Can’t get over what I lost - Talk About Marriage
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post #1 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-10-2020, 02:57 PM Thread Starter
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When you truly feel as though you let go of her, your one true friend who knew you best, how do you really even get over that? I feel as though I never will. I’m a pretty astute guy, raised 3 kids to teens and in those recent years I found the love of my life. The complications of others, my x, trying to support each other with our own parenting- of course those were challenges. The anxiety became terrible, but what kills me is that it wasn’t her and I that were the issue, I mean everyone has struggles. I let all the other stuff get the best of me.

How do you go on with such regret? I don’t want to. I want her back. When you know you will regret losing someone for the rest of your days, how do you ever recover? Maybe I don’t want to. As though someone else won’t come with their own stuff and history. How is it even possible to just get over something and someone when maybe you didn’t fight hard to preserve it, and try to find another? Am I kidding myself here?

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post #2 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-10-2020, 03:03 PM
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Re: Can’t get over what I lost

Sometimes it's best to let dead dogs lie, or you would have gone through all the trouble to get divorced.

If your not the object of your lovers heart, then your just an object.
If you think the grass is greener on the otherside it's not, what you see are the weeds.
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post #3 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-10-2020, 03:12 PM
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Re: Can’t get over what I lost

What were the reasons you divorced? It might be good to start this out by listing those.

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post #4 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-10-2020, 05:48 PM Thread Starter
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Sorry I should clarify. I was divorced. This was a relationship I was in a couple of years after, for almost 4 years. I wonder how I’ll get over it, and I just don’t see how it’s possible to do it again. I wondered if everyone feels this way. It feels like a choice between being alone forever, or just playing the field. I’m not really wanting to do the latter. It seems like everyone gives up.
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post #5 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-10-2020, 05:50 PM
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Re: Can’t get over what I lost

Can you provide more details regarding what led to your breakup?
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post #6 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-10-2020, 10:31 PM
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Re: Canít get over what I lost

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Originally Posted by BornFree View Post
When you truly feel as though you let go of her, your one true friend who knew you best, how do you really even get over that? I feel as though I never will. I’m a pretty astute guy, raised 3 kids to teens and in those recent years I found the love of my life. The complications of others, my x, trying to support each other with our own parenting- of course those were challenges. The anxiety became terrible, but what kills me is that it wasn’t her and I that were the issue, I mean everyone has struggles. I let all the other stuff get the best of me.

How do you go on with such regret? I don’t want to. I want her back. When you know you will regret losing someone for the rest of your days, how do you ever recover? Maybe I don’t want to. As though someone else won’t come with their own stuff and history. How is it even possible to just get over something and someone when maybe you didn’t fight hard to preserve it, and try to find another? Am I kidding myself here?
The real truth is, you never get over any of your loves. You choose not to love them by not offering them loving actions. You have to create new neural pathways to be able to push the old ones out of the way(new memories replace old). You never forget. You will always have times when you have some questions or sadness. It doesn't have to be soul crushing, though.

Remember, once you get this far, it is over. What you are remembering is not what would be today. Each love is different, even with the same persons involved. We learn. We grow. We evolve. Nothing can possibly be the same. I don't believe you would want that anyway. Look where it got you?

You just live. You find someone else who is different from the last. That's not hard. We are all different. You love them as you would want loved, and see where it goes. You find those joys in life that only a single person can have. You remember that you have to love yourself in all your imperfection, or you won't be able to love anyone. You look at reality over time and you will see that what you remember is not as accurate as you thought.

It's likely you miss it because it is familiar, not so much because you cannot love again and find a better love. You accept you cannot change what has been. You forgive yourself, if you need to do that. You learn who you are today. You live today. You live for this moment; this minute; this hour; this day. You notice what is still as good in life as it ever was. The sunrise, a full moon on a clear night that causes you to have a shadow in it's reflected light, the squirrel that hides it's acorns and never seems to come back for them and the birds that always seem to be in a good mood are all still there. They are the same.

It's your perspective that needs changed. In time, it will. You just need to let yourself live.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson
"Youth is wasted on the young". - George Bernard Shaw

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post #7 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-10-2020, 11:00 PM
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Re: Canít get over what I lost

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The real truth is, you never get over any of your loves. You choose not to love them by not offering them loving actions. You have to create new neural pathways to be able to push the old ones out of the way(new memories replace old). You never forget. You will always have times when you have some questions or sadness. It doesn't have to be soul crushing, though.

Remember, once you get this far, it is over. What you are remembering is not what would be today. Each love is different, even with the same persons involved. We learn. We grow. We evolve. Nothing can possibly be the same. I don't believe you would want that anyway. Look where it got you?

You just live. You find someone else who is different from the last. That's not hard. We are all different. You love them as you would want loved, and see where it goes. You find those joys in life that only a single person can have. You remember that you have to love yourself in all your imperfection, or you won't be able to love anyone. You look at reality over time and you will see that what you remember is not as accurate as you thought.

It's likely you miss it because it is familiar, not so much because you cannot love again and find a better love. You accept you cannot change what has been. You forgive yourself, if you need to do that. You learn who you are today. You live today. You live for this moment; this minute; this hour; this day. You notice what is still as good in life as it ever was. The sunrise, a full moon on a clear night that causes you to have a shadow in it's reflected light, the squirrel that hides it's acorns and never seems to come back for them and the birds that always seem to be in a good mood are all still there. They are the same.

It's your perspective that needs changed. In time, it will. You just need to let yourself live.
Damn nice!! I would believe you.

If your not the object of your lovers heart, then your just an object.
If you think the grass is greener on the otherside it's not, what you see are the weeds.
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post #8 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-10-2020, 11:07 PM
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Re: Canít get over what I lost

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Damn nice!! I would believe you.
It's what I live. It comes from the heart.


However, on a side note, it made me think, "If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull****".

Hope that makes you smile, @BornFree. I was serious about what I posted. That is the way I live.

"I'm significant!! Screamed the dust speck." - Bill Watterson
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post #9 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-10-2020, 11:09 PM
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Re: Canít get over what I lost

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...

How do you go on with such regret? I donít want to. I want her back. When you know you will regret losing someone for the rest of your days, how do you ever recover? Maybe I donít want to. As though someone else wonít come with their own stuff and history. How is it even possible to just get over something and someone when maybe you didnít fight hard to preserve it, and try to find another? Am I kidding myself here?
@BornFree,

You're going to not believe me, but I'll tell you how.

You are living in the past. You are no longer in the past, but you are holding onto it. Know how you recover? Look around you today. In the present...now. You see an empty space where she once was. You see something/someone "you want" who is no longer there. You see the past good times and want that person and those good times NOW.

But I know what I'm talking about. Just about 2 years ago, I lost my Dear Hubby to heart failure, and one day he WAS...the next day he was gone. Of course, there were days when I held onto the past. There were days that I'd look around and see his chair-empty...his side of the bed-empty...all the things we used to do together...and I'd be alone. My head and my heart were in the past.

Funny thing was...I wasn't. I was living in the present with my mind and heart in the past, longing for a past that was, well PAST. And passed. And I recovered the same way that I'm telling you. I looked around, in the present...now...and I saw that there was still a sunset. I saw flowers still blooming and smelling fragrant. I hear children laughing and cat's meowing. I still tasted good food and enjoyed it. I still got hugs from my own children and my friends. All those things, were in the PRESENT and I realized that joy still existed even though Dear Hubby did not.

Here's the thing, @BornFree, every single day has both sorrow and joy. Every single day could be your last or my last. You could lose someone or something you love, and in 24 hours your world completely changes. But that is the way of life. It changes. Some changes are like a ripple in a pond...some are more seismic. But every day has both ecstatic joys...and plunging to the depths of your soul sorrows. The way you recover is to just accept that's the way life is, and stop hugging the sorrows. Even if you don't hug them, just notice the joys too.

Today, my new Beloved Hubby is sitting beside me. We just kissed and it was sweeter than any wine. We are sitting in front of a fireplace. We had an amazing meal because he is a gourmet level chef. And those are the joys. They are GOOD JOYS. He also has a pain from hurting himself, and it hurts pretty bad. We found out an aunt passed away today. I missed a phone call from a friend. Those are the sorrows. They are sad sorrows. But I'm not hugging them. I acknowledge them...and also acknowledge the joys.

That's how you recover.


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post #10 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-11-2020, 12:53 AM
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Re: Canít get over what I lost

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Originally Posted by 2ntnuf View Post
It's what I live. It comes from the heart.


However, on a side note, it made me think, "If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull****".

Hope that makes you smile, @BornFree. I was serious about what I posted. That is the way I live.
I did mean it from my heart.... Damn nice!!

If your not the object of your lovers heart, then your just an object.
If you think the grass is greener on the otherside it's not, what you see are the weeds.
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post #11 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-13-2020, 12:23 PM Thread Starter
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Thank you for your responses. It’s good to be reminded that moving on can happen. I very much live in the now realizing that life can end or change in a moment. Perhaps this is why I struggle with what I had now being gone. I’m sure it ended for the wrong reasons and should not have, this is my struggle. Maybe I need more time to just feel that. Hope and humor is what I hang on to. Thank you for sharing your own story of loss, I am sorry. It sounds like even in the depths of pain, the universe can have wonderful things waiting for you.
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post #12 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-13-2020, 02:29 PM
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Re: Canít get over what I lost

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Thank you for your responses. Itís good to be reminded that moving on can happen. I very much live in the now realizing that life can end or change in a moment. Perhaps this is why I struggle with what I had now being gone. Iím sure it ended for the wrong reasons and should not have, this is my struggle. Maybe I need more time to just feel that. Hope and humor is what I hang on to. Thank you for sharing your own story of loss, I am sorry. It sounds like even in the depths of pain, the universe can have wonderful things waiting for you.
You know, you have not really laid out what happened in the relationship... You just talk about the feeling and all the other issues that were around the relationship.

I find that odd. It is almost like you don't want to talk about how you reacted to the events surrounding the two of you.

Because, if you were a boob about what was going on, or you had severe anxiety that you were unable to control, or she did or both... All of that can wreck a relationship.

I am not say either of you did that, what I am saying is, something was not handled right by somebody, or you two would still be together. So it behooves you to actually figure what happened. If it was you then how can you fix that? If it was her then how do you avoid that 'type" or deal with that "type".

See what is even worse than breaking up, is not learning from it. That is just stupid, don't you think???
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post #13 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-14-2020, 11:30 AM Thread Starter
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Not sure how to respond this comment, seems kind of harsh. I tried to explain my situation.
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post #14 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-14-2020, 11:34 AM
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Not sure how to respond this comment, seems kind of harsh. I tried to explain my situation.
You haven't really told anything. What specifics happened.

You said you broke up for the wrong reasons. Does that mean you think her reasons were wrong?
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post #15 of 22 (permalink) Old 02-14-2020, 01:51 PM
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Re: Canít get over what I lost

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Not sure how to respond this comment, seems kind of harsh. I tried to explain my situation.
You gave no details about what is going on.

I don't really see how it is harsh, I was asking for real information and gave some scenarios. I never said they were what you are doing.

If you actually wanted some advice then we have to be able to understand what is going on.

Maybe you really don't want any advice or comments, so I guess that is OK?

You really said nothing about what went on in the relationship that you "wanted back". Yeah, some vague outside pressures were alluded to but not described...
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