Hello everyone jim here going through though times. - Page 3 - Talk About Marriage
New Member Forum - Introduce Yourself! Drop in, say hi, and get to know your community.

User Tag List

 52Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Search this Thread
post #31 of 67 (permalink) Old 12-08-2019, 08:29 AM
Member
 
aine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Away and beyond in a hot place
Posts: 5,380
Re: Hello everyone jim here going through though times.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jimjon View Post
I've tried to bring some sense to her in that regard. I asked her how can she do that? And she told me he's just a friend and she can introduce her kids to her friends as she wishes males and females.
Really? Do you hear yourself? You have absolutely no moral high ground at all. your wife is moving on whether you like it or not, the only think left is to make it official.


The life you have, is the life you create
aine is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
post #32 of 67 (permalink) Old 12-08-2019, 08:37 AM
Member
 
aine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Away and beyond in a hot place
Posts: 5,380
Re: Hello everyone jim here going through though times.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jimjon View Post
Thank you for all the inputs. I did wrong but i didn't introduce any of the kids to my wrongdoings. I feel very bad for them to go through this and i wish i could take it back just for them so they can grow in a better situation.
Sorry I am on your case. You may not have introduced your kids to your string of girlfriends, but your treatment of their mother left deep scars on her and an emotionally bereft woman who thought you would change. The emotional trauma you inflicted on her most definitely had an impact on the kids, please do not lie to yourself about this, damaging her, damaged them. Own it. You put the nuclear bomb in the middle of your own family, now man up and deal with it and do the right thing. Talk to her, ask for divorce, and treat her kindly and move on.

The life you have, is the life you create
aine is offline  
post #33 of 67 (permalink) Old 12-08-2019, 12:45 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: West Coast USA
Posts: 1,285
Re: Hello everyone jim here going through though times.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jimjon View Post
Thank you for all the inputs. I did wrong but i didn't introduce any of the kids to my wrongdoings. I feel very bad for them to go through this and i wish i could take it back just for them so they can grow in a better situation.
But you did. You created the situation, you wrote the first couple of chapters in the book, and now your wife is dutifully filling out the middle. At this point you're beyond saving the marriage; you're in damage control. As others have said, it's time to learn how to co-parent and do what's best for the kids.
Casual Observer is offline  
 
post #34 of 67 (permalink) Old 12-08-2019, 01:56 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 32
I thank you all for all the words of wisdom the advices and the harsh words too which i deserve. there's is no excuse for what I did all those years. I will never own it enough. i made huge mistakes that I wish i could erase from my life. Am very ashamed of myself to the point it's taking a tremendous amount of energy just to talk about it to anyone. As i previously mentioned here i will keep updates here every now and then. she still allows me to talk to her and the lord knows i appreciate that more than my life. Today we spoke and she agreed she will never introduce the kids to anyone anymore and definitely not to that man again (Tim). I caused this to myself to my marriage to my wife and to my kids. I should be and will be the one to fix it. I have no excuse and am not looking for sympathy from anyone. I know i will never be sorry enough for a lot of people. I can see that here and i understand i deserve it. but to those who have more wisdom than i do i appreciate your words gor the way forward. your advises and your predictions about this situation that i caused. It takes sometimes a lot for some of us to learn what others know as simple facts. I was a very bad person but today I've learned a great deal and the lord knows i want to be out of this skin in which i feel trapped.
jimjon is offline  
post #35 of 67 (permalink) Old 12-08-2019, 02:09 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 32
Some here have told me to man up and ask for a divorce. i will say that i probably will never be man enough to ask for that until she decides it's the route she wants to pursue. I would rather see the kids grow with both parents than with parents separated no matter the cost. Someone here said i should have never moved to another state which i think is true but i should have never cheated in the first place either. My wife herself grew up with different dads and it affected her tremendously and affected our relationship too. I said in my original post she was in therapy for some time and still is for reasons that have roots in her upbringing. I know first hand how it can affect the kids to have different men in their lives it is affecting my wife to this day. I have a lot on my plate because i put myself in this situation.
jimjon is offline  
post #36 of 67 (permalink) Old 12-08-2019, 02:30 PM
Member
 
arbitrator's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Central Texas/Brazos Valley
Posts: 16,173
Cool Re: Hello everyone jim here going through though times.

Sounds more like a marriage and relationship of complex toxicity!

Counseling may not even save it due to its extreme nature!

End this relationship as civilly as you can, and procure a good family attorney to protect your assets and custodial rights! And please get yourself into IC ASAP!

"To love another person is to see the face of God!" - Jean Valjean from Les Miserables

My Story!
To view links or images in signatures your post count must be 0 or greater. You currently have 0 posts.
arbitrator is offline  
post #37 of 67 (permalink) Old 12-08-2019, 03:06 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 32
jimjon is offline  
post #38 of 67 (permalink) Old 12-08-2019, 05:22 PM
Member
 
Marc878's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Southeast
Posts: 6,376
Re: Hello everyone jim here going through though times.

You aren't doing your kids any favors by staying in this. Even though you are reaping what you've sewn.

How do you want them to act when they grow up? A child learns most from his parents.

You don't need anyone's permission.
Marc878 is online now  
post #39 of 67 (permalink) Old 12-08-2019, 06:38 PM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 32
It is hard for me to accept that I am doing no good to my kids by trying to stay in it because my wife comes from such home where she was exposed to different men and it is hard for me to do the same or let the same happen to those kids because i have seen how it has negatively affected my wife
jimjon is offline  
post #40 of 67 (permalink) Old 12-08-2019, 08:05 PM
Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2017
Posts: 1,747
Re: Hello everyone jim here going through though times.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jimjon View Post
It is hard for me to accept that I am doing no good to my kids by trying to stay in it because my wife comes from such home where she was exposed to different men and it is hard for me to do the same or let the same happen to those kids because i have seen how it has negatively affected my wife
But YOUR WIFE has already doing this to your kids. She is following in Her own footsteps here. You should bring this up to your wife to tell her how badly it affected her, so what do you think it will do to your kids?


Last edited by jlg07; 12-09-2019 at 11:49 AM.
jlg07 is offline  
post #41 of 67 (permalink) Old 12-09-2019, 03:32 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 32
I will try to bring some sense into her on that. as a matter of fact she's received a complaint from the school already about our 11 years old. The school wants to talk to her on Monday they said in the letter that the kid is very angry and is turning violent ever since he came back from the Thanksgiving break. and they said they would like to know what is going on out of school because it is affecting the kid. She shared the letter with me and said she's not going to show up. All i said was ok perhaps not a good idea but i think and i know it's the situation that's starting to take a toll on the kid already because he's older and realizes his mom exposed him to someone else who is not his dad and it is wrong and she doesn't care but instead get angry at him for telling me the truth. It is very very painful for me to witness it all.
jimjon is offline  
post #42 of 67 (permalink) Old 12-09-2019, 06:13 AM
Member
 
aine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Away and beyond in a hot place
Posts: 5,380
Re: Hello everyone jim here going through though times.

Quote:
Originally Posted by jimjon View Post
I thank you all for all the words of wisdom the advices and the harsh words too which i deserve. there's is no excuse for what I did all those years. I will never own it enough. i made huge mistakes that I wish i could erase from my life. Am very ashamed of myself to the point it's taking a tremendous amount of energy just to talk about it to anyone. As i previously mentioned here i will keep updates here every now and then. she still allows me to talk to her and the lord knows i appreciate that more than my life. Today we spoke and she agreed she will never introduce the kids to anyone anymore and definitely not to that man again (Tim). I caused this to myself to my marriage to my wife and to my kids. I should be and will be the one to fix it. I have no excuse and am not looking for sympathy from anyone. I know i will never be sorry enough for a lot of people. I can see that here and i understand i deserve it. but to those who have more wisdom than i do i appreciate your words gor the way forward. your advises and your predictions about this situation that i caused. It takes sometimes a lot for some of us to learn what others know as simple facts. I was a very bad person but today I've learned a great deal and the lord knows i want to be out of this skin in which i feel trapped.
Jimjon,, none wants to castigate you just pointing out that you must own your role in the mess. You are showing that you have got this and showing some remorse which is a start.

However, it seems to me that your whole family are crying out for you to step up to the plate and be a man who leads his family. YOu leave the issue of your son to your wife, shrug your shoulders and go back to your job in another state abdicating all responsibility? What is wrong with you!

YOur family needs you there with them, your kids need you there with them. Your marriage is in shambles not just because of your cheating but because you decided to piss off to another state. You blame your wife's upbringing etc but what are you doing to help your family? Nothing except pass the buck it seems. You come on here to bemoan your life, so what are you going to do about it. Do you want to end up with kids who are delinquent, cut themselves, get into drugs, etc? Your pain is not important now, you created this mess, now do right by your kids FFS!

The best thing is to be the best man you can be for your kids and for yourself. It is likely your wife has checked out a long time ago, there is only some much a spouse will take till they tip over.
Only you know if the marriage is salvageable or not. If that is the road you want to pursue both of you must be fully in it, but it will be a long hard road. It will need much therapy and the rebuilding of trust, compassion and love. Some have done it but it is not for the fainthearted.
If you cannot see that happening, then do the right thing. Talk to your spouse about it, what she expects what you expect or how you see the future. Perhaps you can come to some arrangement.

Be a man, a leader of your family and do the right thing, otherwise someone else will be, it is your choice, the longer you wallow, the worse it will be.

The life you have, is the life you create

Last edited by aine; 12-09-2019 at 06:19 AM.
aine is offline  
post #43 of 67 (permalink) Old 12-09-2019, 06:30 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 32
Thank you for the wisdom. First of all let me start by saying i caused this mess and i can never owned it enough. I am ashamed of myself and I purposely left out the part that i supported and still support my wife and family financially. i did not move to another state by choice it was to get a better job so they and i would live better. i currently maintain 2 households and this was supposed to stop this current December. that was the agreement when i left but with this situation it doesn't seem like it can happen. I am planning on going back there and stick it around for about a month. Seat down again with her and have a real conversation because the last one we had she wanted space and time which I am trying to give her now. In the meantime the situation like you said is getting out of control and am running out of patience in regard to the way it is destroying the kids. i will follow your advice and head over there in 3 weeks or in January. Those 3 weeks look to ke like an eternity but it's the time am giving her since she asked for time
jimjon is offline  
post #44 of 67 (permalink) Old 12-09-2019, 06:47 AM Thread Starter
Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 32
I understand too that she might have checked out already or is moving on but to the experts here my question is why is she not telling me clearly and simply that she's moved on? Why is she beating the bush? I am confused by that. The most she's said is she needs time
jimjon is offline  
post #45 of 67 (permalink) Old 12-09-2019, 10:20 AM
Moderator
 
Lila's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2014
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 4,698
Quote:
Originally Posted by jimjon View Post
I understand too that she might have checked out already or is moving on but to the experts here my question is why is she not telling me clearly and simply that she's moved on? Why is she beating the bush? I am confused by that. The most she's said is she needs time
For the same reasons you cheated and didn't tell her you were doing so. She doesn't want to give up the comforts of being married to you.
Lila is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Options

Register Now



In order to be able to post messages on Talk About Marriage, you must first register. Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.

Important! Your username will be visible to the public next to anything you post and could show up in search engines like Google. If you are concerned about anonymity, PLEASE choose a username that will not be recognizable to anyone you know.

User Name:
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.

Password:


Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.

Email Address:
OR

Log-in










Thread Tools Search this Thread
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page
Search this Thread:

Advanced Search



Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off

 
For the best viewing experience please update your browser to Google Chrome