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post #1 of 21 (permalink) Old 08-27-2019, 06:33 PM Thread Starter
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Vicious circle

Hello, I'm a 42 years old male, married for 8 years now and we have a 5 years old son. Found this forum while searching the title "unhappy marriage" and read some articles here. So I decided to write my story, perhaps I can find a way to refresh the thing lost.
2 years ago, she got a job she loves near our house, it was a nice transition and I supported her all the way. The problem is the work hours, from here it's all ascending. I'm doing all my best to compensate at all steps especially with our son, going to all his events even if I have a full schedule I work I would skip the day, bringing him back home from the after school, cleaning around the house and even cooking as it's a hobby I like so she can come back and find decent food, not the junk food we have to order. Our intimate life has become minimum to none. She comes in, we dine, small talks and she goes right to sleep early. I talked to her and explained many times about this vicious circle we're living, she says I'll do more, but nothing really happens. Last week she asked me if she's neglecting us too much because she saw how our son was so attached to me and wanting me only to be with him, my response was: you're neglecting your son, you don't even try to play with him or even ask how was his day! She promised that night to play rock, scissor, paper his favorite game, she came back, nagged a bit and took a shower and slept. I'm doing my best to chear her up and revive whaf I think is missing, a night out, a date, a weekend at dome resort or some chalet away from the city, nothing happens. I'm a very active person, I like adventures and vibrant life but she does not cope with any of this. Lonliness is all I have especially at night. I don't cheat and my friends are numbered and even if they wanted to do something, we do it here at my place so she could share. I'm really thinking about leaving but I can't. My parents are divorced and I know the feeling of what it could do on our son. I do not want him to experience it. I'm really trying...

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post #2 of 21 (permalink) Old 08-28-2019, 04:19 PM
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Re: Vicious circle

@Machlomkha She has to do some stuff, too, or it isn't going to work.

Would counselling be an option to explore?


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post #3 of 21 (permalink) Old 08-28-2019, 05:06 PM
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Re: Vicious circle

What are her work hours? Do you work full time? It seems like she is just tired right? Because she’s not spending her time doing anything else?
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post #4 of 21 (permalink) Old 08-28-2019, 11:46 PM
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Re: Vicious circle

From your post, albeit brief, I surmise you are “just married”, if you catch my pun. I am in the process of reading a very good book, one which the two of you may want to consider reading Passionate Marriage by David Schnarch, PhD. You both in my view appear to have issues very similar to the couple in chapter two of the book. The theme of the book is keeping love and intimacy alive in your relationship.

Secondly, find a good marriage counselor. I think with a several sessions and hard work on each of your parts, you can improve your relationship.

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post #5 of 21 (permalink) Old 08-29-2019, 11:13 AM Thread Starter
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@Machlomkha She has to do some stuff, too, or it isn't going to work.

Would counselling be an option to explore?
Yes @MattMatt, I did suggest counselling but she refused. I went first to ask and get more information about what if the problem could be in me, she asked to see us both. I was a bit depressed myself and got some therapy with positive thinking and mood pills, nothing addictive for a little time. I was very open and told her what I was doing and why.
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post #6 of 21 (permalink) Old 08-29-2019, 11:32 AM Thread Starter
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What are her work hours? Do you work full time? It seems like she is just tired right? Because she’s not spending her time doing anything else?
@Girl_power, I work full time but money was never an issue. She can choose to stay at home if she wants. She works around 75-78 hours weekly as she wants a career of her own and I fully support and endorse that. I understand that she is definitly tired, that's why I'm helping out in everything I can. She wants to become a partner but on the expense of everything else. The thing that made me reach out and write her is on that night while discussing some stuff, she said "my money", I rechecked and asked how, she insisted on the answer, a new vocabulary which she never used before. I'm the main provider in everything even in our joint account.
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post #7 of 21 (permalink) Old 08-29-2019, 11:37 AM
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Re: Vicious circle

Quote:
Originally Posted by Machlomkha View Post
Yes @MattMatt, I did suggest counselling but she refused. I went first to ask and get more information about what if the problem could be in me, she asked to see us both. I was a bit depressed myself and got some therapy with positive thinking and mood pills, nothing addictive for a little time. I was very open and told her what I was doing and why.
What other options are open to you, do you think?


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post #8 of 21 (permalink) Old 08-29-2019, 11:40 AM
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Re: Vicious circle

What were her reasons for not wanting to do counseling?
Have you flat out told her that she is gaining her career and losing her family?
She will then be a partner, without you as a partner.
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post #9 of 21 (permalink) Old 08-29-2019, 11:48 AM
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Re: Vicious circle

what is this "my money"? that is bull crap i hope you fix that right away...also you might want to tell her that is breaking at marriage and family worth partnership? in essense it comes down to priorities...what are her's
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post #10 of 21 (permalink) Old 08-29-2019, 12:28 PM
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Re: Vicious circle

Guys, come on, you know what is going on.

Why doesn't someone just say it???

I am not doing it this time...

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post #11 of 21 (permalink) Old 08-29-2019, 12:53 PM
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Re: Vicious circle

Do you think she has "other distractions" at work that make this job so special and time consuming for her ?

What is she like with her phone when she is at home ?

Has your sex life taken a serious hit ?

This is my quest, to follow that star
No matter how hopeless, no matter how far
To fight for the right, without question or pause
To be willing to march into Hell, for a Heavenly cause
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post #12 of 21 (permalink) Old 08-29-2019, 04:56 PM
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Re: Vicious circle

Quote:
Originally Posted by Machlomkha View Post
She works around 75-78 hours weekly as she wants a career of her own
I've got some friends where one spouse works 75-100 hours a week. Because of that and knowing the dynamics of that marriage, I honestly have no advice.

I just remember talking to these friends one day and I could not fathom the idea that one wanted kids no matter what, just for one person to not be alone year after year. Now that they have two kids, they claim everything is great. Makes no sense to me....
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post #13 of 21 (permalink) Old 08-30-2019, 05:06 AM
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Re: Vicious circle

Quote:
Originally Posted by Machlomkha View Post
Hello, I'm a 42 years old male, married for 8 years now and we have a 5 years old son. Found this forum while searching the title "unhappy marriage" and read some articles here. So I decided to write my story, perhaps I can find a way to refresh the thing lost.
2 years ago, she got a job she loves near our house, it was a nice transition and I supported her all the way. The problem is the work hours, from here it's all ascending. I'm doing all my best to compensate at all steps especially with our son, going to all his events even if I have a full schedule I work I would skip the day, bringing him back home from the after school, cleaning around the house and even cooking as it's a hobby I like so she can come back and find decent food, not the junk food we have to order. Our intimate life has become minimum to none. She comes in, we dine, small talks and she goes right to sleep early. I talked to her and explained many times about this vicious circle we're living, she says I'll do more, but nothing really happens. Last week she asked me if she's neglecting us too much because she saw how our son was so attached to me and wanting me only to be with him, my response was: you're neglecting your son, you don't even try to play with him or even ask how was his day! She promised that night to play rock, scissor, paper his favorite game, she came back, nagged a bit and took a shower and slept. I'm doing my best to chear her up and revive whaf I think is missing, a night out, a date, a weekend at dome resort or some chalet away from the city, nothing happens. I'm a very active person, I like adventures and vibrant life but she does not cope with any of this. Lonliness is all I have especially at night. I don't cheat and my friends are numbered and even if they wanted to do something, we do it here at my place so she could share. I'm really thinking about leaving but I can't. My parents are divorced and I know the feeling of what it could do on our son. I do not want him to experience it. I'm really trying...
She doesn't seem to rank the family/kid on the top of her list. The son comes 2nd to her as she's focused on her career now.
Let's not mention the marriage, which to her is 3rd or 4th to her.

I think you need to be having a serious talk about priorities and the balance work-family-life. Choose a moment during the weekend, when you know she won't work. Tell her you gotta talk and you want her to be fully concentrated on that quality time with you.
it'd be better if the son wasn't around so that you can really talk calmly without distractions.

sokillme: *People cheat because of their nature, not because of their circumstance.*
Davelli0331: If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.
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post #14 of 21 (permalink) Old 08-30-2019, 04:20 PM
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Re: Vicious circle

OP, you just described what it's always been like for the overwhelming majority of working WOMEN.

Welcome to life as a pack mule. It's not so much fun, is it?

If you ever figure out the miracle resolution for how to get a self-entitled spouse who thinks they're above doing their FAIR SHARE of the work domestically, please let me know. That's a mystery I have yet to see solved in my lifetime.

Once you start seeing your worth, you'll find it harder to stay around people who don't.
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post #15 of 21 (permalink) Old 09-05-2019, 10:09 AM Thread Starter
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Originally Posted by BluesPower View Post
Guys, come on, you know what is going on.

Why doesn't someone just say it???

I am not doing it this time...
@BluesPower, it's much worse than infedility, it's MONEY.
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