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post #61 of 75 (permalink) Old 09-03-2019, 03:42 AM
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Re: Why hidden pics of ex? Sigh.

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So I'm completely sure that one looks at them when they're not fully satisfied with their current relationship/marriage.
I don't agree... he obviously liked his girlfriends very much and found them hot, so he get pleasure from looking at their bodies from time to time. It's a nice feeling for him, maybe with a hint of nostalgia for when he was younger... it doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't value his present relationship. It's a very personal thing. It's part of who you are.

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post #62 of 75 (permalink) Old 09-03-2019, 07:28 AM
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Re: Why hidden pics of ex? Sigh.

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I don't agree... he obviously liked his girlfriends very much and found them hot, so he get pleasure from looking at their bodies from time to time. It's a nice feeling for him, maybe with a hint of nostalgia for when he was younger... it doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't value his present relationship. It's a very personal thing. It's part of who you are.
Your take on the 'Incredibly Worried about...' thread would be interesting.

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post #63 of 75 (permalink) Old 09-03-2019, 07:49 AM
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Re: Why hidden pics of ex? Sigh.

Of course you're upset. That is understandable.
This was a case of jaywalking, not a major cheat or anything else.

Yes, he's less than perfect and he probably wondered off into thoughts about her.
Think of the life they had together. It's not like he can erase all that, or that he has forgotten it all.

He wandered off, briefly, probably in some fantasy about them and what they were.
Then, that was it. Anyone who was in that kind of relationship had fond things to recall.

This is no worse than some one off access to watching porn. There was nothing interactive or that involved a personal exchange.

Leave it at that. Drop the whole thing. Don't go any further either way.
You know nothing, he knows nothing. Just let it vanish.
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post #64 of 75 (permalink) Old 09-03-2019, 07:57 AM
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Re: Why hidden pics of ex? Sigh.

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Originally Posted by Blondilocks View Post
Your take on the 'Incredibly Worried about...' thread would be interesting.
There's nothing interesting to say about that thread. The man is conditioned by his past and is insecure. I wouldn't have a problem with it. It's a typical UK's tradition having a stripper at a hen party... the girls have some fun, have a few drinks, lick the stripper's ass... So what? It was 8 years ago. I can't believe people are telling him not to marry her when she's been so supportive to him.
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post #65 of 75 (permalink) Old 09-03-2019, 08:23 AM
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Re: Why hidden pics of ex? Sigh.

When i was young, before emails and pictures, there were letters, i was a letter writer, i wore letters to friends, girlfriends at the time and ex lovers...words mattered, they did to me at least...when i got married i put those letters away, and sure some were extremely intimate....one day my wife found several of them and thought i should have destroyed them, while i complied, i was both angry and sad at the same time, granted they were my past but to deny your past is to deny who you are who you have become....i regret throwing them out, by her telling me to get rid of them made me think more of letters and their content then just leaving them where they were...so that maybe my future self when i am too old to remember could read them one day and think back of the younger me...now i understand we are talking about pictures of former ex and lovers, but to force someone to destroy them because you are not comfortable with them will only make him think about them more. And on some level create resentment towards you.
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post #66 of 75 (permalink) Old 09-03-2019, 08:37 AM
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Re: Why hidden pics of ex? Sigh.

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And on some level create resentment towards you.
Absolutely. It's destroying part of yourself. If you are committed to the relationship and there are no apparent issues, I don't see the problem in keeping whatever...
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post #67 of 75 (permalink) Old 09-03-2019, 09:01 AM
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Re: Why hidden pics of ex? Sigh.

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Be careful when you try to excuse yourself for snooping. As much as it may seem inapropriate, you don't want him to shift the blame on you and let the snooping become the main focus of arguments.
Please, don't act as if snooping is worse than keeping hidden secrets of exes.
And No..., snooping does NOT destroy marriages ....at least not more than hiding stuff from SO.
There is snooping because there is hiding!!! So snooping is the consequence, not the cause.

You can simply say:
"I know you'll be mad at me for going throgh your stuff...but I had a feeling you were HIDING something.
Why are you still keeping pictures of your exes?......"

...then the rest follows. So say only 1 sentence for looking at his stuff (and DON'T use the word "snooping" .... then directly talk about the pictures.)

I know it may eat you inside...but try to be calm and collective, without making him feel as if he' s being interrogated by a police.
Give him the impression that it's still cool with you....but you're just curious.

😉
I snooped while I was dating my husband. I admitted to it and I am glad that I did. He kept saying "she's just a friend" which derailed every conversation before I had the facts and the details. "Yes, but you treat her better than you treat me. So what does that make me......."

If you did not have the facts at hand, your partner would just deny everything and you would not have a productive discussion.

A lot of people, in cyberspace anyway, push this "trust card." Since we were talking about a long gone poster in another active thread, I'll just mention it was Entropy3000 who said (paraphrasing) "instead of worrying about trusting someone, we should be considering how trustworthy they are behaving." If your partner tries to make snooping the real sin here, imagine what the future will look like. Here in this community, transparency is what is advocated. If you two are married or living together and have agreed to be exclusive (let's not assume anything), then you should have access to all his accounts.
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post #68 of 75 (permalink) Old 09-03-2019, 09:08 AM
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Re: Why hidden pics of ex? Sigh.

I would be more worried about your snooping than his pics. You have an issue.
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post #69 of 75 (permalink) Old 09-03-2019, 09:11 AM
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Re: Why hidden pics of ex? Sigh.

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I snooped while I was dating my husband. I admitted to it and I am glad that I did. He kept saying "she's just a friend" which derailed every conversation before I had the facts and the details. "Yes, but you treat her better than you treat me. So what does that make me......."
Yeah, I remember your story and I've always thought you did the right thing!!!

Quote:
If you did not have the facts at hand, your partner would just deny everything and you would not have a productive discussion.
'Xactly!!

Quote:
A lot of people, in cyberspace anyway, push this "trust card." Since we were talking about a long gone poster in another active thread, I'll just mention it was Entropy3000 who said (paraphrasing)
Entropy..... I miss him so much!!

Quote:
"instead of worrying about trusting someone, we should be considering how trustworthy they are behaving."
I wish I could quote this in my signature, but the limit doesn't allow me.
True true true words!!!!

Quote:
If your partner tries to make snooping the real sin here, imagine what the future will look like. Here in this community, transparency is what is advocated.


DEFINITELY!!


Quote:
If you two are married or living together and have agreed to be exclusive (let's not assume anything), then you should have access to all his accounts.
I never understood what's the big deal about passwords and stuff. (Unless it's your personal bank account) then any other shared account or social media or whatever...should be open to one-another.
If you've got nothing to hide, why bother??

sokillme: *People cheat because of their nature, not because of their circumstance.*
Davelli0331: If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.
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post #70 of 75 (permalink) Old 09-03-2019, 09:12 AM
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Re: Why hidden pics of ex? Sigh.

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Originally Posted by bkyln309 View Post
I would be more worried about your snooping than his pics. You have an issue.
For a second I thought you were OP's partner.....

...until I saw your post-count.


sokillme: *People cheat because of their nature, not because of their circumstance.*
Davelli0331: If a GNO, or alcohol, or an attractive coworker, or a past flame on FB were all that were needed for someone to cheat, then I think that person had that defect in their integrity all along. All they ever lacked was the opportunity to act on their lack of integrity and the circumstances required to rationalize it to themselves.
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post #71 of 75 (permalink) Old 09-03-2019, 09:14 AM
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Re: Why hidden pics of ex? Sigh.

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I would be more worried about your snooping than his pics. You have an issue.
That just means that LovelyGirl is not right for you.
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post #72 of 75 (permalink) Old 09-03-2019, 10:41 AM
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Re: Why hidden pics of ex? Sigh.

The wedding vow to 'forsake all others' does not contain caveats i.e. unless you were previously intimate with them or unless you want to be intimate with them but know that you don't have a snowball's chance in hell or unless you are currently intimate with others and have no intention of giving them up.

These people were in the past and the current partner is the present and the future. It's hard to be truly present when you keep the past alive and well and keep dragging it into the future. You're either all in or you're not.

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post #73 of 75 (permalink) Old 09-03-2019, 11:20 AM
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Re: Why hidden pics of ex? Sigh.

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Originally Posted by Blondilocks View Post

These people were in the past and the current partner is the present and the future. It's hard to be truly present when you keep the past alive and well and keep dragging it into the future. You're either all in or you're not.
So, you are saying she should divorce him?
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post #74 of 75 (permalink) Old 09-03-2019, 11:22 AM
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Re: Why hidden pics of ex? Sigh.

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So, you are saying she should divorce him?
No. Geez, did you just pull this out of your ass?

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post #75 of 75 (permalink) Old 09-03-2019, 11:27 AM
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Re: Why hidden pics of ex? Sigh.

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No. Geez, did you just pull this out of your ass?
Probably... what are you suggesting, then?
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