So I had avoided the BJ thread for a while on purpose cause those things always degenerate. I'm hoping this can be more constructive but I've been on TAM long enough not to get my hopes up. This will be long so if your patient maybe you can weigh in.
I read that thread today cause someone resurrected it and I forgot that it was months ago. There seemed to be some kind of proposition that if a girl didn't like to give BJ that it takes 1/4 of all sexual activity away from the man and that she couldn't possibly be fun. It got me worried maybe I"m not fun. I mean my husband does not complain but he never would. He's not the type of man who bases his relationship on sex. Nor is he some Alpha who has to have his way or he'd divorce me. But that means he also doesn't share any fantasy he might have or what not. Fortunately, we do not watch porn (and no he doesn't secretly watch it either). LET's really not have the porn discussion. Please assume I"m telling the truth and not some delusional wife who just doesn't know.
So the purpose of this thread to be clear it to help me determine if there are other things I or he might want to try that aren't currently being done. Maybe because we don't watch porn and don't have adventurous friends we are missing out. I obviously know the whole spiel about talk to your partner... well I have and he's got nothing and completely happy. But I'm not sure he'd tell me if he wasn't. When at one time in our marriage I took the initiative to ask ideally how often he'd like sex you could have knocked me over with a feather when he said daily. We had never really done daily not even when dating, or first year of marriage. And no he didn't initiate and I turn him down daily. That's when I know that despite the fact I'd like him to be a leader / Alpha in bed it just wasn't him. He a confident man, a giving man and a happy man. But he doesn't sit around and think about what do I want to make me happier (that's probably why he's happy it's a simple life). So it's hard to take initiative when your partner is shy about talking about sex or wants and isn't a take charge kind of guy. I don't think he'd lie. So if I made him dress in women's clothes for sex, well he'd say no and that he didn't like it so I just have to decide it there is anything I'd like to try to make sex better for him.
Physical limitations: He's 50. He can have sex everyday for a while like 10-14 days then I think he needs a break. Sometimes he can have sex 2x a day or 3x a day but that is rarer and certainly not back to back. I laugh when I read make him last longer by giving him a BJ first. Well that wouldn't work for us. He may even get hard again but it may not stay or he can't come. While I accept it I don't like it. I want him to orgasm most of the time. Second he gets leg cramp and has back issues. He lasts 5-7 minutes which has always seemed to be normal to me but some people on here sound like hours or such. Even if he could go longer it would have other physical limitations. Just keep those things in mind when making suggestions.
So the BJ thread, I always think of BJ's as a man coming in your mouth. We do that sometimes but mostly no. He takes forever and he prefers PIV. I prefer PIV or PIA. I will take him in my mouth and stimulate him as part of foreplay. I swallow and don't care if he's been in me or not.
We have many positions that we use like missionary, reverse missionary, doggie, cowgirl, spooning, we have a ramp and a wedge for tilting hips, an esse, a swing. We don't use the esse or swing much.
We have and use a variety of toys like a we-vibe, a butt plug, a prostate massaging butt plug (for him), **** rings, bullets.
While I am responsive desire once I'm wound up then I initiate. I'll do surprise soap inspections after a shower. I rub on him and grab his butt a lot. I encourage him to rub my butt or bump into him in the store suggestively. When he's holding my hand sometimes I'll swing his arm to where he grazes my breast and I'll exclaim Mr. >>>> playfully.
We have dimmable lights in the bedroom so he can make the light however he wants. I don't prefer full blast but haven't stopped him if he chooses bright light.
I've let him tie him up. He seemed to want to just to please me. I've tied him up, not his or my preference. Though I did take advantage or that.
He's not into public sex, me either.
We both don't understand why anyone would want sex in the kitchen when all the comfort, toys, lube, bathroom and towels are in the bedroom.
I do hand jobs but that really is only on those days where an orgasm is giving him trouble and the rest of our bodies have given out (including my mouth). He's not into them or anything.
We have tried anal. I like it more than he does.
I haven't tried dirty talk because I wouldn't know what to say and I'm 99% certain it would turn him off. He doesn't like to talk during sex. I've tried very hard to work on the communication during sex. I can get him to talk sometimes after. Like we might review a new position or toy AFTER not during.
No third party sex either. We don't want it.
He also hasn't seemed to keen on role play. Once after torture I got him to say he might like it if I wore a head to toe fishnet bodysuit. I tried to get him to tell me if I was supposed to be submissive, dominate or a maid what have you. He said he din't have any thoughts like that (I think that was a lie). So I bought one a crotchless one and wore it to pick him up at the airport. I brooched the subject after but he again didn't have a fantasy about it and said I didn't have to wear it again if I didn't want to. I had to fight body issues in my head for a while (like was he expecting me to look like the model in the catelog just because I put it on and then was disappointed when I didn't?) But I think that was my issue not his.
I read things like vaginal fisting and it just makes my stomach curl.
A typical sexual encounter for us would be foreplay, PIV and follow up toys for me if needed and wanted or follow up Oral stimulation / hand if needed for him (very rare is this needed). We vary foreplay, use of toys or not and which ones, positions including girl on top. Truth is he seems to repeat things he thinks are successful for me, he's a pleaser type. So maybe he doesn't need variety.
I admit that I'm an Alpha in most of the world and a partner with him for household things but I'm 52% in control and he's 48% type thing. Mostly because I appreciate it that way, otherwise I could be more in control. I try very hard to make sure we are balanced. And he knows that if he makes something a hard ..... then he wins. So if he says no we aren't going to do >>>>> then we won't. If he said quit that job and meant it I would. But he's also easy going and doesn't have hard limits that very often.
So I guess wanting him to be Alpha in bed isn't all that fair. He does a good job of leading but I think he would prefer to not to at least some of the time. I got him to admit recently that he is more submissive in bed. Though I'm not sure his connotation is the same as BSDM submissive. I think he meant more he'd rather be led than lead. He's never expressed any desire to be degraded or abused. I'm not sure I know how to lead more in bed and orgasm myself. So lot to think on that.
But is there some things out there that sounds like we might like it?
What is all this menu that the men of TAM talk about that he's missing out on. He has a willing enthusiastic partner and gets more sex than his body can handle at the moment, most days. When answering I know it is difficult but try not to be the standard triggered person I don't know if I can take the beating. Try to use your sexual knowledge to think about what a non Alpha somewhat non-adventurous type might like. What a man who wants to be led but doesn't like talking might like.
Oh and it you aren't embarrassed I'd be interested in your amount of weekly porn use.
Ok deep breath let me have it.
Anastasia, my advise is to actually BELIEVE your husband and accept that he is happy with your sex life. Why wouldn't you? Also not to worry in anyway about what some people here say they do in sex or what they may WANT to do in sex. It sounds as if you have a varied sex life so why are you concerned? Why compare? Many men and women here watch porn and their desires for what they do in sex comes out of that.
I am married to a man who in some ways sounds similar. I sometimes ask if there are different things he wants me to wear(I have a selection of sexy underwear),or that he wants to do, his usual answer is that he is more than happy with what we do and that the fact that I actually WANT to have sex with him and wear things to please him is what is important to him. He isn't lying. He is the most laid back, easy to please, easy going man ever, and I LOVE that. Like you we don't watch porn, so thankfully he doesn't expect me to act out what he sees there, an isn't thinking of what he watched on porn a few hours before when we have sex. For us sex is both an expression of love and commitment and a very enjoyable experience. It bonds us and strengthens our marriage.
I have no interest in doing what others do, or worrying that we may be 'missing out'(we aren't). I often read posts here about sex and thank God that I have the husband I have. Couldn't stand a demanding husband who wants me to act like a porn star.
As for blow jobs which seems to be the thing you are most concerned about that is talked about here, ssshh wisper....there are actually people who have good sex lives without blow jobs. Yes really.
Its not compulsory that everyone MUST do them or like them, and yes, you can have a varied and happy sex life without oral/anal/role-play or whatever else it is.
So stop comparing, believe your husband and carry on enjoying each other the way you do.