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post #91 of 124 (permalink) Old 07-08-2019, 05:16 PM Thread Starter
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Re: More Questions Than Answers...

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You may be able to request a police escort in these kinds of situations. It might seem like overkill, but it would ensure that nothing would happen and would establish that you were worried about how she'd react in case she ever made false claims against you in the future.
It's absolutely an option and I'm not afraid to do that if it comes down to it.

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post #92 of 124 (permalink) Old 07-08-2019, 05:37 PM
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Re: More Questions Than Answers...

She's not going to make any of this easy so you absolutely need to be prepared for anything. Have a VAR on you when you're around her.
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post #93 of 124 (permalink) Old 07-08-2019, 06:06 PM
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Re: More Questions Than Answers...

Whats the situation with your kids and your ex? 50/50?

If you have even a middling, positive relationship with ex, just have the kids stay with her while you untie this knot.

I'm operating under the presumption that WHAT you are going to do is no longer a point of discussion. It's just when and how.

What you describe is a toxic train-wreck by anyone's definition. It is unhealthy for you, and EXTRAORDINARILY damaging to your children. Get them out at the very least.

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post #94 of 124 (permalink) Old 07-08-2019, 06:42 PM
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Re: More Questions Than Answers...

have to agree with whoever suggested a police escort, especially since you already called the police on her before and she has a record.

Given the way she treats you with contempt now and the past cheating, you were in for a world of torment when she relapses.
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post #95 of 124 (permalink) Old 07-08-2019, 09:29 PM
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Re: More Questions Than Answers...

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A big one is that I don't want to hurt her. Second is I'm scared of putting my kids through another big life change, like I said earlier. Third, I guess there is a fear of being a failure and that stigma that goes along with being twice divorced.
Just reading this now. We didn't have kids but those two other reasons are why it took me years to get out of my marriage. Hell, not wanting to hurt him is why I married him in the first place when I knew deep down I was never going to be happy. FINALLY, I asked myself - is my life supposed to be a sacrifice to someone else's happiness? I'm literally staying unhappily married to a man because I don't want HIM to be embarrassed by divorce?

And I'm worried what will people think that this is my second divorce? I was talking to my main boyfriend from before I got married and I told him I was embarrassed to be divorced twice and he bust out laughing and said "I think there are more important things to be embarrassed by in life." And I realized -- it's true. I have friends, family and business associates with multiple divorces behind them and I don't think anything less of them. I care about them and I just want them to be happy.

What is the saying? Those who care don't matter, and those who matter don't care.
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post #96 of 124 (permalink) Old 07-08-2019, 09:42 PM
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Re: More Questions Than Answers...

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She's begging me and begging me to change my mind but I am going to stand strong.
Good for you. A couple tips on "standing strong" - don't give her concrete examples and reasons, because any detail you give is something she can grab hold of to try to spin to talk you out of it. Say things she can't argue with: I'm just not happy. I'm stressed all the time. This just doesn't feel right. My children are not themselves (even that might be too much detail) but just repeating "This isn't working for me." "I'm sorry but I'm just not happy." "I need time and space to think." If she comes back at you with "But blah blah blah" say "That isn't how I feel." or "That isn't what I want."

Good luck.

PS, given the circumstances I think the IM was fine. The only drawback is that it gives her time to think and plot of how to try to change your mind. But what's important is that you're doing it, not the exact communication medium.
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post #97 of 124 (permalink) Old 07-08-2019, 10:56 PM Thread Starter
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Well folks, I’m out of the house. I went and grabbed some bags full of clothes, necessary items and left. She had a girlfriend over so I didn’t have to talk to her, which was good. After I left, I sent her a text message asking her to transfer half of the balances of our shared bank accounts to my account and she told me she will not being doing that. I’m not sure how that works...maybe somebody can fill me in on what I should do there. Otherwise, I’m out. I’m somewhere safe where I can lay my head for a bit.
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post #98 of 124 (permalink) Old 07-08-2019, 11:11 PM
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Re: More Questions Than Answers...

Legal representation immediately.

Also, it seems if you want her to do something, ask her to do the opposite.

Stay strong!
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post #99 of 124 (permalink) Old 07-08-2019, 11:18 PM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by hubbyintrubby View Post
She's begging me and begging me to change my mind but I am going to stand strong.
Good for you. A couple tips on "standing strong" - don't give her concrete examples and reasons, because any detail you give is something she can grab hold of to try to spin to talk you out of it. Say things she can't argue with: I'm just not happy. I'm stressed all the time. This just doesn't feel right. My children are not themselves (even that might be too much detail) but just repeating "This isn't working for me." "I'm sorry but I'm just not happy." "I need time and space to think." If she comes back at you with "But blah blah blah" say "That isn't how I feel." or "That isn't what I want."

Good luck.

PS, given the circumstances I think the IM was fine. The only drawback is that it gives her time to think and plot of how to try to change your mind. But what's important is that you're doing it, not the exact communication medium.
She spent most of the day talking me into coming over and talking it all out. I kept giving her those canned type answers you’re talking about @WorkingWife and it seemed to go ok doing that.
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post #100 of 124 (permalink) Old 07-09-2019, 08:57 AM
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Re: More Questions Than Answers...

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After I left, I sent her a text message asking her to transfer half of the balances of our shared bank accounts to my account and she told me she will not being doing that.
I'm glad it all worked out without incident. I'm sure her girlfriend being there helped, as she didn't want to embarrass herself in front of her. But keep a VAR on you at all times since there's no telling what will happen in the future.

Is there a reason she has to move the money? If it's a shared account, I would expect that you could do the transfer yourself. She is not going to be cooperative for these kinds of requests, so don't even ask if you can do it yourself.

Keep in mind that debts are still shared, so make sure payments for house, cars, and whatever else are still being made. Even if you have to pay 100%, do it. Any imbalance in payments should be taken into consideration by the judge during the asset separation of the divorce.

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post #101 of 124 (permalink) Old 07-09-2019, 09:09 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by hubbyintrubby View Post
After I left, I sent her a text message asking her to transfer half of the balances of our shared bank accounts to my account and she told me she will not being doing that.
I'm glad it all worked out without incident. I'm sure her girlfriend being there helped, as she didn't want to embarrass herself in front of her. But keep a VAR on you at all times since there's no telling what will happen in the future.

Is there a reason she has to move the money? If it's a shared account, I would expect that you could do the transfer yourself. She is not going to be cooperative for these kinds of requests, so don't even ask if you can do it yourself.

Keep in mind that debts are still shared, so make sure payments for house, cars, and whatever else are still being made. Even if you have to pay 100%, do it. Any imbalance in payments should be taken into consideration by the judge during the asset separation of the divorce.
She’s locked me out of the accounts. I have no access to any shared money as of right now. She says she is going to use the money to pay all necessary bills because she thinks I wouldn’t. I would, but she’s giving me zero choice in the matter. I’ve switched my direct deposit to have my checks deposited into my own account as of now.

She’s locked me out of almost 10k worth of funds.
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post #102 of 124 (permalink) Old 07-09-2019, 09:10 AM Thread Starter
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Quote:
Originally Posted by hubbyintrubby View Post
After I left, I sent her a text message asking her to transfer half of the balances of our shared bank accounts to my account and she told me she will not being doing that.
I'm glad it all worked out without incident. I'm sure her girlfriend being there helped, as she didn't want to embarrass herself in front of her. But keep a VAR on you at all times since there's no telling what will happen in the future.

Is there a reason she has to move the money? If it's a shared account, I would expect that you could do the transfer yourself. She is not going to be cooperative for these kinds of requests, so don't even ask if you can do it yourself.

Keep in mind that debts are still shared, so make sure payments for house, cars, and whatever else are still being made. Even if you have to pay 100%, do it. Any imbalance in payments should be taken into consideration by the judge during the asset separation of the divorce.
She’s locked me out of the accounts. I have no access to any shared money as of right now. She says she is going to use the money to pay all necessary bills because she thinks I wouldn’t. I would, but she’s giving me zero choice in the matter. I’ve switched my direct deposit to have my checks deposited into my own account as of now.

She’s locked me out of almost 10k worth of funds.
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post #103 of 124 (permalink) Old 07-09-2019, 09:13 AM
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Re: More Questions Than Answers...

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Originally Posted by hubbyintrubby View Post
Well folks, I’m out of the house. I went and grabbed some bags full of clothes, necessary items and left. She had a girlfriend over so I didn’t have to talk to her, which was good. After I left, I sent her a text message asking her to transfer half of the balances of our shared bank accounts to my account and she told me she will not being doing that. I’m not sure how that works...maybe somebody can fill me in on what I should do there. Otherwise, I’m out. I’m somewhere safe where I can lay my head for a bit.
If you're on the account.... just go to the bank and get a cashier's check for half the balance.

Then take that check and deposit into your own account (one where only your name is on account).

Of if your personal account is at the same bank.... just have them move 50% of the money of your joint account into your personal account.

I would do this asap. You don't need your wifes permission if it's a joint account.
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post #104 of 124 (permalink) Old 07-09-2019, 09:15 AM
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Re: More Questions Than Answers...

You need to get to a divorce lawyer asap. They can help you get access to marital assets.

This needs to be done right away.
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post #105 of 124 (permalink) Old 07-09-2019, 09:21 AM
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Re: More Questions Than Answers...

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Originally Posted by hubbyintrubby View Post
She’s locked me out of the accounts. I have no access to any shared money as of right now. She says she is going to use the money to pay all necessary bills because she thinks I wouldn’t. I would, but she’s giving me zero choice in the matter. I’ve switched my direct deposit to have my checks deposited into my own account as of now.

She’s locked me out of almost 10k worth of funds.
Save those texts. That's great documentation to have for the judge. How did she lock you out of the accounts? Was it that she changed the online password or did she remove you from the account? You should contact the bank directly and see about getting your access back. But even if she takes it all, it should just be a temporary setback. The judge will take that $10k into account when splitting up the assets regardless of which account it ends up in.
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