the higher the feelings of security, the freer we feel we can be ourselves and not fail (however we define that).

Tom was not sexually compatible to you so there were lots of unknowns and lots of insecurity. I don't think there is anything Tom could have done to fix this.

Personally, I think sexual compatibility is either there or it's not. This is one of those things that can't be taught.
 
#28 ·
It makes sense that people will be much more open/comfortable in situations where there is less insecurity. The higher the level of compatibility, the less unknowns, the higher the feelings of security, the freer we feel we can be ourselves and not fail (however we define that).

Tom was not sexually compatible to you so there were lots of unknowns and lots of insecurity. I don't think there is anything Tom could have done to fix this.

Personally, I think sexual compatibility is either there or it's not. This is one of those things that can't be taught.
I would substitute sexual chemistry for compatibility.

It is more descriptive. :)



L-
 
#20 ·
I think this is a great example of the different perspectives not understanding what the other is actually saying. As insightful as this is, this is not really an explanation for the actual "you did it for him, but not for me" situation.

A closer analog would be if Tom had said he wouldn't do it for you because he hated oral, or that he wasn't really into oral, and didn't like it with his ex wife, or you just picked up on him not being really into it, and so you take it off the table because you were understanding and didn't want him to be doing something he didn't really enjoy specifically and exclusively for your pleasure. And then some time later, you find out that not only did he love it with his ex, and did it all the time, and actively and enthusiastically pursued oral on her, and by all accounts he was amazing at it, her vagina was better than unicorns and puppies.

Perhaps a better way to frame the question, more accurate to what is actually being asked is "what do their other lovers have that I don't?"
 
#21 ·
If you find someone hotter than someone else, it is just easier to get worked up for all kinds of action. That is a pretty stark reality.

It is also maybe more prevalent among the less mature?

There isn't much I wouldn't do for a partner to blow her mind but when I was younger, I experienced some situations like this.

I was involved with a wonderful woman who was taller than Uma and just as hot with bigger, nicer, breasts. I actually really cared about her. Due to immaturity, I left her for a belly dancer who was crazy hot.

Sex with the Amazon was wonderful and nicely erotic but I never went down on her.

Sex with the belly dancer was off the charts hot and I did things with her that I never did with anyone before including oral.

I didn't perform oral sex again for anyone until I met Mrs. Conan and she had to ask and teach me how to perfect it.

I'm a lot more grown up now and would do anything I have done in the past with a current lover.

I honestly don't personally understand doing differently unless there is some health issue associated with a certain sex act.
 
#30 ·
Buddy400 said:
And there are plenty of good reasons for committing to someone who you're less attracted to. The important (often overlooked) thing is to make sure that your committed partner understands this and accepts it.
I agree that there are many that commit to people that they are less attracted to than previous lovers, but I can't think of any scenario where that other person is told. It is often overlooked as you say. I suppose if you're like 30 to 40 years older than your partner you kind of know the deal, but I think most people don't know. I also wonder if they did know, would they even want to be in the relationship? Hey honey, "I love you but I'm nowhere near as turned on by you as Bob". Not sure most would choose to move forward knowing that.
 
#34 ·
Of course the other person isn't told. They know exactly how the other person would feel, and it's not that they wouldn't want to hurt the other persons feelings so much as they wouldn't want to risk losing the benefits of the relationship.
 
#40 ·
I think the emotional connection during sex can make all the difference if you're dealing with an otherwise skilled lover. My current guy is very similar in bed to my first lover with 2 major differences. He is much more turned on by my pleasure. He can deal if for some reason I won't orgasm but he delights when I do and so he does all he can to make it happen. I'd be totally turned off by sulking. The last thing I want to do is stroke his ego in bed. Sometimes it's just not going to happen, I know this and I still thoroughly enjoy the sex so I don't want to be made to feel it was bad when I loved it. The more important difference is that he needs and makes that emotional connection very well. He told me once that he absolutely loves that I'll keep eye contact with him during sex. And apparently I smile a lot in a way I do not smile at any other time. He loves my "sex smile." He holds that eye contact very well as well. We "say" so much to each other even if we never speak out loud.

For these two reasons I think I'd do just about anything he asked...or I'd at least give it a try. There are some exceptions but his connection to me makes me feel like I want to do nothing but make him feel good. I've been asked for certain things by other guys but I have said no. If this guy asked for those same things, I'd say yes and it's really just because of our connection.
 
#64 ·
My ex boyfriend Tom (third guy) was not emotional. And he told me he was taught not to show emotion, and it was just really hard for him to express his feelings.
That was really hard for me because I need to FEEL loved, and I need to feel a connection with him and I honestly don’t know how people do that without sharing feelings and emotions.
And that lack of emotion translated in the bedroom. I don’t always need to have wild sex, but I just need some emotion al connection from him. And to me, that can be stepping back, and really looking at the person and enjoying them.
 
#66 ·
I think what you're describing is much tougher to understand than most realize. The connection we need (you and I and maybe @JustTheWife 's husband) pretty much requires some outward, perhaps you could say extroverted, feedback. Just as some of us have partners who would get turned off by dirty talk during sex, and so even if that's your thing you still find a way to adapt and enjoy sex with that person, there are many (I suspect a great many) of "us" that would absolutely die for the type of connection during sex where our partner is openly expressing his or her thoughts, a variation of the "I'm cumming!" that someone mentioned.

The curled toes, the digging fingers into your back, that's something some of us will connect with, but not all. Consider it almost as the "Words of affirmation" in the 5 Love Languages. Maybe that's precisely it? We need verbal feedback, and the type of verbal feedback needed during sex would definitely play to the extrovert.

If, in everything else aside from sex, we see credibility to the 5 Love Languages, why do we stop at sex, the most intimate shared moment of all?
 
#74 · (Edited)
I'm like you @Girl_power, I've always had a high drive and I absolutely LOVE sex. On about our third date, my now husband and I were talking about his marriage and he was saying that their sex life was down to about once a month, and that by that stage he had absolutely no sexual attraction to her at all. I point blank was like "Yeah, no, that's nowhere near enough for me" bahahahaha. ETA - just for clarification, my post reads like he was married and having an affair with me when we met, that is NOT the case...he was legally separated, and she was living with another man when I met my husband. We were talking about the last couple of years of his marriage.

He says he loves how passionate I am, that I throw myself into it all with great gusto lol. I sometimes want to make love, I want to be submissive and he take charge sometimes and others I want to run the show. We work so well together I think because we both live to please the other, we're both very generous, giving lovers. I don't think he ever experienced that with his first wife, it was always mechanical, and almost duty like. She and I are polar opposites.

I don't think I could be with someone who didn't put in as much effort as I, you can't carry a relationship on your own after all.
 
#86 ·
To the OP, I think I can summarize your subject concept in just a few words: Different strokes for different folks. Some men made you feel like doing certain things, and other men made you feel like doing something else. I felt the same way about gift giving with previous relationships. Some ladies really appreciated the things I bought for them, and some just expected it. The first wedding ring my W received was worth about $500. The one she wears now is insured for nearly $20K. I didn't feel like she needed or wanted an expensive rock in the beginning. But she really appreciated the more expensive one later, after we went thru some trials/tribulations in my career and she stuck with me.
 
#93 ·
I agree with all the answers about connecting.

Besides eye contact and saying your partners name, as having sex several times a week that is limiting;

What are other ways?

Just out to always be broadening my horizons, seeing how others do things sometimes opens a new line of thought for me.
 
#95 ·
I would like to hear about other ways as well.

I don’t talk at all during sex, I’m to focused on the physical sensations but I do like to emotionally connect by physical touch with things like touching my partners face, rubbing the tips of our noses gently during eye contact and breathing in each others air. Things have to be moving at a slow pace for these things.
 
#94 ·
Why I did with him and not you...

1. You’re a beta male and doesn’t solicit that kind of response
2. It’s a shameful part of her life and doesn’t want to relive it
3. She’s a mom now and that’s just gross
4. She was having audition sex
5. She was having her fun and how that part of life is over


Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk
 
#99 ·
Your first two were my first BF. I married a Tom. I love Tom to death we’ve been together for 12 years. Tom’s low drive + has a trampling, foot, giantism(sp?) fetish. Tom needs intense fantasy play to let go and in exchange Tom will fully indulge in my body 😉 His drive has drove me off the deep end and back with self doubt and I’m still learning that I’m not the issue he is just specific in what he likes and in turn I can be too. Perhaps your Tom needed that outfit and matching bra and underwear set. Fun topic.
 
#105 · (Edited)
I think there are two points to be made to something like this. Some women use sex transactionally as a kind of a barter system which is very common in hook up culture (men too in different ways) . If you marry someone like that then your sex life is probably going to struggle because that is a very unhealthy way of thinking about sex.

The other and what OP's post seems to be about is and especially what men need to wrap there head around is that desire for women isn't love based, maybe it is in the beginning but not after long periods of marriage. For some reason (probably movies and such) men grow up believing it is. I mean look at the shows we grew up watching does anyone believe in real life Elizabeth Montgomery would be married to a shlub like Darren Stephens?

I mean when you think about it is our (meaning men) desire love based? What makes you want to go bang your wife's brains out, how good she cooked dinner that night, or the thong she is wearing? Why would it be any different for women? Now I do think women are more complicated and desire for them isn't so tied into the visual, but in my mind that actually is of some benefit.

That is the point, if you want to get your wife to treat you like the Jersey Shore guy learn what makes her tick and be the Jersey Shore guy for her.

Now the key to all that is you didn't marry a women who thinks like my first paragraph (transactionally). But one who is open to communicate and you can learn what makes her hot and bothered. But YES you are going to have to work at it. Everyone does. Marriage even good sex takes work.

As I say over and over on here, your sex life doesn't have to be static.
 
  • Like
Reactions: Girl_power
#116 ·
I'm going to agree with getting a woman worked up, feeling sexy, feeling appreciated, etc. having a greater impact on how much and how many things they will do with you as opposed to asking over tea. LoL!

The Amazon I dated did some things with me without being asked because I just led the way sexually and she was very turned on.

Her next partner asked for some of the same things and she refused. Partially, probably, because he asked without getting her motor running fast enough and she straight up told me she wasn't into him as much.
 
This is an older thread, you may not receive a response, and could be reviving an old thread. Please consider creating a new thread.
Top