I'm with you all the way there. but i find myself letting her do what she wants whether i agree with it or not. i give her too much control and dont lead enough. I see that. and I know she has cheated and its her problem and fault. her consequence is knowing that i've already spoke to a divorce attorney and the D word means she has to get a job, move out and lose a ton of money without alimony due to the fact that adultery was committed. She is turning it around as we speak. i and i recognize that i have the upper hand in the relationship now. I am just trying to put in some work and routine so we dont fall into this rut again. BTW thank you.
I personally would not reconcile with her under these circumstances.
The way you present it above, the only reason she would be "turning it around" is because she doesn't want to lose her financial situation because of the adultery. So, she is not remaining married to you because she values you, because she TRULY loves you (where she would sacrifice to make your happy, as opposed to a lip-service statement of false affection) or because she respects you. She already says you are not "masculine" which typically means she doesn't even find you sexually attractive.
No, she is only staying for financial reasons. First of all, that would not be a good enough reason for me to accept her as a wife. Secondly, there is the danger that, given the above lack of affection/desire/respect, she would very likely divorce you in the future, but at at time when the adultery is no longer an issue. She would say that you are reconciled from the adultery of the past, and now she is divorcing you for "irreconcilable differences", so that she would still have financial security.
Nope. I wouldn't accept it at all.
Look did you suddenly become "unmasculine" compared to how you were when she married you? I doubt it. Spouses can grow apart, take each other for granted, introduce substance abuse, etc. which wasn't there before, but do you really believe that your basic "masculinity" changed? No way. You didn't suddenly lose the manly skills you had before--you state yourself that you never had them due to lack of male role models (child of a single mother).
That raises the question---what was the reason she married you in the first place, anyway? Was it all a security/financial/support--including emotional and childrearing decision?
Nope. I wouldn't accept this situation at all. Neither should you. And if you decide to accept it despite our advice, you should at least get some sort of "post-nuptial" agreement which would still cut her out of any financial support should the reconciliation not work out in the future.