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post #16 of 53 (permalink) Old 12-07-2019, 05:47 PM Thread Starter
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post #17 of 53 (permalink) Old 12-07-2019, 05:52 PM Thread Starter
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post #18 of 53 (permalink) Old 12-07-2019, 06:00 PM Thread Starter
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post #19 of 53 (permalink) Old 12-07-2019, 06:19 PM Thread Starter
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post #20 of 53 (permalink) Old 12-07-2019, 06:30 PM Thread Starter
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Thank you all x

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post #21 of 53 (permalink) Old 12-07-2019, 07:06 PM
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Re: Candi

In the back of my mind this thought keeps popping up (no pun intended)
Is he suffering from depression? Could be as a result of low T and all the ED issues.
If I read it correctly, then the bending sounds like Peyronie's disease. Something that does or does not get better. It's a bit of a bugger and can rob a man of his self esteem.
Can I ask, have you told him the things here that you are telling us? Maybe your raw honestly will plant a seed with him.
I know this sounds like it's out of left field but would he consider an open marriage if all else fails? Just a thought.
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post #22 of 53 (permalink) Old 12-07-2019, 07:09 PM
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Re: Candi

I'd be willing to bet he is also depressed--'tis only human. His inertia may evolve from hopelessness. He likely can feel your frustration and withdrawal.

Is he on anti-depressants--they can cause problems with libido? If his back is the main physical source of his issues a lot can change in 10 years and seeking a medical specialist for this may be helpful. If he felt like there was hope, he'd likely be more amenable to seeking other help like sex therapist. Good luck...
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post #23 of 53 (permalink) Old 12-07-2019, 07:22 PM Thread Starter
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post #24 of 53 (permalink) Old 12-07-2019, 07:31 PM
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Re: Candi

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Originally Posted by CandiGirl View Post
Yes he is a bit depressed, has been on antidepressants for a couple of years. He started getting anxiety from nowhere. It has knocked his self esteem weve discussed all that. Ive been overly caring about it all, regardless of how frustrated Ive been for years. Some may wonder how we got our babies and I can tell you the two middle ones were hand made if you get my meaning. Having the children kept us strong made me happy but now thats done and hes lost interest in everything.
I have told him everything Im saying here, except the going off him part. He would never allow his partner to sleep with someone else, hed go mad if I suggested it. I realise if someone comes my way and something happens that will be the end of us. I deliberately never go out socialising or drinking without him as I know theres always temptation and Id be the one feeling Im doing wrong. Hed be happy to stay like this forever, hes too selfish to put me first.
Ok sorry to suggest it. I just sometimes try to think of many angles for answers.
The anti-dep could certainly NOT be working properly or causing these sexual side effects. Rather common I'm afraid.
While a knee-jerk reaction is to call him selfish, let me suggest another viewpoint.
He's depressed and so mired in his own pain that he's not seeing yours.
He's a guy (sorry men) who are sometimes not as aware of all the nuances as we women are. Men can sometimes be less complicated in their perceptions and expectations. Which can be lovely and refreshing, but can sometimes leave us feeling that they are not aware of what we are going through.
Can you go with him to the doctors? Can you take him, make the appointments? Sometimes its just so damned hard to do when you are in the middle of it.
To get a glimpse, watch a video by the Black Dog Institute called I Had A Black Dog: His name was depression on YouTube. Maybe you will see some of this situation in the video.
I'm afraid that my own struggles with depression make me more biased that way in my answers. I"m hoping that someone else can give you another perspective.
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post #25 of 53 (permalink) Old 12-07-2019, 07:43 PM Thread Starter
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post #26 of 53 (permalink) Old 12-07-2019, 07:57 PM Thread Starter
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post #27 of 53 (permalink) Old 12-07-2019, 08:09 PM
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Re: Candi

I would ask him permission to sleep with other men. You have needs and If he isnt trying how is that fair for you?
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post #28 of 53 (permalink) Old 12-07-2019, 08:54 PM
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Re: Candi

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Thank you for your suggestions, every idea is helpful as I’ve been dealing with this alone and never told a soul. I’ve had depression myself in the past, much worse then he’s going through. So I really do empathise and this is what’s kept me with him. I would have to tell you a lot more about what I put up with for you to get the full picture. I have been doctors with him many many times, this week too. He does have problems but what about when he’s feeling good? Am I supposed to give up on my happiness because he’s given up on his? I need support, I’ve been supporting him for years and he throws it back in my face and there’s no one I can talk to about him.
Hopefully we can help here. But we are no experts. Are you able to go to counselling? Living with someone who is depressed is very hard. You need someone neutral to talk to. Perhaps staying isn't such a good idea if you get a different perspective. Im not sure that you can change him. The only person that you can change is YOU.
How you ask? Find a professional that you can talk to. Keep the exercise going. Yoga, meditation. Dancing. Whatever you like
You need to get yourself in a better place to deal with this.
You say that there is a lot more. Again i say, a counselor for you to work through this.
To answer your question, no. You should not have to give up on your happiness. I also wonder if your children are aware of whats going on, they can sense it. They are actually more aware than we give them credit. They can feel if there is tension.
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post #29 of 53 (permalink) Old 12-08-2019, 02:35 PM Thread Starter
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Re: Candi

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post #30 of 53 (permalink) Old 12-08-2019, 02:42 PM
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Re: Candi

Did I see correctly on another thread that your husband has often been messaging other women?
If this is the case, why are you still there?
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