So the kicker is, I pretty much do 85% of the finance. Vacations, car loans, nights out, everything comes from me.
When my Wife gets behind I help her out. And just recently I had to help her with a couple thousand dollars. (My wife is not good with money and we are working on that.)
I asked my wife to please come home early that night because I think she lacks on her responsibilities in the house.
My wife says I am not her father and have no ground to stand on when it comes to how late she stays out. I some what agree but if I’m financially supporting her (my wife has and good job with ok pay) and help her when she’s behind so I have a say in her curfew? Am I being too overly controlling?
You have every right to object to what your wife is doing. Part of the problem is most likely the words you use and what looks like you trying to enforce rules as though you are the father of a defiant teen and then you are whining about it. There is a lot that you need to change. She needs to change if this marriage is going to work, but you do too.
You sound like you are acting like her father and are being punitive. You two are equal partners. You are not the boss. If you are saying these things to your wife, you are helping to create an environment that will get her to become defiant.
It’s not your place to set a curfew for your wife. You are not her father.
She “lacks on her responsibilities in the house”? That sounds like you are the father who is disciplining a teen who is not cleaning her room.
Why do the two of you have separate finances? Why are there her bills and your bills? In marriage all income belongs to both spouses, all bills are the responsibility of both spouses. That fact that you earn more and pay more on bills does not give you more rights or control over her. That’s just wrong think.
Your stance should be that you have boundaries. Try this:
- “I will not be stay married to a woman who goes out partying without me on a regular basis.”
- “I will not remain married to a woman who is irresponsible with finances.”
- “I will not remain married to a woman who does not take 50% responsibility for all household chores.”
Boundaries are about you. They are not about her. A boundary is what you will and will not live with. They are no an attempt to control her. Instead they state what you will allow in your life and your marriage.
First off, you seem to have no idea what a marriage should look like. You have no idea who a married couple should run their finances. So I’m suggesting some books that will help you learn this. After you read them and learn these things you can ask her to read them and work on these things with you. Smart Couples Finish Rich, Revised and Updated: 9 Steps to Creating a Rich Future for You and Your Partner
I like everything about this above book except that it leaves one thing out. Basically, it says that a couple needs to have joint finances. That you pay yourself first. That means that you put 10%-20% of every paycheck into savings (401K’s or regular savings), then you pay all the bills, and after that you both can spend anything left over however you like. The thing that I would add is that after you pay all the bills, you split the discretionary income 50/50 so that each of you have the same amount of money to spend. And neither of you need to explain to the other how their share of the discretionary income is split.
My suggestion is that you two read the book and put that in place. And if there are still problems then seeks out a financial advisor to help teach the both of you.
Now for some books about what a good marriage looks like. From what you wrote, it sounds like the two of you spend no time dating. That’s completely unacceptable and leads to the type of problems you are having. To keep a strong, passionate relationship, you two need to spend at a minimum 15 hours a week together in quality time, just the two of you with no one else, not even children.
The books are:
“Love Busters” and “His Needs, Her Needs”. Read “Love Busters” first. You both have to stop love busting. These are things like her going out with that friend and your saying the types of things you said here. Then, after you two stop doing the things that hurt your relationship you can do the things to identify both of your needs and meeting those needs.