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post #16 of 68 (permalink) Old 10-14-2019, 04:26 PM
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Re: Young in love, but conflicted.

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So the kicker is, I pretty much do 85% of the finance. Vacations, car loans, nights out, everything comes from me.
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When my Wife gets behind I help her out. And just recently I had to help her with a couple thousand dollars. (My wife is not good with money and we are working on that.)
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I asked my wife to please come home early that night because I think she lacks on her responsibilities in the house.
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My wife says I am not her father and have no ground to stand on when it comes to how late she stays out. I some what agree but if I’m financially supporting her (my wife has and good job with ok pay) and help her when she’s behind so I have a say in her curfew? Am I being too overly controlling?
You have every right to object to what your wife is doing. Part of the problem is most likely the words you use and what looks like you trying to enforce rules as though you are the father of a defiant teen and then you are whining about it. There is a lot that you need to change. She needs to change if this marriage is going to work, but you do too.

You sound like you are acting like her father and are being punitive. You two are equal partners. You are not the boss. If you are saying these things to your wife, you are helping to create an environment that will get her to become defiant.

It’s not your place to set a curfew for your wife. You are not her father.

She “lacks on her responsibilities in the house”? That sounds like you are the father who is disciplining a teen who is not cleaning her room.

Why do the two of you have separate finances? Why are there her bills and your bills? In marriage all income belongs to both spouses, all bills are the responsibility of both spouses. That fact that you earn more and pay more on bills does not give you more rights or control over her. That’s just wrong think.

Your stance should be that you have boundaries. Try this:

  • “I will not be stay married to a woman who goes out partying without me on a regular basis.”
  • “I will not remain married to a woman who is irresponsible with finances.”
  • “I will not remain married to a woman who does not take 50% responsibility for all household chores.”
Boundaries are about you. They are not about her. A boundary is what you will and will not live with. They are no an attempt to control her. Instead they state what you will allow in your life and your marriage.

First off, you seem to have no idea what a marriage should look like. You have no idea who a married couple should run their finances. So I’m suggesting some books that will help you learn this. After you read them and learn these things you can ask her to read them and work on these things with you.

Smart Couples Finish Rich, Revised and Updated: 9 Steps to Creating a Rich Future for You and Your Partner

I like everything about this above book except that it leaves one thing out. Basically, it says that a couple needs to have joint finances. That you pay yourself first. That means that you put 10%-20% of every paycheck into savings (401K’s or regular savings), then you pay all the bills, and after that you both can spend anything left over however you like. The thing that I would add is that after you pay all the bills, you split the discretionary income 50/50 so that each of you have the same amount of money to spend. And neither of you need to explain to the other how their share of the discretionary income is split.

My suggestion is that you two read the book and put that in place. And if there are still problems then seeks out a financial advisor to help teach the both of you.

Now for some books about what a good marriage looks like. From what you wrote, it sounds like the two of you spend no time dating. That’s completely unacceptable and leads to the type of problems you are having. To keep a strong, passionate relationship, you two need to spend at a minimum 15 hours a week together in quality time, just the two of you with no one else, not even children.

The books are:

“Love Busters” and “His Needs, Her Needs”. Read “Love Busters” first. You both have to stop love busting. These are things like her going out with that friend and your saying the types of things you said here. Then, after you two stop doing the things that hurt your relationship you can do the things to identify both of your needs and meeting those needs.


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Last edited by EleGirl; 10-14-2019 at 04:31 PM.
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post #17 of 68 (permalink) Old 10-14-2019, 04:46 PM
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Re: Young in love, but conflicted.

Does your wife work full time?

I don’t think her going out to her friends house and staying out late is anything to get upset over. And putting a curfew on your wife is controlling.
Stop giving her money like a child and stop paying her bills like a child, and stop giving her curfews like a child.
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post #18 of 68 (permalink) Old 10-14-2019, 05:47 PM Thread Starter
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I’ve bin told our finances are out of wack but they have always in like that because she spends money and doesn’t budget well and couldn’t be trusted to have access to that kind of money. She asked for it because she was having a hard time. I’ve always. I’m good with money and budgeting for stuff for us to do, vacations, out to eat ext. Besides he school loans she only pays two house bills. As for responsibilities, I take care of outside work, anything with the cars, anything with the house, we share cooking and taking care of the girls. She does a little more because I’m not home when the girls wake up. I have to do a little motivating when the house needs to be cleaned or laundry needs to be done, and I help her with it. I know she can’t help me with what I need to take care of but I don’t expect her too. I hate to use the word curfew and I know it sounds exactly like a curfew but should a married women act like this, can I ask her to take more a lead on making sure the house is cleaned and the laundry is done? Can I tell her I don’t think it’s a good idea to go out when the house is a mess? Should I be able to say it as a husband?
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post #19 of 68 (permalink) Old 10-14-2019, 06:01 PM
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Re: Young in love, but conflicted.

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I’ve bin told our finances are out of wack but they have always in like that because she spends money and doesn’t budget well and couldn’t be trusted to have access to that kind of money. She asked for it because she was having a hard time. I’ve always. I’m good with money and budgeting for stuff for us to do, vacations, out to eat ext. Besides he school loans she only pays two house bills. As for responsibilities, I take care of outside work, anything with the cars, anything with the house, we share cooking and taking care of the girls. She does a little more because I’m not home when the girls wake up. I have to do a little motivating when the house needs to be cleaned or laundry needs to be done, and I help her with it. I know she can’t help me with what I need to take care of but I don’t expect her too. I hate to use the word curfew and I know it sounds exactly like a curfew but should a married women act like this, can I ask her to take more a lead on making sure the house is cleaned and the laundry is done? Can I tell her I don’t think it’s a good idea to go out when the house is a mess? Should I be able to say it as a husband?
Interesting. Why do you have low self esteem and undervalue yourself? Does she have a full time job?

The point being made is not that "curfew" is an insult towards you, it is the fact you are parenting an adult. Yes, it is perfectly fine to be upset at bar hopping, staying out until 2am, not helping around the house, lying about where she is at and having a toxic friend.
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post #20 of 68 (permalink) Old 10-14-2019, 06:23 PM Thread Starter
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post #21 of 68 (permalink) Old 10-14-2019, 06:40 PM
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Re: Young in love, but conflicted.

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Yes she has a full time job.
Do you have a full time job?
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post #22 of 68 (permalink) Old 10-14-2019, 06:54 PM Thread Starter
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post #23 of 68 (permalink) Old 10-14-2019, 07:59 PM
 
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Re: Young in love, but conflicted.

Read this: https://dadstartingover.com/how-to-c...wife-cheating/


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post #24 of 68 (permalink) Old 10-15-2019, 12:18 PM
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Re: Young in love, but conflicted.

Get the book No More Mr Nice Guy. She is dissing you because she lost respect for you. She lost respect for you because you have turned yourself into her servant, in action and in status.
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post #25 of 68 (permalink) Old 10-15-2019, 01:16 PM
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Re: Young in love, but conflicted.

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Does your wife work full time?

I don’t think her going out to her friends house and staying out late is anything to get upset over. And putting a curfew on your wife is controlling.
Stop giving her money like a child and stop paying her bills like a child, and stop giving her curfews like a child.
Disagree 100% that he is being controlling. She is completely out of line for a married woman. I dont necessarily think she is out cheating, but her behavior for sure is not appropriate. How would she feel if the tables were turned and it was OP staying out til all hours with a buddy, wasting way too much money and neglecting things at home?? Wifey has a choice to make, she either loses the toxic friend, or her family.


Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #26 of 68 (permalink) Old 10-15-2019, 02:07 PM
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Re: Young in love, but conflicted.

It just freaks me out on how many there are of these guys are out there. To sit there and watch and let a woman run all over them abuse them financially and of course cheating on them physically and emotionally just amazes me. “I’m afraid of what I’ll find out” wow.! Because without a doubt you do know the truth.! that’s why you’re here right.? Your wife is a no good cheater and a very broken woman. you’re just afraid to face it because you’re afraid of losing her.? And you’re fully aware that that older woman is no good and has had a major negative influence on your cheating wife.! She is a divorce woman. I bet if you looked into it you would probably find out why she is divorced because she cheated on her husband. You know for a fact that woman is not a friend of your marriage and that you need to remove her and her negative influence out of your marriage. Unfortunately It might be too late.

Look buddy your wife’s going to ruin your whole family if you don’t stand up and do something about it OK forget about losing cheating wife, you don’t know it yet but that’s going to be the biggest gift you ever received by losing her. If you don’t pull your head out of your ass stand up and be a man and take charge of your family and put a stop to this she’s take The whole family down your kids and you.! If you can’t do it for yourself then at least do it for your kids. Good luck we’re here to support you.

Spartans lay down your weapons.! "Persian come and get them"

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post #27 of 68 (permalink) Old 10-15-2019, 03:10 PM
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Re: Young in love, but conflicted.

Every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. And every spouse has an obligation to conduct themselves in a way that is not suspicious.

Turning off the location, staying out late, socializing with a single woman at bars late at night, calling you controlling because she's not acting like a married woman is a big fail on the part of your wife. You are 50% responsible for marriage problems - but she is 100% responsible for her decision to act like a single woman.

You asked nicely - and she said NO.
This is a huge red flag.

You need to focus and evaluate her based on her actual behavior (not who you think she is or because she's a great mom).

I can't tell you how many betrayed spouses said: nope a PA is impossible - not my wife (or not my husband). People in affairs typically act very different sexually than with their spouse - and YES it's contrary to their long held beliefs.

The next step is for you to show zero tolerance for the girlfriend and your wife's behavior.
You must inform your wife that she can not control her and she can continue to live as a single woman - but not as your wife.

Your wife has to believe (really believe) that you will divorce her rather than tolerate her behavior.
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post #28 of 68 (permalink) Old 10-15-2019, 03:13 PM
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Re: Young in love, but conflicted.

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Every spouse has a right to feel safe from infidelity. And every spouse has an obligation to conduct themselves in a way that is not suspicious.
I absolutely LOVE this!

Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #29 of 68 (permalink) Old 10-15-2019, 03:19 PM
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Re: Young in love, but conflicted.

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Disagree 100% that he is being controlling. She is completely out of line for a married woman. I dont necessarily think she is out cheating, but her behavior for sure is not appropriate. How would she feel if the tables were turned and it was OP staying out til all hours with a buddy, wasting way too much money and neglecting things at home?? Wifey has a choice to make, she either loses the toxic friend, or her family.


We’re just going to disagree then. Having a girls night a couple times a month is not a crime. I’m pretty sure it’s important to have time with friends. Telling a spouse when they have to come home when they finally have get a couple days off to have fun is controlling. She isn’t doing it weekly. I understand that if she was partying in excess that would be inappropriate. But 2-3x a month is healthy.
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post #30 of 68 (permalink) Old 10-15-2019, 03:21 PM
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Re: Young in love, but conflicted.

Turning on and off the location is 100% wrong.
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