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post #16 of 35 (permalink) Old 01-04-2020, 03:31 AM
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Re: Maybe I'm boring... What else to do

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THank you for the kind words. You misunderstood the i don't like it. I'd just rather not have sex than try to have it back to back and him not be able to come. I completely understand and I am fine with just not doing it again.

It isn't like he wants to do it again and then he can't come and I"m upset. It's more like I get a little to frisky too soon after the last and he can't come. So I'll brutalize him til he does.

I'm saying that some on here say to make him last longer give him a BJ first. That just doesn't work out for us too well. His body can't handle it and I don't like him not coming. So we just have sex the first go around and wait at least 8 hours (most days if there's a 2 fer to be had) or wait til the next day. As much as I get wound up honestly I could never have sex again and I'd be ok (as long as I could establish that it wasn't for lack of love). I just prefer he have pleasure. Sure I want pleasure but I like sex when we both get an orgasm not one sided.
I cannot imagine someone prescribing a more ideal scenario than yours. In my book, you have described the ideal approach to sex. So again, please don't get ideas from reading things here that you are in any way depriving your husband, or yourself, of... well, anything in the bedroom. At some point you should be thinking to yourself "Wow, maybe I do have it down!" and that confidence will make things better in other areas as well. Don't mess with success. If you can find a way to bottle and sell it, there would be a lot of buyers.

Seriously, I have not seen a more reasonable and successful approach to sex (in terms of each person enjoying a satisfying and complete experience) anywhere.
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post #17 of 35 (permalink) Old 01-04-2020, 05:28 AM
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Re: Maybe I'm boring... What else to do

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Oh I'm not sure how that works. I mean I guess you could pee on the other but why?? I'm am positive he wouldn't want either to pee on me and pretty sure he wouldn't want to get peed on. If I understood the attraction from a man's standpoint I might be able to figure out if he would enjoy such things. He's a pleaser type not a dominate or degrader type. He's also not a push over.
Some people are titillated by it either from the dominating way or perhaps from the "it's dirty" side of things.

I once said to my wife as she sat on the WC that I'd like to see her pee. She grabbed my hand and stuck into under her as she peed. My erection was immediate.

That was the start of very occasional watersports play.
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post #18 of 35 (permalink) Old 01-04-2020, 05:45 AM
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Re: Maybe I'm boring... What else to do

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So I had avoided the BJ thread for a while on purpose cause those things always degenerate. I'm hoping this can be more constructive but I've been on TAM long enough not to get my hopes up. This will be long so if your patient maybe you can weigh in.


I read that thread today cause someone resurrected it and I forgot that it was months ago. There seemed to be some kind of proposition that if a girl didn't like to give BJ that it takes 1/4 of all sexual activity away from the man and that she couldn't possibly be fun. It got me worried maybe I"m not fun. I mean my husband does not complain but he never would. He's not the type of man who bases his relationship on sex. Nor is he some Alpha who has to have his way or he'd divorce me. But that means he also doesn't share any fantasy he might have or what not. Fortunately, we do not watch porn (and no he doesn't secretly watch it either). LET's really not have the porn discussion. Please assume I"m telling the truth and not some delusional wife who just doesn't know.

So the purpose of this thread to be clear it to help me determine if there are other things I or he might want to try that aren't currently being done. Maybe because we don't watch porn and don't have adventurous friends we are missing out. I obviously know the whole spiel about talk to your partner... well I have and he's got nothing and completely happy. But I'm not sure he'd tell me if he wasn't. When at one time in our marriage I took the initiative to ask ideally how often he'd like sex you could have knocked me over with a feather when he said daily. We had never really done daily not even when dating, or first year of marriage. And no he didn't initiate and I turn him down daily. That's when I know that despite the fact I'd like him to be a leader / Alpha in bed it just wasn't him. He a confident man, a giving man and a happy man. But he doesn't sit around and think about what do I want to make me happier (that's probably why he's happy it's a simple life). So it's hard to take initiative when your partner is shy about talking about sex or wants and isn't a take charge kind of guy. I don't think he'd lie. So if I made him dress in women's clothes for sex, well he'd say no and that he didn't like it so I just have to decide it there is anything I'd like to try to make sex better for him.

Physical limitations: He's 50. He can have sex everyday for a while like 10-14 days then I think he needs a break. Sometimes he can have sex 2x a day or 3x a day but that is rarer and certainly not back to back. I laugh when I read make him last longer by giving him a BJ first. Well that wouldn't work for us. He may even get hard again but it may not stay or he can't come. While I accept it I don't like it. I want him to orgasm most of the time. Second he gets leg cramp and has back issues. He lasts 5-7 minutes which has always seemed to be normal to me but some people on here sound like hours or such. Even if he could go longer it would have other physical limitations. Just keep those things in mind when making suggestions.

So the BJ thread, I always think of BJ's as a man coming in your mouth. We do that sometimes but mostly no. He takes forever and he prefers PIV. I prefer PIV or PIA. I will take him in my mouth and stimulate him as part of foreplay. I swallow and don't care if he's been in me or not.
We have many positions that we use like missionary, reverse missionary, doggie, cowgirl, spooning, we have a ramp and a wedge for tilting hips, an esse, a swing. We don't use the esse or swing much.
We have and use a variety of toys like a we-vibe, a butt plug, a prostate massaging butt plug (for him), **** rings, bullets.
While I am responsive desire once I'm wound up then I initiate. I'll do surprise soap inspections after a shower. I rub on him and grab his butt a lot. I encourage him to rub my butt or bump into him in the store suggestively. When he's holding my hand sometimes I'll swing his arm to where he grazes my breast and I'll exclaim Mr. >>>> playfully.
We have dimmable lights in the bedroom so he can make the light however he wants. I don't prefer full blast but haven't stopped him if he chooses bright light.
I've let him tie him up. He seemed to want to just to please me. I've tied him up, not his or my preference. Though I did take advantage or that.
He's not into public sex, me either.
We both don't understand why anyone would want sex in the kitchen when all the comfort, toys, lube, bathroom and towels are in the bedroom.
I do hand jobs but that really is only on those days where an orgasm is giving him trouble and the rest of our bodies have given out (including my mouth). He's not into them or anything.
We have tried anal. I like it more than he does.
I haven't tried dirty talk because I wouldn't know what to say and I'm 99% certain it would turn him off. He doesn't like to talk during sex. I've tried very hard to work on the communication during sex. I can get him to talk sometimes after. Like we might review a new position or toy AFTER not during.
No third party sex either. We don't want it.
He also hasn't seemed to keen on role play. Once after torture I got him to say he might like it if I wore a head to toe fishnet bodysuit. I tried to get him to tell me if I was supposed to be submissive, dominate or a maid what have you. He said he din't have any thoughts like that (I think that was a lie). So I bought one a crotchless one and wore it to pick him up at the airport. I brooched the subject after but he again didn't have a fantasy about it and said I didn't have to wear it again if I didn't want to. I had to fight body issues in my head for a while (like was he expecting me to look like the model in the catelog just because I put it on and then was disappointed when I didn't?) But I think that was my issue not his.

I read things like vaginal fisting and it just makes my stomach curl.


A typical sexual encounter for us would be foreplay, PIV and follow up toys for me if needed and wanted or follow up Oral stimulation / hand if needed for him (very rare is this needed). We vary foreplay, use of toys or not and which ones, positions including girl on top. Truth is he seems to repeat things he thinks are successful for me, he's a pleaser type. So maybe he doesn't need variety.

I admit that I'm an Alpha in most of the world and a partner with him for household things but I'm 52% in control and he's 48% type thing. Mostly because I appreciate it that way, otherwise I could be more in control. I try very hard to make sure we are balanced. And he knows that if he makes something a hard ..... then he wins. So if he says no we aren't going to do >>>>> then we won't. If he said quit that job and meant it I would. But he's also easy going and doesn't have hard limits that very often.

So I guess wanting him to be Alpha in bed isn't all that fair. He does a good job of leading but I think he would prefer to not to at least some of the time. I got him to admit recently that he is more submissive in bed. Though I'm not sure his connotation is the same as BSDM submissive. I think he meant more he'd rather be led than lead. He's never expressed any desire to be degraded or abused. I'm not sure I know how to lead more in bed and orgasm myself. So lot to think on that.

But is there some things out there that sounds like we might like it?
What is all this menu that the men of TAM talk about that he's missing out on. He has a willing enthusiastic partner and gets more sex than his body can handle at the moment, most days. When answering I know it is difficult but try not to be the standard triggered person I don't know if I can take the beating. Try to use your sexual knowledge to think about what a non Alpha somewhat non-adventurous type might like. What a man who wants to be led but doesn't like talking might like.

Oh and it you aren't embarrassed I'd be interested in your amount of weekly porn use.

Ok deep breath let me have it.
Anastasia, my advise is to actually BELIEVE your husband and accept that he is happy with your sex life. Why wouldn't you? Also not to worry in anyway about what some people here say they do in sex or what they may WANT to do in sex. It sounds as if you have a varied sex life so why are you concerned? Why compare? Many men and women here watch porn and their desires for what they do in sex comes out of that.

I am married to a man who in some ways sounds similar. I sometimes ask if there are different things he wants me to wear(I have a selection of sexy underwear),or that he wants to do, his usual answer is that he is more than happy with what we do and that the fact that I actually WANT to have sex with him and wear things to please him is what is important to him. He isn't lying. He is the most laid back, easy to please, easy going man ever, and I LOVE that. Like you we don't watch porn, so thankfully he doesn't expect me to act out what he sees there, an isn't thinking of what he watched on porn a few hours before when we have sex. For us sex is both an expression of love and commitment and a very enjoyable experience. It bonds us and strengthens our marriage.

I have no interest in doing what others do, or worrying that we may be 'missing out'(we aren't). I often read posts here about sex and thank God that I have the husband I have. Couldn't stand a demanding husband who wants me to act like a porn star.

As for blow jobs which seems to be the thing you are most concerned about that is talked about here, ssshh wisper....there are actually people who have good sex lives without blow jobs. Yes really. Its not compulsory that everyone MUST do them or like them, and yes, you can have a varied and happy sex life without oral/anal/role-play or whatever else it is.

So stop comparing, believe your husband and carry on enjoying each other the way you do.

Last edited by Diana7; 01-04-2020 at 06:00 AM.
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post #19 of 35 (permalink) Old 01-04-2020, 08:13 AM
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Re: Maybe I'm boring... What else to do

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So I am boring

I took this as there is no help for me. So why bother replying?
No.

Based on your written criteria, read it as 'our' dilemma, not yours.

Boring can be that deep probing mind.

Yes.

Not always, though!


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post #20 of 35 (permalink) Old 01-04-2020, 08:16 AM
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Re: Maybe I'm boring... What else to do

Out of curiosity how many times a week do you guys have sex and how often do you initiate vs him?
And for the record, my sex goals in life is to be like you guys when Iím your age!!
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post #21 of 35 (permalink) Old 01-04-2020, 09:20 AM
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Re: Maybe I'm boring... What else to do

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Many years ago I read a book that made me rethink my sex life. I started asking questions and being the impetus of some changes.
Soooo....do you recall the book?
Similar dynamic. I'm the more adventurous, communicative partner. I like to keep the lines open and "improve" upon sex, because as you stated, if you're going to do something for decades, do it exceptionally well, right?! I buy things and read and ask questions.
Husband has the higher drive, yet is laid-back. I appreciate this quality about him. We complement one another, but those traits do have the potential to become problematic, as TAM clearly demonstrates. We use BJs in the same manner as you, more as foreplay, but not always. I don't think we are boring, he definitely doesn't think we are boring, and that is what matters. He is late 40's. I did find tact was necessary when seeking to improve and enhance (at mid-life) so that my relentless ambitions were not received as criticism. I may have failed a couple times with that. A sense of humor, as Fozzy mentioned, and timing, help.
I'm not a guy, forgive my intrusion into the clubhouse, but it sounds like you are doing exceptionally well, not boring...actually, thank you for the tips.
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post #22 of 35 (permalink) Old 01-04-2020, 10:27 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Maybe I'm boring... What else to do

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Anastasia, my advise is to actually BELIEVE your husband and accept that he is happy with your sex life. Why wouldn't you? Also not to worry in anyway about what some people here say they do in sex or what they may WANT to do in sex. It sounds as if you have a varied sex life so why are you concerned? Why compare? Many men and women here watch porn and their desires for what they do in sex comes out of that.

I am married to a man who in some ways sounds similar. I sometimes ask if there are different things he wants me to wear(I have a selection of sexy underwear),or that he wants to do, his usual answer is that he is more than happy with what we do and that the fact that I actually WANT to have sex with him and wear things to please him is what is important to him. He isn't lying. He is the most laid back, easy to please, easy going man ever, and I LOVE that. Like you we don't watch porn, so thankfully he doesn't expect me to act out what he sees there, an isn't thinking of what he watched on porn a few hours before when we have sex. For us sex is both an expression of love and commitment and a very enjoyable experience. It bonds us and strengthens our marriage.

I have no interest in doing what others do, or worrying that we may be 'missing out'(we aren't). I often read posts here about sex and thank God that I have the husband I have. Couldn't stand a demanding husband who wants me to act like a porn star.

As for blow jobs which seems to be the thing you are most concerned about that is talked about here, ssshh wisper....there are actually people who have good sex lives without blow jobs. Yes really. Its not compulsory that everyone MUST do them or like them, and yes, you can have a varied and happy sex life without oral/anal/role-play or whatever else it is.

So stop comparing, believe your husband and carry on enjoying each other the way you do.
Oh I do believe him he's a happy guy in general. But I also know how much our sex life improved with my previous questioning. I'm not concerned so much as curious. You are very aware of the thread I speak of. The assumption that you couldn't possibly have 100 other things on the menu if not BJ's.

I just seek any more improvement that might be had. Last time I went seeking it turned out well. I actually never stopped seeking. Once I have a hobby I get very interested in reading hearing others opinions on it. It often times doesn't change the way I approach my hobby unless I deem it better. It's just now sex is one of my hobbies.

As for comparing my life, marriage and sex to others. Well i am guilty of that but not in the typical grass is greener. It ALWAYS makes me thankful for what I have. I"m on my first marriage (for both of us), we have been married more than 25 years and we are happy. We don't fight, argue very rarely disagree, share similar thoughts, interests and hobbies. We live comfortably within our budget. But that doesn't mean things couldn't be better. This forum had I think it was starfire that mentioned triggering the G-spot during oral for the girl. That was a winner. So I'm always looking to get better.

I truly have the best marriage I know or have ever known. And don't worry. I guard it jealously. I don't let things in that I think might ruin it for us. We are also somewhat bulletproof; I just don't take that for granted.
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post #23 of 35 (permalink) Old 01-04-2020, 10:39 AM
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Re: Maybe I'm boring... What else to do

I have gotten some good ideas to try with my wife by reading the Sex In Marriage posts here (currently on page 38.) Yes, there are a lot of threads, but I browse the titles and skip the ones about people having problems so you only read 1 or 2 threads per every other page. I've actually come across some things that I had never thought of before.
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post #24 of 35 (permalink) Old 01-04-2020, 10:41 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Maybe I'm boring... What else to do

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Out of curiosity how many times a week do you guys have sex and how often do you initiate vs him?
And for the record, my sex goals in life is to be like you guys when Iím your age!!
Depends on the week. This last two weeks which are holiday for us and we both have off work. 7-10 times a week.
A Normal work week probably 5 times.
A busy, stressful week, 3-5 times.
A sick, busy, stressful work week, or travel week (where one is out of town) 0 times.

I think my husband found that daily isn't what he realllllly wanted. But 5 times a week is good. I can vary. I can turn it off when busy or stressed. I'm responsive desire if we haven't had it in a day or two. I'm constant desire sometimes if I've had a realllly good orgasm and my parts stay tingly.

Who initiates. Well I'm still confused as to what people call initiate. We are very affectionate on a regular basis anyway. So if I smile at him and look antsy he knows it's on if he wants it to be. Is that initiating. If I'm lying in bed and he walks past and I say hey your wearing clothes (which implies why?) is that initiating? He comes to me in morning and starts rubbing me that is surely initiating. I'd say we do it equally. But he knows and accepts I"m responsive desire so if it's been a day or two it's probably him. If its the weekend morning it's him. If it's a weekend afternoon then it's me.....
We also don't take the lack of follow through as some huge rejection so it doesn't really matter. And if he knows it's on from my smile but he has to start forplay is that him or me initiating?
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post #25 of 35 (permalink) Old 01-04-2020, 10:44 AM Thread Starter
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Re: Maybe I'm boring... What else to do

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Soooo....do you recall the book?
Similar dynamic. I'm the more adventurous, communicative partner. I like to keep the lines open and "improve" upon sex, because as you stated, if you're going to do something for decades, do it exceptionally well, right?! I buy things and read and ask questions.
Husband has the higher drive, yet is laid-back. I appreciate this quality about him. We complement one another, but those traits do have the potential to become problematic, as TAM clearly demonstrates. We use BJs in the same manner as you, more as foreplay, but not always. I don't think we are boring, he definitely doesn't think we are boring, and that is what matters. He is late 40's. I did find tact was necessary when seeking to improve and enhance (at mid-life) so that my relentless ambitions were not received as criticism. I may have failed a couple times with that. A sense of humor, as Fozzy mentioned, and timing, help.
I'm not a guy, forgive my intrusion into the clubhouse, but it sounds like you are doing exceptionally well, not boring...actually, thank you for the tips.
I do remember the book. Fifty shades of grey. LOL. It didn't change me in the way that often men assume about the book. But it did make me question if I was having the best orgasm. Gave me ideas about sex things to try like a butt plug, sex when your bladder is full, toys in general. These things have enhanced my pleasure. I already have the man of my dreams but I thought maybe we can try some of these other things.
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post #26 of 35 (permalink) Old 01-04-2020, 11:39 AM
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Re: Maybe I'm boring... What else to do

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Depends on the week. This last two weeks which are holiday for us and we both have off work. 7-10 times a week.

A Normal work week probably 5 times.

A busy, stressful week, 3-5 times.

A sick, busy, stressful work week, or travel week (where one is out of town) 0 times.



I think my husband found that daily isn't what he realllllly wanted. But 5 times a week is good. I can vary. I can turn it off when busy or stressed. I'm responsive desire if we haven't had it in a day or two. I'm constant desire sometimes if I've had a realllly good orgasm and my parts stay tingly.



Who initiates. Well I'm still confused as to what people call initiate. We are very affectionate on a regular basis anyway. So if I smile at him and look antsy he knows it's on if he wants it to be. Is that initiating. If I'm lying in bed and he walks past and I say hey your wearing clothes (which implies why?) is that initiating? He comes to me in morning and starts rubbing me that is surely initiating. I'd say we do it equally. But he knows and accepts I"m responsive desire so if it's been a day or two it's probably him. If its the weekend morning it's him. If it's a weekend afternoon then it's me.....

We also don't take the lack of follow through as some huge rejection so it doesn't really matter. And if he knows it's on from my smile but he has to start forplay is that him or me initiating?


Good question Iím not sure. It sounds like you let him know you want sex but leave it open for him to respond or not.
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post #27 of 35 (permalink) Old 01-04-2020, 11:52 AM
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Re: Maybe I'm boring... What else to do

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Oh I do believe him he's a happy guy in general. But I also know how much our sex life improved with my previous questioning. I'm not concerned so much as curious. You are very aware of the thread I speak of. The assumption that you couldn't possibly have 100 other things on the menu if not BJ's.

I just seek any more improvement that might be had. Last time I went seeking it turned out well. I actually never stopped seeking. Once I have a hobby I get very interested in reading hearing others opinions on it. It often times doesn't change the way I approach my hobby unless I deem it better. It's just now sex is one of my hobbies.

As for comparing my life, marriage and sex to others. Well i am guilty of that but not in the typical grass is greener. It ALWAYS makes me thankful for what I have. I"m on my first marriage (for both of us), we have been married more than 25 years and we are happy. We don't fight, argue very rarely disagree, share similar thoughts, interests and hobbies. We live comfortably within our budget. But that doesn't mean things couldn't be better. This forum had I think it was starfire that mentioned triggering the G-spot during oral for the girl. That was a winner. So I'm always looking to get better.

I truly have the best marriage I know or have ever known. And don't worry. I guard it jealously. I don't let things in that I think might ruin it for us. We are also somewhat bulletproof; I just don't take that for granted.
Yes a great marriage is something to really appreciate and guard and protect strongly. I am very blessed to also have a great marriage. I always make sure I never compare or worry about what others do, at my age now I really don't care with others do or think, and you are a sensible lady and also appreciate what you have.

I honestly cant think of anything that I have read here that has improved my sex life, we just do our own thing that we enjoy and it works for us. We are older than you though, in our 60's now and things do tend to slow a little as you age, but that's when quality rather than quantity can be good.
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post #28 of 35 (permalink) Old 01-05-2020, 05:24 PM
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Re: Maybe I'm boring... What else to do

@Anastasia6
It sounds like you have a great and varied sex life. If you are both happy with it, that's great. Its far more than many people have.

If you are looking for other things do do, a few thougths:

First you should both agree that either of you is free to suggest *anything*, and that he other is free to politely turn down *anything*, but never to feel that the request was somehow bad / perverted. I think its very important that both people feel completely comfortable asking for what they want, and turning down things that they don't want.

You do *far* more than I actually get to do

Have you tried various role-playing? Are there scenarios you both would find fun? Sounds like you've tried bondage, but neither of you particularly wanted more.

I don't think you will see anything on porn you don't already know about.

Some people are into exotic positions, others are not (I'm not). You can do various web searches.

Overall though it sounds like you have a great sex life - based on words. Is the reality great, or is something missing?
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post #29 of 35 (permalink) Old 01-05-2020, 08:07 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Maybe I'm boring... What else to do

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@Anastasia6
It sounds like you have a great and varied sex life. If you are both happy with it, that's great. Its far more than many people have. probably

If you are looking for other things do do, a few thougths:

First you should both agree that either of you is free to suggest *anything*, and that he other is free to politely turn down *anything*, but never to feel that the request was somehow bad / perverted. I think its very important that both people feel completely comfortable asking for what they want, and turning down things that they don't want. That's pretty much been our status quo from the beginning of marriage. But he doesn't suggest things.

You do *far* more than I actually get to do

Have you tried various role-playing? Are there scenarios you both would find fun? Sounds like you've tried bondage, but neither of you particularly wanted more. It's been brought up he doesn't seem to have one. I think that goes back to he doesn't really enjoy talking during.

I don't think you will see anything on porn you don't already know about. Wouldn't matter I don't really have any desire to see porn (yes in my life I have seen it) And I know that he would not want to. We both believe we don't desire to poison our minds.

Some people are into exotic positions, others are not (I'm not). You can do various web searches. Done that. We have a variety that work for us but if you go to a page that has 50 positions only about 8-10 are one that work for us. We are both not in the best shape and have back issues.

Overall though it sounds like you have a great sex life - based on words. Is the reality great, or is something missing?
Not missing anything. We do have a great sex life.

Thank you Uthred. See above.
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post #30 of 35 (permalink) Old 01-05-2020, 08:35 PM
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Re: Maybe I'm boring... What else to do

Honestly @Anastasia6 you seem to have a very rich and wonderful sex life with your husband.

I'm very alpha but my Mrs isn't nearly as adventurous though she definitely aims to please.

I think it is wonderful that you care as much as you do and it speaks volumes about the calibre of your marriage.
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