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post #76 of 124 (permalink) Old 07-08-2019, 09:36 AM
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Re: More Questions Than Answers...

HIT,

One other thing bothering me, her kids are older than yours, at some point they may become an extension of their mother and start abusing your kids emotionally, possibly violently or sexually. Can your kids stay with your exW or parents while you exit?

GET OUT, there is no 5 year plan, or 10 or 20 with this woman unless you want to die from stress in 10 years.

Totalitarianism died out except for North Korea and your wife.

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post #77 of 124 (permalink) Old 07-08-2019, 09:39 AM
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Re: More Questions Than Answers...

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I'm sure it contributed to why the first marriage didn't go well, yes. Along with other problems. They were just not a good fit in many areas overall.

MC seemed like an exercise in futility at the time, and looking back, still feels that way. Very little was gained. My wife had a hard time seeing where she could be wrong, even after being faced with it point blank by a professional.

She tells me she believes she's gotten all the help she feels like she needs. I'm sure I could use a little help too. The one IC I saw that I actually liked and saw as a fit, she got upset about me seeing because he wasn't a Christian and she felt as if he was actively trying to get me out of the marriage because he saw smoke and fire.
Let's say that everything you have said is as true and unbiased are you could possibly tell us what is going on.

I think it would follow that most of the advice, which is to admit it won't work, and move on is correct.

I think what you said in this post is quite telling and to me, it basically tells you what you already know and why you need to end it.

But when you have a counselor at whatever level, telling you that you are wrong, and you don't even entertain the idea that they may have a point, that kind of tells you where you are at.

Not that a therapist can't be wrong, because they often are, but then to heap on the fact that she is a professed Christian, and she has these issues with abuse of her husband, and children in the house, not to mention the disrespect overall....

Brother she has issues, big huge gaping issues, that you will never ever be able to fix.

It is time to get out of this marriage, it is bad for you...

And try to figure out how you got with a woman like this in the first place and don't ever do it again.
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post #78 of 124 (permalink) Old 07-08-2019, 09:42 AM
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Re: More Questions Than Answers...

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Maybe I'm scared? I don't know. I've thought about it endlessly lately. I'm scared to put the kids through one more big life change. I guess maybe I should look at a change like that as a positive for them, and not a negative. Maybe that would help.
You've already at the very least seriously scared them with your fights. I don't see the benefit of staying because they'll have to go through another divorce. They'll probably be happy to see the last of her.
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post #79 of 124 (permalink) Old 07-08-2019, 09:53 AM Thread Starter
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Re: More Questions Than Answers...

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HIT,

One other thing bothering me, her kids are older than yours, at some point they may become an extension of their mother and start abusing your kids emotionally, possibly violently or sexually. Can your kids stay with your exW or parents while you exit?

GET OUT, there is no 5 year plan, or 10 or 20 with this woman unless you want to die from stress in 10 years.

Totalitarianism died out except for North Korea and your wife.
Oh no, I'm talking short term plan. Within the next couple of days while my kids are at their mother's house anyway, and her kids are at their father's house. I already have a place to go and stay for a bit.
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post #80 of 124 (permalink) Old 07-08-2019, 09:54 AM Thread Starter
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Re: More Questions Than Answers...

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You've already at the very least seriously scared them with your fights. I don't see the benefit of staying because they'll have to go through another divorce. They'll probably be happy to see the last of her.
Right. I am going to make sure they are NEVER in that position ever again.
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post #81 of 124 (permalink) Old 07-08-2019, 10:08 AM
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Sounds like she is crazy enough to make false claims against you. I would keep a recorder in your front pocket for your own legal safety.
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post #82 of 124 (permalink) Old 07-08-2019, 10:15 AM
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Re: More Questions Than Answers...

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Oh no, I'm talking short term plan. Within the next couple of days while my kids are at their mother's house anyway, and her kids are at their father's house. I already have a place to go and stay for a bit.
I'm sorry that it came to this, but I'm happy you're taking this step.

Considering how explosive she can get, you need to protect yourself from her making crazy claims. Record all interactions with her(*). Get a Voice Activated Recorder (VAR) and keep it on you at all times. Get a phone recording app. Try to keep all communication through text or email. I would not be surprised if she falsely claims you hit her and tries to get a restraining order on you. I also would not be surprised if she tries to hit or throw something at you. It would probably be safest to have the initial conversation with her over the phone where you can record it and she can't get to you.

(*) Recording laws vary from state-to-state. Some states are "one party", which means you are allowed to secretly record conversations you are part of. Other states are "two party", which means that everyone recorded needs to know. If you are in a one party state, you can record her without her knowing. But if you're in a two party state, you'll have to tell her you're recording all interactions with her.
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post #83 of 124 (permalink) Old 07-08-2019, 02:29 PM Thread Starter
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Re: More Questions Than Answers...

So...update. I couldn't wait to get home to tell her. I know I'm a s***** person for doing this, but I told her over our IM system sitting here at work that I'm going to move out tonight. The kids aren't home and it'll be just me and her and I go there and grab some things to bring with me after work. She's begging me and begging me to change my mind but I am going to stand strong.
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post #84 of 124 (permalink) Old 07-08-2019, 02:34 PM
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Re: More Questions Than Answers...

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So...update. I couldn't wait to get home to tell her. I know I'm a s***** person for doing this, but I told her over our IM system sitting here at work that I'm going to move out tonight. The kids aren't home and it'll be just me and her and I go there and grab some things to bring with me after work. She's begging me and begging me to change my mind but I am going to stand strong.
Save the IM's some place safe. It would be better if she wasn't there when you got your stuff. It is certain there is going to be high emotions when she sees you. Get your stuff when she's at work or something to avoid the confrontation.
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post #85 of 124 (permalink) Old 07-08-2019, 03:10 PM Thread Starter
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Re: More Questions Than Answers...

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Save the IM's some place safe. It would be better if she wasn't there when you got your stuff. It is certain there is going to be high emotions when she sees you. Get your stuff when she's at work or something to avoid the confrontation.
She works from home. She will be there because she wants to talk about it, which means she wants to talk me out of leaving. The next time she will be out of the house for sure is Thursday.

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post #86 of 124 (permalink) Old 07-08-2019, 03:40 PM
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Re: More Questions Than Answers...

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That is the exact behavior I get. The pouting, the displeasure, the crabbiness. Not outright saying I can't or she doesn't want me to, but everything else tells me, without a doubt.

I had a conversation with my daughter last night (12) and she told me she wishes we would have moved last fall when I attempted to separate from my wife. I asked her if she'd be happier if it were just her, her brother and I and her answer was yes. So yes, I am getting out. It's just a matter of putting together an exit plan now.
Good for you. You and your children will be so much happier. Usually I want to see everyone's marriage work out if possible, but in this case I'm happy for you that you're getting out! I think you are making the right decision. Especially with your kids involved.
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post #87 of 124 (permalink) Old 07-08-2019, 04:15 PM Thread Starter
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Re: More Questions Than Answers...

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Good for you. You and your children will be so much happier. Usually I want to see everyone's marriage work out if possible, but in this case I'm happy for you that you're getting out! I think you are making the right decision. Especially with your kids involved.
Thank you for your kids words @WorkingWife I really appreciate it. I know it's going to be hard, but at this point it can't be any harder than life as it is.
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post #88 of 124 (permalink) Old 07-08-2019, 04:16 PM
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Re: More Questions Than Answers...

Don't allow her even to touch you.

BTW did she cheat on you as well, if not you are likely avoiding that in your future too.
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post #89 of 124 (permalink) Old 07-08-2019, 05:08 PM Thread Starter
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Re: More Questions Than Answers...

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Don't allow her even to touch you.

BTW did she cheat on you as well, if not you are likely avoiding that in your future too.
No contact whatsoever. I'm asking her to leave so I can get some things and she is refusing right now. I might not even go over there tonight if that is true only because of the explosive history.

No, did not cheat on me but history of cheating in her past, multiple times.
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post #90 of 124 (permalink) Old 07-08-2019, 05:12 PM
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Re: More Questions Than Answers...

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No contact whatsoever. I'm asking her to leave so I can get some things and she is refusing right now. I might not even go over there tonight if that is true only because of the explosive history.
You may be able to request a police escort in these kinds of situations. It might seem like overkill, but it would ensure that nothing would happen and would establish that you were worried about how she'd react in case she ever made false claims against you in the future.
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