Unhappily Married Nine Years - Page 15 - Talk About Marriage
New Member Forum - Introduce Yourself! Drop in, say hi, and get to know your community.

User Tag List

 626Likes
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #211 of 382 (permalink) Old 08-26-2019, 03:08 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
DoesItGetBetter?'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 120
Re: Unhappily Married Nine Years

Quote:
Originally Posted by 3Xnocharm View Post
Number one, neither of you is going to die if the woman gets upset. You have GOT to stop being afraid to upset her! That is why you are here in the first place! You have every right to access a computer whenever you want, and making it happen is one way to finally assert yourself. (Just stay off the porn sites, it really isnt difficult, and doing so proves her wrong ) And as long as you dont act upon any "lust for other women" you will be fine! All of us have some kind of attraction or lust for others at some point, whether someone we know or a picture out in cyberspace or a celebrity on tv. We are living humans, it happens. It is all about what you DO with/about it that counts, and most of us just carry on with our lives and dont put any importance on those fleeting thoughts. You arent dead, man.
I agree - I have been "sober" for over one week now, so I may ask for access to the computer again soon. What if she says no? Someone said that I should just buy a personal computer for myself if it comes down to it! I will just have to train myself to keep away from anything tempting online.

DoesItGetBetter? is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #212 of 382 (permalink) Old 08-26-2019, 03:11 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
DoesItGetBetter?'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 120
Re: Unhappily Married Nine Years

Quote:
Originally Posted by Livvie View Post
I guess I don't understand the computer thing ( her taking away the access). You are here posting. I assume you have a phone? You and your wife know you can access porn from your phone, right? So why do you have access to a phone but not the computer? Help me understand, then I have more comments...
Yes, I have a phone with internet connection, but it is work-related, restricted to only safe sites.
DoesItGetBetter? is offline  
post #213 of 382 (permalink) Old 08-26-2019, 03:18 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
DoesItGetBetter?'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 120
Re: Unhappily Married Nine Years

Quote:
Originally Posted by CynthiaDe View Post
Put anti-porn software on the computer. Have your wife install it. Speak to your wife about the computer and let her know what's happening. If you either hide it from her or drop it on her without letting her know what's going on, she will think you don't care about her.

Stop worrying about making your wife upset and start learning to communicate with each other in a loving healthy manner.

Have you purchased any of the recommended books? You need to understand the why behind recommendations if you are going to implement them effectively and you need to have your wife on the same page if you want to work things out with her.

Sent from my SM-G965U using Tapatalk
Thanks - the software might work. I read a few previews of the books online, along with reviews. I plan on going to the library soon to see if I can check them out.
DoesItGetBetter? is offline  
 
post #214 of 382 (permalink) Old 08-26-2019, 03:27 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
DoesItGetBetter?'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 120
Re: Unhappily Married Nine Years

Quote:
Originally Posted by MarriedTex View Post
OK, so in the past week you have proven that you can still be "perfect" enough that she won't get mad at you for a given period of time. I understand how these weeks of calm can be appreciated amidst a steady stream of marital rancor.

I might point out, however, that - in No More Mr. Nice Guy terms - that your emotional hose is still firmly attached. Specifically, you defined the week as "good" because the wife did not get mad at you. That is the very definition of basing your happiness on your wife's happiness.

What have you done in the past week to clean up your side of the street, to make yourself a better partner for your wife? (And, no, I'm not talking about "wife-pleasing" actions like hugging her more. That's good in a typical relationship, but your main problem is that you use your actions to manipulate outcomes. You hug more so that she won't get mad at you. The outcome that you seek is just as important as the action itself.

I recognize that you have "lost yourself" while attempting to be the wife-pleasing husband that bases his happiness solely on her happiness. It's easy to let yourself fall back in that rut, and you might even have a good month. But you know - and I know - that it's not going to last. Ultimately, you're going to rock the boat in a way that makes her unhappy and that will - in turn - make you unhappy.

So, you have two choices, either you can begin taking small steps to work on yourself (it's a long, multi-year journey with lots of backward steps along the way) or you can keep on doing what you're doing. If you maintain the status quo, you trade long-term authenticity for short-term peace. The only guarantee in carrying on in current mode is that you will grow increasingly miserable as you placate and manipulate to stay in the good graces of your wife - who becomes the only arbiter of your happiness.

You don't have to revolutionize your life overnight. But you have to start taking small steps. Have you explored buying "No More Mr. Nice Guy" yet. If not inclined to buy it, you might make yourself familiar with the No More Mr. Nice Guy forum (which can be found if you google it.) Until / unless you start taking steps to addressing the roots of your own problems will you be able to address the problems in the relationship. You can go on surviving meekly week-to-week, or you put yourself on the path to authenticity. Your call.
The preview that I read from NMMNG described me almost perfectly. I'm scared of the idea of authenticity, especially if my wife doesn't like who I am, the coming confrontation with her, how it will all play out. I'm going to look for some of the books at the library soon.

Over the past week, I increased communications, touching, and kissing. You are right - I am doing this so that she will be happier, and therefore I will be happier because we will not be fighting. I talked with her about Non-negotiable Unalterable Terms (NUT), and I shared that having a marriage with respect, talking, sex, no-name calling, no yelling, is my NUT for right now. She seemed to respect that.
DoesItGetBetter? is offline  
post #215 of 382 (permalink) Old 08-26-2019, 04:38 PM
Forum Supporter
 
3Xnocharm's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 9,410
Re: Unhappily Married Nine Years

Quote:
Originally Posted by DoesItGetBetter? View Post
I agree - I have been "sober" for over one week now, so I may ask for access to the computer again soon. What if she says no? Someone said that I should just buy a personal computer for myself if it comes down to it! I will just have to train myself to keep away from anything tempting online.
You dont ASK! She is NOT YOUR MOTHER! What if she says no... REALLY??

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
3Xnocharm is offline  
post #216 of 382 (permalink) Old 08-26-2019, 05:01 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: North Texas
Posts: 771
Re: Unhappily Married Nine Years

Quote:
Originally Posted by DoesItGetBetter? View Post
The preview that I read from NMMNG described me almost perfectly. I'm scared of the idea of authenticity, especially if my wife doesn't like who I am, the coming confrontation with her, how it will all play out. I'm going to look for some of the books at the library soon.

Over the past week, I increased communications, touching, and kissing. You are right - I am doing this so that she will be happier, and therefore I will be happier because we will not be fighting. I talked with her about Non-negotiable Unalterable Terms (NUT), and I shared that having a marriage with respect, talking, sex, no-name calling, no yelling, is my NUT for right now. She seemed to respect that.
Free downloads to NMMNG are relatively widely available online.

One thing to remember, this is your journey. You really have to let your actions do the talking. You clearly state what you are willing and unwilling to accept. You also set consequences for what will happen if your boundaries are violated. You become a predictable vending machine. She does "X" and "Y" will happen.

I get the fear about upending life's apple cart. But the path to authenticity requires an iterative process over time, not an overnight flash cut. You could always abandon ship mid-course and go back to being a wife-pleasing push-over. (Though I don't know why you would want that.) Remember,the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, hoping for a different result. Time to start your journey to self-improvement and let the chips fall where they may.
MarriedTex is offline  
post #217 of 382 (permalink) Old 08-26-2019, 05:57 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2016
Location: UK
Posts: 7,259
Re: Unhappily Married Nine Years

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marduk View Post
I believe it's a human condition to have doubts. I could be wrong. Wasn't Jesus supposed to have doubts?
Pretty sure He didn't no.
Diana7 is offline  
post #218 of 382 (permalink) Old 08-26-2019, 08:13 PM
Forum Supporter
 
Cynthia's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2014
Posts: 7,248
Re: Unhappily Married Nine Years

Quote:
Originally Posted by DoesItGetBetter? View Post
I agree - I have been "sober" for over one week now, so I may ask for access to the computer again soon. What if she says no? Someone said that I should just buy a personal computer for myself if it comes down to it! I will just have to train myself to keep away from anything tempting online.
Iím glad to hear that you have stopped the porn. I think you will need to have porn blocking software on your computer.

Since this is an area of contention in your marriage, it is something that you should speak to your wife about and come to a resolution together. She cannot dictate to you how you are to live your life, but you two are married and should always consider each other and seek to be loving in your interactions. You are not your wifeís boss and she isnít your boss. The two of you should work together to come to conclusions and resolve issues.

Your wife has been hurt by your porn usage and doesnít want you on the internet. She is trying to control her life, but in the process is being controlling of you. This is not healthy for either of you and should be discussed. How are you going to earn her trust and what can you do to freely use the internet without making her worried sick that you are lusting after other women rather than forsaking all others for her alone? That is something that the two of you should work on together. Maybe seek marriage counseling to work through that together? You donít want to feel like you are married to your mother and Iím pretty sure she doesnít want you to feel that way either. She does, however, want you to have eyes only for her and to be trustworthy. But you have to prove that on your own by being trustworthy rather than by her trying to control the situation to keep you in line so she feels safe.

The No More Mr. Nice Guy book will clearly lay out a lot of what your issues are, but I think his prescription is highly self-serving and not geared towards relationship building. I think the first part of the book is very good, but the second half is mostly trash. NMMNG is not about working with a partner to resolve relationship issues, but to learn how to become more self-centered, which I believe is an unhealthy way to live. Read to seek understanding of the issues, but if you implement his recommendation, your marriage will likely fail. For example, Glover recommends stopping partnered sex to focus on masturbation in order to learn about yourself. If my husband were to do something like that, I would assume that my husband wasnít truly concerned with me or my needs and it would have profoundly negative consequences in our marriage.

Quote:
Originally Posted by DoesItGetBetter? View Post
Yes, I have a phone with internet connection, but it is work-related, restricted to only safe sites.
How were viewing porn if you donít use your phone and donít have a home computer to use?


To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
For more on my marriage philosophies check out the marriage section of my website:

To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.


Standard Evidence Thread:
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
Cynthia is online now  
post #219 of 382 (permalink) Old 08-27-2019, 04:21 AM
Member
 
AliceA's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 2,158
Re: Unhappily Married Nine Years

Quote:
Originally Posted by DoesItGetBetter? View Post
I agree - I have been "sober" for over one week now, so I may ask for access to the computer again soon. What if she says no? Someone said that I should just buy a personal computer for myself if it comes down to it! I will just have to train myself to keep away from anything tempting online.
I'm sorry to jump in here, but I have gathered from your posts that your wife has a rather traditional view of marriage where she expects you to be the leader in the household. In regards to asking her for access to the computer, I do not think your wife would respect this approach.

Personally, I prefer to see a marriage as an equal partnership, and even with this view, I would not be asking for access to my computer, I would be stating that this is what was going to happen. While I will accept and consider reasonable requests, I will not accept being treated like a child.

She has made a reasonable request that you stop using porn. From that point it was up to you to stop, not up to her to force it.

You seem cowed because of her temper. There is a point where you will need to start asserting yourself more, as other people have already said.

I have to wonder if part of your loss of faith in your religion is because you do not feel like you fit the mould of the traditional patriarch. Your wife seems to have become the head of the household despite her religion that says she should be subservient. How does she reconcile this? Maybe feeling like she has to be the boss (I'm not saying this is fair, if that's what she feels) and take control is what is really getting under her skin. I might be totally off base since I'm not religious myself.
AliceA is offline  
post #220 of 382 (permalink) Old 08-27-2019, 06:43 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
DoesItGetBetter?'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 120
Re: Unhappily Married Nine Years

Quote:
Originally Posted by MarriedTex View Post
Free downloads to NMMNG are relatively widely available online.

One thing to remember, this is your journey. You really have to let your actions do the talking. You clearly state what you are willing and unwilling to accept. You also set consequences for what will happen if your boundaries are violated. You become a predictable vending machine. She does "X" and "Y" will happen.

I get the fear about upending life's apple cart. But the path to authenticity requires an iterative process over time, not an overnight flash cut. You could always abandon ship mid-course and go back to being a wife-pleasing push-over. (Though I don't know why you would want that.) Remember,the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over, hoping for a different result. Time to start your journey to self-improvement and let the chips fall where they may.
I got a CD of NMMNG from the library and am listening to it. The author seems to be writing about my exact situation! I get why you recommended it - bravo. I'm going to ease my way into any changes. My wife already suspects something is up with me. I need to hear what the author proposes be done about the Nice Guy Syndrome.

DoesItGetBetter? is offline  
post #221 of 382 (permalink) Old 08-27-2019, 06:56 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
DoesItGetBetter?'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 120
Re: Unhappily Married Nine Years

Quote:
Originally Posted by CynthiaDe View Post
Iím glad to hear that you have stopped the porn. I think you will need to have porn blocking software on your computer.

Since this is an area of contention in your marriage, it is something that you should speak to your wife about and come to a resolution together. She cannot dictate to you how you are to live your life, but you two are married and should always consider each other and seek to be loving in your interactions. You are not your wifeís boss and she isnít your boss. The two of you should work together to come to conclusions and resolve issues.

Your wife has been hurt by your porn usage and doesnít want you on the internet. She is trying to control her life, but in the process is being controlling of you. This is not healthy for either of you and should be discussed. How are you going to earn her trust and what can you do to freely use the internet without making her worried sick that you are lusting after other women rather than forsaking all others for her alone? That is something that the two of you should work on together. Maybe seek marriage counseling to work through that together? You donít want to feel like you are married to your mother and Iím pretty sure she doesnít want you to feel that way either. She does, however, want you to have eyes only for her and to be trustworthy. But you have to prove that on your own by being trustworthy rather than by her trying to control the situation to keep you in line so she feels safe.

The No More Mr. Nice Guy book will clearly lay out a lot of what your issues are, but I think his prescription is highly self-serving and not geared towards relationship building. I think the first part of the book is very good, but the second half is mostly trash. NMMNG is not about working with a partner to resolve relationship issues, but to learn how to become more self-centered, which I believe is an unhealthy way to live. Read to seek understanding of the issues, but if you implement his recommendation, your marriage will likely fail. For example, Glover recommends stopping partnered sex to focus on masturbation in order to learn about yourself. If my husband were to do something like that, I would assume that my husband wasnít truly concerned with me or my needs and it would have profoundly negative consequences in our marriage.

How were viewing porn if you donít use your phone and donít have a home computer to use?
Thank you - many good points. I mainly use my phone to browse a social media website that has a little of it, buried. On rare occasion, I use a computer in the home that she does not know can access any website. Honestly, I would like to just be done with it and have full transparency with my wife. However, sometimes we fight and withhold sex, and then especially I want/need an outlet... thus my predicament.
DoesItGetBetter? is offline  
post #222 of 382 (permalink) Old 08-27-2019, 07:11 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
DoesItGetBetter?'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 120
Re: Unhappily Married Nine Years

Quote:
Originally Posted by AliceA View Post
I'm sorry to jump in here, but I have gathered from your posts that your wife has a rather traditional view of marriage where she expects you to be the leader in the household. In regards to asking her for access to the computer, I do not think your wife would respect this approach.

Personally, I prefer to see a marriage as an equal partnership, and even with this view, I would not be asking for access to my computer, I would be stating that this is what was going to happen. While I will accept and consider reasonable requests, I will not accept being treated like a child.

She has made a reasonable request that you stop using porn. From that point it was up to you to stop, not up to her to force it.

You seem cowed because of her temper. There is a point where you will need to start asserting yourself more, as other people have already said.

I have to wonder if part of your loss of faith in your religion is because you do not feel like you fit the mould of the traditional patriarch. Your wife seems to have become the head of the household despite her religion that says she should be subservient. How does she reconcile this? Maybe feeling like she has to be the boss (I'm not saying this is fair, if that's what she feels) and take control is what is really getting under her skin. I might be totally off base since I'm not religious myself.
Yes, my wife has a very traditional view of marriage and expects me to be the leader. I agree with you that she is irked that I don't lead how she wants me to.

I will most likely be demanding unrestricted use of the computer soon, which will inevitably lead to an epic fight and how terrible of a man I am for having looked at other women in the past. I will likely swear off it, only to glance there again in weakness, hiding my shame from her. Maybe if my wife and I had a good relationship, I would not be so tempted by videos, but when we fight and withhold sex they are very alluring to me. I'm listening to No More Mr. Nice Guy, which I hope will help me realize that I have been trying to please her and hide anything that she does not approve of, only to leave me unfulfilled, unhappy, and still in a difficult marriage.
DoesItGetBetter? is offline  
post #223 of 382 (permalink) Old 08-27-2019, 07:19 AM
Moderator
 
farsidejunky's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 11,648
Re: Unhappily Married Nine Years

Your relationship status is not the reason for porn use.

Your wife's disappointment with you is not the reason for porn use.

Your choices are the reason for porn use...your need to escape and run from confrontation rather than accepting it as a natural, necessary part of life.

When you embrace and confront reality, your need to escape it will diminish.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk

"Our ability to feel joy is directly related to how much pain we are willing to feel." - Mavash.

"The truth is, everyone is going to hurt you. You just got to find the ones worth suffering for." - Bob Marley
farsidejunky is offline  
post #224 of 382 (permalink) Old 08-27-2019, 07:30 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
DoesItGetBetter?'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2019
Posts: 120
Re: Unhappily Married Nine Years

Quote:
Originally Posted by farsidejunky View Post
Your relationship status is not the reason for porn use.

Your wife's disappointment with you is not the reason for porn use.

Your choices are the reason for porn use...your need to escape and run from confrontation rather than accepting it as a natural, necessary part of life.

When you embrace and confront reality, your need to escape it will diminish.

Sent from my Pixel 3 XL using Tapatalk
True - I viewed it before and after marriage, during good times and bad. Could you please expound on what exactly I need to confront?
DoesItGetBetter? is offline  
post #225 of 382 (permalink) Old 08-27-2019, 07:33 AM
Member
 
aine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Away and beyond in a hot place
Posts: 5,380
Re: Unhappily Married Nine Years

I am a bit late to this party and I like @elles comments in particular.

You are both young and at this stage is marriage it is sometimes tough even when you are on the same page. The 'seven year itch' was not coined for nothing!

You do not spend/invest enough time in each other in terms of dates, one on one, etc.
You pulled a bait and switch, she married a devout Christian and is now lumbered with a porn watching, alcohol drinking, part time church goer, so yes she has lots to complain about.
In addition you have three kids who need a leader, she cannot do it alone.
The thing you have to remember is that your wife is frustrated, filled with resentment hence leading to the disrespectful belittling of you which is a vicious cycle.

I think this is fixable if you both do the work. You should both listen to Dr Eggerrich Love and Respect Podcasts. Your wife needs to know she cannot control you, and can only take care of her side of the road. Ask her to talk to a women's group about this and perhaps read the Respect Dare.
As for you, you need to shape up, you could lose your family. if you are having a crisis of faith go join a man's accountability group of similar group. You should read the Love Dare

The life you have, is the life you create
aine is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Tags
argue, critical, disagree, religion, unhappy

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in










Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome