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post #31 of 68 (permalink) Old 10-15-2019, 03:30 PM
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Re: Young in love, but conflicted.

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Originally Posted by Girl_power View Post
Weíre just going to disagree then. Having a girls night a couple times a month is not a crime. Iím pretty sure itís important to have time with friends. Telling a spouse when they have to come home when they finally have get a couple days off to have fun is controlling. She isnít doing it weekly. I understand that if she was partying in excess that would be inappropriate. But 2-3x a month is healthy.
I agree with being able to have girls' nights, absolutely. And guys' nights, too. I didnt see that he stated how often she goes out, I didnt see only 2-3 nights a month, I get the impression its more often then that. When she DOES go out, her priority should be being a responsible adult for her husband and kids. This means being where she says she will be, when she will be there and being back home when she says she will. If the husband was doing this, people would be all over him about neglecting his wife and kids.

If someone doesnt want to consider their partner, then they shouldnt have a partner.


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post #32 of 68 (permalink) Old 10-15-2019, 04:17 PM
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Your current situation is not headed in a good direction and you need to take action and lead. Women respect and respond to strength in men. That means self respect, strong boundaries / expectations and the confidence and courage to enforce them. Women may not “like” it when a man has boundaries and holds them accountable, but they respect it and are attracted to it. Women hate weakness in men. They don’t respect it and will act accordingly when they see it.
As important as marriage/family is, your dignity and integrity as a man is more important than the outcome of your marriage.
You need to stop being weak, and lay out appropriate boundaries for her. You need to explain that you expect your wife to act like a wife, not a single woman. You need to be specific about your expectations and boundaries. Don’t be a tyrant but insist on respect and full transparency from her. Do not allow behavior or situations that are irresponsible, deceptive or could potentially endanger your marriage. You’re not not trying control her, she can act however she wants. But if she wants to act like a single woman, be irresponsible or deceptive, she doesn’t get to do it while being married to you. Don’t get overly emotional, don’t argue, your boundaries are not up for debate. Don’t be angry, be kind, loving but non-reactive. You have to be strong and consistent.
Hopefully she comes around. This may or may not work out the way you want it to but the current situation won’t improve by itself, it will likely deteriorate if you don’t set clear boundaries now. Take action, nothing will happen that you can’t handle.
Please understand my assessment and advice is genuinely intended to help you, and it’s the truth. Use this resource, the people here want the best for you and want to support you.

Good luck
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post #33 of 68 (permalink) Old 10-15-2019, 04:31 PM
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Re: Young in love, but conflicted.

@Homebody75 how often does your wife do these late nights with her friend?

Also what exactly is bothering you the most? Are you scared she is going to cheat? You donít want to stay home and watch the kids while your wife is having fun? She is spending her $ in ways you donít approve? Do you not want your wife to go out and have fun without you? Is it the frequency of it? I donít really understand what exactly your upset about.
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post #34 of 68 (permalink) Old 10-15-2019, 04:33 PM
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Re: Young in love, but conflicted.

The OP just sounds controlling to me and completely disagrees with everything about her life choices. He follows her location, he wants at to give her a curfew, he doesnít think wives should be ďacting like thisĒ and she should be home cleaning instead, he doesnít approve of how she spends HER money...
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post #35 of 68 (permalink) Old 10-15-2019, 05:20 PM
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We’re only seen one side of the story, so there may be some controlling aspects that I don’t see. That said:

It’s not controlling to have an issue with his wife staying out at bars till the wee hours of the morning with a single friend (with location svcs turned off)

It’s not controlling to expect his wife to be responsible in communicating when she will be home and to follow through accordingly.

It’s not controlling for a husband and wife to have location services enabled so they can know where each other are if they need to/want to.

It’s not controlling for him to expect honesty and transparency from his wife when she’s out about where and who she’s with.
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post #36 of 68 (permalink) Old 10-15-2019, 06:06 PM
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Re: Young in love, but conflicted.

Look H75, I am asking these questions to get a better picture of your life. People tend to carry their own baggage in and will give advice without the entire picture.

Do you have separate bank accounts?
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post #37 of 68 (permalink) Old 10-15-2019, 07:01 PM Thread Starter
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Thank you all sooo much for the support and advice. My wife goes to the friends house once a week maybe every other week to watch shows together. She leaves when the kids are in bed and comes home about midnight. The money situation it’s part of me being controlling of it. I felt that if I’m making the extra money for us to do extra stuff with the kids or by ourself then I have an opinion to how it’s spent. So I feel it should spent on both of us. She doesn’t go out to a bar often, but when she does she stays out late. We talked last night that started one sided on my part, partly because she didn’t see anything wrong. It got a little heated then calmed down. She blames herself for the way I feel about her friend. It’s not the friends doing l, it’s just the way she acts around the friend. Even thought she never acted this way around other friends at all. She still insists that she can be friends with the girl and will be more transparent with what she’s doing. I still have my assumption about something else going on. I am currently looking into a spy app on the phone. I hate to say it but I’m going to have to a little slick for a while and have her think I’m ok with everything to see if something is going on. Yes we have separate bank accounts. She always had school loans since we’ve bin dating so I basically pick up the rest of the bills, including her new car. But it’s a family car. Her money goes to her bills and maybe 2 “house bills” or mutual bills. Everything else comes from me, vacations, nights out, party gifts, ext. but from a previous post, made me really rethink that, and I am working on changing our finances. I get girls nights, she has those. When she’s with me she always has her phone and I’ve never seen her go an hour with out checking her phone. But she does when I text her, specially with the friend. At 2 in the morning. I called her 5 times because it was another hour between texting me back and her location was off. I kind of lost my cool by then. Not on her but had enough of her out so late. What makes me nervous is that she never got mad at me for calling her 5 times in a row. Is she guilty about it doing something so didn’t want to get mad at me? I don’t know. I could be looking way to into this, at this point I don’t know what to think. So if anyone has recommendations on a iPhone spy app I’m all ears. And this place seems like a good place to get some ideas. Once again thank you all for your support and advice. Positive and negative, agreeing with me and disagreeing with me. Definitely a learning curve for me. And I’ll be honest, the disagreeing post makes me feel better, it makes it seem like it’s more me then her. But I still need to get to the bottom of this.
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post #38 of 68 (permalink) Old 10-15-2019, 07:05 PM Thread Starter
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Just to add one more question (like I haven’t asked enough), what if I show her this post. There is a good mix of opinions. Personally, I kind of the fence leaning towards no, but maybe if she see this many neutral party reactions it might change something.
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post #39 of 68 (permalink) Old 10-15-2019, 07:18 PM Thread Starter
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Sorry for the constant post, but what I did tell her last night, and I have told her many times, is how I look at our marriage. I see it as she is my number one. Everything I do affects her. I lay my head down next to her, I come home to her every night. There is not one person in the world that could be worth conflict between the two of us. Every decision I make, will change my way of life and hers. No matter what. The movie “The Vow” with Channing Tatum had one good line about a cheating spouse, “I’m not going to leave them for the one thing they have done wrong, I’m going to stay with them for all the things they have done right”.
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post #40 of 68 (permalink) Old 10-15-2019, 09:47 PM
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Re: Young in love, but conflicted.

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Originally Posted by Girl_power View Post
The OP just sounds controlling to me and completely disagrees with everything about her life choices. He follows her location, he wants at to give her a curfew, he doesnít think wives should be ďacting like thisĒ and she should be home cleaning instead, he doesnít approve of how she spends HER money...
Sorry but you are putting words into his mouth.
I don't think that wives should be acting the way she is either, its completely inappropriate. Oh and BTW its not HER money, its THEIR money, they are married.

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post #41 of 68 (permalink) Old 10-15-2019, 10:24 PM
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Re: Young in love, but conflicted.

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Just to add one more question (like I havenít asked enough), what if I show her this post. There is a good mix of opinions. Personally, I kind of the fence leaning towards no, but maybe if she see this many neutral party reactions it might change something.
NO do not do that. This is YOUR safe place to discuss this, and if things get worse, you will still be here to get advice/guidance and you probably do NOT want her to read that then...
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post #42 of 68 (permalink) Old 10-15-2019, 10:34 PM
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Re: Young in love, but conflicted.

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Originally Posted by Homebody75 View Post
Sorry for the constant post, but what I did tell her last night, and I have told her many times, is how I look at our marriage. I see it as she is my number one. Everything I do affects her. I lay my head down next to her, I come home to her every night. There is not one person in the world that could be worth conflict between the two of us. Every decision I make, will change my way of life and hers. No matter what. The movie ďThe VowĒ with Channing Tatum had one good line about a cheating spouse, ďIím not going to leave them for the one thing they have done wrong, Iím going to stay with them for all the things they have done rightĒ.

HB75, if you do what you wrote above, sure then what you're classified is : RUGSWEPT = Rugsweeping. If this is how you want to wear that badge. Nothing you may hear here will help you keep your head up. Sorry it is just the way it will be.

If your not the object of your lovers heart, then your just an object.
If you think the grass is greener on the otherside it's not, what you see are the weeds.
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post #43 of 68 (permalink) Old 10-15-2019, 10:35 PM
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Re: Young in love, but conflicted.

No, ask questions, thank you for being open.

So, she goes out with this friend at least every other week or more and sometimes out to a bar where she remains out until 2 am.

You both have full time jobs.
You both have separate bank accounts.
You both do work around the house.
You feel more should be done on her end before she parties.
You feel she is texting and connected to her phone too much.

So, you were hedging because your gut tells you she might be cheating.

Of course you like the disagreeing post because it absolves your wife of any responsibility.

Let me ask you this, do you stop her from:
Girl’s night out
Visiting her Family
Visiting her Friends
Having a Phone
Having access to any money
Having male friends
Texting people

You do understand, contrary to popular belief, controlling is not always bad. If she spends as bad as you say, the finances need to be “controlled.” My wife can irresponsibly spend so, guess who is “controlling” the finances? Yep me.

Yes, my wife earns her own money, but WE pay bills, WE pay student loans, WE pay car repairs, WE mutually spent for the children at the time and I controlled those aspects. Responsible financial people can take care of finances, but not all people do this well, When we are good I ask no questions about what is left. Yet, if she needs help, the stipulation is I get to question her spending habits. Yes, it works both ways. Funny thing is, I rarely need help. Funnier than that, my “controlling” behavior has curbed her spending. She may still do it, but she works OT and rarely asks me for anything.

Also, whose idea was it to turn on the tracking app?

Quote:
“I’m not going to leave them for the one thing they have done wrong, I’m going to stay with them for all the things they have done right”.
You know the problem with many movies, they are fiction.

It is a neat saying, but guess how the wife of the actual couple felt.
https://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/art...-25-years.html
Quote:
Heartbreak as couple, who inspired romantic drama The Vow after wife lost all memory in a crash and relearned to love her husband, are getting DIVORCED as she opens up about his infidelity
Quote:
Originally Posted by Homebody75 View Post
Sorry for the constant post, but what I did tell her last night, and I have told her many times, is how I look at our marriage. I see it as she is my number one. Everything I do affects her. I lay my head down next to her, I come home to her every night. There is not one person in the world that could be worth conflict between the two of us. Every decision I make, will change my way of life and hers. No matter what. The movie “The Vow” with Channing Tatum had one good line about a cheating spouse, “I’m not going to leave them for the one thing they have done wrong, I’m going to stay with them for all the things they have done right”.
No, do not show her any of this yet. There are very few couples who work on TAM together. Many, that I have witnessed, self destruct or both leave here angry. Let this be your space for questions and venting now, until you decide what you really want to do in your marriage.

Last edited by phillybeffandswiss; 10-15-2019 at 10:47 PM.
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post #44 of 68 (permalink) Old 10-15-2019, 10:43 PM
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Re: Young in love, but conflicted.

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Originally Posted by Homebody75 View Post
Just to add one more question (like I havenít asked enough), what if I show her this post. There is a good mix of opinions. Personally, I kind of the fence leaning towards no, but maybe if she see this many neutral party reactions it might change something.


Oh god no. Keep this place to yourself!




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Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.


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post #45 of 68 (permalink) Old 10-16-2019, 06:42 AM
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Re: Young in love, but conflicted.

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Sorry but you are putting words into his mouth.

I don't think that wives should be acting the way she is either, its completely inappropriate. Oh and BTW its not HER money, its THEIR money, they are married.


I think it should be their money but he is the one who is keeping finances separate and saying itís her money vs his money.
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